Red was everywhere.
It was on the walls and covering my hands.
It was dripping from the ceiling.
It was in my heart.
I turned myself inside out for you.
I shrunk.
I bled.
I hurt.
I woke up one morning and everything was smeared with the colour of terribleness.
A great terribleness that was bigger than me and you and anything worth love.
So I sat at the kitchen table and cried.
The bowl of cereal sat untouched
I too was untouched.
I was untouchable.
Now when I cross the road I remember crossing it with you holding my hand.
And we were happy.
And we were in love.
Now I cross the road alone carrying a great loneliness on my back.
Now I cross the road without even looking.
When I was born red was everywhere.
But it was the colour of my hair
And the lipstick she wore on special occassions
And my favourite colour.
Now red covers my hands and drips from the ceiling like blood.
Now red fills my eyes.
Now red is everywhere.

Her little fingers,
were always dancing,
and when an eyelash fell,
she wished for him.
Her little fingers,
were always holding,
her heart together,
in broken pieces.
Her dark eyelashes,
were always blinking,
blinded by the light,
into which she could not see.
Her dark eyelashes,
were always falling,
and one by one,
they grew back new.
Time did pass,
like a slow dawning frost,
and her little fingers,
slowly grew rough.
Time did pass,
like a slow dawning frost,
and her dark eyelashes,
stopped falling,
one by one.

Today is your birthday.
I wake up to sunshine,
we're going to the beach.
The water is warm enough,
but,
I don't go in.
You loved the water.
I wanted to buy you flowers,
write you a letter,
let it go in the sea,
but,
I couldn't.
I wanted to hold your hand,
I wanted to say, "I love you"
but,
my hands are yours now.
Today is your birthday.
You would have been 54.
I guess you still are,
54,
in a way.
It's just that,
you're in heaven,
now.
I miss you,
until it aches.
I miss you,
until folding in half,
I hold myself,
and shake,
until I am empty again.
Today is your birthday,
and it isn't getting easier.
You gave me love,
you gave me life.
And I hope that,
you're watching from heaven,
mum,
because today I blow you kisses,
and,
set my spirit free,
just like you would have,
on your birthday.

I took my life in Autumn.

Too many days of,
I'm

not

okay.

Too many days of,
I
feel
so
afraid.

Too many days of,
white
skies
and
goodbyes to mum.

Too many days of,
waiting for happiness
to come.


I took my life in autumn.

The rain fell softly on my face.
I kissed your photo,
and,
I kissed the ground.

This is the end,
but not for you.

I took my life in Autumn.
And The rain fell softly on my face
.
  .
    .

Inbetween a state of sleep and tiring thoughts,
my arm extends out to my right,
it's memory of you failing to remember that you're not here.
With fingers slowly curling back under the shell of my palm,
they suffer loneliness.
Coming out again, desperately hoping that they were wrong,
they tickle the rough mattress with their tips.
I turn on the light,
head throbbing,
frustrated with the persistent attitude of my mind and body.
Still, quiet room.
Reflecting my nature,
patient with my outburts.
The soft humming of a car passing by outside,
a contrast.
Thoughts of tomorrow unfurling push my heavy eyes to the verge of tears.
I think of him further and want to message him "I love you.", but am afraid of his answer.
Turning off the lamp,
scooting my dog out of the way,
I lay with my eyes open.
Blink,
blink,
blink.
Nothing changes.
Slow moving fuzzy bodied shapes start to appear on the ceiling,
and after some time,
they spell out "stop." and "why."
Eventually, Inbetween a state of sleep and tiring thoughts,
my arm extends out to my right,
it's memory of you failing to remember that you're not here.
With fingers slowly curling back under the shell of my palm,
they suffer loneliness.

Yellow was the colour of the cardigan she gave me.

I sat staring at my mum's ashes and crying,
thinking how everything was out of my control,
how everything hurt so ******* much.
But I looked in the mirror..
and I looked like the sun.


Yellow was the colour of the cardigan she gave me.