the empty bottles under your bed prove how many times i was never there for you
and how you needed me instead of a handle of peppermint *****
but I wish you would've told me you bought a bottle from your boyfriend because if you had I would've been able to keep you from puking the feelings you've pushed to the darkest parts of your body,
but you thought it would help to think of Christmas but those red satin ribbons are supposed to be tied around presents
not draped across your wrists
and I'm so sorry that you couldn't feel it when I said I loved you because
****,
i do i do i do.

I noticed how short your nails were
and that you tried to brush out the cow licks in your hair
and I noticed how you grind your teeth when you dream
and how you would jump at the slightest sound
and I noticed that your favorite colors were blue and black and green.

but you only noticed how pink my lips were
and you only noticed how soft my knees were
and you only noticed how I would give you anything if you didn't ask
and you only noticed what you wanted to know and not what you wanted to wonder

but i wonder if you felt the scars on my thighs as you slid your hand passed them
and i wonder if you heard the nervous chuckles when i came up for air
and i wonder if you remember that my eyes are blue and green and my heart is black and i wanted to be your favorite because parts of me are broken and i wanted you to wonder why.

My bedroom floor
feels safer than my bed
You ask why
I cant say
Maybe its because of those nights I made my bed a haven for my thoughts
Screaming into my pillows,
kicking my sheets around,
burying all of my darkness through to the springs in my mattress.
The floor feels safer
because it is the place where I took my first steps out of my head
out of the dark cave of my bed.

My bones creak
and they remind me of my soft screams on the nights I cried until I drowned myself
and when I wake up and feel it stab me in the same places all over again and again and again until I stopped the bleeding with a bundle of your painted words and tried to bandage myself with a thin layer because I didn't think my hurt was so deep
and maybe this is why I'm tired even after I wake up
and maybe this is why I like the pitch black empty silence of my room
and maybe this is why I hate the **** fact that I've been sad for a while hoping someone will save me from this dark river and it's stung my eyes so bad that I wouldn't be able to open them and see that I am the one not swimming or kicking or fighting.