We get it while we can
If sunrises and exhaustion have taught me anything, it's that we need take risks when they present themselves, and that we need not miss chances when they are given to us, we are infinite

A raging river sharing its company with those who need to get everything off of their chests, cigarettes to mask the inner conflict of it all, good friends and good literature, we are infinite

Broken hearts mended by perfect symmetry, hands shaking with the uneasy excitement of what to expect next
The moon kisses us by showing us the stars on a breezy night, missed flights to god only knows where, the answers written on the arms and legs of the ones who find faith in everything, we are infinite

Riding home with your comrade, thanking the sky for sharing its beauty of a breathtaking sunrise, promising that everything can be okay again, and that everything isn't always bad all the time

If nothing else, this alone is worth living for
We will go where the road takes us, and we will find peace in the destruction of everything around us
When everything else is hell, this, right here, right now, is heaven

We are infinite

Dripping in adolescence,
Breaking ourselves to get a gist of what putting ourselves back together has the power to feel like,
Late nights spent making horrible decisions to wake up in the morning and recover what little energy we have left,

It is not me, it is you
It is not we, it is us

Surrounded by hot sweaty bodies collecting cold sweat in jars so we have something to hydrate our obsession with confidence with,
Feeding off positive energy to form some sort of understanding of what pessimism takes to the battlefield every day,
In every way, this is everything we tell ourselves not to get into, yet do anyway,

Giving ourselves to the wrongdoers to see how much of a tolerance we have built up,
Searching the cracks of innocent bodies trying to find the answer to all of the promises broken on us,
Coming up with excuses so we don't have to apologize for being the lesser man,
Ruining our shoes by walking on the mud of teenage heartbreak,
Driving as far away as possible and hoping that our problems won't catch up to us,

We are dangerous, but we wouldn't change a ******* thing
We are always late, but we wouldn't miss any of this for the world
Broken, but not recovering because we love the feeling of knowing we still have the strength to help ourselves if we have to,

We are finding space where there is none,
We are loud when it is all silent,
We are never ending where the ends meet,
Lost in the static of this electrifying atmosphere we call our youth,

Look how high we're jumping from

Not dying, but getting there,
We wouldn't change a thing,
We are loving every minute of it

Spinning, restless, contagious
Let me under your skin
I can feel myself coming for your throat with a raised fist to the air and a plethora of vices that haven't had any luck letting my filthy soul rest
I feel disconnected and a lot more stressed when I think about the times you told me how much of a ******* wreck I am and how it isn't healthy to be with someone so sad all the time
It's funny you ever said that, I mean it isn't, but I've heard that humor can cover up sadness, so I'm trying my best
I tried my best for you, I really did
I gave you everything I had and a little bit more, honestly
The amount of times I fell asleep wishing of something that would never come to me, I knew you needed me just as much as I needed you
I can't blame you though, I just wish it wouldn't have ended this way
I can only imagine waking up like none of this ever happened
Putting on my shoes to drive to your house with flowers because they were your favorite and you could never be in a bad mood when you saw them
It just *****, y'know?
It just *****, a lot
All I can do is learn and live and live and let live and never let your lips give my legs a run for their money like I used to, my god I would run around the earth for you, regardless of how broke I was; in every sense of the word
I just hope wherever you are, you're happy
I just hope wherever you are, you wake up every morning and yearn to better yourself; I know I do

*We were both the right people, we were just meeting together at the wrong time

Think hard, think often
Don't make me sad, just make me try
Don't make me cry, just make me catch my breath
A sorry sinner is nothing but a disappointment to a praying priest, regardless of how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise

The dog days of summer draw heat from the burning sunflowers putting forth freakishly light fragments of a long gone but not forgotten dark alley way in the back of a decomposing poet's mind
Thought of a thousand times, but not remembered nearly as often as it should be
From whiskey saturated journal pages in the back of a city bus to a bouquet of roses delivered from lovers to their others, heartbreak is a beautifully tragic masterpiece that deserves the utmost respect even when being respectful is the last thing you want to be

Trust me, living is truly not believing until you've lived to tell about your beliefs without a crack in your voice
If I put this pen down, I will never get the strength to pick it back up again
If there is beauty in floating up, there is beauty in crashing back down
I just hope my forgetfulness never reminds me of the time I felt whole, I may never get the chance to write again
But my god, what I would give to not feel everything crumbling down all at once

I would die a thousand times if I were promised that emotions and feelings were never ending, I wish to feel everything all at once all the time; it gives me reassurance that I am alive
I wish to live forever
I wish to suffer
I do not love it, however I do need it
I want to feel until I no longer can feel at all
Let it be known that I will live forever in these writings
I have said all that I need to say
And when I am laying in my death bed, I will shout, "Last words are for fools who haven't said enough"

I spend my nights bleeding out intoxicated poetry written under candlelight and screaming vinyl, spinning a web of loose ends trying my hardest to tie them together
I couldn't stop loving you even if I hated everything about you
I couldn't stop hating you even if I loved everything about you
I am picked up by my feet and dangled over an open fire that blacks out all of the thoughts in my exhausted head
The thoughts that are too heavy to handle even on my best days
Bright highway signs welcome me as I look for an escape, if I drive far enough to get away, maybe it will be written in my blood
My canvases painted ferociously to imagine a world more vivid than this one, maybe if I keep painting what I'm feeling, I'll be able to feel something instead of trying to accept the fact that I've grown numb to everyone and everything around me
I spend a lot of my time writing all of this out on my bedroom floor
Sometimes it's better to lay on the floor because a lot of the time nothing is as solid as the ground, it adds stability when nothing else is as stable as I'd like it to be

I deserve to be miserable
I deserve to be miserable
I deserve to be mi--

Tears won't get me where I need to be
Bandages won't stop the bleeding
My skin is itching with broken promises and unfinished words
As hard as I am on myself for the things I have no control over, you'd think that I would be used to this by now, yet here I am, lit cigarette in hand, the shaking getting worse when I try to speak
My sleepless nights are finally catching up to me
My mother notices on a daily basis and all she knows how to do is pray for me, I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry that I don't know how to cope with this, or anything for that matter
I'm having dreams that seem more real than real life, I'm becoming more and more disassociated by the minute, I can't help myself, I'm a ******* trainwreck

Everything is happening all at once and it won't stop even if it were asked to

It's the doubt in my mind that creates a silhouette of confidence to portray to those around me, this kid's got his **** together
I am not a writer because I want to be
It's the thoughts that crowd my head, all I know how to do with them is write them down because if I don't find the time to drain myself of the negativity, the demons it brings will build a home in my head and they'd never leave
I promised myself I'd stop, but I've never kept a promise, I don't know how

I don't know much

All I know is that everything is happening all at once and it won't stop even if it were asked to

A sadistic sickened scatter brain is something I consider myself to be
Not in the over emotional attention seeking teenager kind of way, more in the overthinking pain seeker, seeking love and affection where I know I'll get hurt
It isn't much of wanting to get hurt, it's more like wanting to be with someone so badly that you don't care how badly you're getting hurt because of it, someone who over analyzes how to get someone else to fall in love with them, forgetting to care about themselves and only caring about the person they want so badly to be in love with

It really shouldn't be hard, it should be easy
I know I don't ever shut the **** up about you, but I can't help myself
As much as I hate this, I can't stop
You're everything I want
Really you aren't, I really don't know what it is about you
Maybe it's your recklessness and how badly I wish I didn't care about everything like you don't
You pull off danger in the most seductive way, always on some **** that I've never heard of, and I ache so badly to have you
You're a ******* car crash and let me be the first to tell you that I'd die for a rush like you

You live on the edge and I'm stuck in my safe place
I'm finally coming to the realization that being in my safe place is good for me
You're just so enticing, I'd do anything to get a taste
Maybe it's the lust that's trying to convince me that this isn't love
Maybe this is love and we're just too young
You keep coming into my life and I can't tell if I should appreciate it or hate it
Either way, I don't know what I'd do without it
I don't know what I'd do without you

It ***** to be so attached to someone that doesn't even really know you're in love with them
It's been five years and your face was and still is the only face that could make my heart flutter with a simple glance
I just wish I knew what was holding me back
I don't know if it's a sign, that I should keep away, that you're a mistake
Or if it's just my head holding me back because of the ones who came into my life and rocked my world so badly that I don't have the ability to trust anything or anyone anymore
I don't know if the ones who ruined me were there to make me realize that you're my diamond in the rough, or if they taught me to stay away from bad feelings like this one

I know I should talk to you, but instead, here's another poem documenting the breaking of my heart
Maybe that's why I'm so self loathing
If I hurt myself, no one else has the chance to

