He may be a gentleman
But he doesn't know when to stop

Will you still be my sister when you wear a white dress?
When the man in the suit becomes my brother?
Will you still be my sister when you make your first promise?
Will you see me make my promise to another?
Will you still be my sister when your name isn't mine?
Will you still listen when I'm alone?
Will you still be my sister when you're someone's loving wife?
Will you still love me when this isn't your home?
Will you still be my sister when your room slowly empties?
Will you still pick me up when Mom and Dad fight?
Will you still be my sister when he's down on one knee?
Will you still be my sister tonight?

I was little when you left
And our friendship was too
I was little when you left
And I didn't miss you
I am little to you now
Or at least that's how I feel
That I'm still little to you now
But God knows what's really real
This is of little consequence
I imagine you must think
If you even think about it
If you even ever think
I was little when you left
But I'm not little anymore
And I could choose to take a chance again
But what the hell for?
I was little when you left
But I am big now too
And I know this is a lie
But I still feel little to you

I would forget you right now
I would leave these feelings behind
If it wasn't for the way you looked at me

I would put this all in the past
I would abandon all hope that I have
If it wasn't for the things you said to me

I would rather miss The Train than mess this up
I would force the words back down my throat
If it wasn't for the way you stared at me

The way you hugged me


The surprise on your face when you'd seen how I've grown



I would forget I ever felt this way
If you hadn't acted like you didn't feel it too


So welcome home my friend
It's never been better to see you

It's calming
Actually
To know that someone gets him
When I didn't
It's calming
Actually
To discover that his heart can be broken
Just like mine
It's calming
Actually
To realize that I knew he always loved her
When he didn't love me
It's calming
Still
To find out he loves someone else
Even though all I wanted him to want
*Was me

Something feels wrong about this
About you now
24 hours can change the world
Can change everything
Twice
Three times even
I miss being stable
I miss wen things were always the same
And I never had to think about tomorrow
You were so beautful to me yesterday
And maybe you will be once I see your face again
But for now
I'm scared of the changes
I'm scared because I cannot control anything about or around me
I want everything to be the way it was when I was little
Everything was juice boxes and scraped knees and laughing
Now everything is dfferent

So much joy
Mixed with sorrow
I close my eyes and see your face
You love Pink Floyd
And have my memories
I think I've finally found my place
You know the things
I've never said
And when I laugh your eyes aren't tired
There's still so much to do
Still so much to say to you
But I can my feel my heart on fire

I have a friend named Forgiveness
Who doesn't feel forgiven
I have a freind named Almighty
Who's never felt more weak
I have a friend named Loyalty
Who doesn't seem to trust me
I have a friend named Flighty
Who doesn't lift her feet

Mr. Miller says their is no resolve in life
Or jazz
The way everyone screams at me and curses
Foreshadows no resolve
Everyone is forgiving wrong
Everyone is loving wrong
Everyone is trying to prove each other wrong
But we're all wrong in the end
Love is no longer a hearts well
It is the dagger with which a starved man stabs his food
And the wedding ring
No longer wed
Is covered in the chocolate he stuffs in his mouth
Through his tears
There is no resolve
Only conflict

Maybe love's just a song
That isn't in my key
Maybe love is wrong
And the world has lied to me
Maybe love's a privilege
And I've been misbehaving
Maybe love is money
I'm good at spending, not saving

If you could see this
I'd like to see your face
If you could read this
I'd let you plead your case
If you could see me
Perhaps you'd change your tune
If you could see me
I might see you soon

I fall
And you kick me when I'm down
And I fall and I fall
And just when I stand back up again
You push me down
With words of love and acts of kindness
Why are you messing with my mind?
In love with you so long, so fast
And I thought it'd finally passed
But when I'm gone and home alone
You hit me up, you call my phone
"Where are you?" you ask, with real concern
Don't make me fall in love again
His face is a stove, my hands will burn
I don't want to fall in love, to take the bait
You smile and laugh and whisper softly in my ear
*It's too late

Of course it hurts to know you're with her
It hurts to almost hear it when you say
Though you won't admit this to anyone
"She did the right thing, and I pushed her away."

