Don't worry.

I'm here to tell you what you need to hear.
And it's not what you thought you would hear,
And it might not be what you deserve to hear.

Don't worry, it's me.
You don't know me well, but
You should know that I am kind.
I am gentle, and I think about you in that fashion.
My thoughts are not barbed wire,
Nor clear sky.

When I think of you, I think this:

You are foolish.
But so was I,
For years
For the same reasons as you.

And nothing can judge you
But the years,
And the years are nothing if not judgment's mirror.

Lonely years.
I would write poems of hate.
I tattooed my life onto the skin of so many notebooks.
Letters only exist on paper--
How badly I wished my depressing poems would be emblazoned proudly on my soul for all to read.
How cold I felt when I realized nobody wanted to get close enough to see them.

The only tattoos my mind bore
Were freezing outlines of emotions
None of which could burn hot enough to melt the ice they were etched into.

Then something magical:
Neurons. Synapses.
I realized that my mind is not a metaphor.
My mind is not a tangled mess of hyperboles and adjectives.

My mind is not poetry, and life is not scripted.
Nobody's brain is made of prose,
Much as some would like to believe.
Depression is not more noble because it is written well.
And if you have written it, believe me when I say that the way it flows when it is read aloud makes no difference either.

Do you understand?
Here it is, simply:
Step back if you find yourself a step too far into the world of the over dramatized.
Burn your depressed poetry.
It serves no purpose but to remind you of the state you are in.
It dwells in your long-gone years without thought of any future unless that future is your past relived until your future's end.

Poetry is not a coping method.
Poetry is an excuse to linger,
And "coping" is a very poetic way to euphemise that fact.
I have found this out the wrong way.
Poetry is as addictive as alcohol, as drugs, as depression.
They all go together well.
And they don't like to let go once they've started to hold hands.

What I'm saying isn't "stop writing."
What I'm saying is that if poetry is an excuse to linger, you have a choice.
What i'm saying is I hope you choose to linger on joy before you dwell in sorrow.
Because the longer you stay somewhere,
The more it feels like home.


Try to grasp the idea of just stopping,
Letting every idea go
And leaving.
And not coming back for a long time.
And doing it right now.

Realize:
1. The longer you stay sealed inside your mind, the longer you'll have to live with only words as company.
2. Words make terrible company when they're written in sadness.
3. The stars don't give a **** about words anyway.

Be like the stars.

Be with your friends. Make yourself laugh. It'll be hard at first. Then it will be easier. Then other people will be able to make you laugh too.



And one last thing to you specifically,
To you, the person reading this,
The person wondering silently,
The person I've been writing to this whole time--

Realize:
I don't know you.
But I love you.

This is not a joke or a ploy.

I love you.

Somewhere out there, there is somebody that loves you, and it is me and I am not afraid of it.
Find me,
And I will love you openly.
Because if you have the strength to find someone you don't know, you have the strength to find yourself too.
And then you won't need a stranger's love anyway.

My friend
I wish you could know my mind, but
Understanding you would push away
Keeps me from letting you inside

It’s quite the mental irritant
If I get close you’ll grow distant
But even if it’s not your intent,
It’s enough to force my mental defense

And I know you don’t want me to be far
But I can’t get close just to watch you fade.

I’ll stay a phantom
So you don’t have to be one.

Perseverance will not work this time
Because time is in short supply
Departure will soon arrive
Absence will slowly invade my life

Embrace never felt so desperate
Though desperation isn’t a word that fits
No, it’s a quiet determination that makes us stick
An unwillingness to part without this.

I’ll always miss the nights
You were burning in my life
Like the incandescent indigo light
That kept me company when I would write

Every moment slides like a dream.
Your gaze floods me with memory
Our first words float back like a distant melody
Singing all the reasons I’ve ever had to believe in anybody

Your smile brings a strange solace.
Your simple happiness
Is the push behind my lungs as I think all this
It makes you worth the cardiac risk

You won’t read the words I wrote
But somehow I think you already know
As long as my heart beats in this world
You will always have a hand to hold

I had a dream about a mask
It was terrifying.
The mask, I mean
I don't remember much about the dream.
The masked man ran around,
Tearing through town,
Taking vengeance on those that had cut him down

Everyone knew he wouldn't
Couldn't
Maim another
Because though through his mask
He became another
He was still a person
Just a person with his soul scared silent
His spirit sealed shut

His mask's mouth was sewn up
Like a doll that had misbehaved,
Said,
"I love you"
"You're my best friend"
Without having its string pulled to say it

The man,
Or rather the mask,
Was chasing a group of kids
Who had threatened a girl
That was very dear to him.
He pinned them down but couldn't speak,
So he bit off his own lips

Suddenly his speech wasn't deformed
And his vendetta didn't matter anymore
He threw himself to the floor and
He wept
He wept tears of unfathomable joy.

Then I woke up
Knowing as I gasped for air
That the dream had passed.
But when I reached up to my face,
I could still feel that mask.
So I started,
Layer by layer,
To peel it back.

She thinks she is the kind of beauty that many worship.
All thin figure,
All dark eyes,
All nails that leave marks on your back and
All her lip biting and soft moaning

She thinks her beauty is a set of curves
She thinks her beauty is legs
Hips
Suggestive submission
She thinks her beauty is just talent,
She thinks her beauty is just an act
She thinks she's average, and her beauty is just made up

But her beauty is her eyes after the make up has run off.
They glow the sweetest, lightest green
(Her favorite color)
When the mask of mascara melts in a scalding hot shower

Her beauty melts you the same way.

