I spend my nights bleeding out intoxicated poetry written under candlelight and screaming vinyl, spinning a web of loose ends trying my hardest to tie them together
I couldn't stop loving you even if I hated everything about you
I couldn't stop hating you even if I loved everything about you
I am picked up by my feet and dangled over an open fire that blacks out all of the thoughts in my exhausted head
The thoughts that are too heavy to handle even on my best days
Bright highway signs welcome me as I look for an escape, if I drive far enough to get away, maybe it will be written in my blood
My canvases painted ferociously to imagine a world more vivid than this one, maybe if I keep painting what I'm feeling, I'll be able to feel something instead of trying to accept the fact that I've grown numb to everyone and everything around me
I spend a lot of my time writing all of this out on my bedroom floor
Sometimes it's better to lay on the floor because a lot of the time nothing is as solid as the ground, it adds stability when nothing else is as stable as I'd like it to be

I deserve to be miserable
I deserve to be miserable
I deserve to be mi--

Tears won't get me where I need to be
Bandages won't stop the bleeding
My skin is itching with broken promises and unfinished words
As hard as I am on myself for the things I have no control over, you'd think that I would be used to this by now, yet here I am, lit cigarette in hand, the shaking getting worse when I try to speak
My sleepless nights are finally catching up to me
My mother notices on a daily basis and all she knows how to do is pray for me, I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry that I don't know how to cope with this, or anything for that matter
I'm having dreams that seem more real than real life, I'm becoming more and more disassociated by the minute, I can't help myself, I'm a ******* trainwreck

Everything is happening all at once and it won't stop even if it were asked to

It's the doubt in my mind that creates a silhouette of confidence to portray to those around me, this kid's got his **** together
I am not a writer because I want to be
It's the thoughts that crowd my head, all I know how to do with them is write them down because if I don't find the time to drain myself of the negativity, the demons it brings will build a home in my head and they'd never leave
I promised myself I'd stop, but I've never kept a promise, I don't know how

I don't know much

All I know is that everything is happening all at once and it won't stop even if it were asked to

A sadistic sickened scatter brain is something I consider myself to be
Not in the over emotional attention seeking teenager kind of way, more in the overthinking pain seeker, seeking love and affection where I know I'll get hurt
It isn't much of wanting to get hurt, it's more like wanting to be with someone so badly that you don't care how badly you're getting hurt because of it, someone who over analyzes how to get someone else to fall in love with them, forgetting to care about themselves and only caring about the person they want so badly to be in love with

It really shouldn't be hard, it should be easy
I know I don't ever shut the **** up about you, but I can't help myself
As much as I hate this, I can't stop
You're everything I want
Really you aren't, I really don't know what it is about you
Maybe it's your recklessness and how badly I wish I didn't care about everything like you don't
You pull off danger in the most seductive way, always on some **** that I've never heard of, and I ache so badly to have you
You're a ******* car crash and let me be the first to tell you that I'd die for a rush like you

You live on the edge and I'm stuck in my safe place
I'm finally coming to the realization that being in my safe place is good for me
You're just so enticing, I'd do anything to get a taste
Maybe it's the lust that's trying to convince me that this isn't love
Maybe this is love and we're just too young
You keep coming into my life and I can't tell if I should appreciate it or hate it
Either way, I don't know what I'd do without it
I don't know what I'd do without you

It ***** to be so attached to someone that doesn't even really know you're in love with them
It's been five years and your face was and still is the only face that could make my heart flutter with a simple glance
I just wish I knew what was holding me back
I don't know if it's a sign, that I should keep away, that you're a mistake
Or if it's just my head holding me back because of the ones who came into my life and rocked my world so badly that I don't have the ability to trust anything or anyone anymore
I don't know if the ones who ruined me were there to make me realize that you're my diamond in the rough, or if they taught me to stay away from bad feelings like this one

I know I should talk to you, but instead, here's another poem documenting the breaking of my heart
Maybe that's why I'm so self loathing
If I hurt myself, no one else has the chance to

