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Mar 2014 · 2.9k
honesty.
calion Mar 2014
he claims to just be blatantly honest.
but he calls me lovely.
and compliments me.
and listens wholly.
and has extreme dysmorphia towards my weight.
and reads my poetry.
and compliments it.
and treats me as if I possess some sort of innate value.
and makes me feel secure.
---
was he lying about being honest?
or am I lying to myself about my value?
someone is lying, I'm just not sure who.
Mar 2014 · 1.2k
the biggest lie (10w)
calion Mar 2014
oh darling,
i'll never leave or abandon you!
I promise!
calion Mar 2014
a little girl, perhaps 5-6, sits in the meadow and picks flowers. she picks the flowers slowly, meticulously. she looks up and sees a beautiful teenaged girl, with a long flowing dress and short hair with splotches missing. the teenager sits with the little girl. "what happened to your hair?" the little one asks.

"once upon a time,
I picked flowers just like you.
but I picked them all."


the young girl listens and keeps picking her flowers.

"I met a boy who
promised I was beautiful
and made me feel so."


the teenager begin taking the flowers and winding them together. she grabs her knitting needles out of her handmade purse and continues working on a hat to keep her hands busy.

"he always told me
that my head was too pretty
for me to be sad."


"Did he love you?" the little girl asks, playing with her hands.

"perhaps he did, but
he never said that he did.
he never told me."


"after I ran out
of flowers, I began pull-
ing my long hair out."


"please don't end up like me." the teenager says, handing the girl the hat.
Mar 2014 · 463
I would never.
calion Mar 2014
my scars are faded.
I hate it.
I wish my scars could be permanent.
tattooed on my skin.
if my scars held more weight,
if they didn't fade after three hours,
I'd be satisfied.
nothing stays, ever.
everything leaves.

and when you consider leaving too,
just remember that
I would never
leave your health in the hands of a broken failure with a blade.
Mar 2014 · 586
abogado
calion Mar 2014
he is my lawyer
because I can talk
to him about my
'illegal' activity, but why
should love be illegal?

he is my doctor
because he can fix
me when I need
it. but why should
a girl be broken?

he is my everything
because I always seem
to be needing his
help. but why should
I trust him so?
abogado is spanish for lawyer.
Mar 2014 · 771
destructed. (10w)
calion Mar 2014
I'm too broken to be loved.
always too **** broken.
Mar 2014 · 456
coming out
calion Mar 2014
its like building a bridge.
step by step.
plank by plank.
person by person.
slowly you begin coming out:
to internet strangers
to work friends
to madisons
to close friends
and suddenly; it isn't scary.
calion Mar 2014
i cannot be mad because you are going to get love from a ***** with short shorts and high heels and tight tank tops.
i cannot be mad because you hang around this chick with ******* and long legs.
i cannot be mad because i am not your first choice.

i can just try harder.
Mar 2014 · 621
the hallway
calion Mar 2014
as I walk
out of

the door

i
see a girl.
hello there
old friend

been a-

while
since we've met
"Holly, are
you o-

kay?" she

asks
and i nod
leaving the
hallway.

a boy

sees
me too, and
asks the same
question.

hello

there
old torment-
er. thanks to
you, I

may nev-

er
be okay
he should be
ashamed

of hurt-

ing
someone be-
cause of their
weight. he

hurt me

ment-
ally and
emotion-
ally.

my thumb

tucks
in between
my first two
fingers

and my

head
ducks down as
i try to
hide my

self a-

way.
i keep walk-
ing and he
says, "What's

your prob-

lem?"
oh, it's you.
this is hecka old, 3/20/13
Mar 2014 · 703
he loves ruins.
calion Mar 2014
he doesn't like me for me.

he doesn't like me for my poetry.
he doesn't like me for my thoughts.
he doesn't like me for how i look.
he doesn't like me for how i act.
he doesn't like me for how i am.

he looks at me and sees not a person.

he looks at me and sees not a girl.
he looks at me and sees not a poet.
he looks at me and sees not a smart girl.

he sees a wasteland.

he sees a girl without love.
he sees broken skin and flaws.

he loves ruins.
he loves fixing people.

you can't fix everyone.
you can't fix a heart that has so many bandages on it that you can't tell what's latex and what's muscle.
you can't fix me unless i break even more.

do you want me to break more?
you love seeing me break.
that's kind of sad.
pathetic.
you love when i hate myself.
and i hate myself so you won't go away.
calion Mar 2014
allow yourself to
arrive at the checkpoint of
safe recovery
Mar 2014 · 567
let me explain. (haibun)
calion Mar 2014
I feel stupid for liking you. but you never gave me a chance to break away from you. you made me feel safe. I hate depending on you. my happiness should not depend on how much contact you give me.