You don't even need to break my heart, I'm doing it myself

I'm growing my hair out because it's the only thing that tends to stick around with me
I keep tugging and pulling at it even though I know I shouldn't because eventually it will all fall out, just like your love did for me
We fed off of our negative energies, my toxicity and your lack of understanding
We were bound to end up broken eventually, I just wish it wouldn't have happened this soon, I wasn't ready
I'm just a child too immature to handle everything around me, I know I need to change, but I'm too caught behind my stubbornness to evolve from something like this
It's affecting those around me, but I don't care
It's starting fires and I'm not even trying to put them out
I'm a disgusting ******* and I don't want to do anything to help myself
I'm just going to continue to bury my feelings and emotions into the hearts of the ones who seem to care the most about me, hoping they put up with me long enough for me to grow up and realize what I'm doing is sickening; maybe I'll change then
But until that happens, I'll continue to cry and mope about everything that makes me upset, even if it isn't worth it, even if it's hurting the ones around me, even if I know I'm doing wrong

I AM THE VICTIM IN THIS, I AM DOING NOTHING WRONG

--

Man, shut the **** up
You're so stuck behind your ego that you can't even see straight
Stop ruining the innocence of forgiving hearts
You know you're going to hurt them in the end, so why do you keep going?
Why do you refuse to come to terms with yourself and realize you can benefit from your disasters instead of maturing a little bit and facing them like you preach so much about
If only you understood how genuine of a person you have the potential to be, but you're too busy trying to avoid your problems to care about any of them
I just hope you know this will tear you down if you don't stop it
The ones you think love you will turn their backs on you for this
Stop acting like a child and man up and stop blaming everyone but yourself
You know you're in the wrong, start acting like it, it's all we ask
We love you and we want to see you prosper, but this won't end well if you keep acting this way

Love isn't a blame game and you aren't the victim of anything

These poems will fall in love with you, just as you have fallen in love with them

I'm dripping with anticipation as you're melting in desperation
Let the commotion of new age religion stir up a revival in all of the children's souls
The priest and priestess smoke cigarettes while listening to Brand New and yearn for a gospel that preaches about anything other than dipping our fingers in gold and making our bodies shimmer with yellow and orange love
We are doing this for ourselves and no one else, not our mothers and fathers, not our sisters or brothers, and definitely not for a holy control freak
Here, the angels wear cut offs and spread the word of sin
Here, we rip the pages out of books and use them to roll our drugs in
Here, sunglasses cover the homicidal looks shared between ex lovers as well as the holy matrimony we are all too scared about to act on

The coastline is quiet while the citizens quietly lose control
Bricks shattering windowpanes
And moonlit dances on the riverbank
If we weren't too far gone yet, we most definitely are now
But it's okay, misery finds company wherever the wind chooses to blow it

If the devil himself ever had to chose between what's wrong and right,
Nothing would ever make sense in our eyes
If the devil himself ever smiled,
Would we portray it as something good or as something bad?
If our hearts continuously broke,
Would we question what we did, or would we question what we will do about it?

I want to be a martyr
I want to be a ***** poet
I want to dig deep into the depths of every crack and crevice this life has to offer and start fist fights with everyone I come in contact with
I want to spill my blood in the name of literature
I want to listen to the hymns of the ****** whilst running my fingers through my greasy hair and finishing off my third pack of cigarettes
I want to drink yellow paint
I want to eat every flower I see
I want to be as ******* as possible when I die, that way my blaze of glory will be everlasting

This is my hallelujah to the ones that got away
My veins constantly ache for a savior
Fill my lungs with cement and fill my head with water, that way I can feel the weight of every breath and feel every problem swimming around in my head

When you get done reading this gospel, set it on fire and inhale the smoke, you will get higher than the sky
Feel the charcoal burn your eyes and clear your vision
It has all come down to this and this only
Do not let those around you discourage you
This is what we have all been waiting for

Take this into the streets and preach until you can't anymore, and when the sun goes down, don't let the ghosts take you

You only tell me you love me when your words are slurred and your breath smells like liquor
I could really use it though, I haven't been loved in forever
I need one more taste and one more flame to spark the iron in my bones

Even with my eyes open, fever dreams will find their way
I can feel you with my eyes closed, laying in your tangles
This isn't what I meant when I told you I wanted more
I was asking for novocaine; something to numb everything around me
What I got were feelings that tore me apart, those feelings never even laid a finger on you
I wish I never laid a finger on you

You're never around unless it's convenient
I'm never around because I can't seem to find my confidence
I just want some kind of closure, some kind of answer
You come and go and I can't tell if I want to tie a rope around you and go into the storm with you or if I'm better off cutting the strings

I know you're everything that's bad for me but
I've been so good recently, maybe I need to decay a little
A little sip or a small puff, all in the name of love
Because love is disgusting and twisted and drunk and misleading and--
No, this isn't love

This is a broken person trying to mend by finding comfort in discomfort
A broken person hoping to find somewhere else that's more uncomfortable than their skin, somewhere that they feel they would fit in well enough to convince themselves that their soul isn't too ***** to be cleansed

I sold myself to you and now there's no going back
You destroyed the receipt with good intentions but bad situations
I know we both want this but I really don't think we're doing this right, or at least I'm not
Maybe you don't really want this, I mean, you say you do, but I always had a bad feeling about honesty this deep
I laid it all out for you with a heart you could keep
But you're hiding it away from everyone else and not letting anyone see
I just don't know about you
No, I know everything about you, my mind just has a way of putting things that makes everything seem ugly

I'm sorry about this
I'm sorry about me
I don't want you to feel this feeling
You need what's best for you and I can't help but tell myself I'm not what you're looking for
I can't help but tell myself I don't need help

Please help me
I want you but not myself
I'll try my best I swear, as long as you let me kiss your neck and play with your hair

*TO THE ONE I ADORE, FOREVER AND EVERMORE

To the children who only find solace in ****** knuckles and broken toes
The pill is a hard one to swallow, especially if you're swallowing an entire bottle of them
It takes the earth 365 days to orbit the sun but it only takes you one second to love yourself if you try hard enough

Your friends and your family love you more than this, trust me
Your problems are insignificant above everything else and I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm preaching as I'm saying all of this
Just take it from another who had the same mindset
You will find peace in suffering just like you have found peace in past happiness
Be grateful that you have a heart to feel everything that happens to you, just please don't convince yourself that you would take being dead over trying to make something of your ruins
With disaster comes beauty and we are all disasters doing our best to become beautiful once more, we will get there one day if we work hard enough

To the ashes of half smoked cigarettes and to the ashes of broken relationships
Fire will burn down anything if you let it consume you enough
I am so sorry you are suffering
I am so sorry you are feeling this way
But the end of the rope or the tip of a bullet has not a ******* thing on what your life will give you
It may seem like hell now but heaven is just over the hill and if the view of rainbows and the sound of chirping birds won't convince you that there is a calm after the storm, you will never experience the calm before it

No, it isn't easy
But it isn't hard
Give yourself to your angels and let go of your demons, this is not their battle to fight

DO NOT LET YOURSELF SLIP
YOU ARE RESISTANT AND YOU ARE EVERLASTING
YOU HAVE NOT BEEN STOPPED YET, THEREFORE YOU WILL NOT BE STOPPED AT ALL

Therapy isn't pretty and neither is sadness, but the dirt must be dug up before the flowers can be planted
You aren't crazy for thinking about what you think about, please never forget that
It isn't about maintaining normal thoughts, it's about letting it all out
If we never let anything out, we'd explode, and it's better to bleed than to ignore being hurt
It's best to let your wounds bleed and heal than to let your bandaids become ***** and infected

I'd rather send a get well card than a funeral invitation
I'd rather see you in a hospital bed than a casket
I'd rather say, "We will get through this together. I love you so much. This fight isn't over." than say, "He was such a strong person. I'll never forget him."

