Muster up the words, "I beg you."
Form some kind of apology, please
This isn't you and you know it
Your heart is too warm to treat someone so cold

The breezy winds flow through your hair just as well as they do your emotions and you're making her feel like a helpless feather with no other choice but to get blown away
Even a simple goodbye would be better than this
Trust me, I know closure isn't really your thing, but she deserves at least something
Anything would do this situation justice, just please talk to her

This isn't you, please snap out of it

I know you've been hurt too many times to count and you're looking everywhere for something or someone to fill your voids but do not use innocent hearts as vices, they don't work like that
Don't rob someone of their feelings just because you have a hard time coping with yours

I know sometimes certain situations and feelings can be interpreted differently, but don't kid yourself, you know exactly what you're doing and quite frankly it's making me sick

You aren't perfect and neither is she, but the least you could do is offer her a bandaid when she needs one instead of drinking her blood and leaving a mess for her to cleanup afterwards without even calling her back

All of this is running like a train through my head when I look into my mirror and see myself start to tear up
The bags under my eyes hold all of the emotions that I try my best not to let out

It should be easier than this
Maybe it really is easy, and I'm just not used to change
I'm not sure about a lot of the things that are happening in my life
However, I am sure that I need to stop becoming a bad memory to others

It keeps me awake at night to think about all of the wrong I've done
That there are people whose only memory of me is how I was the worst for them and I don't want that

To my past friends and lovers, I can't say sorry enough
To my present friends and lovers, please don't give up on me; you are the reason I'm still trying
To my future friends and lovers, I hope by the time we meet, I am nothing less than perfect to you

I'm not used to change, but I could get used to being a good memory

I'm always talking in circles,
I always think until I can't sleep,
I'm always breaking myself on other people just to feel something,
This hurts more than everything but I'm starting to like the pain

I love to hate love and I'm destroying myself in these pages now,
Maybe if I tear myself apart no one else will get the chance to,
I love to feel full,
I think I'm making myself empty just so I have the chance to feel full,
Maybe I'm sick and this is all just a sorry excuse

Either way I'm a ****** up head in a sea of debt swimming to a shore that will never exist and I'm slowly realizing this,
I understand that I someday will die by this and afterwards they will cry for me,
Show no pity, I never wanted it,
Just light a cigarette and lay it on my grave,
Even the dead need their vices

I make myself decide over a bullet and a jacket,
If I take the jacket I'll get shot but I'll die warm,
If I take the bullet I'll be safe but I'll die freezing,
I'd rather be the sun than the moon,
I'd rather be bright and loved than cold and alone,
I'm dependent on the thought of dependency,
My body aches because it will never be independent,
Really I smoke cigarettes because it's nice to feel wanted,
Smoke in my lungs feels better than smoke in my heart,
Tar in my chest feels better than tar in my head,
I'm sorry

Rigor mortis,
This is predestined combustion,
This is feeling lustful,
This is feeling reckless when the Devil's at your doorstep,
This is getting eight hours of sleep seven days a week and still feeling restless,
This is the train that's gonna lead you out of this but this is the train ticket you wish you had,
This is forever,
This is the dead dandelion in the summer,
This is the wisp you blow into the ears of gods to make a wish,
This is feeling hopeful among the hopeless and forgetting what hope is,
Rigor mortis

This is forever, whether or not the sun shines

This is forever, whether or not the bandages are ripped off

This is forever, regardless

I shouldn't, but I love it when bad things happen to me,
I take it all, write some of it down, the rest is poetry,
Emotionally inept kingpin, you can find me laying drunk on some curb on some midnight lit avenue, pale skin, tongue blue, I've had too much fun, I don't remember how to breathe

Come to me for whatever you need, depression, anxiety, heartbreak, whatever the case may be,
I have empty suitcases for your baggage, I even have a couple empty coat hangers in my closet, next to the skeletons,
You could even plant a couple flowers in my garden, if you wanted

I'll set myself on fire just to see your eyes light up,
I wanna be your burden,
You can love me as much as you do on the comedown, on the come up, or not, that's up to you
I'll give you the drugs as long as you give me the love, I never knew our relationship could be so easily summed up

I have what you need and I've been waiting so anxiously for you to come along and ruin me,
Fit to be,
Meant to be,
*******, hanging from my neck like a rope,
Hanging from your necklace, a rose,
Tie it tight, suffocate me, use it like a noose,
At this point, I'm used,
Sadistic, full of it, a mess to be made and cleaned up,
A bone to be broke,
A memory to be forgotten and a grave to be dug up

Lonely lovely, I've been feeling so blue, I just want a taste of you,
I just want a taste of you

I just wanna hold you close, **** you dry, clean your blood, wash your wounds, I'm selfish, I just want too much of you

I want so badly the good but nothing good ever lasts and I want forever, so I'll be fine bad to the bone and lonely,
****** that you want me and me only, Worth a lot, but not worth any money,
I spend it all on flowers that'll die eventually,
Kisses sweet like honey,
A snake bite in snake skin, I'll feel it but only slowly, not enough to stop me

I'm eager but I'm weak,
I wanna smile but I have broken teeth,
I see everything, but only in my dreams,
I feel it all too much, to the point where sometimes it feels like I can hardly even think, like I can hardly even catch my breath, like it hurts to breathe,
Something to bring me to my knees,
I deserve this,
I wanna know what it's like to feel humiliated, to feel vulnerable in front of someone else,
I wanna drink cheap beers in the street and shower in sinks

I keep putting myself into situations I can't handle,
I can't talk to you without hurting you so I don't talk to you at all because hurting you is just something I can't handle

I don't want to be the one to cause damage because I've been damaged enough, I'm so tired, ******* exhausted, of hurting everyone else without even trying

I just want to be good for you and I can't be that right now, and I'm sorry

He walks in the front door with a 30 pack of pbr and a whole lotta love,
And when his friends all go to open their first one,
They make a toast and pledge that this’ll be their year

But fall never came here,
It’s been so hot all year,
And the winter came without warning,
Leaving us cold and lonely,
With no room left to feel

My garden is frozen over,
I wish my hair was full of four leaf clovers,
Because I’m scared I’ll never feel lucky enough,
I wanna pull my hair out until until I’m bald and I wanna use my head to grow roses but there will never be enough blood in the soil because I’m too busy reopening the scars,
So the roses will be wilted

Enough is never enough until enough is enough

And

Love only means convenience until love isn’t convenient anymore

And

I wanna **** until I don’t give a **** anymore,
but we’ve all tried that and all that does is leave us alone and in the dark

Wash clean your black eyes

Scrub away everything that makes you hurt

Rub your skin with bars of soap until all you see is bones

Find someone and sit on their bed while they explain how everything in their room became everything that they consider to be home

The hardest part was realizing that we didn’t need others to chase away our loneliness

We just needed to find a way to talk to it

I can feel it all soaking into my skin,
My downfall, the ****** of everything,
Every ending shakes hands with every new beginning yet sticks around to see it all spiral downward into the pit of the next "new beginning",
I've ruined a lot now, I don't know why I have the tendency to keep going,
Failure, my fear of success, my fear of failing successfully and never successfully being successful,
Or maybe it's just my nerves

I spend my day-times gluing together pieces of reasons why my soul is worth saving,
I spend my night-times in my bed poking my fingers with every piece of my heart that's breaking,
There is no one here to blame besides myself,
But why must I be so hard,
Why must I torture myself,
It all comes back to me anyways, so why do I ever give any of it away

Calm me down,
Calm me down,
Please just do something, anything to calm me down,
Cigarettes stopped calming the nerves and alcohol never stopped tasting bitter

I can't sleep, I can't eat,
I can't even shower because ******* warmth reminds me of when I felt it all inside of me, gleaming out like a sun who's crying to be the source of something,
I miss the way happiness flooded me,
I miss the way sadness used to be too terrified to even look at me,
I stop at every crack in the sidewalk because when we stepped on them together you joked about breaking my mother's back,
You never mentioned anything about breaking hearts, or how you're so good at it

I sit and watch traffic, wondering where everyone is going,
Wondering what everyone is trying their best to run away from

I wonder what I'm trying to run away from

I wonder if there's even anything to run away from

This script has been written a hundred times over, and much like the rain, it will show itself less before it comes back again,
And sometimes it is heavy, sometimes it is soft,
It will kiss your forehead to sleep and then wake you up in the morning, sometimes like it is begging at your window for some kind of help, other times like it is just sitting on your windowsill, staring at you with bright eyes and a lust for washing away whatever has hurt you

I sit at this desk with flowers and candles and a whole hearse worth of broken words to express over a keyboard,
And the script will be a masterpiece until it isn’t anymore

And I will pick out the actors and actresses using the names of hearts I am not invited into anymore,
And I will play out the script on the stage I call my bedroom floor,
Dance around until the early morning with or without the memories of emotions I do or don’t feel anymore towards these people

And what a curse it is here,
Having writer’s block at this keyboard because I’ve drowned out the words for the script with the rain of someone else’s clouds,
No umbrellas to catch whatever comes falling from the sky,
just drops of rain on my glasses and soaked button ups

And by the time my clothes are dried and my glasses are wiped clean,
When I look back at my keyboard and then the screen,
The script is back to the first sentence I started with, and it has been like this a hundred times over now

When I finally finish this script, what will stop the rain from loving it too much?

It isn’t much longer after we find happiness again that we feel ourselves falling back down to the bottom of it all. The scariest part? We still have our mailbox down there. Our welcome mats. Our doorsteps still have those cracks in them that kinda scare you into thinking there’s something much more scarier than that place and we just haven’t kissed depression hard enough on the mouth yet to get there.