I'm sorry for cling-
ing so tightly to you and
please don't be annoyed


oh darling you give me warmth and hope. I don't need you to love me, I just need comfort. you love me better than she did.
Mar 2014 · 243
tú recordaste. (10w)
calion Mar 2014
I like how you pay attention
to what I say.
Mar 2014 · 439
nunca leías mís poemas
calion Mar 2014
you never read my poems.

did you even know I wrote poems?

you knew I wrote short stories.
you wrote with me.

but poetry?
my very soul?
the thing that makes days, weeks, months, years, bearable?

you never read any of it.
you didn't care.

holly jeanette (you loved my middle name) you need to write more!

I wrote tons.
you didn't mean poems.
you meant stories that benefitted you, not me.
you never cared.
I was so afraid to share that big part of myself.

but you never asked.
I dropped subtle hints.
ugh, need a new poetry journal
I prefer poems to stories.
and once, hey babe, wanna read this thing I wrote?

but my poetry never appealed to you.
my poetry didn't do anything for you.
mís poemas te dejaste friá.

you never cared about the thing that made me happiest.
you cared only about the thing that you thought made me happiest, you.
Mar 2014 · 437
importance (10w)
calion Mar 2014
you make me feel like,
with you,
I am important
Mar 2014 · 609
my special one. (10w)
calion Mar 2014
he is the sun in
a world covered in darkness
Mar 2014 · 1.6k
restrict (10w)
calion Mar 2014
without food, and you,
maybe I will finally be beautiful
Mar 2014 · 1.1k
compose
calion Mar 2014
he creates music
in the way he plays
and the way his body awkwardly jerks away at contact.
the small frame moves away as if it is to be played marcato
and the piece (his body, that is) returns to maestoso
and she creates lyrics
in her notebook
and in her life.
everything has anaphora.
she writes lyrics that always begin him.
(everything in her life begins with him, she'd like to think.)
and everything is an example of apostrophe.
everything she does is directed at someone who won't care about her.
and when these two meet up,
when their bodies collide,
the most beautiful composition is created.
his moves alter between marcato (louder, forceful)
and maestoso (majestic, smooth)
and her lyrics are very anaphoric (oh, ****)
and everything is all for him.
Mar 2014 · 784
looking for suicide
calion Mar 2014
a small girl sits alone in a crowded room.
she watches groups of people have fun
and laugh
and forget about her.
she replays the thought that has haunted her for a while.
**** yourself, you're rather worthless.
she feels worthless.
she has a list of people she could talk to, but none of them are helping her.
she doesn't wanna ask for help, that makes her feel small and needy.
so she waits.
the girl is so busy looking for suicide that she never looks at the people who want to help her.
if she truly looked around, she'd see that suicide would not just hurt her.
but she's too busy looking for suicide to look for reasons to live.
Mar 2014 · 300
a ti (10w)
calion Mar 2014
I wanna know, and/or be,
your ***** little secret
calion Mar 2014
she's better,
but you being with her may **** me.
Mar 2014 · 439
binge (10w)
calion Mar 2014
5,000 calories does not make
you skinnier, only less empty
Mar 2014 · 256
I am you.
calion Mar 2014
you remind me of myself.
you make me remember how I was as a little naive girl.
I trusted all those who would listen.
I gave my heart away and never got any of it back.
and now I watch you.
you're on a strict no-food diet.
you say it makes you feel powerful, not eating.
but I know it makes you feel extra alone.
you drink coffee black because only important people get sugar and creamer.
you run every Wednesday, you say it helps you remember your marathon-running mom.
I know it helps you forget what he did.
I didn't go through what you did, but I know your lies.
I know, as I lied too.
Mar 2014 · 1.1k
how to accept yourself
calion Mar 2014
lose two grandmothers
begin panicking about death
eat to avoid panicking
get bullied every day
wear larger clothes than your mother
suffer from extreme dysmorphia
begin self harming
keep self harming
try to stop
keep going
begin cycling consumption
fail
write about how food is the only thing that hasn't left
get told by your mother to go to church
go to church
begin to get better
get worse
reject common beliefs of your church
become a red-letter Christian
fall in love
fall hard
move schools
pass mirrors
don't cry anymore
start dieting
not starving
dieting
lose seven pounds
realize weight doesn't define you
weight doesn't define you.
Feb 2014 · 287
il migliore
calion Feb 2014
you're like a prince
because you always
save me from my
demons. I have
so many demons
and they haunt me
at night and when
I let my guard
down. but I only
let my guard down
around you. some
how you save me
from yourself
Feb 2014 · 3.2k
energy?
calion Feb 2014
was it the energy drink
or the morning encouragement
that was making me giddy
at 6 in the morning?
Feb 2014 · 374
él fue buscar
calion Feb 2014
he went looking
for the girl
he had fallen for.
he needed to
explain, to make it
better.
he found her
in the local newspaper.
-
he went looking
for someone
to blame.
someone else,
anyone else.
he found it
when he found the note
-
he went looking
for the girl again.