What I'm trying to make you understand is that life will throw you into vines and thorns and leave you out of breath and cut to shreds, but the sunlight isn't just a dream and happiness isn't just a figment of your imagination
Things will become problematic and ugly, but muscles must be torn apart and bruised to grow back stronger

Build a bridge between your sadness and your happiness, and as you cross it, admire it all
It's all here for a reason, just like you are

Do whatever it takes, but whatever you do, just do not give up

I'm writing about you and I know I shouldn't
The only reason I'm trying hard is because I can't decide if being with you or not being with you will save me the heartbreak
I don't know which one would break my heart more; being with you, or not being with you
You're here for a reason but I'm a ******* mess, so spell it out for me so I won't have to myself

I a m s o r r y

I am not sorry, I am a disaster
I am however sorry about this mess

I a m s o r r y

I know I shouldn't be writing about you
I know I shouldn't have held your hand
I know I shouldn't have kissed you
I know I shouldn't have made love to you
I know I shouldn't be writing about you
I know I shouldn't have told you all of that
I know I shouldn't have smoked so much
I know I shouldn't have drank too much

A madman will cope the best he knows how
I am the maddest man and I do not know how to cope
Maybe that's my problem
Maybe you're my problem
Maybe I'm insane
Maybe I'm perfectly okay and this is just my grieving process
We all die eventually but I'm dying sooner rather than later because of you but my god I would die for you a thousand times
I don't know what I'm rambling on about
I don't know what you're all about
I do know what I'm all about, you
What's driving me crazy, you
What's tearing me apart, you
You may not know this, and this is my fault
The only solution I'm looking for is innocence but I'm not innocent in the least and heaven knows you're not
I know we'll end up together eventually and that's what keeps me going
Or maybe that's just what I keep telling myself because I know I'm too fragile for you

I'm sorry

You called, I answered
You said it's too late, that you're already too far gone and that the doctors have nothing left
Four months tops, five if we're lucky
You started to cry and I could still hear the fire in your voice spark up
You said "the reaper has his grip on me and it seems like he isn't going to let go this time. Please don't forget about me and what you promised me."
I responded with a deep breath and a muffled cry
"I'll never forget. I'll never forget."

Every time I walk by the picture of us on my shelf, I can still feel your fire burn on inside of me
It's been four whole years, and I still haven't broken that promise
I still make your favorite dinner on Tuesday nights
Spaghetti with just a little too much parmesan
You used to say that the noodles looked funny and that they needed to be extra cheesy because I was a noodle and I was always so cheesy to you, I loved that
I still go to your favorite book store on the corner, hoping to find you living on in a book somewhere
You used to love books and it seemed like they loved you just as much
Whenever you were in a bad mood you'd crawl into our bed and get lost in your own little fantasy
You used to buy a fresh bouquet of flowers every Monday afternoon
You said that flowers were beautiful and Monday's weren't, so you were doing us a favor
You used to love watching shows about aliens and UFOs, you always told me that you knew there was life outside of our own, and that they were lucky they weren't living on Earth
"We know hell as if it is our heaven" you told me
Nothing ever stuck out to me like that did

I still remember holding your broken eyes on my shoulders
I remember hearing you scream and cry at me as you clawed at your neck, trying to make me realize that you felt like someone or something was choking you
You used to tell me that they were after you
You used to grow silent and just cry and cry
I remember the night you told me you loved me
You were scared because your life was weighed down by all of your problems and you didn't want me to get discouraged; that your problems were nothing compared to me and that I seemed to be your best medicine
I didn't care
You were beautiful to me and I still loved you in that moment, just as I do right now

I hope wherever you are has spaghetti with parmesan on Tuesday nights
I hope wherever you are has so many books that it would take you the rest of eternity to read them all
I hope wherever you are has flowers on Monday afternoons
I hope wherever you are has aliens, you deserve to be with the ones you seemed to fit in the best with
I hope wherever you are seems like heaven
I hope wherever you are is safe
I hope wherever you are is away from the ones who were after you
I hope wherever you are loves you as much as I do

I hope wherever you are, you're able to look down on me and smile
I hope wherever you are, you're able to see that I still haven't broken that promise

I promised that I wouldn't let the reaper get me, and if I did, I'd fight him off
I lost you to him but he will never get me

I miss you and I can't wait to meet you again

Forever onward,
I love you

Spill your coffee on me
My skin is exhausted and maybe the caffeine will soak in and wake up my tired bones
I could be your poetic trainwreck, baby
Don't ever worry about running out of cigarettes
Light up my fingers and smoke my soul,
I'm sure it's full of toxicity
Paint all of my journals black and rip the pages out, everything in them is about you and I don't have the ******* time to do what's right with myself
Stop whispering about me, I am so loud about you
I know you're disappointed, we all are, aren't we?
All I have the motivation to do is make up excuses about why I can't get better, but they're all *******
My pessimism stops my optimism from showing its face, but maybe that's a good thing, I know this will pass eventually

I COULDN'T WRITE THESE POEMS WITHOUT FEELING HORRIBLE
I WOULDN'T BE ALIVE WITHOUT FEELING HORRIBLE
LIFE IS ALL ABOUT FEELING
AND LET ME BE THE FIRST TO TELL YOU I'M FEELING ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING

These pages keep getting coffee and paint dripped on them
Everything seems sluggish, but with coffee, even the most exhausting situations will become awake with astonishment
Everything seems dull, but with paint, even the ugliest situations become beautiful

I want to be the man with the hat
I want to be able to pull doves out from under my hat, anywhere anytime
That way I'd be able to let my problems fly away instead of letting my problems settle and make a home in my head
Trust me, this is magic
All of this is magic
These few tricks have been tucked away in my sleeves and it's about time I let them go
Heaven is no place for the wicked, especially not magicians
What can I say? Life is better with a little bit of magic
For my final act, I'll make all of my sadness disappear

Self deprecation helps keep my head in check
It makes me realize I'm not the best, but I'm trying, and that's all that really matters
Even the summer thaws out from under the winter
I know my beauty will thaw out from all of these problems
I just have to be willing to see the brighter side of things and give them the permission to melt the ice that holds all of my problems in place

I'm drinking
I'm so sorry
I'm smoking a cigarette
I'm so sorry
I hate you
I'm so sorry
Everything is blurry and my heart is aching for you
I finished my last cigarette and I want another
I told myself I'd quit but I also told myself I'd forget about you and look how that's going

I'm sitting in my bathtub and
I'm scrubbing until you come off of my skin
This is the third day sitting in this tub thus far and I'm still showing no sign of getting rid of the thought of you
No amount of alcohol will get your taste out of my mouth and
No amount of smoke will get your air out of my lungs
You make me feel so *****
My skin will always crawl with yours still on it

They weren't wrong when they said you'd always be a part of me
What will be, will be, and I'm having a hard time realizing that
I don't want to just live with it
I don't want to just accept the fact that someone so disgusting broke me in two and I don't even have enough strength to glue myself back together

It's been three years since
I still remember your breath like it was my own
It smelled of smoke and bad decisions
Who knew you'd teach me to follow after your footsteps
I guess this is what growing up is supposed to be about
I never thought I'd grow up without you by my side
I guess I am still growing up with you, considering you'll never leave my head
I just never pictured it to be this way
Maybe it was for the better, or maybe the worse
Either way I can't imagine my life without you in it
I don't want you anymore, please get the **** away from me and let me breathe before the thought of you suffocates me
You are the devil

I want you to cover my feet with cement and beat me senseless until I can't remember you
Maybe until I can't even remember myself
I can't remember myself much after I gave it all to you anyways, so I guess it doesn't matter

I can't stop thinking about you
Maybe that's why I can never get any sleep
I'm so busy trying to get you in my bed that I can't even get comfortable in it myself
My sheep are too busy running around the thought of you to jump over a fence
You're my favorite nursery rhyme
I could scream your chorus until my voice grew tired
I wish I could grow tired
I never have energy, but it seems like I have enough to never stop chasing you
You're the only thing I think about, I can't stop
You're like a drug
You make me feel on top of the world, but I know you won't last forever and I'll be laying back in my bed wishing for more of you when you're gone
Maybe I need to stop thinking like that and just stop thinking about it in general and go with what feels right
Maybe I need to shut the **** up and just grab you by your waist and kiss you
Maybe I need to stop being afraid to
When I pass out you're all I see
My dreams are nothing but your hand in mine, and it kills me a little more each time I wake up and realize my fingers aren't touching yours
Although I wish we were more, I'm too scared to regret meeting you
As much as you drive me absolutely crazy, you're the only solution I've ever found to any of my problems
It isn't even a bad kind of crazy
It's the kind of crazy that makes me want to set everything aside and drive across the country with you with nothing besides our love, loud music, and the moonlight that'll chase us the entire way there
Maybe when you read this you'll call me up and ask me to get some coffee with you
I don't know why I'm kidding myself, I'm running after a ghost
Maybe I'm just too stubborn to actually speak up
Maybe you've been thrown back in my face this many times so I'll gather up the courage and ******* do something about it instead of write ****** poems about you

Maybe one day I will, but until I get the courage to do so, I'll just sit in my shower and cry about why I'm too afraid to and why I feel like something is holding me back

