I'm writing about you and I know I shouldn't
The only reason I'm trying hard is because I can't decide if being with you or not being with you will save me the heartbreak
I don't know which one would break my heart more; being with you, or not being with you
You're here for a reason but I'm a ******* mess, so spell it out for me so I won't have to myself

I a m s o r r y

I am not sorry, I am a disaster
I am however sorry about this mess

I a m s o r r y

I know I shouldn't be writing about you
I know I shouldn't have held your hand
I know I shouldn't have kissed you
I know I shouldn't have made love to you
I know I shouldn't be writing about you
I know I shouldn't have told you all of that
I know I shouldn't have smoked so much
I know I shouldn't have drank too much

A madman will cope the best he knows how
I am the maddest man and I do not know how to cope
Maybe that's my problem
Maybe you're my problem
Maybe I'm insane
Maybe I'm perfectly okay and this is just my grieving process
We all die eventually but I'm dying sooner rather than later because of you but my god I would die for you a thousand times
I don't know what I'm rambling on about
I don't know what you're all about
I do know what I'm all about, you
What's driving me crazy, you
What's tearing me apart, you
You may not know this, and this is my fault
The only solution I'm looking for is innocence but I'm not innocent in the least and heaven knows you're not
I know we'll end up together eventually and that's what keeps me going
Or maybe that's just what I keep telling myself because I know I'm too fragile for you

I'm sorry

You called, I answered
You said it's too late, that you're already too far gone and that the doctors have nothing left
Four months tops, five if we're lucky
You started to cry and I could still hear the fire in your voice spark up
You said "the reaper has his grip on me and it seems like he isn't going to let go this time. Please don't forget about me and what you promised me."
I responded with a deep breath and a muffled cry
"I'll never forget. I'll never forget."

Every time I walk by the picture of us on my shelf, I can still feel your fire burn on inside of me
It's been four whole years, and I still haven't broken that promise
I still make your favorite dinner on Tuesday nights
Spaghetti with just a little too much parmesan
You used to say that the noodles looked funny and that they needed to be extra cheesy because I was a noodle and I was always so cheesy to you, I loved that
I still go to your favorite book store on the corner, hoping to find you living on in a book somewhere
You used to love books and it seemed like they loved you just as much
Whenever you were in a bad mood you'd crawl into our bed and get lost in your own little fantasy
You used to buy a fresh bouquet of flowers every Monday afternoon
You said that flowers were beautiful and Monday's weren't, so you were doing us a favor
You used to love watching shows about aliens and UFOs, you always told me that you knew there was life outside of our own, and that they were lucky they weren't living on Earth
"We know hell as if it is our heaven" you told me
Nothing ever stuck out to me like that did

I still remember holding your broken eyes on my shoulders
I remember hearing you scream and cry at me as you clawed at your neck, trying to make me realize that you felt like someone or something was choking you
You used to tell me that they were after you
You used to grow silent and just cry and cry
I remember the night you told me you loved me
You were scared because your life was weighed down by all of your problems and you didn't want me to get discouraged; that your problems were nothing compared to me and that I seemed to be your best medicine
I didn't care
You were beautiful to me and I still loved you in that moment, just as I do right now

I hope wherever you are has spaghetti with parmesan on Tuesday nights
I hope wherever you are has so many books that it would take you the rest of eternity to read them all
I hope wherever you are has flowers on Monday afternoons
I hope wherever you are has aliens, you deserve to be with the ones you seemed to fit in the best with
I hope wherever you are seems like heaven
I hope wherever you are is safe
I hope wherever you are is away from the ones who were after you
I hope wherever you are loves you as much as I do

I hope wherever you are, you're able to look down on me and smile
I hope wherever you are, you're able to see that I still haven't broken that promise

I promised that I wouldn't let the reaper get me, and if I did, I'd fight him off
I lost you to him but he will never get me

I miss you and I can't wait to meet you again

Forever onward,
I love you

Spill your coffee on me
My skin is exhausted and maybe the caffeine will soak in and wake up my tired bones
I could be your poetic trainwreck, baby
Don't ever worry about running out of cigarettes
Light up my fingers and smoke my soul,
I'm sure it's full of toxicity
Paint all of my journals black and rip the pages out, everything in them is about you and I don't have the ******* time to do what's right with myself
Stop whispering about me, I am so loud about you
I know you're disappointed, we all are, aren't we?
All I have the motivation to do is make up excuses about why I can't get better, but they're all *******
My pessimism stops my optimism from showing its face, but maybe that's a good thing, I know this will pass eventually