I'm tired of being accused
Being used
Being shown the way to do things
I ask for help
And what's to show?
Except the insults that make my ears ring
I'm not the bad guy
At least not much
And you continue to treat me as such
I'm tired of being accused
Being used
Being told that I'm too much

I don't want to be your fantasy
I don't want to be your queen
I'm tired of feeling desired
I'm tired of being seen

It's good to hear your blessings
You give when  others don't
It's good to know you love me
You speak when others won't

I miss the look on your face when you saw me
I miss the smell on of the smoke on your skin
I miss the small, silver camera you held in your hand
I missed you the moment you'd taken me in
I miss the long drives past rolling corn feilds
I miss the tissue crumpled in my hand
I miss the trailer sat 10 feet from your porch light
I missed you the moment that I knew I can
I miss the family that I'd never known there
I miss my neices blue eyes, curly hair
I miss when Aunt Nikkie painted my nails green
It started chipping, but I didn't care
I miss the fireflies that I couldn't catch
I miss the movies you forced me to watch
I miss the ashtrays all over the house
I missed the jokes I continue to botch
I miss the grapes that you stuck by my bedside
I miss the feel of my neice on my lap
I miss my cousins attempting to drown me
I even miss Tristan, whom I wanted to slap
I miss the day that they took me out shopping
I miss watching movies with them late at night
I miss winning money on Grampa's 10 slot machines
I miss how hard those mosquitos would bite
I miss the day that you bought me a pizza
I miss the way that smoked everyday
I miss the drive to the airport that morning
I miss your face, as you drove away

No matter what they believe
I have done what I can, what You've asked of me
And with your mercy
I can finally know peace

When will this stop?
You stop?
I stop?
I'm tired of fighting
Of trying
To make you understand
God, I beg you
Make us understand
If I'm at fault then let it be
If you at fault, then forgive me
Has my violent love provoked her anger?
Memories of lullabies I sang her?
If there is something I can do
To prove to them Your words are true
That my intentions were of right
And not the coldness of the night
That she claims is in my heart
As if she's not known me all of life
Am I the one who has changed for the better, the worse?
Or is her pain the cause of all this strife?
I know that we are both at wrong
And yet, she only hears her song

The color of your hair
So perfectly represented in the warmth of your calloused skin
Your heavy fingers
So briefly intertwined with mine
But at the glances of the herd
And the compaints that go unheard
You let me go
So what's to show?
Except the beating of my heart
And some of your warmth
Left over in my hands

I'm right here
Ready to forget
Ready to concede
Ready to believe
That all you say is true
And yet
I mean nothing to you
I'm right here
But all you see is dust
As if I've given up on trust
And run away without a word
If only you heard
What God told me
So very different from what you speak
And strong resolve
I can no longer fake it
My hand is right here
**All you have to do is take it

Apologies would do me no good now
Friends are a luxery I cannot afford
Do I try to help them?
Or do I help them to help myself?
Is my love the jail they call it?
Or is it the bail they beg for?
Though apologies would do me no good now
I'm sorry I plucked the thorn from your hand
And watched you writhe and shudder
Cursing and screaming my name
And now there's too much hate for me here
Self hatred is enough to bear
And though your wound no longer stings
The hate remains
It's everywhere
Through apologies would do me no good now
I'm sorry
I'm sorry for trying to help
But God's success is worth your scorn
And though our hearts are worn and torn
Friends are a luxery I cannot afford
Because my methods of love
Are too untoward
And though they bring you safety now
I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I made this vow
To keep you safe without my safety
And though apologies will do me no good now
I'm sorry
I'm sorry anyhow

How I am so ashamed
Of everything I do
And everything I say
The way I feel is not "okay"
So when you ask me
"How are you?"
A hug, a kiss, a smile or two
You should be worried when I say
"I'm fine, no really, I'm okay"

I've been called
The wise one
The smart one
"Born with a server's heart" one
The one with wet shoulders
Who doesn't cry herself to sleep
The kind one
The bright one
The "everybody's friend" one
The one who doesn't hurt herself
About the secrets that she keeps

But I'm the broken one
The hurting one
"Helping others has to save me" one
I love myself
Then hurt myself
Afraid to have to face someone

"I hope you find happiness"
Are you saying I'm not happy?
I'm angry
But I hope that is what you're saying
Because it would mean someone is paying attention
Someone notices

I believe her tears would mix with mine
If mine weren't thick and hers weren't fine

