I lose a part of myself,
each day.
The sun smiles,
and I can't smile back.
I only feel,
sometimes.
And that is the worst part;
feeling.
I understand,
each world.
But I haven't quite found,
mine.
The blankets,
don't quite comfort me.
And the light,
doesn't quite reach me.
The slow ache grows,
and grows
until my heart eats itself.
So I sit,
and I write.
And I find myself,
whole again.

As we stand
Facing the same direction
Tearing one another apart
Don't be gentle

Quiet hums of cars
Pass by in the night
The city slows to a buzz
Though we're not sleeping

Confusion replaces anger
The hurt starts to seep in
Don't take back your words
That you once lent to me

Your eyes don't touch mine
A chance to breathe
Thoughts rattle in my head
Dawn creeps up on us

Monotone colours dance
We are both so hurt
The breeze doesn't reach me
And so I sink

As we stand
Facing the same direction
Tearing one another apart
Don't be gentle ..

My body is a body of blue,
of brilliance,
of power,
of great depth too.
My hands they weave,
and rise,
and bend,
until the lives,
of many end.
My face is invisible,
strong,
and tricky.
It changes,
and whips,
and turns hair sticky.
My heart does lie,
in a ribcage of sand,
that beats,
and convulses,
‘til it moves the land.
My warning is obvious,
but often looked past,
as small boats turn over,
whilst my hands take the mast.

amazement
you amaze me every day
and even though we never speak
my heart still works okay.

smile
your smile warms my heart
and though I never see it much
when I do I fall apart.

eyes
your eyes are part of the ocean
and when you stop to look at me
my life goes in slow motion.

voice
your voice makes me feel complete
and when you call me after school
my heart it skips a beat.

loss
when you’ve lost someone you love
your heart stops working and how it aches
now all I feel is numb.

He is my rock,
my calm blue sea.
He is the lighthouse
who's light guides me.
But my element is fire,
hot to the touch,
and I need somebody,
who burns just as much.

Because sometimes being held is not enough.
And sometimes life gets a little rough.

My hands clasped tight, in the black and silver light.


The clouds shift, revealing a pale moon.
And I couldn't find your eyes, your smile that held a tune.


I tried to hold my heart together, I tried to make the pieces fit.
But they fell apart in my arms, and another wave of longing hit.

Slowly and subtly, a warm memory overcomes me.
We're dancing, and we never stop.


The woods are so quiet tonight, only disturbed by the soft starlight.

Falling in and out of consciousness.
Looking in the mirror again,
turning away;
Disgust.

A constant commotion of thoughts in my head,
being turned over and over until they are dead;
Until they are free.

Wondering why I am this way,
I fall again.
Nothing makes sense anymore.

Their dead eyes fall on me,
and I feel nothing from them.
So helpless and stuck they seem.

Cars pass by,
the rain violating their windows.
Everything has lost it's colour.

Remembering the yellow in your voice,
the orange in your laughter.
I let the emptiness surround me,
curling up into a ball of regret,
and guilt,
and everything else that has killed the sun.

I will hear your voice once more,

before I forget,

everything.

I let the words,
burn inside of me,
knowing why.
I can not save,
the water from the flames,
and I wish I could.
I remember the smell of your skin,
I remember everything,
the day the phone didn't ring.
The people drive,
walk,
ride,
to their empty jobs.
Jobs they don't know why they are a part of.
Though you are missing.
The piece that's fallen from the picture,
but nobody has noticed.
I notice,
though.
The only letter you ever wrote me,
sits lifeless in my pocket.
I don't know what it really says,
at all.
I don't know why you said goodbye to me,
and not your mother,
or your father.
My house,
it feels,
quiet.
My heart,
it feels,
quiet,
too.
I still visit the park,
and sit against our tree.
It's the only time I feel close to you,
again.
I let the words,
burn inside of me,
knowing why.
I can not save,
the water from the flames,
and I wish I could.

He who burns
Lets; me shine| as bright as he
Fury, Justice, Passion,
Devastation, Euphoria
through rocky, unkempt seasons
Will live under starlight| And
kissing the sun,
scream life into he
And Knowing now
candle flames| two
when put together burn brilliance
And brightly Fiercely
There is no other image I
will live in.
He who burns, brightly; will
catch his flame on mine -
He will find me.