But you know what’s a lie? The lie is that once you fall back into that just-warm-enough bed, you will never ever want to leave. You will never ever escape. You will never ever get a chance to see your problems face to face. The lie that there will never be enough stones from rock bottom to skip across the pond; keep skipping rocks until one of them makes a sound loud enough for search and rescue. There are rocks being thrown from every moonlit sidewalk and coffee shop, enough to make a noise loud enough that the angels tell God to shut us up.

There is no eureka moment in brokenness. There is wanting, there is learning, and there is growing.

We’ll grow up to not want anything anymore. We’ll learn then what we need.

I searched the surface of your skin looking for the answers to my personal problems

I looked for answers in your scars that I already knew but wanted to pretend I didn’t

I wish our love was easy like listening to old people talk about gas prices down at the local coffee shop over cigars and old shared wisdom

I wish there was a metaphor for all of this, but it isn’t that easy

I knew how dangerous you were and how dangerous you could be but I strapped on my helmet like Evil Knievel because you made me feel like I could walk through fire and come out untouched by the flames

I made myself a certain kind of Houdini, like your heart was some kind of magic trick to be figured out

I dipped my fingers into love and painted your face my favorite shades of forgiveness

I used you

I used you like the 3 month old bar of soap that sits in my shower,
I don’t use it often, but when I do, I hope that there’s still enough left in it to make me feel some kind of clean

I built you up like a sandcastle on the nicest beach imaginable and threw away the tools I used without realizing that there was a hurricane coming and that hurricane was going to rip away all of the progress I thought I had made here

I look for myself in everyone that I meet

I wonder what makes all of them tick,
What kind of gears turn inside of everyone that make them the way that they are, and I try to mimic the gears and use them to make my own heart beat

I used to tell people that I knew how to speak multiple languages because I made myself become fluent in your heart beat

it’s so funny now that I think about it because once we lose touch with something we seem to lose it completely,
I only know one language anymore, sadness,
and it’s the sharpest knife I own,
I wish right now wasn’t the time I chose to become self destructive,
Because by the end of this I just might hurt myself a little too far passed broken

I learned how to love myself the same day I stopped seeing heartbreak as a house that I can build piece by piece

In my dreams I walk on the lines of reciprocated love and happiness and never fall off but as soon as I wake up I find myself lying on the floor of my bedroom and I do not want to remember how I ended up here

Faith has always seemed like something that only people who feel like they’re about to die have,
Maybe that’s why I’ve been trying to talk to God since the first time I set myself on fire

She said she wishes she wasn’t so bad at this,
I tell her sometimes I wish I wasn’t so good,

Self love goes by a different name now

Lately, I’ve been waking up every morning at 8am like clockwork, with tears in my eyes and on my cheeks, clawing their way out of my face like they’re running from something,
And a sense of panic that I can only describe as seeing an animal in your car’s headlights but not being able to slow down quick enough

Do you understand, how ******* disgusting it is to not feel like you’re able to write anything until everything feels like it’s on fire, and your only way of putting it out is to cough up a bunch of metaphors and hope they’re wet enough

Sometimes when I get really anxious I like to take road trips,
And when I’m driving,
I like to close my eyes,
Just so I can remember what it’s like to not possibly have any control of anything

Sometimes when I get really anxious, I try to recite the alphabet backwards,
Just so I can remember what it’s like to be able to forget something

Sometimes, it feels like I’ve been taking the wrong medicine at the wrong times and the right medicine doesn’t have a right time,
Only feel alive in the night time, take deep breaths,
We are alone in this,
You and I are alone in this,
We are in some way,
Together in this

When I think about anxiety, I like to think about it like it’s a bee,
and I wish that it would die after it stung me,
But I know it won’t,
I know it will keep on,
I know that it will drip it’s honey into the eyes of all of my closest friends and family,
And sometimes it will become too thick to see through,
And they will learn to live with it,
And I will learn to live with it

Sometimes, when I get really anxious, I am the sunset,
I envy moon, I would give anything to be able to see the way the trees move at night,
Silent, but fast, I was always told there was some kind of magic to be talked about when it came to the dark

Yes, I’m not lying when I tell you I’m riding high,
I’m feeling it all at once, everything around me, from everyone’s faces, to their footsteps, it is all running a marathon through my veins, the finish line nowhere to be found, I feel them all, all of them, their angry and driven footsteps, using the soil of my blood to plant their gardens inside of me that will one day without fail turn rotten, and die,
and my body will feel the decay of drought when my blood runs dry, when the sunlight is no longer strong enough to break through my thick skin,
I feel like the sunlight

Yes, I’m not lying when I tell you I’m riding high,
Cold, and shaking, itching for the comfort of normality inside of this hellscape, a national landmark of uneasiness and lack of empathy for the fingers on my hands and toes on my feet,
It takes a real kind of high to be able to feel when every single hair on your head moves in the wind and every single hair on the back of your neck raises, as if it’s trying to stand guard against something it knows will **** it

I find myself here, locked and loaded in this hazy battlefield, yet when I fire my guns, the only thing that comes out is dirt, and not enough of it either

I am riding high in the midst of 6 sleepless nights,
firing lucid canons into my bedroom walls in hopes that if nothing else, my delusions will break me a way out of here

That’s what this is all about anyways, right?

They lick their lips to the sight of my downfall,
The sinner, the saint,
The meaning's the same,
We can't get away from meaningless things and we spend our days just wasting away

Make love,
******* take drugs,
******* hate love,
For all we know we're gonna die young, so let's get ****** up until we're all numb

The venom is watching your every move and it is licking its lips just waiting to get a taste of your bloodstream,
Headstrong paradox,
Chatterbox chatterbox,
You love to talk **** yet you hate to live it,
I'd hate to see the way your neck pivots when those vulture eyes give your weary veins a place to rest,
Lie with them and die like the rest, get a glimpse of what ever after looks like,
We're all sick here, get used to it

If the devil's in the details then consider me satanic, I make my way into every crack and crease and turn your nights into days,
Angels weep for us,
The demons sweep us up and dump us out into the cold and empty roads and tell us to fend for ourselves,
So we spend more time driving aimlessly with the radio waves set on heaven than we do with our friends and family

When she died she took bits and pieces of us,
They're stuck on spiderwebs and bad intentions and they're not ever coming back,
We're not ever coming back,
But we love this,
We live for this,
We would be nothing without this,
I'd sell my soul if it were worth anything, trust me,
I kept myself away but I'm starting to like the pain

I met God and He shook his head at me,
I met the Devil and He handed me a bouquet of flowers,
Maybe I can grow my own garden of Eden using them and maybe this time we'll keep the apples out of it

Until the day comes when I feel I belong,
I'll keep singing the serpent's song,
I'll keep singing along,
I'll keep the covenant ****** and I'll set my pages on fire,
I'll keep pretending this matters and that I'm not just wasting away,
It's hard not to feel any other way

As you're walking, take time to stop and smell the flowers
I was a flower that kept growing every time you picked me
The unfortunate part is that you kept coming back to me knowing that I would always grow back for you
And I couldn't run away from you because I was stuck in the same soil I'm sitting in right now
I just hope for the day when the sun is able to shine on me and let me grow without me having to worry about you coming back to take me away again

By the time you read this, my car will be somewhere in the Ohio River,
By the time you hear this, I will be long gone, do not try looking for me, I will not be found

I made up my mind eventually,
I went home,
I packed a suitcase with my favorite shirts and shoes and hats,
I was too afraid to leave a note, but I should mention that I don't think I'm ever coming back,
I know I have a lot of responsibilities and it's stupid of me to leave,
But it's the responsibilities that made me want to leave in the first place,
I'm sorry I never grew up, I'm sorry I'm a big baby,
Above all, I'm not trying to prove anything, I just need to get away

Before you even mention it, I stopped going to classes weeks ago, besides, I was never really one for commitment, you know this,
And I'm sorry you had such high hopes for me, I don't really have much to say about that, besides sorry  

Like clockwork, I stand in my kitchen every night,
Silhouetted by the refrigerator light,
Searching for something to eat but I don't find a single thing, nothing sounds or looks good, even slightly, I haven't eaten in weeks,
I'm surrounded by the darkness now more than ever even though the sun is shining,
I'm sick of it,
But I'd be nothing without it,
It's kinda my thing,
But I don't got a lot to show for it,
You know what I mean?