I love you so much
Do me a favor, baby, don't reply
I can dish it out, but I can't take it
I've been trained to love and love and love, but never allow myself to take love back in return
I've been so used to loving and hating at the same time that I can't imagine a world where loving someone else and myself at the same time is possible
I'm so used to carrying everything and everyone on my shoulders, even if I'm not trying to and they don't want me to
It's all I'm used to, what else could you expect me to do
Hot or cold, rain or snow, I am not a seasonal soul
I love you so much, I can dish it out, but I can't take it
Slow, fast, all at once, I find myself on the edge of your seat, and without a second thought, I am dying for you so you won't have to
I give myself the power to carry you, so much that I don't even want to plug myself in
My batteries could run out and I would still run to the ends of the earth for you
This is dangerous and I am reckless, you don't need to tell me twice, I'm an absolute lunatic
However when it comes to you, everything makes sense
I want to change and I want to be different for you
I'll do anything, just give me the go ahead
I can dish it out, but I want to take it

Every time I look into the mirror, I see someone different
I've been trying to find myself in other people for as long as I can remember
My body belongs to those who have shaped me
To the ones who have taken me by the hand and have taken me apart one by one, I present before you the one who was rebuilt by his surroundings and the ones who cared enough (or not so much) about their work

The forgetfulness in my bones stems from the girl I met in elementary school
She was so lackadaisical, you couldn't find a care in her world even if you tried your hardest
She taught me that it isn't always in your favor to care so much
That sometimes it isn't worth it to worry about everything or everyone else, especially if the situations or people are toxic to you

The boy I met in my 7th grade math class
He smoked cigarettes and liked to skateboard
I'd like to thank him for giving me the push I needed to stop caring so much about the way I looked and also for showing me that the words people say to me don't matter as much as I think they do
I don't talk to him much anymore, but I know he'd be disappointed by the fact that I've let such sadness and pessimism slip into my veins
Things were never simpler than when listening to loud punk music and skateboarding were the only things that mattered to me
I'd give anything to take myself back

I met a boy when I was 14 years old
He listened to cool music and played call of duty with me
He was my best friend
The more we grew up, the more we grew apart
His opinions started to differ from mine
His personality changed for the worse
He taught me that "depression is a sin" and I need to "find God" to rid myself of my sadness
He taught me that sometimes even the ones you love can slip away from you in the blink of an eye, but it isn't always a bad  thing

The girl I met my freshman year of highschool
She was short and full of steam that never seemed to come to an end
If rebellion had a face, it was definitely hers
She taught me that people can lie about anything as long as the ones listening to them care enough about them

But trust me, those were the least of my trust issues
The girl I met my junior year of highschool gave me such a different point of view about everything
She was older, so I thought she knew better
I thought things were different this time, better than they had ever been before her
Now my most vibrant memory of her is sitting in her driveway while she bawled her eyes out and cursed me for hours
Even though I wasn't in the wrong, I put myself in it and I stayed in it until I was forced out
She taught me that lust wears a costume
Sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's pretty
Sometimes it looks like love

I met a girl my senior year of highschool
The sunshine shimmered through her hair and the words she spoke were softer than a pillow after a long day of work
She had a lot of problems, but so did I
She taught me that it's not right for me to carry someone else's weight without being strong enough to lift my own
She taught me that love is a struggle and it can get extremely ugly if it isn't kept up with

I met a guy a few years ago
Through thick and thin, I know we have each other's back, no matter what
There are some people that you meet that you just know will be in your life for as long as you want them to be
They'll love you regardless of what you've been through, regardless of your opinions, and regardless of if you think badly about yourself
They will be here for you until the end, and he taught me to cherish real friendship; it isn't easy to come by

I met a girl when I was 15 years old
I didn't know it then, and I'm having a hard time contemplating it now, but I know she's something special
Through everything we have both been through, we always end up back together
It seems that we pop up in each other's lives when we need each other the most
She taught me that people who are meant to be in your life, will never leave it for good
They will always find a way back to you

As time went on and I thought things couldn't get any worse, I met my future
I met friends who cared about me
I met a newfound hope that I thought was extinguished years ago
I met happiness and I shook hands with it

From start to end, my life is a puzzle that I sometimes have a hard time finding the pieces to
I've found a few pieces so far, and others pieces haven't fit perfectly, but trial and error will get you through anything if you try hard enough

I've held up to this point, and I don't really see myself collapsing anytime soon

As much as life and I have a love-hate relationship, I don't think I'd change anything

"Yes, sir. Thank you for trying to teach me. Don't give up on me, Dad."

I'm not a deadbeat like your other son
That man is not my brother
He is a widow to what life offered him and he looks for his vices in alcohol and cheap women

That is not me
I am trying
My room is not my reality and I am not staying here to be afraid of everything
I am trying I am trying I am trying
My best is your worst and I just want you to understand that I'm one of the most driven people you'll ever meet

I'm not awake at 3am because the liquor and smoke is in me
I'm not gallivanting the streets with bad influences
I'm awake at 3am because my body has offered no other option
I'm not wasting the time I don't have
My imperfections don't define me

I work hard for what I want regardless of if I get it and the only advice you're pouring into my head is to "grow some" and "do something even if I don't want to"
I don't want to listen to you because I'm trying my best and I just want you to realize that I'll be strong when all is said and done

I don't need to be force fed
I work for my own food
I'm talking about the food of life
I'm talking about not letting the half empty glass get the best of me
I'm talking about wanting what's best for me
If you wanted what's best for me you'd realize I'm trying my best and your words only hurt me

These cuts are too deep for a bandaid solution
I need a neck brace to stop myself from hitting my head against my wall and a coat to keep myself warm because every time you make me feel like the worst I grow colder on the inside

I know this is hard for you to understand and you probably won't take any of this in and let it breathe inside of you because you never imagined your son would write a poem about you, especially not one like this

Trust me when I say I love you

I just want you to know I'm going places and I refuse to be held down by anything

I hope you're proud of me in the end

Everything seems to be pitch black and quiet
I'm alright with this, considering I've grown tired of being in the spotlight
I don't remember how I got here or how long I've been here, but everything looks and smells so vibrant
I'm laying in what looks to be an endless meadow of roses
Everything is so beautiful over here

The last few things I can remember involve a couple of pill bottles, a couple glasses of water, and falling asleep with my TV on
I hope I haven't been sleeping long, I don't want to worry anyone
Maybe this is a dream
Something so wonderful like this couldn't possibly exist in the real world

I see people walking around way over there, but to be honest, I don't even want to bother them
I'm having the best time in the world just resting here in the roses, it feels like home
The people looked like flowers at last
I want to cut myself open and let my entire body pour out around me here
I wonder if the vines will wrap around me and turn me into something beautiful
The weird part is that I'm not even jealous anymore
I don't even need to plant my roses anywhere, I'm completely surrounded by them and they look to be all mine

I suddenly felt a shock and my chest lit up in the pitch black of what felt like the promised land
I woke up but I couldn't open my eyes because the lights were brighter than they had ever been
I saw my mother quickly reach for me but another woman immediately stopped her

"Your son is in shock, please don't touch him, it could make things worse"

Where in the hell am I?
Is this a hospital?
Where's my meadow?
Where are the roses?
Why is everything so bright?
Everything is so loud!

The doctors repeatedly shock my chest while my mother grows hysterical next to me
I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear
I only wanted to take a nap, honest


--

A few years have passed
My therapist made me start my own garden
I'm embarrassed I couldn't do it on my own, but I'm glad he made me do it, or else I probably wouldn't have
I still write in the same journal I got from my grandmother when I was a small child in hopes that she sees me, wherever she is, and that she knows I'm still fighting for myself
My garden is growing like a wildfire and some days it's the only thing that makes me smile
At least I can still smile

It's been a very long time, but I can still remember my adventure like it happened yesterday
If this is what death is, I'm upset that everyone fears it so badly

*Everything was so beautiful over there and the people finally looked like flowers at last

You might as well just burn me with that magnifying glass
I'm better off dead than being searched for, or at least that's what my skeletons have told me
What do they know though, they're just piles of ash
However, everything that was once made of fire and brimstone is now ash, so it does make me wonder

The sun rays cascade into a quiet valley, not a soul in sight
I am a house built between two hills, or for lack of a better term, between a rock and a hard place
The lights are on but no one is home
If someone were to go looking, they'd find me inside the caves of my mind
Bar fights, fist fights, blood all along the lines
My head is a rather filthy place to stop by
I'd stay away if I were you

However, you aren't the first, and you most definitely won't be the last
I may be a wreck, but this is only a little bump in the road
Once it's my turn to go, I'll never stop again
The gasoline I've been filled with will drive me for years
You left and I've been a little twisted ever since
What else can a broken man do besides cope the best he knows how

I wish you'd come back so I could beat the **** out of you for what you've done to me
Let's be honest here though
We both know I wouldn't touch you
Not because I would be scared to
Mostly because acid rots flesh and your skin is more acidic than your personality ever could be

