the gateway to the heart
lost in a blink
but the passion remains
look at me
become one with me
keep your eyes on me
stay right here
don’t lose the gaze
i only start to fall in love
more every glance
watch me as you
make love to me
you’re in control
can you see it
in my eyes?
i’m all yours tonight
and tomorrow
and eternally
just keep looking
into my soul
feel the vibrations
start to turn towards you
stay on my wavelength
let’s just stay
right where we are
but im lost in yours
but are you lost
in my eyes?

i lay here
i expect the tears to work themselves out
but they refrain from doing so.
time keeps moving
i can feel the days getting shorter.
as i’ve tried to cut it short
it never worked.
the world has its way
of getting what it wants
but yet i’m stuck in feeling
moving through the motions
of the pattern i’m stuck in.
days feel meaningless
but i keep going
as much as i don’t want to.
the feelings i’ve suppressed
have kept themselves contained
until now.
this flood of emotions
feels like i’m drowning
i can hardly keep my head
above the crashing waves
of reality, hardships, and pain.
this empty pain
lurks and stays behind my mind.
the cries for help
are more like whispers for assistance.
i distribute help as if it was overflowing
but i’m the one who needs it most.
i beg for this feeling to end
i beg for a new start or a do over
accepting this hurt has been the worse.
if i could bring back
the joyful little girl
that i once was
maybe things would be different.
it’s time to take back my own life
and replace this empty
with something to fill that void.
i just want to feel something
once again.

As an adult
I spend my time
Reflecting on my past
I was a happy child
I had a happy family
We weren’t rich
But there was a lot of love

Something changed when I turned 13.
My chest grew,
I wore makeup,
I bleached my hair,
My curves started to show.
My mother began to hate me.

Torment began to fill my time.
She tells me she loves me
more than anyone in the world,
but belittles me and infantilizes me.

How was I supposed to earn
the love of my mother
when she kept
getting jealous of me.

She never let me
leave the house
I had to keep
my life private
to protect myself
from judgement,
aching, and pain.

she made me feel small
so I kept quiet.

I told her a couple months ago
I was going to start therapy
she asked me what was wrong
and I told her I’m scared
to leave the house.

Sometimes I try to leave
And I’m 13 all over again.

I've known you for 175 days now
and each day I get closer to telling you "I love you".
I've rushed nearly every relationship until now.
Every time you say something witty or sweet,
I hold myself back from saying it too soon.
You're charming, but I'm staying strong.
I know life is short but I have a good feeling
that this is going to last even longer.
You make me a better person each time I see you.
I go out of my way to do anything I can for you.
Although neither one of us has said it to the other,
I know you love me too.

i fall hard and i fall fast
though i find it hard to admit
i’ve loved over a hundred times
and each time i only love more
maybe the depth only comes with age
i’ve given love to those who deserve it least
a ****** high school boyfriend
family members who never make an effort
somehow i not only keep loving
my love only gets stronger
sometimes it is far from reciprocated
i only hurt myself more by loving harder
i don’t see it ever changing
will the hurting come to an end
if i try to love even more than the last time?

people stereotype children with innocence
but what is a child with their innocence taken?
merely an adult in the shell of a child.
hello, i’m your average child with the mindset of someone in their mid 40s
my childhood was brief unlike those of my peers.
i knew the troubles and the pain and they didn’t
i knew the pleasures and the mistakes
i knew the wrongs and the rights
i knew the rebuilding and recovery.
i used to cling to what was left of my childhood
now i have finally accepted that it’s over
hello, i’m still your grown-up child.
i understand complex things
i can read a situation faster than that novel you picked up a year ago.
i can find my way out of trouble
i know how to defend myself
i’ve grown up fearing what i knew
i’ve grown up trying to find others like me
i cling to the fellow broken kids
i cling to what i know.

Hello Dad
It’s been four months
Did you get my call?
I’m worried about you
I’m sorry I didn’t answer

Hey Dad
I’m sorry I messed up
Please forgive me
It’s been a year
I miss you

Hi Dad
I know you’re struggling
Please call me
You don’t have to be alone
I’m right here

Dad
Pick up the phone
It’s been too long
You’re drowning yourself in beer
I should’ve answered.

i’m gasping for air in the only place i’m welcome
let me out! let me out!
nobody can hear me screaming!
i’m stuck in this brick box!

I know you never wanted me.
I’m the mistake you couldn’t buy your way out of.
you played the victim for my existence.
you brought me into this broken world.
you could’ve stopped.
countless days at the bar
leaving me home alone.
watching as a new woman
made her way to your bed sheets
time and time again.
hearing the impure things
from a bunk bed in a dark room.
crying and begging to leave.
the only person i trusted was nowhere
mom? mom? where are you?
as my bed turned into the couch
i spent my days watching hours of the news.
i didn’t understand much at 4 years old.
inviting your friends over for drinks
seemed innocent at first, right?
until you left me alone with one of them.
you let him do this.
you left me alone.
i was just a child.
you knew better.
but you simply didn’t care.
you were never the victim.
how’s it feel, dad?

The first time I felt like
the center of attention
Was my own wedding
I have lived ages wondering
If truly something was wrong.
If it was my appearance,
The manner in which i speak,
The language that i use,
Or perhaps I was too shy.
I have never had so many
People eager to speak to me
Pulling me aside
Trying to grab my attention.
But as soon as I turn my head
They rush to greet her
They thank her for her time
They can’t let her get back to it
I had never felt so seen
Or loved on my wedding day
But that only reminded me
That I am the shadow
Behind the woman who birthed me.

It’s hard knowing
that you’re happy now.

I spent so many days
feeling the pain
caused by you.

I had hoped to
figure out how
to leave and forget.

But now that I know
that you’re happy,
it breaks me.

I’m happy and
I asked for the split
but knowing
I suffered at the hands
of someone who
gets to be happy
feels like a knife
through the back

I wish they all knew
what you did to me.

It makes sense.
It makes complete sense.
Like day turning into night,
like water running in a creek,
like a hot bath after a cold day.
It feels more than correct, it can't be any other way.

A part of you feels missing,
when they're not around.
I don't just mentally crave it,
my body feels lifeless and dull,
longing for them again.

Checking the time,
counting the seconds,
waiting until they're back
happens without realization.

Being in love is the strongest thing.
The most powerful feeling.
when they're away,
the entire world feels wrong,
because it only feels right with them.

Some part of me knows
I’ll never be able
to shake the thought
of disappointing him,
even though I
hardly know him.
Though I inherited
his height and hands,
I feel polar opposite
most of the time.
How can someone
who gave me
half of me,
hardly know me at all?
But more so,
why do I care
about making
a stranger be
proud of me?

I know it isn’t my fault
Genetically I shouldn’t be here
But now that it’s apparent
That my body isn’t
Capable of its sole purpose
The weight of that sinks me
I will never know
What it is like to be
Carrying someone inside
Or feeling the kick
Or nursing its body
I will never experience
True motherhood
I can replicate the feeling
But I will never have it
Why can’t I do
The one thing I’m meant to
I sit here in grief
Of all the babies
I’ll never have.
I bring joy to others
That experience it
But I silently feel
My own emptiness.