Got a lot of money but it doesn't mean a thing,
I'm as broke as ever and it doesn't even feel like I have time to breathe,
But I manage,
Like I was told back in therapy,
Not everyone leaves,
and sometimes I just need to blink but I'm afraid if I blink I'll miss everything happening,
So I've been awake for days looking up at my ceiling hoping maybe if I prayed one of these gods was listening,
I don't got a lot to lose, right?
I don't really believe in miracles but maybe this time is different,
Like, maybe if I showed interest someone or something will talk back to me,
Even if nothing happens, I know I need to start caring, start trying,
It's just hard sometimes

So my plan is to drive off the bridge,
Maybe something will stop me,
Even if nothing happens, there's nothing wrong with trying,
And if I drown, I drown,
I was never really one for swimming,
There's no life jacket where I'm going,
But I'm fine with that,
Maybe I'll see you again sometime

I'm sorry

My uncle used to tell me that the sky was blue because we lived inside the eye of a giant, the sky would never cloud over, Nothing would ever feel better because it was already the best it could feel,
Nothing was ever going to hurt us and we could live our entire lives safely

When I was 14 years old my uncle took his own life by hanging, but my family always told me he passed away in a car crash,
Now I don't remember the last time I wore a seatbelt because ever since then I've had a really hard time believing in safety

I'm so scared of never being able to not feel like this,
To not feel like I am being taken advantage of,
My mind will forever consider these situations no matter what situation I am in,
I could stay up night after night trying to convince myself otherwise,
not that it would make any kind of difference,
So whenever I find something new and refreshing, all I know how do is sit in silence,
Hope to quiet this strange hurricane happening inside of me,
It kind of feels like one of these days the winds are gonna rip me to shreds, but I won't have the help, because I'll tell myself that I don't need it, anyways

I am terrified of calling myself a writer,
I am terrified of realizing that the only escape I have from this is a pen and a piece of paper,
Anxiety keeps telling me that one day all of the ink is going to spill out and the only option I'll have left is to take myself out,
They'll have to see me laying in a puddle of my own ink, my veins soaking in what once was my emotions and feelings, dripping through the floorboards and into the ground,
After that they'll see my entire body sink,
They'll see every comma and exclamation point flow out of my fingers and feet like it's some kind of tar filled river,
They'll see my lips start to quiver and the only thing left to come out,
The only thing they'll ever hear me say ever again,
Will be a sliver,
"I don't know why I am apologizing, but I'm so sorry that it never got better"

I wake up every morning and I am terrified,
I'm terrified of the nightmares I had the night prior,
When my best friend told me that I'd burn in a lake of fire because of my depression, that I wasn't normal, and that I had a disease,
That I was so sad all of the time because I didn't believe in a God,
That I was so hopeless because I wasn't leaning on some overplayed fake version of reassurance,
That I chose to pray to these demons to set me free,
The same demons that cast these shadows over me,
I remember yelling through tears at him, "I don't need to believe in a God to believe in myself",
I'm trying my best, but at this point, good things always seem so foreign to me,
It just seems so foreign to breathe

So until I reach that breaking point, where the moon and the sun are both only arbiters of light that I can use to guide myself through this darkness, through what feels like never ending night,
I'll be terrified of everyone and everything

I'll either get to happiness, or I'll die trying

"*******!" screamed the drunken poet stumbling into the door with a half smoked cigarette in one hand and a coffee stained journal in the other

I asked why I wasn't worth the effort and you asked me if it was a rhetorical question,
Rain will fall and fill in the gaps we leave for space to make a home,
The clouds will crowd above our heads to choose between regret and anger; which will make our day more miserable,
We will collapse under the pressure of trying harder than anyone ever has for the things we hold near and dear to us,

A society dying of emotional asphyxiation,
Warmongers threatening the very last thing keeping them from falling off the edge,
Innocence showcased through picking flowers and sharing smiles,
We are broken and we are picking up the pieces one cut at a time,

Gutting the stomachs of lovers and creating sculptures in memory of the undeserving,
Setting fire to everything we're used to in order to create room for the risks we finally aren't afraid to take because of the exhaustion pulling us as far down as we can possibly go,

We sure are a mess, but at least we're giving it our best
Distressed and lost, only hoping to find ourselves in one another,
I want to get as lost as possible, that way I will feel confusion once again; at this point I am used to knowing everything before it even happens,
Or maybe that's just my anxiety making me create situations that haven't even happened yet,
Or maybe I really am a mess,
Or maybe I just need to be told it's okay,
Or maybe I need to embrace the fact that I'm a madman with a twisted messiah complex

All I know is that at the end of the day, I spill my coffee just as much as you do,
I smoke as many cigarettes as I need to,
I find happiness in everything before my sadness does,
I sure am a mess, but at least I am giving it my best,
I am alive, so I might as well live

******* sniffing, love eluded, ill informed with ill intentions,
You never bothered to say bye but that doesn't matter if nothing mattered after I said hi, *******, you heartbreaking ***** of a lover, before this even started it was over, now I'm wishing for death, looking like death warmed over, but all of that's besides the point, if you called, I'd still come over,
And I hate myself for that

I'll never get it back,
Kissed my life goodbye when I skipped Bible study with you to get high, haven't prayed in a minute, I'm not the closest with the Big Guy, and I know that,
Wish I spent my time worrying more about the future than I do about the throwbacks, nostalgia vulture, upset at you for caring less about the world and caring more about the culture

It's getting weirder for me to be here, look at her smile, wish I could fix her

We were walking down the sidewalk and you hated your mother so much that you went out of your way to step on every crack,
You were bad for me, but I knew that, I kept singing your song, even if my voice cracked, because I loved you, but don't worry too much, I'd ******* **** myself before I wanted you back,
And I know it doesn't seem that way when you're all I can write about,
But I'm only writing it down because it's all I can think about, and I think you like that

I kept the fear in my mouth
I kept the fear in my mouth
I kept the fear in my mouth

I kept the fear in my mouth and I wanted to use the gun to shoot it out but I ended up just swallowing it and using it as the inspiration to write this, I hope you don't mind

Been awake since you left because I can't sleep without sleeping on your side of the bed, and I don't want to,
I spend my days writing letters with no return address because I don't want you to write back, not that you even would, but besides that, I've been wreckless without you,
I ******* hated alcohol before you, but I spend my nights drunk as fire thinking about what I'd do to get the time back,
I miss you, wait **** that, sorry, that's just the wine talk,
No I'm not sorry, ******* and everything that you came with,
******* and all the demons you came with,
You molded me into everything you wish I would've came with,
Sculpted my cracks into smooth creases, you made me brain dead,
But besides that

I might just have to turn cold and heartless, it's not like you've given me any other option

That's all for now, I'm sure there'll be a next time, until then,
Just remember who gave up

Fading, fading, everything is fading,
Pacing, I'm pacing and pacing,
My troubled mind is nothing less in this moment than what it was at my lowest,
It's like I never even left,
I don't think I'll ever have the guts to leave

I'm breaking down because I need to,
***** breath from ***** cigarettes,
Please never forgive me, I can't even bring myself to do it,
I can't even bring myself, I can't even--

Look, I can hear it coming, I can see it,
I just want to be a part,
Lonely hearts, broken stars, cataclysmic lullaby,
Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep,
This is what we've all been waiting for,
This is what I've been waiting for, anyways

Anyways, these days are low,
Bruised eyelids from beating myself to sleep every night,
I can't even sleep at night,
Repetitive repulsion, blood dripping from every crack of my intuition,
Suspended from the balcony, watching it all play out in front of me,
Holding on to every last breath I could possibly breathe,
I do not clap,

*I do not clap

In a world far far away from ours, I like to envision the people there. The beings, there. How they feel things, if at all. And how they express themselves. If they feel what’s right and what’s wrong, or if they know what forgiveness is, or if they even have a need for it. And if they do, how is it painted across their faces? Is it ugly? Or is it understood?

If they are able to understand the forgiveness, how do they express it? Through words, actions, being quiet, or taking no action at all? And if so, how stagnant does their love become once the ugliness of their forgiveness becomes quiet as snow?

Or maybe it’s the opposite. Maybe they have no desire for forgiveness because their wrongs don’t amount to rights, or their rights to their wrongs. How beautiful must that feel? What we all would give to feel flawless inside of our morals, never taking for granted the misery we fill ourselves up with just by misunderstanding forgiveness.

In that world so far, far away, how are apologies painted? Or have they all collectively come to the conclusion that they should not need to apologize for the space between our worlds, and we should not need to forgive them for it, simply because it was created that way.

It feels so immeasurably invalidating to confront the fact that we are as simple as children until the day that we die, and every day until then, we dress up in our suits and ties and parade the idea of forgiveness,

just hoping that we can become a martyr for it.

I'm growing my hair out because it's the only thing that tends to stick around with me
I keep tugging and pulling at it even though I know I shouldn't because eventually it will all fall out, just like your love did for me
We fed off of our negative energies, my toxicity and your lack of understanding
We were bound to end up broken eventually, I just wish it wouldn't have happened this soon, I wasn't ready
I'm just a child too immature to handle everything around me, I know I need to change, but I'm too caught behind my stubbornness to evolve from something like this
It's affecting those around me, but I don't care
It's starting fires and I'm not even trying to put them out
I'm a disgusting ******* and I don't want to do anything to help myself
I'm just going to continue to bury my feelings and emotions into the hearts of the ones who seem to care the most about me, hoping they put up with me long enough for me to grow up and realize what I'm doing is sickening; maybe I'll change then
But until that happens, I'll continue to cry and mope about everything that makes me upset, even if it isn't worth it, even if it's hurting the ones around me, even if I know I'm doing wrong

I AM THE VICTIM IN THIS, I AM DOING NOTHING WRONG

--

Man, shut the **** up
You're so stuck behind your ego that you can't even see straight
Stop ruining the innocence of forgiving hearts
You know you're going to hurt them in the end, so why do you keep going?
Why do you refuse to come to terms with yourself and realize you can benefit from your disasters instead of maturing a little bit and facing them like you preach so much about
If only you understood how genuine of a person you have the potential to be, but you're too busy trying to avoid your problems to care about any of them
I just hope you know this will tear you down if you don't stop it
The ones you think love you will turn their backs on you for this
Stop acting like a child and man up and stop blaming everyone but yourself
You know you're in the wrong, start acting like it, it's all we ask
We love you and we want to see you prosper, but this won't end well if you keep acting this way