I wish I could bury you and dig you back up again
Maybe that way you'd know what it feels like to be covered in dirt that you can't get out of
If history repeats itself then I guess I'll learn to roll in my grave
Nothing's funny, I just want you to know how it feels to have someone turn their back on you

A hundred years from now I'll be nothing but a pile of ashes
You know what they say though
Everything that was once made of fire and brimstone is now ash
My youth was a raging wildfire that didn't stop for anyone
You weren't the first and most definitely won't be the last

Muster up the words, "I beg you."
Form some kind of apology, please
This isn't you and you know it
Your heart is too warm to treat someone so cold

The breezy winds flow through your hair just as well as they do your emotions and you're making her feel like a helpless feather with no other choice but to get blown away
Even a simple goodbye would be better than this
Trust me, I know closure isn't really your thing, but she deserves at least something
Anything would do this situation justice, just please talk to her

This isn't you, please snap out of it

I know you've been hurt too many times to count and you're looking everywhere for something or someone to fill your voids but do not use innocent hearts as vices, they don't work like that
Don't rob someone of their feelings just because you have a hard time coping with yours

I know sometimes certain situations and feelings can be interpreted differently, but don't kid yourself, you know exactly what you're doing and quite frankly it's making me sick

You aren't perfect and neither is she, but the least you could do is offer her a bandaid when she needs one instead of drinking her blood and leaving a mess for her to cleanup afterwards without even calling her back

All of this is running like a train through my head when I look into my mirror and see myself start to tear up
The bags under my eyes hold all of the emotions that I try my best not to let out

It should be easier than this
Maybe it really is easy, and I'm just not used to change
I'm not sure about a lot of the things that are happening in my life
However, I am sure that I need to stop becoming a bad memory to others

It keeps me awake at night to think about all of the wrong I've done
That there are people whose only memory of me is how I was the worst for them and I don't want that

To my past friends and lovers, I can't say sorry enough
To my present friends and lovers, please don't give up on me; you are the reason I'm still trying
To my future friends and lovers, I hope by the time we meet, I am nothing less than perfect to you

I'm not used to change, but I could get used to being a good memory

Yes, the lights are off, but you are not on your floor crying.
It's 3am and you're laying silently in your bed and you can't stop turning. You haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks.

It isn't "You can do this, just hold on!".
It's the constant gnawing at your neck and the feeling of disgusting hands reaching around your throat and choking you, yet your arms are so tired that you can't even muster up the motivation to want to reach up and yank the hands away.

It feels like you want to do everything you possibly can, yet you're too tired to do anything. So much so that you would rather lay in bed and come up with excuses about how even the simplest tasks are the biggest problems that you can't come up with solutions to. You would rather stay here and wallow in your sadness than open your window for fresh air and fix yourself something to eat.

It's being surrounded by your closest friends and still feeling sad.
It's staying up to watch the sunrise without even wanting to.
It's feeling nauseous without riding a roller coaster.
It's sitting in your shower long after you've washed yourself clean. You're only sitting in your shower because your tears feel less noticeable with the faucet running on your face; the only reason you're sitting instead of standing is because you're too exhausted to stand anymore.

You can't stand it anymore.

It's realizing what's best for you, and when you try your hardest to do what's best for you, it feels like the world is collapsing onto you.
It's a walk in the park on a freezing Tuesday evening in December when the snow is beyond cold but it's the only thing left that makes you feel anything so you feel compelled to sit in it.

It's a lot of things.
Most importantly though, it's nothing.
At least that's what you keep telling people.

*Please stop sugarcoating it.

The streets are running rampant with loneliness and exhaustion
The kids are breaking bottles just so their hearts aren't the only things being broken

Your lips are the only lips a lost boy like me needs
It's a shame that your lipstick is all over my neck
The others are going to be fooled into thinking I'm the only one you're hooking up with

Kick the **** out of me so I know I'm still alive, I'll be sure to put up a fight
It just really ***** to hear you say "I love you" and then watch you turn around and fall into the arms of another like I never even mattered to you
I wish you'd just say it
I wish you'd tell me that I never mattered
That way I won't stay up all night thinking about you
I'll most likely think about you regardless,
I'm just not sure what would hurt more
Thinking that I never mattered to you, or knowing that I never mattered to you

I just hope you think about me when you're in a bedroom with another
I hope my name is in your head when you moan his and I hope you can feel my hands wrapped around your throat when you're choking on the lust you're giving into

The worst part is the fact that I can see and feel the blood coming out from where you stabbed me
I just hope I can manage to pull the knife out fast enough to pour completely out for you because I know you love it fast and you love it everywhere

It's a small world but an even smaller place in my heart for you
Maybe someday the place will finally shrink enough to not exist
Unfortunately until then, you're always welcome here, whether I like it or not

Sorry, I've just got a lot happening.
I'm no longer able to stand the bright lights, so I've been standing off to the side trying to think of something to say so everything will get off of my back and leave me alone because it's unbelievably hard to manage stress like this.

Of all things, consider these:

You are sitting in an airplane and the pilot comes over the speaker and explains that you are thirty thousand feet in the air and something horribly wrong is happening to the plane. You have roughly twenty minutes until the plane will be forced into the ocean.
Will you speak up, or will you sit silently?

You are dying of lung cancer and you have roughly three months until your body has no choice but to stop working all together.
Will you speak up, or will you sit silently?

Your father is lying on his death bed and he is confessing his sins and apologizing for never cheering you on when you were trying to get your act together.
Will you speak up, or will you sit silently?

Of all things, consider what is really happening here.
Will you be the one to hide under your blanket when the wind picks up and knocks the tree branches onto your window on stormy nights, or will you be the one to embrace it all and accept it for what it really is?

I've been thinking a lot lately, almost too much, and I've reached a point where the end is almost as rational as the beginning. In other words, it isn't.
Nothing makes sense when you really think about it, so why even think about it?
All I want to think about is the number of roses I have left to see in my life, and I do not want to miss a single one.

I'm not sure when I'll be returned to the roses from which I came, but when I finally reach them again, I hope that I can smell them just one more time.
I always pass the roses in my life and rarely do I ever stop to smell them.
I make a lot of mistakes, but that's probably my biggest thus far.

I'll be jealous of the people with green thumbs I'll meet in heaven, they spent their lives taking care of beauty, and all I did was spend too much time thinking about it.
Of all things I've considered, life is a garden and I just cannot find a place to start digging. Maybe one of these days my mind will stop racing and I will comfortably find a place that I want to plant my roses in.

Until then, you'll find me in the shadows of it all, just thinking of something to get myself by.

Hey there,
It's me again.
I know I've come to you before and you never say anything back to me, but I have no other choice; so please just listen to me carefully.
I know it's been a few years and you haven't heard from me, but I just got caught up in what life is suppose to be about. I'm sorry. But I'm here now, and I have so much to tell you.
First of all, *******. I hate doing this and I hate coming back to you because I know for a fact that there are others that have no other choice but to see you, and here I am, willfully coming to you. Congratulations for this.
I used to feel like my loved ones were going to have to drag the lake for me because of you, and I'm so stupid to be coming back to you after everything you've done to me.
I know I've told you that I don't believe in God, but recently I've had no other choice but to pray to him and ask him sincerely to please never let you show your face to me again.
I'm going to a funeral tomorrow evening, and even though I never met the guy, it fills me with nothing but rage to know that you stole everything from him.
I was told that he had everything going for him. Perfect grades, a perfect athlete, not a thing in the world seemed to be able to stop him. He was so young and full of potential. Until you came along.
You forced his body to starve so badly that it had no choice but to eat itself.
That sounds familiar, doesn't it?
That no matter how many times I'm able to run away from you, you never fail to fill my stomach with what seems like a black abyss that never stops screaming at me for everything I do.

Second of all, I hope you're happy with all of this.
I hope you see me struggle and turn in my sleep because of you and you get a kick out of it.
I hope that you feel a sense of accomplishment when you see me smiling and decide I'd be better off back in the dumps. You somehow always think that I've always wanted this.
There have been times when I've wanted nothing more, but now is not that time.
I've grown so much without you and I hope you've noticed.
Life has given me such a sense of self worth. Something that you could never do for me.
In fact, all you ever gave me was the complete opposite.
It's been a struggle, but I don't need you. I never did, so please stay the **** away from me.

Last but not least, this is the last time you will ever hear from me.
Death, I am staring you right in the face and I feel more confident now than I ever have.
Death, no matter how many times you try to push down on my chest, I will take the deepest breath you've ever seen me take.
Death, say goodbye to your longest prisoner, I hope you become lonely without me.

Death, not today.
Death, not ever.