You don't even need to break my heart, I'm doing it myself

I'm growing my hair out because it's the only thing that tends to stick around with me
I keep tugging and pulling at it even though I know I shouldn't because eventually it will all fall out, just like your love did for me
We fed off of our negative energies, my toxicity and your lack of understanding
We were bound to end up broken eventually, I just wish it wouldn't have happened this soon, I wasn't ready
I'm just a child too immature to handle everything around me, I know I need to change, but I'm too caught behind my stubbornness to evolve from something like this
It's affecting those around me, but I don't care
It's starting fires and I'm not even trying to put them out
I'm a disgusting ******* and I don't want to do anything to help myself
I'm just going to continue to bury my feelings and emotions into the hearts of the ones who seem to care the most about me, hoping they put up with me long enough for me to grow up and realize what I'm doing is sickening; maybe I'll change then
But until that happens, I'll continue to cry and mope about everything that makes me upset, even if it isn't worth it, even if it's hurting the ones around me, even if I know I'm doing wrong

I AM THE VICTIM IN THIS, I AM DOING NOTHING WRONG

--

Man, shut the **** up
You're so stuck behind your ego that you can't even see straight
Stop ruining the innocence of forgiving hearts
You know you're going to hurt them in the end, so why do you keep going?
Why do you refuse to come to terms with yourself and realize you can benefit from your disasters instead of maturing a little bit and facing them like you preach so much about
If only you understood how genuine of a person you have the potential to be, but you're too busy trying to avoid your problems to care about any of them
I just hope you know this will tear you down if you don't stop it
The ones you think love you will turn their backs on you for this
Stop acting like a child and man up and stop blaming everyone but yourself
You know you're in the wrong, start acting like it, it's all we ask
We love you and we want to see you prosper, but this won't end well if you keep acting this way

Love isn't a blame game and you aren't the victim of anything

These poems will fall in love with you, just as you have fallen in love with them

I'm dripping with anticipation as you're melting in desperation
Let the commotion of new age religion stir up a revival in all of the children's souls
The priest and priestess smoke cigarettes while listening to Brand New and yearn for a gospel that preaches about anything other than dipping our fingers in gold and making our bodies shimmer with yellow and orange love
We are doing this for ourselves and no one else, not our mothers and fathers, not our sisters or brothers, and definitely not for a holy control freak
Here, the angels wear cut offs and spread the word of sin
Here, we rip the pages out of books and use them to roll our drugs in
Here, sunglasses cover the homicidal looks shared between ex lovers as well as the holy matrimony we are all too scared about to act on

The coastline is quiet while the citizens quietly lose control
Bricks shattering windowpanes
And moonlit dances on the riverbank
If we weren't too far gone yet, we most definitely are now
But it's okay, misery finds company wherever the wind chooses to blow it

If the devil himself ever had to chose between what's wrong and right,
Nothing would ever make sense in our eyes
If the devil himself ever smiled,
Would we portray it as something good or as something bad?
If our hearts continuously broke,
Would we question what we did, or would we question what we will do about it?

I want to be a martyr
I want to be a ***** poet
I want to dig deep into the depths of every crack and crevice this life has to offer and start fist fights with everyone I come in contact with
I want to spill my blood in the name of literature
I want to listen to the hymns of the ****** whilst running my fingers through my greasy hair and finishing off my third pack of cigarettes
I want to drink yellow paint
I want to eat every flower I see
I want to be as ******* as possible when I die, that way my blaze of glory will be everlasting

This is my hallelujah to the ones that got away
My veins constantly ache for a savior
Fill my lungs with cement and fill my head with water, that way I can feel the weight of every breath and feel every problem swimming around in my head

When you get done reading this gospel, set it on fire and inhale the smoke, you will get higher than the sky
Feel the charcoal burn your eyes and clear your vision
It has all come down to this and this only
Do not let those around you discourage you
This is what we have all been waiting for

Take this into the streets and preach until you can't anymore, and when the sun goes down, don't let the ghosts take you

You only tell me you love me when your words are slurred and your breath smells like liquor
I could really use it though, I haven't been loved in forever
I need one more taste and one more flame to spark the iron in my bones