I feel like I'm your shepherd
Fighting off the wolf with a staff
But you
Oh you, silly sheep
Keep following the wolf
His claw curled in summoning
His howls soft and comforting
Yet they send shivers up my spine
And my blood to boil with anger
I beat the wolf round the head
Tearing his fur
I'll make him wish he were dead
For seducing my sheep with his hungry eyes
His honey gaze
His bitter glaze
I'll rip out his fur before her gets to you, my sheep
But the sheep doesn't understand me
THE WOLF IS DANGEROUS
I scream until my throat bleeds
But still
My dearest sheep tilts her head
And saunters off into the forest
Where the wolf it waiting with wet lips
Jaw twitching in anticipation
Maybe I should let you be eaten, little sheep
I could scream all I want
Show you my dead flock
But you won't listen
Maybe I'll just let you get eaten
I'm tired of saving your life

But I have nothing to say
So I say nothing
I have nothing to give
So I give nothing
I have no one for me
So I be no one
I'm not done
But I have so much left to say

How long will this be?
I ask, sure I won't get an answer
Possibly because I already know the answer
But I'm tired of listening to my own voice
So I ask
When, God, will this end?
I'm tired of being my only friend
I'm tired of everything
Of nothing
Which is all there seems to be
So I ask
Why won't you have mercy on me?
I'm sure I'm made for more than this
Than school, than lust
Than foolishness
Addicted to the things I hate
Afflicted by bitter bait
With a sweet, sweet voice
And sour taste
I beg you Lord, please make haste.*
Will I, can I end it all?
The floor is creaking in the hall
So hide away your past afflictions
Current addictions
Your sin subscriptions
Hide them all and take His hand
I'm so thirsty for you God
But I keep drinking sand

Why can't I decide?
"Because he's a good one" she said
But I still can't decide
And I'm dying inside
Because no matter how hard I try
I still can't decide
How I feel

The papers keep piling up
And the higher they get
The less I care
The more I swear
The more I'd rather be anywhere
But here
And you used to call me "my dear"
When we were alone
Now I'm always alone
Even when you are here
And I don't want to hear
All things that I'm not
But she thinks that I am
I'm not worthy, I'm Man
And I'm so thirsty for God
But I keep drinking sand
I am starving for love
But I throw it away
When it asks me to stay
And I'd pray
But I'm scared that you won't hear me plea
Please God, listen to me
I don't know what to be
What to do with myself
Can I talk to you God?
Cause I'm not feeling well
My skin hurts
In the places I chose
On my wrists
And my nose
Which keeps filling with blood
My head feels like a flood
Cause it won't ever stop
Stop me now
Because I am the unworthy Man
And I'm so thirty for God
Yet I keep drinking sand

I'm scared Daddy
I'm scared of myself
I'm scared of Below
I'm scared of the welts
On my arms
And legs
And the sweat on my head
I'm afraid that sometimes
I kinda wish I were dead
I'm scared Daddy
I'm scared of the sky
I'm scared of the dirt
I'm scared I will cry
Closing my eyes
Won't make fear go away
Won't make pain go away
Won't make me go away
How I wish
It could be
How I want it to be
I would become the sea
So that I wouldn't need anything
Except the moon to move me
Daddy, can I be the sea?
The sea is better than me

I am Mary
Looking upon Lydia with disdain
Oh how I'd love to look like Jane
But truly
I want to be Elisabeth
I am Mary
Waiting for someone to answer me
Oh how I wish I was the same
But really
I want to be Elisabeth
I am Mary
And I try to be the best
Oh how I try to tease and jest
But truly
I only look a fool
I am Mary
Holding myself above all else
Oh how I'm told to be myself
But really
I want to be Elisabeth

Weddings' always made me sad, but only for myself; this one made me sad for everyone else in the room, including the bride. Actually, especially the bride.

I crawled slowly into my closet, pushing piles of shoes out of the way. I let myself cry; something I had not done in weeks. My tears grew into sobs and my sobs grew into screams so violent I shoved the sleeve of one of my sweatshirts into my mouth to stifle them.

The thought of getting drunk sounded so delicious, I figured I could down a whole case of beer before I remembered I didn't like the taste.

I started blankly at the photo taped to my wall. I held back tears and tried not to remember that the boy in the picture, the one I had my arms wrapped around, was nothing but a stranger to me anymore. I had long ago stopped counting the days he had been gone, because I never knew what I was counting to. 8 years later, he's still gone, and the hope of his return is little.

The little cut on my wrist stung, though the knife had barely broken the skin.

