I sleep
Waking
Climbing rocks
and mountains
Endlessly searching....
Watching the sun rise,
and set,
while I,
my heart,
remains stationary.
I am looking for you
In the Land of Nowhere
where the water
is so blue
the lavender so fragrant
I can almost remember happiness.
I taste it in my tears
see it in my past
but the days keep pulling me
forward
and my heart I can’t find.
Where are you?
but the wind just pushes the long grass
makes my knees cold
makes me listen for foreign whispers.
When I wake,
it is alone,
and my heart used to cry each time
but it is silent in my ears now
quiet, and
afraid of waking
the screaming child in the next room.|
To the Land of Nowhere,
I faithfully keep returning
but in my quest of failing to find you,
I will find beauty in the world again.

He killed me at once
then came back to finish me
as though I was whole

I want
nothing more
than to forgive you
so that I can love you
once more.

Your hands were so soft,
but grabbing me in the night
they leapt like tigers.

And you reached into me with your greedy hands,
so much so that I wasn't sure where your fingers ended and my skin began
So much so that I mistook your livid pulse for mine.

And I thought I was breathing in burning air,
and the world turned cold and you didn't care
And I saw hell in your eyes..
but you were dressed in God's robes...

I saw hell in your eyes..
but it was too late to let go.

You surprise me,
so softly,
you wish to see me.
Why?


I am but,
a bundled mess
of pessimism and nerves, and
Him.




Now I am not used to this,
this pushing away and you,
coming back,
asking, ‘when?’
and I,
in my paralysed uselessness say soon but avoid making a date,
but then,
I think of you
for hours
and hours
and hours.


I just wanted,
a ****,
to be honest.
But you won’t let me be that girl,
you make me
something more.
And it surprises me and warms me,
and makes me feel so valued
and that is why,
I’m going to say, 'Yes'.

Yes to that **** date you've been asking me on for a month now,
yes to french kissing, to holding hands, to awkward stares in between movie scenes.
Yes to searching for things to say, to getting to know one another’s ways,
now will you leave me alone?

I have some excuses that need making up.

Like the morning frost that kisses the flowers awake,
I knew we were meant to be together.

Waking up,
to a slow morning light,
makes me realise
How alone I am.

Waking up,
not by your side,
makes me realise
how much I need you.

You broke my heart
once,
twice

You still break my heart
every morning
as I step out into the light.

And
I must ask myself
If I die,
without letting you break my heart
a
third
time
Will I be happy?


Will I be true?


Will I

pray to live just so that I can love you?


Once

More.

Under black and white hue water rippled softly, kissing and caressing my skin.
I was infinite,
beautiful,
a star.
I was the person he’d never leave,
and the daughter she’d live for.
I was the sky,
the moon,
the sun.
I was everything the earth had ever kissed.
And while sunlight twinkled I sat on warm rocks as water gushed from great peaks at my back,
and I laughed,
trembled,
shook, at the gift that was the present,
the essence that made life beautifully tragic.
And so alone,
however not lonely at all,
I let the hysteria encapsulate me
take hold of me
wrap it’s arms around me
as I laughed all the way back to my body,
where amongst a classroom full of familiar strangers,
i sat quietly
feeling utterly,
alone.

The light of dawn grew,
into my hands and the lines in the corners of my eyes..
and it was soft and sad all at once
because it was upon awakening that i’d remember you always.
And it was you,
clumsily smiling and looking at me with those eyes that shot through my heart like daggers.
And it was you,
who taught me that flowers could grow in my darkest garden corner
and i,
slowly rocking,
came to be still and safe.
And as the light filtered through my curtains at 6 am
I wondered if you were out there,
somewhere,
watching the light come through your curtains,
too.

The palms of our hands touch,
their intricate lines joining together like seamless maps.
The light surrounds us,
and we are quiet.
My fingers,
were made for yours.
They were made for gentle hands,
and eternal love.

You are all I know.
(but you were the first to let go).

I have loved you
through many sleepless nights,
spent crying,
thinking,
holding you.
I have loved you,
through pancakes for breakfast and behind closed bedroom doors blocking out the light.
I have loved you,
on
and on
and
on
forever.
Because although we are not together,
our hearts touched long ago,
and blood does not forgive.
Blood does not forget.