he found her
at the bottom of the bridge
part two to ella fue buscar
Feb 2014 · 1.2k
ella fue buscar
calion Feb 2014
she went looking
for suicide
on the town's local bridge.
she found a boy instead.
he wasn't like her
but he was
looking for the
same thing.
they never found
suicide, but instead
solace in each other.
-
she went looking
for love
at her first date
with the boy.
she found his other
girlfriend instead.
she wasn't like her
but she was
looking for the
same thing.
neither of them found
love, but instead
rage towards the boy.
-
she went looking
for suicide again.
and this time,
she found it.
Feb 2014 · 291
you without me
calion Feb 2014
you are like a bowl of hot soup on a cold day.
everyone is awaiting you and everyone needs you.
there isn't a person who can deny you.
or like a big ice cream cone in the middle of summer.
everyone's favorite.
but i am the frostbite that leads to you in winter.
and the sunburn that you make seem better when it is hot.
unfortunately, people don't want me.
they only want you.
but yet, I am necessary.
you are not nearly as spectacular without me.
-h.m
Feb 2014 · 300
to you
calion Feb 2014
you care for me like a new mother cares for her young.
i do not deserve this care, but it is always given.
i wish that your love was as easy to obtain.
it is with honour and pride that you give out your love.
you only love those who are worthy, and i am not.
you care generously.
you love selectively.
i am not deserving of your care but i get it.
i am not deserving of your love and i don't get it.
Feb 2014 · 332
they never tell you
calion Feb 2014
everyone always has so many stories to tell.
they never tell you when they broke.
but everyone breaks.
(I've got the scars and the bruises to prove it.)
I wanna hear about when you broke.
I wanna hear about when your self-centered, egotistical shell broke.
when you let go of the tough façade that you've built.
when the vulnerability showed.
I need to know that a heart, a red bleeding heart, is in that chest.
I need to know you aren't empty.
Feb 2014 · 289
20 word poem
calion Feb 2014
he gives a permanent smile to all those who know him.
talking to him was like talking to a poem.
calion Feb 2014
My heart aches for you the way my stomach growls for food.
I've skipped three meals and three months of your love.
I'm giving up food the way I gave up on you.
You skipped meals the way you skipped our dates.
If I deprive myself, maybe I will be beautiful.
If I am beautiful, maybe this crazy relationship will rekindle.
But I mean, why did we think it could ever work?
Because an asexual/******, borderline/antisocial, Indiana/Florida relationship will never work.
I just should give up.
I'll forget you eventually, I'm sure.
I really hope I forget you.
Feb 2014 · 2.3k
sunglasses
calion Feb 2014
Your fallacy is that you care too much about the world. You have not seen the darkness in the world, therefore you trust it far too much. You are too naive to see how horrid the world is. But if you took off your goggles and saw how awful this world is, you would not and care for the world like you do.
You need to take your goggles off, for they hide the problems with the world. But you tell me I need to take my sunglasses off, for they make the world seem so much darker. You say the world has so much more to offer than what I am seeing. You see the world as such an amazing place and you don't understand how I cannot trust and care for the world like you do.
But maybe, maybe both of our views on the world are distorted. Maybe we're both seeing the world in a false light. Your positivity is actually very refreshing to me, and you say that my negativity makes sense to you. Maybe we could use each other's help to take off our sunglasses and goggles to see the world the way we're supposed to.
Feb 2014 · 1.5k
thunderstorms
calion Feb 2014
We are both just stupid kids.
But I often forget this
and compare you to things
much greater.
My favourite thing
to compare you to
is a thunderstorm.
You seem dark and gloomy,
but you release light in times of
incredible darkness.
And I will never be
the kind of girl
who hates thunderstorms.
Feb 2014 · 2.2k
tessellate
calion Feb 2014
We always joked that we wouldn't be **** buddies.
Anything involving *** will not work for an asexual.
We'd be cuddle buddies.
The second we'd meet up, we'd hug and cuddle.
We wouldn't do as most long distance 'couples' would.
We'd just cuddle.
Maybe I could finally fall asleep.
Something's changed between then and now.
You've changed.
When you stopped caring, I'm not sure.
But you did.
You stopped caring about me and that's okay.
Something got in between us.
Not just distance
I still can't help but think how nicely our bodies tessellated.
Even with 1047 miles between us.
Feb 2014 · 575
paintings
calion Feb 2014
i am to be kept hidden, like the painting you are least proud of.
while you show off your other masterpieces, i will be hidden away.
while everyone is complimenting your worst paintings, i will be hidden away.
while you give the other paintings the spotlight, i will be hidden away.
while art critics wonder where you keep your best painting, i will be hidden away.
because although i am not pretty like the other paintings, i am your best painting.
the one you are least proud of.