I COULDN'T WRITE THESE POEMS WITHOUT FEELING HORRIBLE
I WOULDN'T BE ALIVE WITHOUT FEELING HORRIBLE
LIFE IS ALL ABOUT FEELING
AND LET ME BE THE FIRST TO TELL YOU I'M FEELING ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING

These pages keep getting coffee and paint dripped on them
Everything seems sluggish, but with coffee, even the most exhausting situations will become awake with astonishment
Everything seems dull, but with paint, even the ugliest situations become beautiful

I want to be the man with the hat
I want to be able to pull doves out from under my hat, anywhere anytime
That way I'd be able to let my problems fly away instead of letting my problems settle and make a home in my head
Trust me, this is magic
All of this is magic
These few tricks have been tucked away in my sleeves and it's about time I let them go
Heaven is no place for the wicked, especially not magicians
What can I say? Life is better with a little bit of magic
For my final act, I'll make all of my sadness disappear

Self deprecation helps keep my head in check
It makes me realize I'm not the best, but I'm trying, and that's all that really matters
Even the summer thaws out from under the winter
I know my beauty will thaw out from all of these problems
I just have to be willing to see the brighter side of things and give them the permission to melt the ice that holds all of my problems in place

I'm drinking
I'm so sorry
I'm smoking a cigarette
I'm so sorry
I hate you
I'm so sorry
Everything is blurry and my heart is aching for you
I finished my last cigarette and I want another
I told myself I'd quit but I also told myself I'd forget about you and look how that's going

I'm sitting in my bathtub and
I'm scrubbing until you come off of my skin
This is the third day sitting in this tub thus far and I'm still showing no sign of getting rid of the thought of you
No amount of alcohol will get your taste out of my mouth and
No amount of smoke will get your air out of my lungs
You make me feel so *****
My skin will always crawl with yours still on it

They weren't wrong when they said you'd always be a part of me
What will be, will be, and I'm having a hard time realizing that
I don't want to just live with it
I don't want to just accept the fact that someone so disgusting broke me in two and I don't even have enough strength to glue myself back together

It's been three years since
I still remember your breath like it was my own
It smelled of smoke and bad decisions
Who knew you'd teach me to follow after your footsteps
I guess this is what growing up is supposed to be about
I never thought I'd grow up without you by my side
I guess I am still growing up with you, considering you'll never leave my head
I just never pictured it to be this way
Maybe it was for the better, or maybe the worse
Either way I can't imagine my life without you in it
I don't want you anymore, please get the **** away from me and let me breathe before the thought of you suffocates me
You are the devil

I want you to cover my feet with cement and beat me senseless until I can't remember you
Maybe until I can't even remember myself
I can't remember myself much after I gave it all to you anyways, so I guess it doesn't matter

I can't stop thinking about you
Maybe that's why I can never get any sleep
I'm so busy trying to get you in my bed that I can't even get comfortable in it myself
My sheep are too busy running around the thought of you to jump over a fence
You're my favorite nursery rhyme
I could scream your chorus until my voice grew tired
I wish I could grow tired
I never have energy, but it seems like I have enough to never stop chasing you
You're the only thing I think about, I can't stop
You're like a drug
You make me feel on top of the world, but I know you won't last forever and I'll be laying back in my bed wishing for more of you when you're gone
Maybe I need to stop thinking like that and just stop thinking about it in general and go with what feels right
Maybe I need to shut the **** up and just grab you by your waist and kiss you
Maybe I need to stop being afraid to
When I pass out you're all I see
My dreams are nothing but your hand in mine, and it kills me a little more each time I wake up and realize my fingers aren't touching yours
Although I wish we were more, I'm too scared to regret meeting you
As much as you drive me absolutely crazy, you're the only solution I've ever found to any of my problems
It isn't even a bad kind of crazy
It's the kind of crazy that makes me want to set everything aside and drive across the country with you with nothing besides our love, loud music, and the moonlight that'll chase us the entire way there
Maybe when you read this you'll call me up and ask me to get some coffee with you
I don't know why I'm kidding myself, I'm running after a ghost
Maybe I'm just too stubborn to actually speak up
Maybe you've been thrown back in my face this many times so I'll gather up the courage and ******* do something about it instead of write ****** poems about you

Maybe one day I will, but until I get the courage to do so, I'll just sit in my shower and cry about why I'm too afraid to and why I feel like something is holding me back