I have loved you,
under shelter from rain under black umbrella,
running to the bus stop where you have kissed me goodbye.
I have loved you,
through laughter and pain and hospital nights.
I have loved you.

I love you,
and I am terrified you will forget me.
Terrified that you will forget all these things I have loved you through,
and all these things you have loved me through.
And though we have loved each other through so many things,
I have also loved you before I was born,
before I was conceived,
before I was pushed out into existence kicking and screaming for love.
I hope with all my heart that I did not love you more than you me,
but I do not know.

I have loved you,
and I will love you,
through not hearing your voice,
through not feeling your hand in mine,
through not witnessing you grow old,
through not sharing wedding vows,
through not dying together.
I will love you,
through and through
Forever.

We are Half Broke Horses, you and I.
The world has tried to tame us but our souls have resisted, and,
as a result,
we have felt loneliness and bitterness and misery.
We have known what it is to be secret outcasts, needily knocking on the walls of our own hearts.
But we stick together, you and I.

Sometimes I think that we are broken in opposite places, and,
that when we come together we create a perfect, whole sphere we call our world.
It is a slice of heaven where upon we are free to be naked,
free to be honest,
free to be wholesome,
free to be true.
It is our slice of heaven that is also our home.
It is our slice of heaven where upon we are free to rome.
And as I hold you in bed as you cry, I realise that we are Half Broke Horses, you and I.
But I don't mind... because I'm a Half Broke Horse with you.

Today at school
(upon being asked to write letters to ourselves)
I simply wrote
"you have to keep going"
followed by
a picture of a sun
and finally,
at the very bottom of the page,
"be your own friend".
I think,
I can be kind to myself sometimes
(it just takes a little work).

you complain about the
(loud constant humming of traffic coming through the bedroom wall at night

i,
sitting on the other side of the bed
facing away from you always
cry
and hear angels cry too.

you,
lost in your busy-city like momentum of thoughts
grumble and remove your shirt
already thinking about the next day
and i think you are a statue.

us in the backyard having picnics featuring saladas and orange juice.
us in the bathroom,
me reading you plath, serious and brooding,
your parents sending us joint birthday cards.

i'm sorry for falling apart.
but you should be sorrier

motherless,
is who,
to society,
i am.
it's on my centrelink forms,
it's written on my face,
it's why my teachers pity me.
but i never get to be,
me,
rosie.

motherless,
is what i've been,
since the candles,
fleetingly glowed,
and i made a wish not to lose those i loved,
as i turned,
16.

motherless,
the things that happened for me to receive this title,
killed me,
and,
killed her,
too.
the whole world,
without her,
has turned cold and blue.

motherless,
has poisoned my whole world,
my whole being, whole gravity,
whole soul has been overturned.

motherless,
is what now consumes me,
and has,
painfully,
since i turned 16.

like angels
i am pure
and
full of love
but unfortunately
my wings have fallen off

Wake up and apply make up.
2. Go to school and pretend.
3. Make fake friends.
4. Laugh with the last of your energy.
5. Go home and cry about an impossible remedy.

i will quietly rise from my bed like a sleepless man getting up to use the toilet in the middle of the night
- but it will be 4am, and i will be heading to the shower.
arriving at the airport
i will remember you
and how i don't get to share my life with you anymore.
my sister and i,
we will have adventures in the sea with fish and walk through ancient temples...
but the knowing that you're not there will never stop eating away at our young hearts.
i remember as a child,
feeling with every innocent fibre in my body that you were my protector,
my soulmate,
my mother.
my sister and i,
now we live alone
with memories and knowledge that we should never have to know.
(at least not yet.)
we move quietly around the house,
going about our cleaning,
reading,
cooking,
eating.
but never with you.
at the airport i will look beside me,
the words "how long until our plane leaves?" forming on my lips
and i will realise
that you're not next to me
and i will cry silently facing toward the window side of the plane.
at 4am,
i will rise quietly from my bed,
the sun not quite awake yet,
and a question on my lips.
"why?"

