i always hear it from others that time can heal anything. they said the sting in your heart will somehow leave after a series of sleeping with damp cheeks. the next thing you will notice is that you are back to continue your life as if those nights did not matter.
however, maybe that quote does not work with a lot of people because no matter how i distract myself to forget turn you as a happy memory, i am afraid i cannot.
i still remember the time when i didn't know a single thing about you. i thought you were just another beautiful face to look at but as the seasons came and through the blaring speakers, your pleading words made me understand who you are. you lured me into yours until i found a little piece of home in you. i found a sense of clarity within your thoughts because i liked the way we comfort ourselves into similar things. it's like you understood me and i understood you.
but i guess i was wrong.
that one time when i asked you if you were okay, i did not get an answer but i understood. i wanted to get a hold of your hand but my constellations that i wished connected us were miles away from reaching yours.
so the world continued to spin, the season changed into another, we continued to live our own. winter came, i kept my spirit warm because you told me so but yours became cold. it found freedom in the skies, wandering like a little kid.
i guess you liked it like that.
spring came and i was wrapped in my own world again. i started to write again and my sight was set straight on the piles of papers and texts that won't even matter in a few years. i suddenly remembered that you left some records in your room but i avoided listening to them. the voice that used to accompany and bring me comfort in the rain soaked me under the dark clouds of the sky.
you turned into something else.
you were no longer my muse,
you were no longer my love.
but no matter how i blind myself from the truth, i still miss you each and every day, when the rain comes, when the moon glisters at night and when the cold wind touches my face.
i guess i would not forget you since you will always keep me wondering what would happen if our worlds collided. at some point, i wish you were a part of mine. by that, maybe i could ask how you are doing or if you already had eaten your lunch whenever we see each other. maybe those would lessen the weight on your shoulders or ignite the fading fire in you but the universe was too whipped into other things.
i could've listened to you intently, memorizing how you lips move and the other features on your face that i wish you admired when you were still warm.
tonight, i listened to your old vinyls. i could still feel my eyes fill with such blue but the ache isn't there anymore. maybe time can really heal. maybe when autumn comes, i could finally turn you into a happy memory. maybe when the rain comes, i will find comfort again. maybe when the moon shines into a full one, i could look into the sky with a smile on my face. maybe when the cold breeze touches my face, i could feel that it is you.
i could hear millions of voices in this world but yours will always stand out.
because you will always be my muse,
and you will always be my love.
december 25, 2018.