you are the world’s best painter.

and i am your best painting.

but no one sees me.

for you are not proud of me.

i'm not pretty like the other paintings.

i am dark.

i’m not perfect like the other paintings.

i am flawed.
and while everyone knows that they aren’t seeing your best painting, they applaud you for how beautiful they are.
they can not see the beauty of darkness.

they can not see the beauty of flaws.

but you can.
you’ve always been able to see my beauty.

and that is why you are not proud of me.
Feb 2014 · 203
sun and the rain
calion Feb 2014
you are the sun.
the one everyone wants to see.
the one that makes every day a little happier.
the one that brightens everything.
i am the rain.
the thing that brings everyone down.
the one that ruins people’s days.
the one that no one is looking forward to.
but the rain and the clouds can always hide the sun.
and i never want to hide you away.
Feb 2014 · 460
the better me
calion Feb 2014
you are the me i want to be.
you are the me that exemplifies the good and eliminates the bad.
you are the replacement.
i am the reflection in the mirror i cry over.
i am the me that has so few good qualities.
i am nothing.
you will always be the better me
Feb 2014 · 363
dirt
calion Feb 2014
I feel like I'm just dirt
dirt is lifted to the sky
the sky adores the tiny things
things are opposite this time
time has no effect on their love
love is given to him, not to her
her eyes are wet and she keeps trying
trying is for unsuccessful people
people never give her love
love is given to the youngest, not the oldest
the oldest is pushed into nothing
nothing can save her
her life is destroyed and
and this is why I am just dirt
Feb 2014 · 278
every damn time
calion Feb 2014
drops of blood across
the place she mutilated;
her fragile pale palm.

she looks around for
the boy who said he'd be there.
but where is he now?

and like an angel
(to her, he actually is)
he saves her at last
Jan 2014 · 527
darker side
calion Jan 2014
she lives alone
and can't you tell?
it's never known;
her secret hell.
by day,
all seems alright
she'll never say
what haunts at night
various demons
that we'll never view
seem quite meaningless
to me and you
in the dark, secrets hide
for we all have a darker side.
I hate poetry that rhymes. I asked someone to give me a prompt/topic and he gave me the last stanza. he also gave my criticism
Jan 2014 · 355
Miss Movin On
calion Jan 2014
i will get over you
i can do this
you aren't that great
i put you on a pedestal
i
can
get
over
you
calion Jan 2014
you were beautiful
but you lost the ability
to see that you were

you had class and charm
but a mirror never shows any-
thing but the outside

you were only hers
but April never brought any
good, only heartbreak
Dec 2013 · 607
dark blue hanes.
calion Dec 2013
he had gray vans
and khakis
and a gray jumper
and brown eyes
and brown hair
and tan skin.
but all I wanted
to see on him
were those
dark blue hanes.
Dec 2013 · 20.3k
bravery.
calion Dec 2013
bravery is not just going into war or running into a burning building.
bravery is also standing on a stage.
or giving up your sharps.
or eating in front of people.
or singing.
bravery has many different forms.
Dec 2013 · 401
abril
calion Dec 2013
April was the beginning of the end for him
and a new beginning for her.
you forever, always you
Dec 2013 · 659
a is not for auto.
calion Dec 2013
every time
i hear someone
talk about
asexuality
they confuse
it with
autosexuality
and this adds
to why
i don't want
to come out
calion Dec 2013
i am not real
i am queer
i am barely female
i like girl hearts and boy hearts but neither girl parts nor boy parts
i am queer; therefore i am not real
he wants a girl
a normal girl
not a queer child
i am queer
i am not alive
i am not here
i am queer
and i don't see others as queer
i am the only queer and therefore i should not be alive
i am queer
most personal piece I've written in a long while, but needed
Dec 2013 · 335
hell and back
calion Dec 2013
you've obviously sailed the toughest seas.
you've been through hell and back.
you have been addicted to drugs and the rush of being kissed.
and for you to have found faith in the God whose people abandoned you is incredible.
it's almost enough for me to find my faith again.
almost.
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