Some days, I wake up and i just don’t feel pretty. I don’t know what it is, whether its the food that i eat or the drinks that i drink or the things that i do try to enjoy. I get up, and look in the mirror, and i just hate the image staring back at me.
I mean, it isn’t like i think im grotesque, it isn’t like i genuinely believe that i am repulsive, i just cannot get over the fact that, my skin is marred, what once was flawless is now scarred. i cannot see past the blur that i see in my eyes, the haze on my soul.
Some days, i wake up, and i just want to get high, and lie, in the rain instead on lying to myself that everything is how it should be, that destiny and fate have me in just the right position. That i am exactly where i need to be, but i truly do not see where this is going.
I mean, what am i doing? and where am i to go, when i dont see my future laid out like a yellow brick road. I joke about needing sunglasses because my future is that bright, but im blinded by the fact that i truly have no idea, where i am, let alone whats coming next.
Some days, i block out my past, by creating a swirling ball of white nothing, and feed my thoughts, my life, my worst times into the light so i dont have to twitch and cringe as my mistakes flash before my sight. It is difficult to live with such regret, and can i keep going.
I mean, it feels like fire through my brain when some of my best memories are those i have when i am alone. because when i am around others, no matter who they are, i hate what i do, what i have said and what my next move will be.
Some days, i feel like falling into the sun, and burn to a crisp. To see my pale bones char and flash into ashes because i hate who i have become. i want to escape the world, if just for a time, to stop existing but not to die. its a break of sorts from having to think, for all else i see, hear, smell, taste is to much and pushes me to the brink.
Some days, i have to whisper my own sweet nothings, to myself, knowing of course that no one else will. its not that everyone hates me, but i dont know its true, that for want of a companion my loneliness grew. It seems no ones approaches for reasons i do not know, i do my absolute best to make others smile and that seems to channel a raging torrent of, you’re not worth my time.
I mean, i truly despise the opinions of others and loathe that i care what they think. It doesnt make sense that they have so much weight, so much say, in how i view myself. i know its not right, and i know that its wrong, but i cannot stop myself no matter what.
Some days, i am my own person i tell myself, but i know its a lie, im itty bitty pieces of every other guy, and girl. traits and mannerism i admire, ive tried to replicate, a chameleon uncomfortable in their own skin, itching and scratching and doing their “best”.
I mean, its not my best, that i know for truth. what is my best? do i or will i ever know? probably not, for since the beginning of memory ive imitated and copied and imprinted personality parts, i havent been my own person for a very long time.
Some days. I wish it were not so frequent. Some days. I wish for silence. From my Thoughts. From my Feelings. From the boisterous noise that is life. I need to stop and i need to sleep. I just need to know i havent fallen in too deep. There may come a day where i do see the light, when my futures ember bursts into bright white.
But for now i know that tomorrow when i wake, ill look in the mirror and stare and say ‘you know what...today is okay’