Love isn't a blame game and you aren't the victim of anything

Round and round on a mary go round
This is just simple child's play
There's only a slight chance that the grass is greener on the other side

When you come around
You are smiling so hard
And joy is manifesting the air around you

Growing up will never seem real
Just like when we were walking through the park the other day and you looked up at me
I saw you ten years ago on that swing set
I remember asking if you wanted to get ice cream with me because it was such a hot day
I was young and didn't know better

Our bills are late and we are scrounging
Living check to check was something you thought you would stop doing after moving out of your mother's house

I remember the first time I took you out to dinner
You refused to let me pay for you
and then when I went to hold your hand you flenched
because the last man that grabbed your hand was your stepfather
and he wasn't doing it to comfort you like I was

Days turned to nights and your tears never seemed to go away
I couldn't stop apologizing and telling you that it was all my fault

I am so sorry that I could not give you more

I remember seeing your face as it went through the window
My knees were stuck under the steering wheel and I couldn't move my neck, but I still saw that iconic glimmer in your eye
Tragedy is beautifully terrifying
Only good will come from this

We seemed to fight through it all, why give it all up now?
We were just starting to find our way out of the labyrinth, and I hadn't smoked one single cigarette in three months

Five months after that I see you and your new lover at the same park we used to take walks in
I am writing this in shambles at 3am in my apartment
I am on my fifth cigarette

We were like peas and carrots, but I was not sweet enough
I was always pushing for us
You never stopped giving up

There is beauty in pessimism just like there is beauty in the sun
The moon is as optimistic as the stars; maybe, just maybe we will see the sun rise

I know when you lick your lips you can still ******* sadness

I know this because when I lick mine I can still taste yours

A mixture of honey and heartbreak

Sometimes thick, sometimes runny

But still there nonetheless

And I know it isn’t going anywhere for either of us

But it’s important to enjoy it before it’s gone

Yeah, it hurts, but it’s so sweet

I could kiss your body so hard my nose bleeds

Or we could stay up for weeks and find each other’s tongues on the back of our teeth

Whatever makes us comfortable enough

I am the sounding of your alarm
and the ringing of your bells

I am worth it, I am divine

I am the current that sweeps you away and the breeze that fills your mind

The sunlight casts a shadow on all of your wrongdoing; you are the most beautiful black sin

Forgive me not for my slumber, wake me not when you find me

Fill me with your benevolence, nurture me on your Earth
The surface is slick and clean, and I am the dirtiest of the sea

Forgive me not for my sins, I will be washed away in the end

I see you while you eat
I see you while you sleep
I will see you in every single one of your dreams

This life is a labyrinth for those of you who wish to be
What a shame it is to believe
I am every little thing you live, I am every little thing you breathe

I will be there when your curtain drops
I will be the only one you see

A wolf among sheep
A flower in the weeds
A breath taken just a little too deep

This is how I assess the damage
This is how I take it all in and really get to know myself
How will I ever get the chance to turn this around
What if my pastor walked up to me on Sunday and told me I was hell bound

If I looked up into the sky and cried and cried
Would I get the chance to remind myself it's not my fault
Or would I continue the process of destruction and self loathing and hope to God the situation figures itself out

The ceiling is more blank now than it has ever been
It doesn't come as a surprise, but it doesn't offer me a solution
If I close my eyes and see stars
I hope I remind myself they're just in my imagination

Like all of my problems, they are all in my imagination
My brain is the only thing in my body besides my stomach that never stops turning
Like a wheel, my pessimism never seems to stop rolling
It just keeps rolling and rolling and rolling

I am getting just a little bit too car-sick
My bones are feeling just a little bit too homesick
And I am beginning to think that in the end of all of this
All of my problems will fall on me and cover me like a certain

We all want to find some kind of purpose to our lives,
So we go on and we stick our tongues back down the throat of Babylon until we find a god to blame all of our problems on,
Some kind of ***** priest’s ears to scream our perverted thoughts into

Each night when we dance with the devil on his doorstep, we see our silhouettes flicker back and forth on his front door, cascaded by hellfire and the sins we seem to have talked ourselves out of

There’s a cool summer coming, I can feel it, the heat being scared away, running for some kind of cover, the same cover we keep praying to, keep singing to, keep wishing for,
And we write our wills to cater to whatever will profit us,
And we write our eulogies in braille because we know by the end of it all of our eyes will be burned down to piles of ash with no spirit left to rise out of,
No pair of glasses that aren’t broken

And we light candles and sprinkle holy water for séances,
I know there’s a way to bring back the dead, I’ve been doing it every single morning for twenty one years now

There’s no better feeling than hellfire, I tell you,
There’s no better feeling than hellfire

The hellfire our grandfathers and great grandfathers fought to step out of,
It’s all still alive and it’s all still breathing, right here in the pit of the void we’ve created over and over for ourselves

What a mess of hatred and bigotry we’ve stitched into our eyelids,
What a mess of brimstone, stacked on top of empty swimming pools and stuck to the feet of everyone in the choir,
Their lips still learning to stop the fire,
Their feet grown into the cracks of the sidewalks in Babylon

I’ve watched everything die without enough time to learn the language of the devil,
And because of this I will never know how to bargain with him,
And because of this there will never be enough soul in me to sell

There’s no better feeling than hellfire

I've found out what stories the highways have to tell and I swear they're some of the best I've ever heard
Smokey windshields and blaring guitar solos in all, the road is a canvas just begging to be painted on

The tears of teenage existence will drain and fill and drain once more
The angst of late lovers will catch fire and spread to every part of this city
The state lines will blur more and more the closer you approach them
You are part of something so much greater now
Take a moment and realize that everything you do and say has never sounded more crystal clear

We will cross the bridge when we get there and we will sit on the side of the river
We will talk about what emotions have been trying to drown us lately all while trying our hardest not to drown in the water itself because good friendship creates the best kind of atmosphere you could ever be involved in

This is a revolution

I don't think you heard me

This, my friends, is a revolution

Burn your inner demons to the ground
Drown your worst fears in the waters of the holy land
Turn on Free Bird and dance in the moonlight until your body becomes numb with the feeling of excitement
Forget what problems are weighing on your shoulders for just a few minutes and let the wind of the river blow through your hair
I swear you will forget everything except this moment because forgetting is the only solution the river will give you
The only time the river will ever allow you to have is a ******* good time
Because the river courses through the veins of this country and trust me when I tell you that it has seen some **** and it wouldn't wish any of these problems onto you

The river is as iconic as you hear about because it is the birthplace of our generation's revolution and the highways that lead to it are the stepping stones of accepting yourself as a solution and not a problem

So by all means
Crank your radio up
Listen to Springsteen preach the good word
Arrive and waste no time
The children of the river are waiting for you
We have fires to start and cities to take over

*This is the revolution

We get it while we can
If sunrises and exhaustion have taught me anything, it's that we need take risks when they present themselves, and that we need not miss chances when they are given to us, we are infinite

A raging river sharing its company with those who need to get everything off of their chests, cigarettes to mask the inner conflict of it all, good friends and good literature, we are infinite

Broken hearts mended by perfect symmetry, hands shaking with the uneasy excitement of what to expect next
The moon kisses us by showing us the stars on a breezy night, missed flights to god only knows where, the answers written on the arms and legs of the ones who find faith in everything, we are infinite

Riding home with your comrade, thanking the sky for sharing its beauty of a breathtaking sunrise, promising that everything can be okay again, and that everything isn't always bad all the time

If nothing else, this alone is worth living for
We will go where the road takes us, and we will find peace in the destruction of everything around us
When everything else is hell, this, right here, right now, is heaven

We are infinite

These ships have seen rougher waves
In other words, these ships have sailed

I want to drink *** at the helm
I want to tell the ones around me that I feel like king of the world
I want to feel like king of the world

Welcome to the sea port of wrecklessness
We welcome all who are willing to lose themselves in the midst of it all

Gunpowder and ballrooms
We don't take this as serious as we should
I am surrounded by flashing lights and loud bangs
Loose cannons, they are walking the plank just for the hell of it
I have wanted to call this place my home for so long

Now I am finally here and I can't even find the strength to stay calm on these stormy waters

It feels like my ships have sailed
I shouldn't have to feel in charge
I shouldn't be the one to steer the helm
My lungs shouldn't have to bear this
My hands seem so tired
I seem so tired

I have a sailors mouth
but a first mate's broken heart

Welcome to the seaport of warmth
We welcome all who want rehabilitation
Come to us if you need a place to rest your weary head
We will shield you from the flashing lights and loud bangs
I have always called this place my home

I was never as wreckless as I wanted to be

I was never a pirate, I never wanted to be
The sea is as open as my mind
Sometimes it feels nice, other times not so much
I don't remember the last time I wasn't lost

I have been searching for this treasure my whole life, but I can't seem to get out of Davey Jones' Locker

By the time they have all moved on, I will be a hundred feet deep in the dark of the ocean
My ships have sailed

Yes, the lights are off, but you are not on your floor crying.
It's 3am and you're laying silently in your bed and you can't stop turning. You haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks.

It isn't "You can do this, just hold on!".
It's the constant gnawing at your neck and the feeling of disgusting hands reaching around your throat and choking you, yet your arms are so tired that you can't even muster up the motivation to want to reach up and yank the hands away.

It feels like you want to do everything you possibly can, yet you're too tired to do anything. So much so that you would rather lay in bed and come up with excuses about how even the simplest tasks are the biggest problems that you can't come up with solutions to. You would rather stay here and wallow in your sadness than open your window for fresh air and fix yourself something to eat.