Yours truly, the one that got away.

PS, I'm gonna need this letter back to write more things on to help my head get rid of you.

As you're walking, take time to stop and smell the flowers
I was a flower that kept growing every time you picked me
The unfortunate part is that you kept coming back to me knowing that I would always grow back for you
And I couldn't run away from you because I was stuck in the same soil I'm sitting in right now
I just hope for the day when the sun is able to shine on me and let me grow without me having to worry about you coming back to take me away again

*******
Agitated
Broken
Beaten
******
Ridiculous

The bandages have been ripped off whether I like it or not and it's up to me if I want to either watch myself bleed and cry about it or watch myself bleed and let it all flush itself out

Beginning after beginning, I keep creating fresh canvases only to ruin them with paint that won't ever wash out
Soil and soil and soil, it's all I'm ever used to
The feeling of pain and the price of pleasure are both two very similar lines that my body has never hesitated to cross

And my god, I am exhilarated

Jump on me like a trampoline and I swear to god I'll throw you off like a raging hurricane that's upset that we humans are ruining our planet's oceans without a second thought
My rib cage feels like it's been thrown against a brick wall and kicked relentlessly for hours
My mind is as hazy as the endless cigarette smoke you make me fill my lungs with
My inner being is at war with the outside world and I have a feeling that this is only the beginning

As I button down the hatches and hope for the best
I know that solitude will never make its way to me
I have to fight and fight and fight and never stop until I see it in my sights

I heard that if you want to make a living in this life, it's best to get your heart broken as many times as you can
That maybe if your heart bleeds just a little bit more each time, it will scar over and never stop becoming stronger
It puts hair on your chest and fire in your eyes and you deserve at least that much

This is a ******* war path and my struggles are wrapping themselves in knots at every twist and turn
But this is what I am here for, believe me when I tell you this
The tears in my eyes and the pain in my stomach are filling me up with rage that only the heavens will understand

This is no longer just a battle, it is war now
I am no longer just a soldier, I am a commander now
If there is anyone that could possibly take control and fight the good fight, it is I
If there is anyone that could possibly understand what is happening, it is I
If there is anyone willing enough to bleed until everything has bled out, it is I

I am a mess, but at least I am feeling
I am a mess, but at least one of these days this will all be over and I will finally be free

I've found out what stories the highways have to tell and I swear they're some of the best I've ever heard
Smokey windshields and blaring guitar solos in all, the road is a canvas just begging to be painted on

The tears of teenage existence will drain and fill and drain once more
The angst of late lovers will catch fire and spread to every part of this city
The state lines will blur more and more the closer you approach them
You are part of something so much greater now
Take a moment and realize that everything you do and say has never sounded more crystal clear

We will cross the bridge when we get there and we will sit on the side of the river
We will talk about what emotions have been trying to drown us lately all while trying our hardest not to drown in the water itself because good friendship creates the best kind of atmosphere you could ever be involved in

This is a revolution

I don't think you heard me

This, my friends, is a revolution

Burn your inner demons to the ground
Drown your worst fears in the waters of the holy land
Turn on Free Bird and dance in the moonlight until your body becomes numb with the feeling of excitement
Forget what problems are weighing on your shoulders for just a few minutes and let the wind of the river blow through your hair
I swear you will forget everything except this moment because forgetting is the only solution the river will give you
The only time the river will ever allow you to have is a ******* good time
Because the river courses through the veins of this country and trust me when I tell you that it has seen some **** and it wouldn't wish any of these problems onto you

The river is as iconic as you hear about because it is the birthplace of our generation's revolution and the highways that lead to it are the stepping stones of accepting yourself as a solution and not a problem

So by all means
Crank your radio up
Listen to Springsteen preach the good word
Arrive and waste no time
The children of the river are waiting for you
We have fires to start and cities to take over

*This is the revolution

Everything that made sense to me ended up hurting me
Maybe it's time I stopped making sense
A fourth, a fifth, a sixth
Whatever it takes to make me feel worth it

Yellow love, eat me up inside
Grow your vines and wrap around my heart and squeeze it until it pops like a balloon
I want to feel alive and full of air
I want confetti to explode out of my mouth when you kiss it because you a party and you deserve to be celebrated

Hold my hand and squeeze it so I know you'll never let go on accident
That way when I feel your hand unwrap around mine, I'll know you did it on purpose
It'll be a lot less hurtful, trust me

I will no longer be a lighthouse for your rough waters and I have grown to accept it
I will still see your ships and sails
And they will always be in the back of my mind
You will always be in the back of my mind

It's about time I say goodbye to what I thought would be forever
Blowing kisses and hugging the skeletons in your closet has never sounded so comfortable
But here I am, suitcase in hand
I just wish this goodbye could last forever

I can't complain
My coffee is getting cold and my flight is booked for an hour from now
Take a look at what's beneath your feet
Flowers that once bloomed at your every step are now wilting and crying onto your dress
Just wait for the clarity, this will all make sense
Where we're going, we are no longer safe
The stone walls you've built will crush us from the inside out

I have no choice but to burn what's left and start all over
Maybe then everything will finally feel fresh again
It's been so long since I've woken from a dream and felt confident
I never meant for any this to happen, believe me
I have wanted everything for us but I have spent all of my money buying you rings
and every one of them end up tossed into the creek

I always end up lost in the street
Begging and pleading
This is no place for a man that cares this much
I guess there is no place for a man that cares this much
Not on these streets and most definitely not in your arms

I want your head to shake and shatter like an earthquake when you read this
I want your gut to fill with panic and your sense of all understanding completely wiped out

Maybe I should stop wishing the worst for my enemies
But then again, maybe I should stop making sense

Pass the time
Pass the time
Pass the time

Think of what is not killing you
Let it seep into your skin and let it fill your lungs

Crack your brittle knuckles and pop your achey joints
This is only the beginning
Tie a noose around a tree and let the branch break, just to let yourself know that nature is keeping you alive for a reason

Now think of what is killing you
Let it fill and spill over and under your thoughts
Let it whisper soft meaningless nothings into your ears
Flirt with the idea of crushing a caterpillar just before it blossoms into a butterfly
Let yourself realize that there is beauty in the innocent
Learn that corruption is at every street corner, just begging and pleading for your attention

Pass the time
Pass the time
Pass the time

Give yourself to the wrongdoers
Let your blood bleed dark red onto your favorite t-shirt
Feel knowledgeable and learn consistently
Walk gracefully and fight viciously

There is no bliss in ignorance, just like there is no good in evil
Time is as valuable as diamond
Do not shied yourself from its shine and do not hide in its shadow

When the next opportunity comes, do not pass it
Do not pass the time and do not let it escape you
Breathe in air and exhale fire
Watch the clock like it is your favorite movie, it may just surprise you

Today we have just scratched the surface
Here lies your hopes and dreams
Mary Magdalene would merely laugh at me
Meadows of chloroform and chemical winds bypass my every thought but then again
Maybe I am not a disaster and maybe this is just a test

The strong willed and strong stomached gasp at the sight of this
What treachery is love and why is it not forbidden
What lovely tragedy, oh, what a comedy
You crave and thrive on drama and you are so two-faced
Even Jesus Christ is fooled

I am but a morsel lacking morals towards the monstrosities and the ill mannered
Flying high on the backs of the enemy
Laughing despicably
Uncontrollably

Gasping for every breath
Drowning in what seems to be nothing besides oxygen
I am a train wreck
I am a car crash

My fumes will spread near and far
Not as far as I'd like them to
But far enough to make the world know
That I am here and suffering

Please let me off easy
I'll do anything
Please let me off easy

Broken, beaten, battered, battled
Bestowed on top of the highest mountain
The clouds are my escape and I pray that I never have to return home

What is life without a little bit of adventure
What is a nightmare without a little bit of terror

Life is a thunderstorm and I am a chain-link fence
It was all very shocking at first
At least I am used to it by now

Welcome to the parade
Don't get it twisted
This is a sick sad establishment

I greeted Death with a smile and all I got in return was wishful thinking and eternal life
At least that's what he wanted me to believe
In reality, realism never looked so ugly
I've watched all of those around me die
And this is all taking so long, I'd rather watch paint dry

My contract is irreversible
My body stopped growing
A solar eclipse is the last thing I want to see
Satisfaction has become dissatisfaction
The flowers on my porch stopped blooming
All of this has only made me see

The big man in charge is a ******* and not even a forest fire could burn my hopes and dreams
I am eternal
I will live forever
I will makes the most of this
Whether you want me to or not
I will be here forever and there is nothing that can stop me

I will drink soda before going to bed
I will sleep with the lights on
I will have the craziest dreams

