im getting sick of the crazy
sick of the never ending reminders
of what has passed and what is yet to come
the fear of rejection that i know is irrational
the loss that i feel isnt that deep but i feel it is

What can i do truly to make this go away
who is to know but me
forever relying on my best friend to always
help me out of situation i dont know how to deal with
this reliance is terrible and debilitating

what once was so beautiful an escape has now
turned into something i cant realise
or escape from, these thoughts of pain
something i held so dearly now anything is just a reminder of the hell im fleeing

these friends i called friends and still see as friends arent what i thought of as friend but these friends are just my pained rememberances of what i consider friend and just feel like a loss, a void of friends

i have one friend that i rely upon to be my voice
reasoning to make it seem like i can do better that i
dont need those people that havent been around for years but now
seem to have been around forever but are my reminders of pain

that friend has almost always been there
and they are great and amazing but not what i long for
which is release so i don’t have to drown my sorrows with a bottle
of numbness and forgetting which i know i do best but is it enough at this point

to just forget and forgive and rely on new memories to swallow the old
has that ever helped before, no it’s only caused lonely and sleepless nights
nights to forget and dissolve what i feel and hold close

my heart my health my mind cannot deal with it
but i strive with this positive attitude in order to survive what once
was a forgiving world that allowed weakness but now
that im older, not even that old, the pain breaks through and makes
things oh so difficult

if only things could change and i could rely on no one but myself
but that takes time that i do not have access to yet
if only i could push these memories and thoughts away
i could thrive in this life of agony

but then...i would not be myself

suffering.