Four minutes and five seconds into Stairway To Heaven, I realized my fingernails had been clawing at my lips. I ****** the blood off my fingers and sang along quietly.
"When she gets there, she knows, if the stores are all closed . ."

All the days of rain had transformed the fallen leaves into piles  the consistency of burgundy oatmeal. Despite its sludgy facade, the **** left stains on the pavement as violent as blood.

I would regret it tomorrow, but I stayed up as late as I could, praying I would sink into one of the many shadows in my room and never feel anything again.

Even though I could feel the ink sinking into my vessels, I continued to write on my skin. It may give me cancer one day but I couldn't resist; the secret Sharpie messages on my arms and hands made me feel like art.

I was numb. I felt like my entire body was asleep, a dull tingly feelings spreading from the ***** of my feet to the crown of my head. The only places I felt anything were the sore spots on my chest that I'd jabbed the end of my pencil into.

It was almost like I was too tired to sleep. Knowing that I would just wake up again made it pointless. So I stayed watching TV in a dark room and nervously eyeing the the flickering shadows the TV made.

All I can say is
Please, Daddy
I'm nearly old enough
To know
You must know that this
Would make me very happy
So please Daddy
Let me go
Mommy's known him most his life
She knows that he would do me well
And I can tell
That it will show
So please Daddy
Let me go
It's just one night
One hockey game
It doesn't mean that nothing will ever be the same


Now that, I think you know
So please Daddy
**Let me go

Selfish
Ungrateful
How hateful
Am I?
You're all that I asked for
But I said goodbye
How could I?
You are perfect
And ask little of me
Above me
Gods laughing
And basking
In irony

I'm so, so sorry

You notice the little things
The things I do barely
And warily
I loved you
But I still wasn't careful
I used you
And hurt you
And I miss everything of you
Though I still cannot love you

I want you to know

That if I ever do
I will never say no

It's beautiful
The way you ignore me
Or rather
The way you turn away
And it breaks my heart
But you're still beautiful that way

Can there be anything redder than her lips?
Is there anything colder?
Anything sweeter?
Softer?

Qui e t   e   r .    .    .

Can there be anything sweeter than her heart?
Is there anything redder?
Anything colder?
Quieter?

"Sof t  e   r   .   .     .*

Such a face
With a tounge that can so easily
Put you in your place
With a collar of velvet
That tickles the skin
And a sweet
Soft
Cold
Red
Quiet heart
That has so much to give
And is without sin

A face for the morning
A face for sleep
A face to borrow
A face to keep
A face for the sky
A face for the sea
A face for alone
A face for me

It doesn't matter if the bus breaks down
'Cause we'll still be on the road
It doesn't matter if the sun goes down
'Cause we'll still be wide awake
For goodness sake
Let us sleep
With blankets and backpacks
In sweating heaps

Swirling patterns of freckles
Across the bridge of your nose
Along the curve of your chin
Above the heart that nobody knows
Will I know it?
Will I touch your freckled skin?
Is it the place that nobody goes?
Are you also afraid of sin?
It's eating me away
And I'm afraid I can't stay
But I'll say
I guess I wouldn't have it any other way
Constellations on your cheeks
And your whole body reeks
Of alone

A week can start with blue
And end in red
A look can start at my feet
And end at my head
A day can start on the street
And end in my bed
A journey can start with a birth
And end when you're dead

Red hair
Everywhere
The water bleeding through the fabric of you
Red hair
Everywhere
I'm not sure if it's good or bad
But there's someting about you

I'm sorry
I do not feel that way
I'm sorry
You did not know
I'm sorry
I thought I did
I'm sorry
But when I say "I have to go"
I mean
I don't feel this way, and I can't fake it anymore
You have always been such a sweet friend
And though there wasn't much to begin with
It must come to an end
I wish that I liked you, believe me I do
But I know that I can't
And I don't want to use you
So when I say "I have to go"
I mean
*I don't feel this way, and I can't fake it anymore

You're no longer a person
You're just a poster
You're propaganda
You're a poser
You advertise
You black out our eyes
You're no longer a person
You're just a poster

This is the face that cannot be mine
This is heart that God made divine
And he gave me that heart
And he gave you that face
I'm starting to wish he put them in a different place

This is the hand I cannot hold
This is the story that will often be told
And he gave you that hand
And he gave me that story
But it's never enough, and I wish for more

This is the boy I cannot have
This is the love that I cannot halve
You are the boy
And I have the love
And no matter from how high above

