In the waiting room,
the walls are white
Scrubbed with a strong chemical weekly.
The people are white
The chairs are white
My room at home is white
When will I be called to go in?
Soon.
It's the longest memory,
this coming and going of pain
(Though the pain never really goes away)
It just quietens.
The hospital blinds are white
Her face wasn't white
(It was yellow)
But I am white
It is the most terrible colour
Wrapping it's arms of sickness around me
It is the most surreal memory
(Who am I?)
Was that me?
It was me before half of me left
When I was whole
When I was not white
But
Pink
And red
And all things hopeful.

My lips are bruised.
They are red,
and raw,
from biting them.
Tired of trying not to remember,
the taste of your lips.
My face is pale,
hollow.
my eyes wide with fear,
with shock.
The bags under my eyes,
show signs of giving up,
show signs of being too afraid,
of laying in bed alone.
My ribs have grown a face,
and they smile at me in the mirror.
Their teeth a razor sharp edge,
cutting across my skin.
I look,
caught in the headlights,
of an oncoming car.
I look,
like I don't care,
if it runs me over.
Too afraid,
to feel,
I encase myself in the darkness.
But that is just as bad.
It suffocates me,
makes me *****.
My lips are bruised.
They are red,
and raw,
from biting them.
Tired of trying not to remember,
the taste of your lips.
And as the first signs of a slow death start to show,
I realise I am in hell.

Her eyes were candles (until they got put out.)
A painful laugh escapes her lips
a real laugh in the realm of deep aching.
Now she sings. (Softly at first)
Then louder (only to herself.)
and everything becomes the slave of her soul,
just
for
a moment.
Tear ducts sealed,
tremors of sadness,
vanished
until
everything must stop for a moment
and grow quiet.
Body rocking, soul sobbing
infront of the T.V while the 7 o'clock news plays dumbly.
It's all
so
fragile.
(It has to be.)
Her heart stops whispering
and becomes
a broken limb.
(I am a bird and she is me)
be free.

mum

i enter your room
after you have passed
but you're still here

i can smell your perfume
your clothes
and i can feel your presence
your love

i enter your room
two weeks earlier
you are in your bed
smiling at me
your voice familiar
and warm
and motherly

i don't remember you as sick
or tired
i remember you as beautiful
and strong

mum

you showed us the ocean
and the colour of the sky
you gave us the world
the stars

you made us daisy chains
and sung to us
you made us who we are
and who we'll soon be

one day
i will think of your laugh
and smile
but for now
i cry

mum

you're still here
i can feel it in every breath
and though the world seems very dark
the sun still shines

love lives on

Her mind shatters,
into a thousand pieces.
She does not have to face,
all the pain at once.

Encasing herself,
in the dusted wings of a moth.
The sun does not reach her,
though neither does the night.

Sometimes she plants flowers,
and starves them of their food.
Now they know her sorrow,
oh now they know her sorrow.

Shouting becomes muffled,
under her warm sheets.
Where she stays throughout the day,
whispering her name.

And one day she will bloom,
but it won't be bold and innocent.
Because only butterflies dance,
and only butterflies cry.

laying back to back,
i feel your warmth.
our bodies fitting perfectly together,
like imperfect jigsaw pieces.

I find your hand with my own,
and your breathing slows.