Anywhere,
but here,
the birds sing songs,
of freedom.
Anywhere,
but here,
the children laugh,
and play games.
Anywhere,
but here,
the air is clean,
and the stars bloom.
Anywhere,
but here,
lovers love,
and love is enough.

And if  I were being honest with myself,
I'd say how much I miss him,
Draw his fingers on my notebook.

If I were feeling brave enough,
I'd tell you about the colour of his bare skin,
tell you how beautiful he was when the light poured in.

If I could bear to think about it,
I'd crawl through the spaces in my head, where love leaked in,
And stay a while.

If I were being honest with myself,
I'd admit how
I was actually on the brink
of giving him my love

or


that i did.

I'd paint his picture,
late at night in my room
he sitting in the sunlight facing me like god.

But --

I'm working a lot these days, trying to save for a car,
and there's no time for this sadness,
or so i tell myself.


and I'm filling my nights with grey smoke
and big groups of people,

or quiet reading.

And if i were being honest with myself,
beyond the layers of love,
I'd tell you about how underneath,
there is a tired heart,
and how it's little rivers of gold

are slowly fading.

I never cry anymore. Maybe it's the pills, maybe it's my indifference to pain.

But yesterday I cried in your bed.

And it was not because you made me sad, but because you made me feel.


Your hands questioned the ice in my heart,

Your voice thawing it with your words.

I do not know what to write about you,

except to say,

You fill the gaps where emptiness creeps in.

I am drifting
Through slow warm rivers.
They carry me to your light,
as you once carried me.
I am whole again
Because I am nobody
and my body
renders no meaning.
no function
no requirements.
I am just free
to flow in and out of your dreams.
And upon finding you I kiss your cheek always
and hope that when you wake
you will put your hand to your face
and be comforted.

I could not afford
your love -
it came with anxiety
and,
feeling small.

And even though
it came with the promise of
(shooting stars)
It was
not enough
compared to the love
I was yet to give myself

and for it
I had to be

Free.

And the way the sun
shines through the treetops
makes me cry.
And you hold me, and say,
'There, There'
and I smile
and we dance,
not slow,
but like madmen tasting the rain.
And the sun goes down,
but we don't stop
until
our legs give way
and we collapse
in love bundles and watch the
pinpricks in the sky
dance for us.
This gift
A Quiet Place Together (We Go)
Will never run out
even if
We Do.

I should have sat with you, holding your hand,
until,
robbed of life, it turned cold.
Because now in my dreams,
I see you always,
your yellow broken body wrapped in a white sheet...
cold, pale, and alone.
And when I was 11 and sick
you stayed with me always,
sleeping on the linoleum floor on a makeshift bed.
And when I was 4 you would hold me in the mornings
because you never wanted another,
to feel as alone as you.
I should have sat with you, holding your hand,
until,
robbed of life, it turned cold.
Because now in my dreams,
I see you always,
and the irregular hear monitor goes on.

The lines in your hands are important to me.
They’re still important to me after 9 months
of not telling you how my day was
Or asking you about yours
Of not seeing your eyes crinkle every time you smile
or leaning into you for comfort like a child.
Your laugh is important to me
It is still so important to me after 9 months
of not hearing it
and now half-forgetting what it sounds like.
And I
in my softness
miss you so.
Miss you so that I sometimes cannot sleep
Cannot sleep because I am thinking of you
and the lines in your hands
and your laugh
and just how whole
you made me realise I could feel.

Last night I dreamt of you
and we made love for the last time.
And keeping true to your habit
of making me feel like I was a sacred creature of nature
you looked into my eyes
and exclaimed
‘wow’.

And it awoke in me
those aching and burning edges in my chest
where you used to be
And so I know that today
no matter the weather the world will feel grey.

And maybe this is our goodbye.

So I’ll go to that place
where you and I are frozen in time
where the sun sets
and I smile
because you’re holding my hand
and the warmth
is like God.


Maybe this is our goodbye.

waking up today,
remembering my great loss
I go back to sleep.

Why -
I am without.
Death
has no personal reason
nor does
Love
that leaves.
And nobody
is punishing me
And nobody
is watching over me -
we do not get
what we deserve
we just have to make the best
of what we are given
and what we
aren't.
(And I am not a failure.)

The summer is hot
but a cold wind blows over me.
I am thinking of you
and all that I've lost
and how !a thousand suns
couldn't warm my heart now.