I wish you the best
Along with your death
Scars fading just like your
kisses, Coated with a love filled hatred

The day we first met
The night burned bright
The moon lighting that first
Laced joint, tainted by tears
Of your shattered heart
Kept alive by a little girl
Asking if you're alright
She was me at age 9
Just wanting to see you
Smile

We grew to realize we weren't so different
Pushed away by those we only wanted
To make proud
We'd stay up late and smile
That we'd finally found someone
Who understood how it felt to
Be alone and starved for a love
That was more than just
Touch

Grade eight the love started
Innocence of
Colliding lips blowing
Smoke of putrid chemicals
Acid burning through their tongues
THC thicker than our blood
Laughing at the people who
Thought they were better than us
They weren't
We were the king and queen of chaos
Collecting the shells of shattered
Beings and  making them alive
Again
An angry army of
Broken hearts and high minds

The first slap came
Five months in love
In the school halls
Everyone stopped and stared
I just laughed and so did they
You didn't
You stared at your hand
As if it had acted on its own
I pretended it didn't happen even though my
Friends warned me that
This was only the beginning
I should have listened
Why didn't I listen?

Was I blinded by love or was it
Fear?
I think it was love
You were everything to me
My heart
My soul
My future

High school came
And brought around change
He got me to do
More than I ever wanted
Dmt
Shrooms
Pills
The rest
My life became a pool of
****** up lies and a disguise
Made of a chipping smile
And dying eyes

His world scared me
Intoxicated me
Brought me to tears
Annihilated me
It was beautiful
I never felt more alive

The slaps continued
Got worse
I stayed because
I knew he loved me
He loved me
Right?

He wouldn't have
Held me all those nights
Kept me alive
Healed my cuts
And sewed me back
Together

Then came the day
His fingers curled around my throat
In front of
All those who had warned me
All except one
She hadnt known
I told him to leave
I let him go
It was too much
Too much
Imsorry

To this day
The pain still shows
The memories remain
I'll never understand
What I did wrong
Did I do wrong?

Was it my fault?
Was I not enough?
Were my hands too much?
Did my touch burn right through your skin
Into the wounds on your guts?

I made the blood
Boil and burn
Till your bones became nothing
But charred ashes
That burned holes through your heart
Scared you weren't good enough
Scared I would leave
That you weren't enough

But god did we try
We tried to stay alive
On a love built from pain
Brought on by those
We
Just
Wanted
To
Love

I see the water, light penetrates
deep in to the abyss. Lost in
the darkness, sinking
ever deeper as my eyes
glance the shards of light
wanting to climb these steps
to the surface but grasp  on
to liquid just shadows
a trick in my mind.

My lungs pray for air, but
are betrayed by breath that is
liquid death, as it fills I panic
for a moment then I am at peace.
No fighting as I would only hasten
my demise in this coffin of water.

I am alone as I move no more, as
my life leaves me, I fall asleep never
to be woken to sleep in this my watery grave.

x

You asked me what I want
But how do you mean?

Like a wish?
Because it's always been a dream of mine
to fly with my own wings
or to control time
so that maybe I'd get enough sleep
and I could draw out the memorable moments until I'm sick of them
and then
maybe
sometimes when I need a break I could just stop everything
and focus on the serene silence of a world frozen in place

But does this wish have to obey the rules of this reality?
because if that were the case
then I could wish for the attention of that one boy
the one with the electricity in his fingertips
and that might temporarily please me

Or I could wish myself convenience
I could wish that my hoodie strings never crept uneven
I could wish that my nails stayed short and neat
so I didn't have to cut them
I could even wish that I knew everything there was to know

Or I could wish for something to better the world
I could wish that natural disasters were a myth
I could wish that 'pretty' didn't mean anything more than the empty breath of air and intangible vibrations that it actually is
That it didn't have any more impact than 6 letters of graphite should

Or I could wish for something to better myself
I could wish for better handwriting
so maybe I can convince myself that my words are worth the paper they stain
Or I could wish for endurance
Or effortless conversation skills
Or pristine work ethic-
something I can use to my advantage in the future to ensure success.

Or I could just wish for success.
I could wish for the job of my dreams
endless money
the perfect family
but where's the fun in that?

I could even use my wish to help someone else
cure someone of their terminal cancer
Hell-
I could wish up a cure for cancer!

I could wish that mosquitoes didn't exist
or that I had a photographic memory
or that I lived somewhere I could wear flip flops in January
or that I would never age, never feel pain
I could wish for an A on my next science test
or that poverty inversely reflect humanity

But you know what I think?
I think it's human nature to feel discontent
and I think
that's vital
to the evolution of the human race

I think that we need it
to continue
to grow
and better ourselves

So what do I want?
What's my one wish?

I wish that I could believe in the magic of the stars peeking through tonight's sky

just like the man on the moon
when i yell for help
no one hears
but the endless emptiness
of space