I will wake up thankful
I will be kind
I will be thoughtful
I will make sure no one ever knows
I will be the most beautiful

Don't get me wrong, death is beautiful
But everything beautiful must die eventually

I hope it rains today so I can watch your tears fall like melted candlewax
No, you're not the only person I write about
Just one of my favorites
Good god all mighty ****** Mary
Bless the Saint you are so heavenly

Lilacs and daffodils are all that come out of your mouth
You are the purest of the purest and the best of them all
You are a dime a dozen
No one touch them
Call the cops if the secret ever gets out

Wrap me like a blanket in your warmth
Because it's a cold cruel world
And my breath is freezing over like Hell would if you ever were to fall in love with me

A puny tiny wimp full of nothing, here it is
Don't you dare forget about me
Claw and climb and free yourself from your cage
And give me a call when you feel it's necessary
Until then I will be here
Awaiting the knock on my door
With a mind full of fear and a heart that feels too full

Sunny side up is where I'll never be
Choose to be, you chose between
Perfect craftsmanship and rotting fingertips
Take me for a spin and see just how far I'll take you

You never know with me
Of course, not even I do
But that's the point, right

A wolf among sheep
A flower in the weeds
A breath taken just a little too deep

This is how I assess the damage
This is how I take it all in and really get to know myself
How will I ever get the chance to turn this around
What if my pastor walked up to me on Sunday and told me I was hell bound

If I looked up into the sky and cried and cried
Would I get the chance to remind myself it's not my fault
Or would I continue the process of destruction and self loathing and hope to God the situation figures itself out

The ceiling is more blank now than it has ever been
It doesn't come as a surprise, but it doesn't offer me a solution
If I close my eyes and see stars
I hope I remind myself they're just in my imagination

Like all of my problems, they are all in my imagination
My brain is the only thing in my body besides my stomach that never stops turning
Like a wheel, my pessimism never seems to stop rolling
It just keeps rolling and rolling and rolling

I am getting just a little bit too car-sick
My bones are feeling just a little bit too homesick
And I am beginning to think that in the end of all of this
All of my problems will fall on me and cover me like a certain

I have spent such a long time becoming familiar with fake gold that I do not know how to handle you
My fingertips have only grown to know the feeling of fool's gold

You sparkle and glisten at every crack and crease
I do not know how, but I do know the difference
My life has been spent digging and digging and I have finally struck gold
I am rich
I am rich with the feeling of empathy
I am rich with the feeling of guilt
I am the poorest rich man that you could ever meet

Here we are, our paths will always cross, no matter what
I have never been as thankful as I should be about the majority of things in my life, but in this moment
Right here
Right now
I have never been more thankful

I will come and go
You will always be on the move
But trust me when I say this
Not a single map on this Earth could do our journey justice

I wish for nothing more than to put on these gloves and so delicately hold you
Your atmosphere is heavy and enthralling
Being drawn in is the only feeling I will ever experience

I will never not be thankful
I will never not know the difference between now and forever

Today is where this starts
And forever is where this ends

Today I have struck gold

Starting today, I will never look back

Another sunrise
And another sleepless night
I continue to rot from the ground up
This is so surreal
This is so new
The old crustiness of exhaustion and desperation hold my body by a shock collar
And I am not sure what not feeling electricity course through my veins at all times feels like
I am nothing besides a broken insomniac with a twisted god complex
I am finally starting to realize the difference between knowing it all and wanting to know it all
I don't know why our souls leave our bodies when we die
But I do know that the sunrise is a new
And I could really, really use one of those

Accept me, I long to be validated
Restless pick me up
Carry me and all of my faults
******, it's 4am again
I guess I'll light another
I guess I'll keep driving
You would be so proud of me
Please take me in
I am doing this all for you

This is where it all ******* goes
This is what no one ever wanted to know
No one ever knows, not even a bit
I drop my bombs where I see fit

I took Medusa out to dinner
And she loved it
The only thing she turned stone was my restless soul and I thank her every **** day for it

I am not crying, you are crying
The smoke will continue to billow out
My body will continue to hollow out

Restart
Reinvent
Inhale
Exhale
These clouds will clear up
I will finally keep my chin up
I will no longer be drowning inside of you
I am simply on your surface
And my god, your sky is so bright
Your birds are chirping so loudly
This is why I am here
This is why I am here

I am in this, with or without you

I may not be able to leave, but I will enjoy my stay

Live freely
Love wildly
Be lawless
Spit in the face of your enemies
Light a match and swallow the flame
Believe in yourself
Believe in a god
Forget the difference
Relive the war
Ride with all of the windows down
Embrace your identity
Become one with sincerity
Befriend strangers
Party until you drop
Wake up in the morning and regret nothing
Live fast
Die young
Die fast
Live forever
This is real
It always has been
Inevitable
Inexcusable
Unbearable
Free
Clap your hands
Applaud those around you for making it this far
You are beautiful
You are worth it
You are living
You are perfect
Stay awake to see the sunrise
Smoke a cigarette for the moon
Take a shot to see the stars
Forgive
Do not forget
You have made it this far
This is not the end
But a wonderful beginning
Watch as the lights go out
Watch as the crowd all shouts

*If we live forever, we will suffer
If we live forever, we will suffer

Everything is cold and everyone is desperate
I am not crying, I am being honest
It's been a long time here and I'm tired
How do the nameless go about making a name for themselves
If the only joy to be found is buried six feet into the ground

We built a home that was so easily turned
We walked through the fire together but I was the only one burned
With eyes weak and no hope to be found
I turned on myself to pick out the flaws
There is no place in the world for people like me

I looked through the window
And I could just barely see
A woman, laced with happiness and a dress down to her knees
With an umbrella, a purse, and a pair of glasses to see

Everything is bright and everyone is shining
It's been a while, I am not crying
We have made a name for ourselves, her and me
It's Mr. and Mrs. Lovely, we have grown a tree
On Sunday's and Monday's, I count every leaf
One smile, two smiles, three smiles, indeed

What a lovely change of events
One would agree
It isn't very long until you are able to see
That with every wrong, comes a right
I sure hope you believe
That not a flicker in sight
is dull enough to cease

Even though we are lonely, even though we are weak
We will stand up strong
and be filled up with peace

Sugar, sugar
Take me away
Sail me on your stream
Find me in my dreams

Sprint through my veins
Show me what it feels like to not know pain
On again, off again
I lose what I gain

You are a cloud and I am the rain on the riverbank
Watch me flow in waves as I claw and scratch like a fiend
Nothing is as it seems
I swear to god I am just living in a dream

However it is so tough to care when I am floating in this shipwreck
My body is but a vessel being carried by the loveless
It punches me and kicks me and stings me like a wasp's nest
I will wear this crown of thorns you call my regrets
And I will cheer and cheer until my vocal chords snap

We are living the best we can
So on and so forth we follow
These words are tough to swallow
But I wallow and I wallow and I do not dare to call you

Sadness greets a familiar face with a "Hello, nice to see you"
and with this I retreat

*The river and the clouds
of the white sugar sweets

Lackluster serenade
Pick me up and lay me into your abundance

I wish I may, I wish I might
For the moon to collapse and the stars to collide
Your hair is soft and silky
Like fresh cut grass in the summer of '97

11pm, sing me to sleep with your soft, sweet melodies

I am caught between a rock and a hard place
Yet I wish to be caught between your lips
Oh my, your soft, sweet lips

Do not mind me, I must have slipped
Do not remind me, give me no tips
This is a struggle, I do not fit

I am wrong and you are right
I wish I may, I wish I might

Cherries and wine, you are mine
Intoxicate me, you are so fine

Destroy me with your every grasp, take every one of my last breaths

"I never mattered, we never mattered
It all ends in death"

Said the wolf to the lamb
*"We all are next"

"Good morning sun, you are shining awfully bright today
Hello sunflower, you are looking breathtaking this morning
How are you, bonsai? You are looking so strong and sturdy!"

The sun sweeps over the hills and I sit for a moment and realize I have forgotten something

"Oh heavens, I have forgotten you"

"My dear rose, my sweet stone.
My muse and my flame.
I am so sorry I have forgotten you.
You are looking beautiful as ever this morning."

My eyes start to wash over with emotions I thought I had long forgotten

"My rose, my lovely blossom, you are shining like sequence on this lovely day."

I pace three or four times, I don't remember, maybe five

Hello sunset, you are so bright
Hello future, you are so light
Goodbye past, you are so hazy
Hello self, you are long gone

It has been three months, maybe four, I don't remember

"Father, happy birthday, we love you!
Mother is looking down on you and she is smiling so bright!"

"Hello, thank you.. Who are you?"

"Rose, there is someone here for us."