Red was everywhere.
It was on the walls and covering my hands.
It was dripping from the ceiling.
It was in my heart.
I turned myself inside out for you.
I shrunk.
I bled.
I hurt.
I woke up one morning and everything was smeared with the colour of terribleness.
A great terribleness that was bigger than me and you and anything worth love.
So I sat at the kitchen table and cried.
The bowl of cereal sat untouched
I too was untouched.
I was untouchable.
Now when I cross the road I remember crossing it with you holding my hand.
And we were happy.
And we were in love.
Now I cross the road alone carrying a great loneliness on my back.
Now I cross the road without even looking.
When I was born red was everywhere.
But it was the colour of my hair
And the lipstick she wore on special occassions
And my favourite colour.
Now red covers my hands and drips from the ceiling like blood.
Now red fills my eyes.
Now red is everywhere.

Her little fingers,
were always dancing,
and when an eyelash fell,
she wished for him.
Her little fingers,
were always holding,
her heart together,
in broken pieces.
Her dark eyelashes,
were always blinking,
blinded by the light,
into which she could not see.
Her dark eyelashes,
were always falling,
and one by one,
they grew back new.
Time did pass,
like a slow dawning frost,
and her little fingers,
slowly grew rough.
Time did pass,
like a slow dawning frost,
and her dark eyelashes,
stopped falling,
one by one.

Today is your birthday.
I wake up to sunshine,
we're going to the beach.
The water is warm enough,
but,
I don't go in.
You loved the water.
I wanted to buy you flowers,
write you a letter,
let it go in the sea,
but,
I couldn't.
I wanted to hold your hand,
I wanted to say, "I love you"
but,
my hands are yours now.
Today is your birthday.
You would have been 54.
I guess you still are,
54,
in a way.
It's just that,
you're in heaven,
now.
I miss you,
until it aches.
I miss you,
until folding in half,
I hold myself,
and shake,
until I am empty again.
Today is your birthday,
and it isn't getting easier.
You gave me love,
you gave me life.
And I hope that,
you're watching from heaven,
mum,
because today I blow you kisses,
and,
set my spirit free,
just like you would have,
on your birthday.

I took my life in Autumn.

Too many days of,
I'm

not

okay.

Too many days of,
I
feel
so
afraid.

Too many days of,
white
skies
and
goodbyes to mum.

Too many days of,
waiting for happiness
to come.


I took my life in autumn.

The rain fell softly on my face.
I kissed your photo,
and,
I kissed the ground.

This is the end,
but not for you.

I took my life in Autumn.
And The rain fell softly on my face
.
  .
    .

Inbetween a state of sleep and tiring thoughts,
my arm extends out to my right,
it's memory of you failing to remember that you're not here.
With fingers slowly curling back under the shell of my palm,
they suffer loneliness.
Coming out again, desperately hoping that they were wrong,
they tickle the rough mattress with their tips.
I turn on the light,
head throbbing,
frustrated with the persistent attitude of my mind and body.
Still, quiet room.
Reflecting my nature,
patient with my outburts.
The soft humming of a car passing by outside,
a contrast.
Thoughts of tomorrow unfurling push my heavy eyes to the verge of tears.
I think of him further and want to message him "I love you.", but am afraid of his answer.
Turning off the lamp,
scooting my dog out of the way,
I lay with my eyes open.
Blink,
blink,
blink.
Nothing changes.
Slow moving fuzzy bodied shapes start to appear on the ceiling,
and after some time,
they spell out "stop." and "why."
Eventually, Inbetween a state of sleep and tiring thoughts,
my arm extends out to my right,
it's memory of you failing to remember that you're not here.
With fingers slowly curling back under the shell of my palm,
they suffer loneliness.

Yellow was the colour of the cardigan she gave me.

I sat staring at my mum's ashes and crying,
thinking how everything was out of my control,
how everything hurt so ******* much.
But I looked in the mirror..
and I looked like the sun.


Yellow was the colour of the cardigan she gave me.

Grey is the colour of the winter sky that wraps it's dull arms around me each day that I wake.
Green is the colour of his eyes that looked at me as though I was too beautiful to break.
Red is the colour of my eyes after months without sleep and too many days spent crying.
Black is the colour of the pain inside my heart after giving up on trying.
Yellow is the colour of the sun in spring that can no longer warm my soul.
Blue is the colour running through my veins that burn for me to feel whole.
Brown is the colour of his skin as I bury my happy face in the curve of his neck.
Pink is the colour of the lipstick that I apply to cover up the fact that I'm a wreck.

And please know that while you’re living your life, I’m in the dark falling apart.
Because you are the colour forever in my heart..