Everything is quiet in the right places.
~~~~~
Laying back to back,
I feel your warmth.
Our mouths do not move,
But I can feel your gentle words.
And like soft waves that carress the darkness,
i too,
will carry you to the light.

And I woke from the most deceiving dream.
And I woke with empty,
burning holes inside of me.
And I wasn't the light anymore,
I was just a girl.
Just a girl.
One day I was beautiful.
And the sun grew from my skin.
Or at least you told me so.
Or at least you told me so.
And I smile but it doesn't feel right.
And I don't know if I'm awake, or if,
I’m barely alive.
I just know that one day I was beautiful.
And now I'm just a girl.
Just a girl.

small,
subtle moments of happiness,
lay upon,
your fingers.

they dance,
like the flame of a candle.
like everything around you,
sits quietly,
and stops.

your fingers,
are just like mine.
they both need,
and move,
and create.
the only difference,
their size.

we grasp one another,
like we are in love.
like the wick of the candle will never burn out.
but it won't,
and we are.

so as these small,
subtle moments of happiness,
encase our hands in a lovers knot;
let us be quiet,
and know each other's eyes.

we grew together,
like trees that held hands.
and one night we danced,
and you kissed me like you loved me.
and you did,
you really did.
but decisions had to be made,
and our feet took us in opposite directions,
though our hearts were left behind.
and now our lives grow apart,
like broken trees.
and i still remember the night we danced,
and you kissed me like you loved me.
and you did,
you really did.
but sometimes that isn't enough.
sometimes you have to keep dancing,
and keep kissing,
otherwise we leave,
and our hearts,
are left behind.

A coffee stain lies on the table reminding me of the time I got sick of coffee and threw it at the wall
it’s faded scratched ring leaving a scent of people are not always what you think they are at all
The tarp over my window that broke at least a month ago now let’s in the cold that winter brings
I remember me and Johnny smashed it playing ball and sometimes I almost forget these things
In the morning when my toast comes up from the toaster and leaves it’s crumbs behind I smile
Because not waking up to breakfast in bed from him reminds me good things only last a while
Well the rain came through the blue tarp today and a droplet landed in my eye startling me
And the footprints on my doorstep have faded without my noticing
The summers I spent down by the river are long gone and Shelley doesn’t ever call anymore
Sometimes I press my small fingers to the buttons on my phone then I wonder what I’m doing it for
At night when I look up at the three stars from my old balcony I know that they’ve never changed
It gives me hope that one day maybe I will wake up and find that my past and present are the same

Pulled through the mud,
kicked to the ground.
But I thank you, for this.
I thank you for what I've found.
Learning through experience,
and growing deep like a tree.
I've found strength in the fall,
that no longer consumes me.
As tall as ten feet,
but never expecting.
I take my first steps,
and find the ones i've been neglecting.
My roots have grown intricate,
streaked with both pleasure and pain.
Their ends meet at my hands,
and I find myself with a name.

I fold,
quietly.
And open,
to your smile.
You,
talk softly,
and open me,
further.
My leaves,
they grow.
Shaping themselves,
around you.
Everything was Brown,
once.
But now,
Yellow is everywhere.
It's in,
my roots.
And it's,
in you.
This Spring,
is full of life.
As am I.
As are you.
I fold,
quietly.
And open,
to your smile.

Everything was laid out infront of us;
written in detail on our cold hands.
Nothing seemed real anymore.
And that's what broke us.
That's what sent us mad.
It was the cold chill that creeped up the hallway at three in the morning, waking us.
It was the smile that belonged to the little girl dressed in Prada.
It was me, and it was you.
It was us.
So we sent ourselves to sleep, and in that dream I told you that you were the tree in changing light, the love that brought me to life.
But you were gone ..
You had already floated away.

Sometimes men come along, and set fire to great forests in order to destroy them.
But the trees do not see this as ******.
Instead, they choose to look at it as an opportunity to be reborn.
So as men watch the red and black coals of what is left, the trees secretly give birth to hidden seeds and germinate, reappearing months, or even weeks later.
And when the men come back again, they cannot bring themselves to set fire to the forest once more -
**for something which denies death and reaches its branches out to the light must surely be an angel.

I love that I am human.
That I can feel, and touch things.
Like the velvet of his skin.
The roughness of his hands.
And I love that I can find my way, even with my eyes closed.
Hearing every sound, every vibration rippling in the air.
Exhilarating and exciting me. Preparing me.
I love that I am human.
That I can exist, and love every moment of it.
Never knowing what's around the next bend, the next corner.
Being so aware of myself and the position I am in.
Looking up at the stars, and mapping out their coordinates.
Their legs dancing playfully billions of miles away.
I love that I am human.
That I won't live forever, so I must cherish every moment.
Get up after every fall.
And I love that I am human.
Because I can love the way I am supposed to.
Yell hallelujah with every breath, every heartbeat.
Use my hands until they become strained and weathered.
Or hide them under gloves, preserving their youth.
I love that I am human.
I love you.

I'm here with my make-up,
and my perfect straight hair.
But I still hate my body,
and I still hate that I care.
Oh the side of the road,
seems so lonely today.
But I still feel so ugly,
so I must get away.
I borrowed your words,
and glued them to my heart.
but the meanings that follow,
still come apart.
I try not to eat,
but I have not enough strength.
And whilst this goes on,
I put us at arms length.
I couldn't ask for more,
but I'm just so **** fragile.
A war in my head,
that's a tough constant battle.
I'm here with my make-up,
and my perfect straight hair.
Oh a smile's plastered on,
because for you I care.

I will pack up all my dresses
put them in brown boxes.
I will draw all the rough curtains
and lock all of the doors.
I will give away all my books
and wrap up all my china.
I will leave, I will leave, I will leave.
You will call for three long days
and wonder where I am.
You will ask my best friend Mary
about the location to which I've gone.
You will remember the way I smiled
and then realise what I've done.
I will leave, I will leave, I will leave.
The dust is starting to settle
like the frozen river in winter.
Oh the flowers are starting to bloom
It's been a year now, It's been a year.
Sometimes memories come calling
then blow away like dandelions.
I need you, I need you, I need you.
You and I used to get so drunk
and sing until we fell.
Then one night you looked at me
and kissed me 'till the light.
Now the Autumn leaves fall softly
as the hurt comes back in stages.
Why'd I leave, why'd I leave, why'd I leave.
The ice only lasts so long
before you remember nothing's left.
Whilst the frost slowly thaws
cracking fragments of my heart.
And if one day I return
I hope to hear your voice.
Oh I hope, oh I hope, oh I hope ..

Your eyes sing,
a thousand happy songs.
A thousand beautiful words,
which I cannot fathom.
Your lips tell,
secrets that have my heart smiling.
Phrases in tones,
that I have never heard.
Your arms hold me,
bring me to back to safety.
Bring me back to memories,
and encase me in your love.
And your movements,
they surprise me with each step.
Leaving me afraid,
of loving you too much.