It's being surrounded by your closest friends and still feeling sad.
It's staying up to watch the sunrise without even wanting to.
It's feeling nauseous without riding a roller coaster.
It's sitting in your shower long after you've washed yourself clean. You're only sitting in your shower because your tears feel less noticeable with the faucet running on your face; the only reason you're sitting instead of standing is because you're too exhausted to stand anymore.

You can't stand it anymore.

It's realizing what's best for you, and when you try your hardest to do what's best for you, it feels like the world is collapsing onto you.
It's a walk in the park on a freezing Tuesday evening in December when the snow is beyond cold but it's the only thing left that makes you feel anything so you feel compelled to sit in it.

It's a lot of things.
Most importantly though, it's nothing.
At least that's what you keep telling people.

*Please stop sugarcoating it.

I have learned to trust beauty that comes from my body and elsewhere

I have mapped out the rivers that flow through my arms and into my chest,
And I have memorized them and labeled them as “Something So Much Better Now”

I have knitted and patched up the tears and fractures in my bones, placed there by strangers who did not know themselves as well as they pretended to

I am learning to appreciate the rain aside from sleepless nights, besides,
Sometimes even the sky has to cry

Every evening I have taught myself how to tuck myself in again, kiss my own forehead, and chant myself bedtime stories,
And every morning I have taught myself how to appreciate opening the blinds and cracking the windows to smell whatever roses the bees are flocking to at 9am on a warm summer morning

And yet I know that the cold is coming back,
And I know summer is as short as a child’s attention span,
And winter has been harsh before, but that does not mean it cannot learn from its mistakes like I have, and still am

But I am learning, I am relearning

And with that, I will teach myself how to respect the colder weather like a mother or father

With strict discipline, openness, a warm hug, and trust

I am awake at midnight every night picking feathers from the wings of all the angels I have stolen,
I am being unhinged by the minute,
I am let loose, I am livid,
I am the Christ conscious abandoned,
I am losing time and I am losing friends

The ends of the earth are making a home in my garden and the molten flowers are seeping into my veins and will soon make me combust so I need to say what I need to say and make it quick before I run out of time

"We can no longer go on like this"
She is screaming at him and he is hearing nothing besides the rustling of the wind at his window

I am speeding down the highway with three cigarettes smoked one after the other and turning up my radio so loud that God is speaking to me through heaven's  radio waves

WE WILL GET THERE AND WE WILL SUFFER,
WE WILL GET THERE AND WE WILL SUFFER

Sulfur and cyanide and angel dust and complexes,
I am a ******* lunatic and I am being strung out over coffee tables and bathroom stalls,
I am a thread being pulled into hell,
I am unraveling before the ones who came before me and I am giving them hell,
I am finally understanding the difference between letting go and holding too close,
My bones yearn for something stronger than themselves,
I am absolutely destroying myself but I would not want this any other way, I can promise you that

A poet writes about wanting to escape to a world that's less crowded than his head,
A painter paints visions of a world he wishes he could own but will never get the chance to

Bukowski wrote about people finally looking like flowers at last but never was able to see the beauty in himself,
Van Gogh painted flowers that are now in museums but he used that same paint to try to poison himself

I am staying up until the sun comes out because I am no longer comfortable in the daylight

I am not killing myself, but I am suffering

This is a way of coping

This is a way of coping

It is like a ****** of crows flying to a corpse to eat their dinner,
They feast on sadness and heartbreak and they need to get their money's worth while they still can, I get that,
What hurts the most is that it is inevitable that they will come,
Regardless of anything, the crows will come and they will pick apart the bones as if the bones never belonged to anyone or anything before they arrived,
It's a cruel world and I guess things just have to be this way

"You just don't have to be so ******* soft about everything!"
He's screaming at her for the fifth time this week because she's decided that being alone is a hell of a lot scarier than being with someone who hurts you, even if they hurt you a lot

It is not my fault that I am like this,
It is not my fault that I am not hefty enough to hold this weight,
It is not my fault that fires start in my bones and heat my mind up so much that it starts to overheat and stop working,
It is not my fault that I stopped working,
It is not my fault that I cannot forgive myself for the things I did not do

A ****** of crows fly together and create a black cloud of desperation,
It's been a few weeks since I haven't seen any clouds and I've gotten drunk more times than I can count and I've smoked more cigarettes than there are trees,
I'm so sorry but they are gutting me from head to toe, the crows, the crows are eating everything I've made for myself up to this point like it's some kind of ******* waste,
Like everything I've made of myself from then until now, wiped out like it never happened,
Progress completely lost,
All sense of accomplishment gone,
This always happens

I'm sick and tired of telling myself that it isn't okay to tell myself that I love myself,
I'm hanging on here by the skin of my teeth and the tar in my lungs and it's lonely here, it's really, really lonely here

I say sorry a lot, but I'm not sorry about this, this, I'm so ******* sick of this,
I want this to go away,
I want them to go away,
The crows,
I want them to go away

I'm getting through this whether I want to or not, with or without anyone's help, I just have to keep reminding myself that these crows will never pick all of the meat away but they sure as hell will get as much as they can while they still have the chance

I should do the same

These poems will fall in love with you, just as you have fallen in love with them

People change,
Feelings fade,
Lovers drift,
Friends leave,
Friends become enemies,
Lovers become strangers

It is up to you if you want to buy a ticket and take the ride or watch from the sidelines,
I haven't been home in a week,
My best friend snorts lines even though his pulse is already weak,
Brothers will look at their older sisters for a peak,
Mothers will leave fathers because they tweak

I do not blink

It is midnight now and I will get kicked out of this bar at half passed three because some ******* will try to spike some innocent girl's drink and I do not choose to stand for it

Yes, I bought this ticket,
Yes, I chose to ride with this,
Will you ride with me or will you take nothing seriously,
Seriously, this is getting old and I need a break,
The Earth is ******* and we will leave as soon as this is over,
He is ******* and he will leave as soon as it is over,
The second she looks over her shoulder she will become broken,
The second he looks down on her, he will forget her name

Yes, it is midnight now and the world will cease,
Yes, it is midnight now and I cannot breathe

Too little torment for those who deserve it,
Too much torment for those who never asked for it

You, never asked for it,
He, never asked for it,
She, never asked for it,
We, we never asked for it

However we bought the ticket and we are taking the ride,
None of this will stop for as long as we can handle it,
And when the time comes when none of us can handle this,
We will end it

Here, drink this,
Here, smoke this,
Here is my heart, I want you to break it until I can no longer feel it

This is all a warzone and we will bleed this until we can no longer feel it

In conclusion,
Will you wait,
Or will you buy the ticket

Hey there,
It's me again.
I know I've come to you before and you never say anything back to me, but I have no other choice; so please just listen to me carefully.
I know it's been a few years and you haven't heard from me, but I just got caught up in what life is suppose to be about. I'm sorry. But I'm here now, and I have so much to tell you.
First of all, *******. I hate doing this and I hate coming back to you because I know for a fact that there are others that have no other choice but to see you, and here I am, willfully coming to you. Congratulations for this.
I used to feel like my loved ones were going to have to drag the lake for me because of you, and I'm so stupid to be coming back to you after everything you've done to me.
I know I've told you that I don't believe in God, but recently I've had no other choice but to pray to him and ask him sincerely to please never let you show your face to me again.
I'm going to a funeral tomorrow evening, and even though I never met the guy, it fills me with nothing but rage to know that you stole everything from him.
I was told that he had everything going for him. Perfect grades, a perfect athlete, not a thing in the world seemed to be able to stop him. He was so young and full of potential. Until you came along.
You forced his body to starve so badly that it had no choice but to eat itself.
That sounds familiar, doesn't it?
That no matter how many times I'm able to run away from you, you never fail to fill my stomach with what seems like a black abyss that never stops screaming at me for everything I do.

Second of all, I hope you're happy with all of this.
I hope you see me struggle and turn in my sleep because of you and you get a kick out of it.
I hope that you feel a sense of accomplishment when you see me smiling and decide I'd be better off back in the dumps. You somehow always think that I've always wanted this.
There have been times when I've wanted nothing more, but now is not that time.
I've grown so much without you and I hope you've noticed.
Life has given me such a sense of self worth. Something that you could never do for me.
In fact, all you ever gave me was the complete opposite.
It's been a struggle, but I don't need you. I never did, so please stay the **** away from me.

Last but not least, this is the last time you will ever hear from me.
Death, I am staring you right in the face and I feel more confident now than I ever have.
Death, no matter how many times you try to push down on my chest, I will take the deepest breath you've ever seen me take.
Death, say goodbye to your longest prisoner, I hope you become lonely without me.

Death, not today.
Death, not ever.

Yours truly, the one that got away.

PS, I'm gonna need this letter back to write more things on to help my head get rid of you.

