ive been trying
to build a boat that we cant sink out of broken bottles and moldy cigarettes
you think matching tattoos will fix it
you say "what about we get away for awhile"
but i dont think wed be running from the same thing
you said you're fast
but i have stamina
im trying to keep us both from running to the brink
that place you cant get back from
im trying to inject pins and needles into your bloodstream so the numbness of your heart is a distant memory
im trying to power a steam train that only goes in one direction
stop it
from going through the hole in the tracks
the bottomless pit  
moon crater holes in your skull where my words gracefully slip through
and sentences fall to their deaths into oblivion
id say we were doomed to fail but im not a pessimist
you and your swiss cheese heart
that reeks of neglect and bittersweet flesh;
what if we run into each other twenty years in the future
on a random sunny day and we both have kids
and we both say hi in the supermarket
and you laugh because my hair is long even though i always insisted on keeping it short
what if you shook my hand and we just melted into on another like clay
and
we cohered
that day in the supermarket
and we never came apart besides that day we did
and i left you for a beaten back bushy trail
that goes all the way to new mexico
because i never took the time to know myself before i got to know you
and you left me
because you insisted i left you for another man
what if i left you a note on your nightstand
what if i told you i built the boat
could we leave out pasts behind us? would we have that itching feeling to reminisce?
what if in another alternate dimension we weren't really us
what if we met on a different day where we experienced the chain of events that took place in a different order
would i even have a boat?
could i float
without
your hand
outstretched to
hold me
.

im sorry that you feel like i blame everything on you
that i never cared, or put in enough effort
i'm sorry that i couldn't give you what you need
i couldn't give myself what i need
either
im sorry that you love me so much you can't put it into words
and that im your everything
im sorry that neither of us know what to say when we need to hear it.
im sorry that i can't be what we need right now
im just falling apart
and i feel like i'm doing it all alone
im sorry my *** isn't big enough
or my **** aren't perky enough
and that im not good enough
im sorry that i talk so much about my past
im sorry that i hurt
i'm sorry that you hurt too
im sorry that i don't approach things in the right way
im sorry that i don't know how to help
im sorry that we both drag each other down
im sorry that you think i care about money and things
im sorry i got uncomfortable around your friends
im sorry i drink too much
im sorry i get afraid of things
im sorry that you feel like i didn't accept you.
im sorry.

this type of love happens in the unconscious
slowly awakening the subconscious
with arousing suspicions
that's why i sleep with my finger on the trigger cause you
never know what you think you know until you know that you know nothing at all
you must succumb to the great expansion of simplicity and complexity intertwined
for without one there would not be the other
your brain is pink fruit salad with marshmallow fluff
it is not this thing that you are lead to believe
we are not ants mindlessly trailing behind each other to the next pay check
we are termites consciously destroying for the next generation with the intent of building a home
we are knowingly lead in a circle with lies and we continue to chase our tails
i love you
but love is a chemical trap
intent on trapping us in each others bedrooms playing with each others hair with googly eyes the size of comets
you must run
you must hide you must grow
spiritually
multidimensionally  
and not with some religion who says you can not satiate that hunger that lies within you
there goal is to keep you dependent
on there food, there pennies, there system,
they are your skull but you are the pink ball of mush that lies within it you have the power to break free from everything you've ever known
These feelings
that you ride out like waves
they are just
neurotransmitters and you are just a ball of rotting flesh
hiding behind a porcelain mask of makeup and hairspray
you must realize this truth
you must see things past the lense of your own two eyes
there is this truth it is simple as can be
so simple it lies beneath you
it hides in plain sight
right under your nose
you must see it
with your own to eyes
you must nurture it
with your own two hands
and once it has grown
you must taste its bitter fruit  
you must rise above
these feelings and this hopelessness
you must become more
then what you've ever been told you can be.

the waters cold
the tips of my toes tell my brain
but today i am sad
and the sun is shining
so i show rationality the shore
and walk on the wild side with the waves
high tide sweeps me off my feet and onto my throne of seaweed
it draws me closer
deeper
sings me sweet songs of forever
as it opens up its blue mouth big and wide
i swim closer
through sharp rocks and wrecks and calloused coral
eyes wide
eardrums dancing to the hypnotizing music
i am neck deep in salt water now
open cuts litter my arms and legs
i ignore the sting of reality
nipping at my toes
like colorful reef fish
i open my arms wide to embrace the cold fully
and i no longer feel the chill
i have grown use to
it
i have grown tired
the sun is playing hide and seek now behind the clouds
it's color a dull yellow
like a blinking light bulb
slowly dying
the water around me is a dark red
the world around me growing dimmer
my eyes flutter close as i lose consciousness
i dream of the sun returning to kiss my skin with the same intensity of before
the cold keeps me company, cooing in my ear that everything will be alright. cradling my body like a mother would a child.
sharks circle below
a hungry frenzy
of teeth and scales
the shark creeps closer
it sinks its teeth into your calf but its numb from the cold so
you don't feel it at first
then
without warning
you're pulled under and completely submerged in coppery tasting salt water
it stings your nose and eyes
and all the gashes on your arms and legs
you reach your hand out
ask the cold for forgiveness
for assistance out of this mess that it's baited you into
but the cold laughs in your face
tells you, you were a fool for falling for it's manufactured kindness, it's imitation of warmth  
then the bite really hits you
that's when you feel the pain
it's a defective, decrepitude creature  
it doesn't understand.
it swims in these waters everyday it is use to the cold
and you are a stranger only knowing of the sun

**you must learn to swim
or
you must forgive yourself.

the smell of blood
fills your gills with rancid salt water
frothing at the mouth, desperate like a rabid dog.
sea foam trickles down the sharks chin
its pearly white teeth
kiss you around the edges
with intentions only for love.

i cracked my phone screen
on the sidewalk
busted my knuckle in the shower
im just a little lady
blown into a different horizon
but to them im an object of objectification  
a race into who gets into my pants first
guess this is what i get
guess this is  
all youre good for
face shoved in the dirt
just another *******
my life meaningless
because I have a pretty face
social outcast
I want to punch you in the face

just  a stupid ***** typing out stupid lies
on a pixelated piece of paper
my analogies are dumb
my life pointless .