My mind dismantled
decaying in cynic pride
silly fools galavanting
as I watch in bitter taste with darting eyes
wilting in devine nothings
plotting like a theif in the night
working my magic out of spite
only looking for a fight
trying to hate and fuel a rage
Banging in a rusty cage
while spitting on the notion of love
undone lying naked laughing alone
as all of my nightmares begin to unfold
Dancing demons caressing my weakened soul
Darkness surrounds my brittle bones
so far from the point of console
as I tare out my eyes and spit out my tongue
with ears only tuned for the devils song
Slowly dragged to the gates of hell
beyond redemption and cast out

A ghost of memories
And shadows of used-to-bes
Dance around
without making a sound.
A nightmare echoes
No one hears, no one knows.
The pain resonates
from morning until late
The door stays shut
Trying to stop us, but
I check out of fear.
Yep, you're still not here.

The benefactor of tragic reactions, he made his traction in disastrous scenes, collecting dreams in his sleeves, as he grievously releases them on the next victim.

Victims.

Aren't we all.

You might never love me in the way I want you to.  Or the way I need you to.  I like you too much and I know it.  I've gotten over you, but I continue to fall back in intrigue with you at the slightest provocation.

Because I change my mind a million times a day about you.  And at the end of it, I don't believe in you.  But against all good judgment, I recognize all the shadows that move like vertigo through my sleep as yours.  And believe in you again.

20 years from now
will you still think about me?
will you still miss me?
will you still want me?
and i can't help but wonder
20 years from now
will you still love me?

i'm sick of not being heard.
no one listens, or perhaps
i'm not saying what i think i am.
though the words sound wrong to me too.
thought, though, that they might get through.
after all it's you i'm thinking of.

thought bubbles not in resemblance

Five years ago,
I had a best friend.
She was perfection.
Beautiful,
Smart,
Athletic,
Kind.
My favorite things were
the bus rides home,
the park,
sleepovers..
with her.

Four years ago
was when we started drifting.
While she was still perfection,
I was awkward and quiet.
I spent most of my time in the library,
Struggled to keep my grades up,
and had very few friends.
This is when it began.

Three years ago,
We didn't talk at school.
We still rode our bikes on the weekend.
I was friends with "the weird kids."
The *** head,
The freak,
The emo one.
I didn't feel like I belonged,
but I was happy to have friends.

Two years ago,
I was so happy.
But by this point, my best friend had moved.
We no longer talked.
Thanks to a good friend,
I was introduced to everyone that made me, me.
Through him I met
My new best friend.
The first boy I ever loved.
The people that became like family to me.
Sounds like a happy ending, almost..

One year ago,
I struggled in school,
almost everyone I knew went somewhere else.
I drifted from my closest friends.
My mind was elsewhere
and the only thing I ever wanted to know
was when I could sleep again.
This is when it was at it's worst.
I struggled not only in school,
but with body image and self esteem.
I was too afraid to ask for help,
and I didn't know how to accept what was offered.
When I was at my lowest,
I didn't know how to cope.

Today,
I am left with a cluster of
small, thin, white lines here and there.
A distorted view of eating and health.
A low self worth.
I am left still struggling,
and although people know my past,
they don't know that I still struggle,
I still hide to protect myself.
But now,
I feel that the people with the most courage are the ones
who can admit they aren't okay, they can take the help that is offered.
I hope to help someone like me one day.