Spinning, restless, contagious
Let me under your skin
I can feel myself coming for your throat with a raised fist to the air and a plethora of vices that haven't had any luck letting my filthy soul rest
I feel disconnected and a lot more stressed when I think about the times you told me how much of a ******* wreck I am and how it isn't healthy to be with someone so sad all the time
It's funny you ever said that, I mean it isn't, but I've heard that humor can cover up sadness, so I'm trying my best
I tried my best for you, I really did
I gave you everything I had and a little bit more, honestly
The amount of times I fell asleep wishing of something that would never come to me, I knew you needed me just as much as I needed you
I can't blame you though, I just wish it wouldn't have ended this way
I can only imagine waking up like none of this ever happened
Putting on my shoes to drive to your house with flowers because they were your favorite and you could never be in a bad mood when you saw them
It just *****, y'know?
It just *****, a lot
All I can do is learn and live and live and let live and never let your lips give my legs a run for their money like I used to, my god I would run around the earth for you, regardless of how broke I was; in every sense of the word
I just hope wherever you are, you're happy
I just hope wherever you are, you wake up every morning and yearn to better yourself; I know I do

*We were both the right people, we were just meeting together at the wrong time

You called, I answered
You said it's too late, that you're already too far gone and that the doctors have nothing left
Four months tops, five if we're lucky
You started to cry and I could still hear the fire in your voice spark up
You said "the reaper has his grip on me and it seems like he isn't going to let go this time. Please don't forget about me and what you promised me."
I responded with a deep breath and a muffled cry
"I'll never forget. I'll never forget."

Every time I walk by the picture of us on my shelf, I can still feel your fire burn on inside of me
It's been four whole years, and I still haven't broken that promise
I still make your favorite dinner on Tuesday nights
Spaghetti with just a little too much parmesan
You used to say that the noodles looked funny and that they needed to be extra cheesy because I was a noodle and I was always so cheesy to you, I loved that
I still go to your favorite book store on the corner, hoping to find you living on in a book somewhere
You used to love books and it seemed like they loved you just as much
Whenever you were in a bad mood you'd crawl into our bed and get lost in your own little fantasy
You used to buy a fresh bouquet of flowers every Monday afternoon
You said that flowers were beautiful and Monday's weren't, so you were doing us a favor
You used to love watching shows about aliens and UFOs, you always told me that you knew there was life outside of our own, and that they were lucky they weren't living on Earth
"We know hell as if it is our heaven" you told me
Nothing ever stuck out to me like that did

I still remember holding your broken eyes on my shoulders
I remember hearing you scream and cry at me as you clawed at your neck, trying to make me realize that you felt like someone or something was choking you
You used to tell me that they were after you
You used to grow silent and just cry and cry
I remember the night you told me you loved me
You were scared because your life was weighed down by all of your problems and you didn't want me to get discouraged; that your problems were nothing compared to me and that I seemed to be your best medicine
I didn't care
You were beautiful to me and I still loved you in that moment, just as I do right now

I hope wherever you are has spaghetti with parmesan on Tuesday nights
I hope wherever you are has so many books that it would take you the rest of eternity to read them all
I hope wherever you are has flowers on Monday afternoons
I hope wherever you are has aliens, you deserve to be with the ones you seemed to fit in the best with
I hope wherever you are seems like heaven
I hope wherever you are is safe
I hope wherever you are is away from the ones who were after you
I hope wherever you are loves you as much as I do

I hope wherever you are, you're able to look down on me and smile
I hope wherever you are, you're able to see that I still haven't broken that promise

I promised that I wouldn't let the reaper get me, and if I did, I'd fight him off
I lost you to him but he will never get me

I miss you and I can't wait to meet you again

Forever onward,
I love you

Before I knew that I could fall in love with another boy,
I had already had those feelings stolen out from underneath my feet

50 years old cold and old with a lust for blood,
and innocence,
At 16 years old there wasn’t even a whole lotta innocence left in him,
But he worked and moved in places that felt like dark alleyways,
and promises that seemed too good to be able to break,
The way his tongue slithered out from underneath the church pews,
looking to lap up whatever he seemed to have missed from his youth

I remember the first time I went to therapy,
the way that my therapist kept asking me if I was confused about my sexuality,
It shouldn’t have started like that

Wrinkly, angry, and full of adrenaline, young in the head and sick in his veins,
He liked to touch them,
He liked to hold them,
His eyes always matching theirs,
he made it perfectly clear that he’s not looking for a fight,
he’s already fighting,
and he knows he’s going to win

I’m not a religious person, but I believe the devil comes to all of us in different ways,
Sometimes beautiful and forgivable,
Other times in a black t shirt and a pair of nikes, disgustingly promising,
a place to make you feel comfortable

We let so many people use our bodies to prove their points, it’s so exhausting,
I can’t tell the difference anymore between wolves and sheep,
But I know that he’s a wolf,
And I know that no one listens to a boy who cries ****,
And the blood is always going to be there,
The alcoholic breaths taken deep into lungs that promise to carry on, are always going to be there,
The hatred and phobia of old men with mustaches and eyes that look just a little too inviting,
is always going to be there

Your Innocence is always going to be there, just don’t let anyone convince you that they can steal it from you

We are more than their torn muscles and “really, I’m a nice guy”s,
More than their “I’ve never done this before”s,
More than their “You don’t have to mention this to anyone”s,
More than what we think we deserve,
More than what love used to mean to us

We don’t have to love like that anymore,
Our bodies are new,
Not used anymore, but brand new,

We just have to teach our bones how to use the beautiful new skin that they’ve worked hard for

So to the man who taught me how to love myself,
You are nothing more than a distant memory I’ll continue to pack into the bag of luggage I carry and unload when I need to remind myself that I am more than whatever you made me think I was

I forgive you, but only because I forgive myself

"Yes, sir. Thank you for trying to teach me. Don't give up on me, Dad."

I'm not a deadbeat like your other son
That man is not my brother
He is a widow to what life offered him and he looks for his vices in alcohol and cheap women

That is not me
I am trying
My room is not my reality and I am not staying here to be afraid of everything
I am trying I am trying I am trying
My best is your worst and I just want you to understand that I'm one of the most driven people you'll ever meet

I'm not awake at 3am because the liquor and smoke is in me
I'm not gallivanting the streets with bad influences
I'm awake at 3am because my body has offered no other option
I'm not wasting the time I don't have
My imperfections don't define me

I work hard for what I want regardless of if I get it and the only advice you're pouring into my head is to "grow some" and "do something even if I don't want to"
I don't want to listen to you because I'm trying my best and I just want you to realize that I'll be strong when all is said and done

I don't need to be force fed
I work for my own food
I'm talking about the food of life
I'm talking about not letting the half empty glass get the best of me
I'm talking about wanting what's best for me
If you wanted what's best for me you'd realize I'm trying my best and your words only hurt me

These cuts are too deep for a bandaid solution
I need a neck brace to stop myself from hitting my head against my wall and a coat to keep myself warm because every time you make me feel like the worst I grow colder on the inside

I know this is hard for you to understand and you probably won't take any of this in and let it breathe inside of you because you never imagined your son would write a poem about you, especially not one like this

Trust me when I say I love you

I just want you to know I'm going places and I refuse to be held down by anything

I hope you're proud of me in the end

She said baby I can’t wait to see you coat the back of your throat with those lies,
Kisses sweet like honey,
*** like medicine,
Skin on skin therapy,
I’ll lick your wounds if you like mine,
Tears leave burn scars on the cheeks,
We set the whole world on fire and laid back wine drunk and called ourselves freaks

Our hearts, a thrift store painting, cracked frame, with inanimate intentions, little to no feeling, we just can’t wait to look good in someone else’s home some day,
Worth nothing more than a couple of pennies,
Heartbreak is seemingly dirt cheap now but I can’t wait until the day that we grow so much from it that we see it as priceless

They tell you never to hurt an artist because you’ll live in infamy but I bet that ****’ll be so beautiful once they all leave

I’m not saying I wanna her lonely,
Just happy,
I’m not saying I wanna see her hurting,
Just laughing

They take her, call her theirs, take advantage, to the point where she confuses her breathing with second guessing

I can’t wait until we meet again,
I can’t wait until we grow and I can’t wait until we meet again,
I’m a completely different person, I swear it,
I haven’t taken off your heart from my sleeve, I think at this point I’ll always wear it

Honeybee, you got all of me, and some days that might not seem to be enough, but trust me,
I’m trying

This isn’t a love poem yet, but someday I hope it will be,
Forever yours,
Always

Right now, I feel lifeless,
I feel empty,
I feel beyond,
I feel like everything and nothing are both happening at all times of the day, every day, all the time,
I am just trying my best to keep my head above the water,
"Just go with it", "It's okay", "It's nothing"
I cannot go with it, it is not okay, and you're right,
It's nothing,
I keep telling myself it's nothing until "It's nothing" is the only thought that runs through my head,
I can't leave my bed,
I haven't showered since Mother's Day,
Mother, I'm sorry,
I haven't eaten a full meal in God knows how long,
God, if you're out there, I do not curse you, but what have I done to deserve this,
What have any of us done to deserve this,
The feeling of rather wanting to be dead than alive in and of itself is a tragedy,
I haven't felt human in a long time and tragically, I wouldn't care much if I just stopped breathing

Keep me close, keep me close, keep my head above water,
I need to hear your voice,
I can't do this on my own

Just keep breathing,
Just keep breathing,
Just keep breathing

It's your turn, let me light another cigarette before you give me a third flush, I'll need another shot of whiskey if I'm gonna let you keep cheating me,
He said, "Alright boy, enough is enough. When are you gonna let me take you?" I told him "Soon."