Even with my eyes open, fever dreams will find their way
I can feel you with my eyes closed, laying in your tangles
This isn't what I meant when I told you I wanted more
I was asking for novocaine; something to numb everything around me
What I got were feelings that tore me apart, those feelings never even laid a finger on you
I wish I never laid a finger on you

You're never around unless it's convenient
I'm never around because I can't seem to find my confidence
I just want some kind of closure, some kind of answer
You come and go and I can't tell if I want to tie a rope around you and go into the storm with you or if I'm better off cutting the strings

I know you're everything that's bad for me but
I've been so good recently, maybe I need to decay a little
A little sip or a small puff, all in the name of love
Because love is disgusting and twisted and drunk and misleading and--
No, this isn't love

This is a broken person trying to mend by finding comfort in discomfort
A broken person hoping to find somewhere else that's more uncomfortable than their skin, somewhere that they feel they would fit in well enough to convince themselves that their soul isn't too ***** to be cleansed

I sold myself to you and now there's no going back
You destroyed the receipt with good intentions but bad situations
I know we both want this but I really don't think we're doing this right, or at least I'm not
Maybe you don't really want this, I mean, you say you do, but I always had a bad feeling about honesty this deep
I laid it all out for you with a heart you could keep
But you're hiding it away from everyone else and not letting anyone see
I just don't know about you
No, I know everything about you, my mind just has a way of putting things that makes everything seem ugly

I'm sorry about this
I'm sorry about me
I don't want you to feel this feeling
You need what's best for you and I can't help but tell myself I'm not what you're looking for
I can't help but tell myself I don't need help

Please help me
I want you but not myself
I'll try my best I swear, as long as you let me kiss your neck and play with your hair

*TO THE ONE I ADORE, FOREVER AND EVERMORE

To the children who only find solace in ****** knuckles and broken toes
The pill is a hard one to swallow, especially if you're swallowing an entire bottle of them
It takes the earth 365 days to orbit the sun but it only takes you one second to love yourself if you try hard enough

Your friends and your family love you more than this, trust me
Your problems are insignificant above everything else and I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm preaching as I'm saying all of this
Just take it from another who had the same mindset
You will find peace in suffering just like you have found peace in past happiness
Be grateful that you have a heart to feel everything that happens to you, just please don't convince yourself that you would take being dead over trying to make something of your ruins
With disaster comes beauty and we are all disasters doing our best to become beautiful once more, we will get there one day if we work hard enough

To the ashes of half smoked cigarettes and to the ashes of broken relationships
Fire will burn down anything if you let it consume you enough
I am so sorry you are suffering
I am so sorry you are feeling this way
But the end of the rope or the tip of a bullet has not a ******* thing on what your life will give you
It may seem like hell now but heaven is just over the hill and if the view of rainbows and the sound of chirping birds won't convince you that there is a calm after the storm, you will never experience the calm before it

No, it isn't easy
But it isn't hard
Give yourself to your angels and let go of your demons, this is not their battle to fight

DO NOT LET YOURSELF SLIP
YOU ARE RESISTANT AND YOU ARE EVERLASTING
YOU HAVE NOT BEEN STOPPED YET, THEREFORE YOU WILL NOT BE STOPPED AT ALL

Therapy isn't pretty and neither is sadness, but the dirt must be dug up before the flowers can be planted
You aren't crazy for thinking about what you think about, please never forget that
It isn't about maintaining normal thoughts, it's about letting it all out
If we never let anything out, we'd explode, and it's better to bleed than to ignore being hurt
It's best to let your wounds bleed and heal than to let your bandaids become ***** and infected

I'd rather send a get well card than a funeral invitation
I'd rather see you in a hospital bed than a casket
I'd rather say, "We will get through this together. I love you so much. This fight isn't over." than say, "He was such a strong person. I'll never forget him."

What I'm trying to make you understand is that life will throw you into vines and thorns and leave you out of breath and cut to shreds, but the sunlight isn't just a dream and happiness isn't just a figment of your imagination
Things will become problematic and ugly, but muscles must be torn apart and bruised to grow back stronger

Build a bridge between your sadness and your happiness, and as you cross it, admire it all
It's all here for a reason, just like you are

Do whatever it takes, but whatever you do, just do not give up