*Without you, I fear nothing will ever be enough

I cannot explain how much pain I am in. I curse myself for thinking I had made a clean break, let alone a break at all. I don't know if that had anything to do with this immense pain, not that it could be any worse. I am not angry with you, but I still crave making you feel guilty, even though you've done nothing to me. This was no ones fault, I think. Natural consequences at the most. But not even that. Again, I cannot really express how much pain I am in. Everything I do exhausts me beyond belief, every thought that enters my head just tortures me in inchorehence. I don't even understand my own thoughts anymore. Though I've yet to make any action to harm myself or anyone else, my thoughts feel morbid and violent. I feel disgusted with myself and my actions, everything I do. I thought I'd finally gotten over you, maybe even found someone else until last night.
I still can't believe how one infinitesimal hug could have effed me up so badly. Well, I doubt it was the hug itself. That was probably just the cherry on top of the feelings I can't seem to escape no matter who much I want to. Life would be so much simpler if I could just let this go. I don't know why I can't. Everything that's happening around me is confusing and infuriating and I feel like I can't control any of it. The things I want are getting mixed up with the things I detest and now everything disgusts me. There are two adorable toddlers downstairs in my house and I can bring myself to go play with them because I find no happiness in in anymore, let alone anything else. I love those girls with all my heart, I can hear them right now watching Cinderella, but I just can't.

I'm scared. Of everything. I pride myself on being smart, on being aware of myself and my faults and of others. Everything that's happening to me angers me so greatly I guess because I don't understand it. Just when I think I've escaped you, and just when I think I've found someone else, I have to go and get so effing hormonal and fickle about it. **** being a teenager, I hate it more and more each day. I'm pretty smart, I know I'm capable of so much but I feel trapped inside this adolescent, growing body that I cannot WAIT to leave behind. This is hell for me. And all my feelings for you, and for this other guy . . . Only makes everything more confusing and infuriating. This is not anger, this is fury. I am furious at everything and everyone and I don't know why. I am so hurt, and I am so miserable. I've sought help and council and none of it has helped.
What am I to do? With you? With him? With myself? Everything feels like more weight, more burden, I want to serve, I want to help, I just want to be like before. I miss being happy all the time, now everything feels like work. I pretend to be happy at school and church so much that I don't know when I'm actually happy or when I'm faking it. I come home and just collapse with a plate of food in front of the TV and wait until my headache returns so I have an excuse to keep myself from crying. I'm always thinking horrible, violent thoughts that scare the **** out of me. I hardly sleep anymore. I'm terrified at night. I've been struggling with my faith recently and I'm convinced one of these nights something will come for me in my doubt. I lie to the people who could help me, I tell them I'm fine because the thought of having to explain all of this to someone, having to answer more questions I don't know the answers to just makes me feel worse. I lie to my parents because I know that when I start answering "I don't know" to all their questions that they will be angry with me.
I don't know where to turn. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know if it will go away, when or how. I don't know why this is happening. I don't know what to do. I don't now whats wrong with me. I just hope to God it ends soon.

I simply don't know
The way to go
I'd choose you if I only knew
Because you
Appear a lesser feat
And know
I'd love you so
But I don't know
Which way to go
He's beautiful
And I know
That he is wha I want
A thousand times
Or more
If I'm the sea
He is my shore
And I keep wanting more
Please know
That I so love him so
But I don't know
Which way to go
You're easier
And oh so sweet
You see
You are a lesser feat
And please believe I'd love you so
But I don't know
I am in love with him
And he does not love me
or does he?
You see
I simply do not know
It may not show
That I do not yet love you so
But please believe
That I can see
That you are what I'd best for me
And I do not know
I sincerely wish that soon
I will love you so

I've been losing myself in their arms
Though no arms wrapped around me
With one look
A story
With one slip of the tounge
An ending
With months of work and misery
A beginning
And in forty eight hours
It's lost, wrapped in the arms of the one who won't have me
Pressed to the jacket of the one who refused me
Held by the boy who does not love me
I finally lost it all in his arms
And now I sit with a hammer at my head between
My knees watching tears smack the floor at my feet

It's the way he keeps talking even when I close my eyes
The way he'll invite himself over, how he tries, how he tries
They way he'll change his mind on a whim
It's why, despite logic, I seem to love him

Love is wonderful when I don't have to look at you
Love is magical when I don't have to touch you
Love is meaningful when it's watered down by a computer screen