I love you so much
Do me a favor, baby, don't reply
I can dish it out, but I can't take it
I've been trained to love and love and love, but never allow myself to take love back in return
I've been so used to loving and hating at the same time that I can't imagine a world where loving someone else and myself at the same time is possible
I'm so used to carrying everything and everyone on my shoulders, even if I'm not trying to and they don't want me to
It's all I'm used to, what else could you expect me to do
Hot or cold, rain or snow, I am not a seasonal soul
I love you so much, I can dish it out, but I can't take it
Slow, fast, all at once, I find myself on the edge of your seat, and without a second thought, I am dying for you so you won't have to
I give myself the power to carry you, so much that I don't even want to plug myself in
My batteries could run out and I would still run to the ends of the earth for you
This is dangerous and I am reckless, you don't need to tell me twice, I'm an absolute lunatic
However when it comes to you, everything makes sense
I want to change and I want to be different for you
I'll do anything, just give me the go ahead
I can dish it out, but I want to take it

Every time I look into the mirror, I see someone different
I've been trying to find myself in other people for as long as I can remember
My body belongs to those who have shaped me
To the ones who have taken me by the hand and have taken me apart one by one, I present before you the one who was rebuilt by his surroundings and the ones who cared enough (or not so much) about their work

The forgetfulness in my bones stems from the girl I met in elementary school
She was so lackadaisical, you couldn't find a care in her world even if you tried your hardest
She taught me that it isn't always in your favor to care so much
That sometimes it isn't worth it to worry about everything or everyone else, especially if the situations or people are toxic to you

The boy I met in my 7th grade math class
He smoked cigarettes and liked to skateboard
I'd like to thank him for giving me the push I needed to stop caring so much about the way I looked and also for showing me that the words people say to me don't matter as much as I think they do
I don't talk to him much anymore, but I know he'd be disappointed by the fact that I've let such sadness and pessimism slip into my veins
Things were never simpler than when listening to loud punk music and skateboarding were the only things that mattered to me
I'd give anything to take myself back

I met a boy when I was 14 years old
He listened to cool music and played call of duty with me
He was my best friend
The more we grew up, the more we grew apart
His opinions started to differ from mine
His personality changed for the worse
He taught me that "depression is a sin" and I need to "find God" to rid myself of my sadness
He taught me that sometimes even the ones you love can slip away from you in the blink of an eye, but it isn't always a bad  thing

The girl I met my freshman year of highschool
She was short and full of steam that never seemed to come to an end
If rebellion had a face, it was definitely hers
She taught me that people can lie about anything as long as the ones listening to them care enough about them

But trust me, those were the least of my trust issues
The girl I met my junior year of highschool gave me such a different point of view about everything
She was older, so I thought she knew better
I thought things were different this time, better than they had ever been before her
Now my most vibrant memory of her is sitting in her driveway while she bawled her eyes out and cursed me for hours
Even though I wasn't in the wrong, I put myself in it and I stayed in it until I was forced out
She taught me that lust wears a costume
Sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's pretty
Sometimes it looks like love

I met a girl my senior year of highschool
The sunshine shimmered through her hair and the words she spoke were softer than a pillow after a long day of work
She had a lot of problems, but so did I
She taught me that it's not right for me to carry someone else's weight without being strong enough to lift my own
She taught me that love is a struggle and it can get extremely ugly if it isn't kept up with

I met a guy a few years ago
Through thick and thin, I know we have each other's back, no matter what
There are some people that you meet that you just know will be in your life for as long as you want them to be
They'll love you regardless of what you've been through, regardless of your opinions, and regardless of if you think badly about yourself
They will be here for you until the end, and he taught me to cherish real friendship; it isn't easy to come by

I met a girl when I was 15 years old
I didn't know it then, and I'm having a hard time contemplating it now, but I know she's something special
Through everything we have both been through, we always end up back together
It seems that we pop up in each other's lives when we need each other the most
She taught me that people who are meant to be in your life, will never leave it for good
They will always find a way back to you

As time went on and I thought things couldn't get any worse, I met my future
I met friends who cared about me
I met a newfound hope that I thought was extinguished years ago
I met happiness and I shook hands with it

From start to end, my life is a puzzle that I sometimes have a hard time finding the pieces to
I've found a few pieces so far, and others pieces haven't fit perfectly, but trial and error will get you through anything if you try hard enough

I've held up to this point, and I don't really see myself collapsing anytime soon

As much as life and I have a love-hate relationship, I don't think I'd change anything