Her beauty is the way she melts into your arms.

The way she talks like she doesn't care who listens
And listens like you're the only one that ever listened to her
The way she can say two things with one word and mean both of them.
Her beauty is persistence.

She would rather **** Superman than marry him
And I have no doubt that she could do either if she wanted to.

Her beauty is paying rent when she is already gone.
Her beauty is talking to the new guy when nobody else does, just to make sure he has someone to talk to.
Her beauty isn't in wanting to come in, but in her want to stay.
Her beauty is freedom seeking a place to tie itself down,
Her beauty is love for the sake of healing,
Even when the love isn't there.

Her beauty is the way she gives her faith to every good thing that comes her way.
The way she loves her dog.
More so, it's the way her dog loves her back.

The way her grandmother loves her back.
The way her friends love her.
The way a complete stranger can feel warm for days,
Just by meeting her for minutes.
The way nice guys have a real chance.
The way that she gives seconds chances to everybody,
The way anybody would risk humiliation to have one.

Her beauty is so deep that people can't climb back out once they've fallen in.

She thinks it's her ability to make love that's beautiful.
But I want her to know,
So desperately,
It's much simpler than that.

She is beautiful because it's so **** easy to love her.

Brotherly love, never fades
Never lose sight of the moments you create
Monuments in memory
Dedicated to all things blanket-made
Childhood games became our names,
We were molded by the pretend we liked to play
But we were never pretending
No
Imagination wasn't too far away
We've been knights and cowboys
Superheroes defending,
keeping our home safe
Like in our heart of hearts
There was nothing there to hate
Nothing to hurt us except the villains we would slay

Then the day crept up on us
Finally forcing the icy touch of separation
Sixth grade, everything changed us
Seventh grade we were distant,
Eighth grade we almost gave up.
Thought we grew up but we grew apart
Looking back on how it happened almost breaks my heart.

My brother was just coming in
Just another middle school kid
On the bottom of the pile
And I was on the top
Looking down at him and his friends
This is when innocence ends.
He just wanted to hang with me and Wes
Wanted it to be like it had been
Wanted to be closer than close,
Wanted to define brotherhood again
And I should have let him.
But instead I left him.
A sociopathic ******* is what I am.
Like an idiot
Like a nothing I know how to explain
I just pushed him away
Like an opponent in the ring,
I kept him at arm's length
In his moment of ascendence
I kept him stationary

We had always made each other friends
Sharing buddies like they were ours to share
And nobody but us had the right to care
So when he got to school, a strange foreign place
And introduced his new friends with a smile on his face
He expected a reception better than what I gave him
No pride or excitement for him in the words:
"Go away."

God.
What did I say?
I watched as the smile widened.
He thought I was joking and he shoved it aside
He has always been the kind of person to keep trying
But when we got home that night I saw he was crying
Mom tried to explain:
"Honey, your brother is a different age.
He's going through things
And you'll do the same
You probably both need to find other friends anyway."
And he saw me standing in the door
He raised his hands to wipe his tears away
Then he got up off the floor
And he asked
"Why don't you want to hang out with me?"
I will never forgive myself for saying
"You and your friends are annoying."

And for every time he said "Please?"
I said no.
Until he didn't talk anymore.
I felt nothing.
Not until he left, saying
"I hate you."
I heard those words echoing into everything,
And I swore
I wouldn't be a bad big brother anymore

Somehow,
We got through.
Somehow.
Now we're still brothers
But I can still feel the distance I put between us
From all those years ago
And now I wish night and day that I had never said no.
I don't know if he remembers
But to me every image is so vivid
Every word we spoke is like a curse invoked
Every time I turn off the lights
I'm haunted by the same ghosts
Of two brothers on a trampoline,
Smiling,
Dreaming up castles and moats.
They turn to me and we lock eyes
And somehow I know
The enemy they were fighting all along
Was the thought of letting each other go.





Dedicated to Trevor,
T-Man
Always at my back
And always in my heart.

I love you.

You're the best brother I could have asked for.

Everything I know about you
I am devastated with attraction
Everything about you
Is what everyone hopes to be
How can I hold you?
How are you real?
...here?

All I know is somehow when I'm trying to live
You're always there.
Just before my last footfall
You are the end of the sidewalk
You are just around every edge
Watching from angles
Who do you thank for your halo?

Since I remember you have
Held my arm just a bit tight
Have held me so close
But gentle;
Cautious

I'm doing it too.

But since I remember,
Every time I've seen your outline in a doorway
It's the only thing not standing still.
In a world of deafening noise,
Your voice is the only thing worth listening to
You are the only person I'm quiet for just to hear
Because maybe me hearing will heal you like hearing you heals me.

Sweetie,
There are so many struggles
So many struggling
Everybody is hurt when they have to tackle their life
Most of us are scared because it's coming
Whether or not we like or we see.
I haven't been close to anybody in years,
I've lived in uncomfortable distance
Trying to squeeze happiness from safety
I want a reason to serve you
I want just one thing
I want you to know me.

I'm going to try for you.
I'm going to try so hard
I'll be your reason to endure
Because life is scary,
And nobody ever told us it would be.
Lets be the ones
To tear down the walls in the fake
Worlds we've made
Since I remember:
I want you to be the one in my arms
When those worlds crumble
I want you to be the one crying with me
And together we'll make smiles
Because in the end life's ending,
And you're worth living for.