I've done drugs in the past, burn so good, gone too fast,
Happiness never lasts,
Just a splash,
Up and down and up and down I'm getting whiplash,
Dug deep into the ground,
Pulled up flowers with a frown,
Beauty is a disaster, this world is on fire, I'll always let myself down,
Drunken stupor through the city,
Bleeding wreckless, broken teeth, my lungs are brown,
I will let myself drown

I AM CASANOVA TO THESE ANGELS,
I AM WRECKLESS IN MY INTENTIONS,
THE GOOD DIE YOUNG AND THE BAD WILL LIVE FOREVER,
TO THE END OF MY ROPE, I WILL SUFFER

To the ends of the earth, I will take her,
And I will ruin everything good in her, yet I do not want to,
I have not chosen to be like this,
The shadows wreak of liquor and depression,
And they will follow me home every single night,
And they will fall into bed with me,
And they will tell me everything I need to hear

Whisper sweet nothings into my ears,
TELL ME WHAT YOUR WORST FEARS ARE, I BET THEY LOOK A LOT LIKE MINE,
TELL ME WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO NOT BE ABLE TO FALL ASLEEP SOME NIGHTS

I am lucid,
Lasting,
Plastic and carefree,
Nothing but smoke and mirrors to the ones who are after me,
I gave my hand to the him,
He said "Walk with me. I'll show you everything."

I find myself going 95 on the interstate,
I find myself weaving in and out and in and out of traffic,
I find myself feeling almost as untouchable as I felt when I was with you -- almost

Untouchable,
I always loved the way you made me feel untouchable,
You always loved the way he made you feel touchable,
For the first time in a long time there was a man in your life who wouldn't hesitate to be everything you needed,
The sad part is that you thought you needed him,
The man, the one three times your age, who made you feel worth something, the man who gave you feeling,
The one who abused you for years, making you feel touchable all over the place,
Is not a man at all, I promise,
We don't call animals like that men

You were a beautifully broken masterpiece and all I did when trying to pick up your pieces was cut myself,
The taste of my blood was never as bitter as the cheap wine you snuck from your father's fridge,
Thinking maybe if you got drunk enough, you wouldn't hear the voices or feel them coming for your neck,
Thinking maybe, just maybe, the alcohol would fill your bloodstream so full that you would fall asleep and never wake up again, because every morning when you woke up, you saw him,
You woke up with his arms and hands all over you, and he wouldn't let go

For months you crawled over and under my skin, picking at each scrape and scar, trying to find a reason why everything was the way that it was, but you never found it

Much like our love, you never found it,
Like your head, you never found it,
Like them, you never found them,
Like me, you never found me, even though I was looking right at you the entire time

Like them, they'll find me in an explosion of fire, flipping my car down the interstate, weaving in and out and in and out of traffic, taking everyone and everything down with me

The feeling of a rush I used to get just by waiting to pick you up from your house, to the crash I feel when I'm coming down in my room,
The difference between **** and you is that when I breathe the smoke in, it hurts a hell of a lot less than your carbon dioxide ever did

You took everyone and everything down with you,
You taught me to do the same, I learned this all from you

For the first time in a long time, I do not miss you

Another sunrise
And another sleepless night
I continue to rot from the ground up
This is so surreal
This is so new
The old crustiness of exhaustion and desperation hold my body by a shock collar
And I am not sure what not feeling electricity course through my veins at all times feels like
I am nothing besides a broken insomniac with a twisted god complex
I am finally starting to realize the difference between knowing it all and wanting to know it all
I don't know why our souls leave our bodies when we die
But I do know that the sunrise is a new
And I could really, really use one of those

Accept me, I long to be validated
Restless pick me up
Carry me and all of my faults
******, it's 4am again
I guess I'll light another
I guess I'll keep driving
You would be so proud of me
Please take me in
I am doing this all for you

This is where it all ******* goes
This is what no one ever wanted to know
No one ever knows, not even a bit
I drop my bombs where I see fit

I took Medusa out to dinner
And she loved it
The only thing she turned stone was my restless soul and I thank her every **** day for it

I am not crying, you are crying
The smoke will continue to billow out
My body will continue to hollow out

Restart
Reinvent
Inhale
Exhale
These clouds will clear up
I will finally keep my chin up
I will no longer be drowning inside of you
I am simply on your surface
And my god, your sky is so bright
Your birds are chirping so loudly
This is why I am here
This is why I am here

I am in this, with or without you

I may not be able to leave, but I will enjoy my stay

I didn't have breakfast that morning,
I was going to be late for class and I ran out of gas, so I figured I'd take the bus instead, I've never been a rich man, and what money I do get, I spend it on cigarettes and flowers for a love that doesn't even exist

Sweaty and tired, just like I spend every morning, I finally get to class only to find out it's been cancelled, typical,
I scrounge around my pockets and book bag to find some change to get a snack, I didn't eat last night either,
A woman next to me saw me staring and she offered to give me some change, but she walked away before I could get a name,
Hearing my stomach growl I quickly stick the money in the machine and wait for the energy bar to fall down, but it doesn't, it gets stuck, and I'm left there just staring at it, and thinking about it for a while, how upsetting it is to realize that this is what happens every time

See, it's funny because this **** happens all the time,
They always come along to save me and offer me some kind of change, and foolish, I fall for it, hoping maybe this time it'll be different, but it never is,
They always leave before I seem to even get their name, and they leave me with something that I just end up getting stuck on in the end, and it drives me crazy until I can't stand it anymore,
It's so fake, everything is so fake,
The glass is so transparent and it really makes me think that I won't fall for any of it anymore, but it never fails,
Like, this time will be different,
I know exactly who you are, and I know exactly what I'm getting myself into, but I'm always proven wrong,
Or you always stop halfway through it all and just seem to leave me hanging, literally, like a snack stuck in a vending machine

So I walk back to the bus stop that morning, tired, and hungry, and just wanting to be back home,
I know it's just an energy bar, and I know what happened isn't really that big of a deal, but like every other morning, I could've really used the energy

I mean maybe it's good I didn't get the energy, I'm too tired now of this happening over and over to give any of it any of my energy anymore, so I digress

Love will keep offering me change to get some energy out of a vending machine, and maybe one morning I'll finally get it

Embrace it,
This is one of our realest moments

Light that cigarette,
Pick up that pen,
Feel livid

You are a burning star in this universe and you deserve to make your presence known
You are dying, but this is such a comfortable way to die

Embrace it, throw your fists up, throw your punches
This is the epitome of the true American spirit,
This is the revolution of everything you have come to know and love,
You are burning down and you are ******* breathtaking

MAKE YOUR PRESENCE KNOWN

Make them laugh and cry and cheer and beg,
Make them understand what it's like to feel all of this

Imagine the first time there was dirt thrown on your family name,
Spark up and fight,
Make it known that your soul is burning and screaming

YOU ARE NOT WEAK
YOU WILL NOT PERISH

Walk through the fire and come out singed with anger and frustration,
At least you are alive

Reach out to those around you and breathe in a breath of fresh air,
Reach up and let the heavens resuscitate you,
and then walk through the fire once more

You are a burning star and the Earth deserves to feel your frustration

*******
Agitated
Broken
Beaten
******
Ridiculous

The bandages have been ripped off whether I like it or not and it's up to me if I want to either watch myself bleed and cry about it or watch myself bleed and let it all flush itself out

Beginning after beginning, I keep creating fresh canvases only to ruin them with paint that won't ever wash out
Soil and soil and soil, it's all I'm ever used to
The feeling of pain and the price of pleasure are both two very similar lines that my body has never hesitated to cross

And my god, I am exhilarated

Jump on me like a trampoline and I swear to god I'll throw you off like a raging hurricane that's upset that we humans are ruining our planet's oceans without a second thought
My rib cage feels like it's been thrown against a brick wall and kicked relentlessly for hours
My mind is as hazy as the endless cigarette smoke you make me fill my lungs with
My inner being is at war with the outside world and I have a feeling that this is only the beginning

As I button down the hatches and hope for the best
I know that solitude will never make its way to me
I have to fight and fight and fight and never stop until I see it in my sights

I heard that if you want to make a living in this life, it's best to get your heart broken as many times as you can
That maybe if your heart bleeds just a little bit more each time, it will scar over and never stop becoming stronger
It puts hair on your chest and fire in your eyes and you deserve at least that much

This is a ******* war path and my struggles are wrapping themselves in knots at every twist and turn
But this is what I am here for, believe me when I tell you this
The tears in my eyes and the pain in my stomach are filling me up with rage that only the heavens will understand

This is no longer just a battle, it is war now
I am no longer just a soldier, I am a commander now
If there is anyone that could possibly take control and fight the good fight, it is I
If there is anyone that could possibly understand what is happening, it is I
If there is anyone willing enough to bleed until everything has bled out, it is I

I am a mess, but at least I am feeling
I am a mess, but at least one of these days this will all be over and I will finally be free

A wolf in sheep skin,
Depression's kingpin,
Lost in addiction, so spiraling it makes my ******* head spin,
Cigarettes and gin, a beautiful girl lost in a lover's world, the process over and over again

A smooth slick ******* who doesn't give a **** about heartbreak,
A cold and lonely evening, a real earth shaker,
Heartbreaker,
Hymn chanting, shot chasing, sadness cannibal,
A glass half full,
Or half empty

4am again,
Is this pack half full or half empty,
Never see, never see, Neverland, the promised land, watch it bleed,
****** river, ****** knuckles, broken teeth, a golden rose sprouting from a blackened soil, see

"You lost me"

Cut up and sewn together, mix matched with a crying messiah,
Flown up then crashed down,
Teared up with tears rolling down,
Smack the frown off of my face and leave me sunny side up over easy, pepper dripping, salt throwing, ******* train wreck of a human being,
It's never been easier, trust me,
Keep myself awake for a few days straight then rip my guts out until I convince myself that all of my problems can be fixed just by sleeping

Stormy weather with the windows open,
Sunny weather with the blinds all pulled shut,
Wish I could find a way to just not give a ****

