Today at school
(upon being asked to write letters to ourselves)
I simply wrote
"you have to keep going"
followed by
a picture of a sun
and finally,
at the very bottom of the page,
"be your own friend".
I think,
I can be kind to myself sometimes
(it just takes a little work).

you complain about the
(loud constant humming of traffic coming through the bedroom wall at night

i,
sitting on the other side of the bed
facing away from you always
cry
and hear angels cry too.

you,
lost in your busy-city like momentum of thoughts
grumble and remove your shirt
already thinking about the next day
and i think you are a statue.

us in the backyard having picnics featuring saladas and orange juice.
us in the bathroom,
me reading you plath, serious and brooding,
your parents sending us joint birthday cards.

i'm sorry for falling apart.
but you should be sorrier

motherless,
is who,
to society,
i am.
it's on my centrelink forms,
it's written on my face,
it's why my teachers pity me.
but i never get to be,
me,
rosie.

motherless,
is what i've been,
since the candles,
fleetingly glowed,
and i made a wish not to lose those i loved,
as i turned,
16.

motherless,
the things that happened for me to receive this title,
killed me,
and,
killed her,
too.
the whole world,
without her,
has turned cold and blue.

motherless,
has poisoned my whole world,
my whole being, whole gravity,
whole soul has been overturned.

motherless,
is what now consumes me,
and has,
painfully,
since i turned 16.

like angels
i am pure
and
full of love
but unfortunately
my wings have fallen off

Wake up and apply make up.
2. Go to school and pretend.
3. Make fake friends.
4. Laugh with the last of your energy.
5. Go home and cry about an impossible remedy.

i will quietly rise from my bed like a sleepless man getting up to use the toilet in the middle of the night
- but it will be 4am, and i will be heading to the shower.
arriving at the airport
i will remember you
and how i don't get to share my life with you anymore.
my sister and i,
we will have adventures in the sea with fish and walk through ancient temples...
but the knowing that you're not there will never stop eating away at our young hearts.
i remember as a child,
feeling with every innocent fibre in my body that you were my protector,
my soulmate,
my mother.
my sister and i,
now we live alone
with memories and knowledge that we should never have to know.
(at least not yet.)
we move quietly around the house,
going about our cleaning,
reading,
cooking,
eating.
but never with you.
at the airport i will look beside me,
the words "how long until our plane leaves?" forming on my lips
and i will realise
that you're not next to me
and i will cry silently facing toward the window side of the plane.
at 4am,
i will rise quietly from my bed,
the sun not quite awake yet,
and a question on my lips.
"why?"