"Father, it's me, your son. I'm your son. I'm here to celebrate your birthday! D.. Don't you remember?"

"Rose, hurry, you don't want this young man to drink cold tea now, do you?"

With tears in my eyes I am viewing all of this through a kaleidoscope of forgetfulness I thought I would never have to remember

I remember hospital beds and sleepy eyelids just wishing to rest for a few minutes

A daughter lights a candle for her father and he immediately remembers the fire he saw

He screams and shouts as she is crying

"Father, father, please stop!
Everything is okay!
Everything will be okay!
We are okay!"*

If memory serves right, the sun is only as bright as I want it to be
I don't remember the last time I remembered
I am merely a helpless seed lost in the wind of this storm
and I cannot find my way back home

Now that I think about it, I don't even remember what home is

I am the sounding of your alarm
and the ringing of your bells

I am worth it, I am divine

I am the current that sweeps you away and the breeze that fills your mind

The sunlight casts a shadow on all of your wrongdoing; you are the most beautiful black sin

Forgive me not for my slumber, wake me not when you find me

Fill me with your benevolence, nurture me on your Earth
The surface is slick and clean, and I am the dirtiest of the sea

Forgive me not for my sins, I will be washed away in the end

I see you while you eat
I see you while you sleep
I will see you in every single one of your dreams

This life is a labyrinth for those of you who wish to be
What a shame it is to believe
I am every little thing you live, I am every little thing you breathe

I will be there when your curtain drops
I will be the only one you see

Round and round on a mary go round
This is just simple child's play
There's only a slight chance that the grass is greener on the other side

When you come around
You are smiling so hard
And joy is manifesting the air around you

Growing up will never seem real
Just like when we were walking through the park the other day and you looked up at me
I saw you ten years ago on that swing set
I remember asking if you wanted to get ice cream with me because it was such a hot day
I was young and didn't know better

Our bills are late and we are scrounging
Living check to check was something you thought you would stop doing after moving out of your mother's house

I remember the first time I took you out to dinner
You refused to let me pay for you
and then when I went to hold your hand you flenched
because the last man that grabbed your hand was your stepfather
and he wasn't doing it to comfort you like I was

Days turned to nights and your tears never seemed to go away
I couldn't stop apologizing and telling you that it was all my fault

I am so sorry that I could not give you more

I remember seeing your face as it went through the window
My knees were stuck under the steering wheel and I couldn't move my neck, but I still saw that iconic glimmer in your eye
Tragedy is beautifully terrifying
Only good will come from this

We seemed to fight through it all, why give it all up now?
We were just starting to find our way out of the labyrinth, and I hadn't smoked one single cigarette in three months

Five months after that I see you and your new lover at the same park we used to take walks in
I am writing this in shambles at 3am in my apartment
I am on my fifth cigarette

We were like peas and carrots, but I was not sweet enough
I was always pushing for us
You never stopped giving up

There is beauty in pessimism just like there is beauty in the sun
The moon is as optimistic as the stars; maybe, just maybe we will see the sun rise

These ships have seen rougher waves
In other words, these ships have sailed

I want to drink *** at the helm
I want to tell the ones around me that I feel like king of the world
I want to feel like king of the world

Welcome to the sea port of wrecklessness
We welcome all who are willing to lose themselves in the midst of it all

Gunpowder and ballrooms
We don't take this as serious as we should
I am surrounded by flashing lights and loud bangs
Loose cannons, they are walking the plank just for the hell of it
I have wanted to call this place my home for so long

Now I am finally here and I can't even find the strength to stay calm on these stormy waters

It feels like my ships have sailed
I shouldn't have to feel in charge
I shouldn't be the one to steer the helm
My lungs shouldn't have to bear this
My hands seem so tired
I seem so tired

I have a sailors mouth
but a first mate's broken heart

Welcome to the seaport of warmth
We welcome all who want rehabilitation
Come to us if you need a place to rest your weary head
We will shield you from the flashing lights and loud bangs
I have always called this place my home

I was never as wreckless as I wanted to be

I was never a pirate, I never wanted to be
The sea is as open as my mind
Sometimes it feels nice, other times not so much
I don't remember the last time I wasn't lost

I have been searching for this treasure my whole life, but I can't seem to get out of Davey Jones' Locker

By the time they have all moved on, I will be a hundred feet deep in the dark of the ocean
My ships have sailed

Embrace it,
This is one of our realest moments

Light that cigarette,
Pick up that pen,
Feel livid

You are a burning star in this universe and you deserve to make your presence known
You are dying, but this is such a comfortable way to die

Embrace it, throw your fists up, throw your punches
This is the epitome of the true American spirit,
This is the revolution of everything you have come to know and love,
You are burning down and you are ******* breathtaking

MAKE YOUR PRESENCE KNOWN

Make them laugh and cry and cheer and beg,
Make them understand what it's like to feel all of this

Imagine the first time there was dirt thrown on your family name,
Spark up and fight,
Make it known that your soul is burning and screaming

YOU ARE NOT WEAK
YOU WILL NOT PERISH

Walk through the fire and come out singed with anger and frustration,
At least you are alive

Reach out to those around you and breathe in a breath of fresh air,
Reach up and let the heavens resuscitate you,
and then walk through the fire once more

You are a burning star and the Earth deserves to feel your frustration

I will fill my voids with every form of destruction
I will inject my brain with everything that feels good, regardless of the fact that it never ends well

Much like our broken love, I have forgotten the true meaning of honesty

Honestly, the way you took my hand and ran with me felt so refreshing
I wanted all of it
I wanted to be enveloped

It wasn't until the night I saw you with him that I had felt such a strong sense of defeat

The way his hand was wrapped around yours, I knew he was running with you

Two years later and a few more pieces shattered, my legs are broken and my hands no longer are able to grip as hard as they could when I was with you

My tired bones and my rusty joints ache at the memory of running with you

We can take over the world! You used to say

This is not me crying because of you,
and this is not my pity party
I am not wearing a party hat and there is no confetti

There is a pile of fuming bones and there is a race I no longer have the chance to win

When you left me, I was so fragile
However, here I am today
I am stronger then ever
and I am winning my own race

Does it ever cross your mind that what is, maybe never was supposed to be

That maybe what was supposed to be, isn't worth mentioning

Maybe we're supposed to settle for what we know we can have

I never seem to branch out

It kills me to realize what I want is so far out of reach

It's unfortunate that I feel the need to settle for what I know I can have, never opening up and going after what I should have,
because what I should have, I don't have the confidence to go after

My head keeps telling me that I deserve absolutely nothing, but I've never heard a story end like this

When you fight this hard for this long,
It's hard to think you don't deserve it

I've been in these battles and these wars for what seems like years, and what do I have to show for it

A dwindling sense of self-confidence and a smile so fake not even plastic can describe it

I play myself for a ******* fool

You see, my head and my heart are two very separate beings

My heart is constantly tugging and pulling at my head to drive just a little bit longer,
that this sense of peace is just a little bit further

My heart beats consistently only wanting to show just how far I have come,
but my head is content just where it is

My heart always talks to my head, but my head never listens

It's been awhile, and if you were to ask me how I was doing right now, I wouldn't be able to say well

My walls came crashing down
only to be rebuilt so sturdy that not even Jesus himself could push through to me

My branches have been cut and my leaves have turned brown with selfloathing and greed

I am not doing well, do not even ask me

I know this is my fault, it always is
I push everyone out
I don't know a good thing when it's coming
I always sabotage everything in my life

Maybe it's me, maybe it isn't

I just know I am getting very, very tired
and I need to sleep soon

If you were here, would you even ask me

Would you stop me and ask me if I was doing well, or would you stay quiet and keep walking
like you have for the past three years

I don't even remember the last time you asked me

*I just know I am getting very, very tired
and I need to sleep soon

He looked like her father when he hit her
But this time, the bruises didn't stick around long enough for her friends to realize
It was all just one big misunderstanding
However love is not tough when tough involves fists
And fists are not tough when you love someone like this

I remember the first time I met you
You were so angry
You were crying
I walked up to you and I didn't even have to ask what was wrong
You just gave me a big hug and said to me "Cherish those around you before they are stolen out from under your feet"

The bones that break are the same bones that rebuild themselves ten times stronger
Your bones could build a bridge
And it would be so beautiful

"I am a work in progress and you will just have to deal with me" is one of the things I remember you saying to me
Those lips are the same lips that kissed mine when I told you that you were getting more and more beautiful by the day

Although your paint is still drying
Your colors are so vibrant and they blend so well together
You are going to turn out so beautiful
And everyone is going to admire you
Everyone on this planet
Everyone in this universe
You are a work of art

God bless the angel who protects you
God bless the angel who sent you