You're pessimistic, pacify her, burn her up in holy fire, drown yourself in holy water,
Forgive the angels for your daughters,
Poetic slaughters, words ripping through all of us,
I'll give a lot but I won't give up,
I'll stay up until the sun's up but I won't cry anymore than I have to

Sometimes it's like that,
Sometimes it's easier to fight back,
Throwing punches until the lights are out,
Blacked out until the stars come out,
A kaleidoscope of misfortune,
Prescriptions on prescriptions,
Haven't peaked yet but I know I'm worth a fortune,
Frowny faces I'm drowning tasteless,
Not sweet enough for any of your senses but too bitter to take any chances

Sometimes it's like that

Better gear up for the long fight,
Hasn't come yet but I'll hold tight,
I'm here to take it all and put it into a different light, see

War never changes,
And neither will I

Lace up,
Mask up,
Speak up,
It is now or never,
I am not yours and you are not mine,
The sky is for the taking and the ground is for the shaking,
We ride until dawn and we take it all without stopping,
I take the thoughts hostage and I'll be ****** if I ever let them go without some kind of revenge,
I'm a sickened ******* madman with nothing to lose and one by one I'll rip off all of the bandages,
I'll let the blood spill and pool into puddles on the cement and I'll step through every single one of them without giving a ****, and that's a promise

The war is hardly over, in fact it's just beginning and I fear we've only seen the half of it, we've only scratched the surface,
Brothers, hold your sisters,
Fathers, love our mothers,
We don't have much time, but we do have the fire

I'm going to set the whole ******* world on fire,
Not even your god can stop us,
I'm going so fast, not even the rails can hold us,
Tie me down and watch me suffer, I love it like this,
I'll break my own heart, I don't need your help with it,
I'll spit in the reaper's face and dare him to take me, we all know he wouldn't do a ******* thing about it or else we'd be gone, a dead rose blinking,
Thinking ruins everything and by that I mean I'll never stop thinking,
I'll never stop the swinging, I'll never come clean and by that I mean I'll never stop wreaking

I've fallen head over heals for the daughter of happiness,
She does that thing with her lips that gets us all heated,
I'm talking about sadness, the mistress of the century,
We are more broken now than ever and I ******* live for this,
Without it I am nothing,
I guess you could call it a problem but I'm problematic so what's the difference

I know you love me but I'm not in a position to reciprocate and I'm sorry for that but there's just a lot happening,
A broken jar without someone to pickup the pieces,
A research paper written about love but I can't even finish the ******* thesis

Everything is ***** and everything is muddy but I can't be beaten,
I've been drowning for a while now because I don't want to look for a beacon

I love it like this, trust me, it doesn't seem like it but I have my reasons

I'm sorry until I'm not and I'll fight until it stops, I'm a mess and I'm leaking, this war will last through every season

And at the end of it, I will be the only one standing

Yeah, I can tell you I’ve been finding my intimacy inside of someone else’s skin,
I’ve been avoiding contact with my own garden,
I’m too scared to come back, I don’t know what the flowers will say when they see me, and I’m too afraid that I won’t have enough water for all of them, I don’t want to see them like that,
Dried up and dying, but I guess we all get to that point

My organs have been feeling like empty warehouses with dust and lack of emotional labor,
It’s really ***** around here, and I don’t have enough in me to hire someone to help,
And I don’t have enough in me to fix everything that’s wrong inside of them,
I’ve been hoping that maybe if I leave them empty long enough, I’ll finally get the chance to bulldoze what little is left after it’s all rotted away and grown over with weeds,
And the cracks in my body’s sidewalks will grow thorns too thick to walk through

My angels gave me fertilizer but I’ve been too busy using it on the community gardens,
What I would sacrifice to see everyone else grow

I am living the death of every empty sad warehouse in every town in every city in every country of my body, and I am scared that I won’t know how to rebuild once it all crumbles back into the grounds from which it all came

Instead, I’ll crawl the surface of my body, getting cuts and scrapes from everything that’s become broken, just like that two headed boy back in ‘98,
and I’ll sing my hallelujahs into the open wounds like my magic could possibly heal something that no longer has potential

But it’s all a beautiful kind of war,
Where the guns and anger unlearn dead and relearn life,
Where the bullets are poppyseeds,
And the whole battlefield is lit up with a happy kind of high,
A feel good kind of resolution,
And the blood shed on my body’s soil is like water in the stems of all of the flowers killed by everything that has collapsed and fallen in on them

And when the horses come running, when the bells come ringing, when the soldiers return home,
They will begin anew, and every warehouse in every town in every city in every country in my body will have lights in their windows for the first time in years

I wake up every morning at 3pm,
Brush my teeth eventually,
Get dressed most days, but mostly it’s only a probably,
Shower myself like a good boy,
Clean boy, wash away the ugly,
Turn my tv onto white noise,
Drink down the sorrow and,
***** the bad thoughts into piles of poetry,
Finally sit down at my dinner table at 5pm for breakfast,
I pour myself a bowl of Rice Krispies, refuse to eat it, I’m starving,
I’m all snap and crackle but no pop,
I’m all talk but no bite,
My head’s been telling me to **** myself a lot lately and y’know what, I just might

Put some pants on, my favorite t shirt,
Black on black, I’m not a priest, it’s only a uniform,
Yet I treat myself like God,
Forgiving everyone and everything until apologizing becomes null and when I don’t have any sympathy left I steal daddy’s cigarettes, aim for the palm and burn holes,
A deadbeat Jesus, happiest at my dirtiest and insufferable at my cleanest

This loneliness will crucify me and I’ll let it,
Let it breathe and become home,
I’m writing this with sweat and blood and when I’m done it’ll hurt so bad, it’ll probably feel like I’ve broken a couple bones

I don’t remember when these words started to feel like guns but if I don’t use this sadness as ammunition then I’m going to die cold and alone

We are born inside of war and don’t question it until we die and when we die we realize if not for sadness, there’d be no point in being alive

Barrel to the sky,
Shoot it until it cries,
And let it bleed until it dries,
And when it dries,

Rip it back open, you’re gonna need it,

It’s gonna be a long night

Pass the time
Pass the time
Pass the time

Think of what is not killing you
Let it seep into your skin and let it fill your lungs

Crack your brittle knuckles and pop your achey joints
This is only the beginning
Tie a noose around a tree and let the branch break, just to let yourself know that nature is keeping you alive for a reason

Now think of what is killing you
Let it fill and spill over and under your thoughts
Let it whisper soft meaningless nothings into your ears
Flirt with the idea of crushing a caterpillar just before it blossoms into a butterfly
Let yourself realize that there is beauty in the innocent
Learn that corruption is at every street corner, just begging and pleading for your attention

Pass the time
Pass the time
Pass the time

Give yourself to the wrongdoers
Let your blood bleed dark red onto your favorite t-shirt
Feel knowledgeable and learn consistently
Walk gracefully and fight viciously

There is no bliss in ignorance, just like there is no good in evil
Time is as valuable as diamond
Do not shied yourself from its shine and do not hide in its shadow

When the next opportunity comes, do not pass it
Do not pass the time and do not let it escape you
Breathe in air and exhale fire
Watch the clock like it is your favorite movie, it may just surprise you

Sanctuary,
I will get to you someday
I will feel you in some way,
I can feel this, at least it's something,
They have the guts to scream but never know the words to say,
The ones who got in but couldn't wait to get away,
The girl from down the street who always smiled your way,
The euphoric atmosphere that your worst nightmares made clear as day,
I always knew it, I just never knew exactly what to say

This is a morning when I step into the streets and fall in love aimlessly, hoping to somehow, some way fix myself using someone else,
A morning that's too brisk to not wear a jacket, but too hot to not break into a sweat,
A morning where each drag of a cigarette hurts my throat, but takes my mind off of my upset stomach,
I'm spiraling, but I'm taking others down with me, even when I don't want to

I'm sorry,
I'm just tired,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry

The leaves blowing up and down the road are almost as restless as my mind is when I try to wrap my head around why you left,
Maybe I can fill the void with someone else, and maybe when I stop talking to them for no real reason, they will go on to do the same,
I don't mean for this to happen, but I fear that it's inevitable,
I don't know how to fix myself,
It's like I'm trying to fix something that was never really broken to begin with,
I hope now you understand what it's like to deal with this

I'm not truly sorry, but I'm going to keep apologizing because nothing else that I could possibly say sounds better

I just never know exactly what to say

Everything is so bright but also bleak,
I just never know exactly what to say,
I want to get away from here,
I just never know exactly what to say,
Please,
I just never know exactly what to say,
Help,
I just never know exactly what to say,
Me

This hurts like hell, I just never know exactly what to say

Sugar, sugar
Take me away
Sail me on your stream
Find me in my dreams

Sprint through my veins
Show me what it feels like to not know pain
On again, off again
I lose what I gain

You are a cloud and I am the rain on the riverbank
Watch me flow in waves as I claw and scratch like a fiend
Nothing is as it seems
I swear to god I am just living in a dream

However it is so tough to care when I am floating in this shipwreck
My body is but a vessel being carried by the loveless
It punches me and kicks me and stings me like a wasp's nest
I will wear this crown of thorns you call my regrets
And I will cheer and cheer until my vocal chords snap

We are living the best we can
So on and so forth we follow
These words are tough to swallow
But I wallow and I wallow and I do not dare to call you

Sadness greets a familiar face with a "Hello, nice to see you"
and with this I retreat

*The river and the clouds
of the white sugar sweets