when I picture my future
you're in it
as a consoling
comforting
friend

when I picture my future
you're in it
as
mine
smiling at me
loving me

when I picture my future
you're in it
over long distant phone
calls and bittersweet
memories

when I picture my future
you're in it
walking away with
half my heart
leaving me half
of yours

when I picture my future
I
feel pain
sadness
love
joy
but no regret

because

when I picture my future
you're in it

I love this time of year
seducing the nights of November
faintly hearing my past self praying to my present
most of my skin bare, colliding with the falls frosty air
I can see the stars but feel the effortless boundaries of gravity
pounding
yet its somewhat comforting knowing I am contained

I become more human than spirit
with senses intact
and in truth, it feels good, feels present
to have the soul and mind separated

my human wrappings can still inhale the world and feel the touch of the dead
but it suppresses eternity
suffocates the inner philosopher that analyzes everything as more than known..seen

it hears the time ticking, senses the warmth of the clocks arms
feels the weight of the choices

In my present self, in my flesh, my skin
I can feel the beautiful ecstasy

of simply

sitting on my rooftop

and drinking white wine.

13
first kiss
with a boy
man?
drinks in our
blood..
so
young....

14
second base
groped me
high on
hate
so
numb

15
our lips
weren't used
for kissing
I've had enough
so
done

16
self respecting
and confident
loving...
finally
so
happy

17
Just kidding
That was a dream
a temporary fantasy
Torn by real love

17.5
Real love
What I would give
To not know your
Sweetest remedy
20
Love within myself
Is the sweetest I have known

I thought
Hate
Was like chickenpox
Now I think it's more like
******

I use to protect you
stepped on eggshells
around you

I would lie
for you
lie to you
I'd put you
before me

hate who you
hated
loved who you
loved

I tried to save you
I sacrificed my life
my emotions
morals
all
for
you

turned out
I broke you
even more
than before
and I broke
myself
too

I made you
think yourself
more than
you are
and made myself believe
it too

I blinded you
with good
intentions
and hurt myself
with bad
ones

my friend
I am very sorry
I killed you
with love
and fixed
myself with
hate

I live in a house
that is not a home
and never will be
my mother tries to understand why
why do you not feel at home?
what did we do wrong?
well to tell you the truth

the walls feel confining
but it was not the architects mistake

the rooms seemed unloved
unlived in
but not because you didn't
love me

the floor seems to ache like my bones
but that isn't because the home is old

I feel uncomfortable in this house
you tried so hard to make a home
because to me
home is where your heart lies
and my heart roams
free

my home is the trees
and the sun
the cool breeze
the warm soft dirt
the sun baked raspberries
and chewed up sweet peas

my home is the
tears that have fallen
the lessons that were learned
(repeatedly)
the smiles that we have shared
laughs and snorts
love and hate

my home is the world
and this house is indeed
a part of the earth
but my dearest mother
it will never be my home.

I stare at you
from across the room
We're friends but the line is somewhat blurred
By stupid words said in the wisest of times
I fell in lust with you but you didn't lust me too
So I sold my innocence upon a man who didn't know what he had taken
Now I'm left without the crave of touch but instead the need for love
And undeniably true
I still look to you

My lies use to fill my mind
I use to shove them aside
My icy interior
Could never hear
The lies screaming
And teasing
So I smiled on
Believing my guilt was gone

Now my lies
Aren't afraid to hide
They burn my soul
Try to eat me whole
Their silence is loud
And they sit very proud
That they made me see
Just how mean I can be

Is it true
That if I wish to love you
Eventually I'll loathe you too?

Is it true
All my prayers
Just fill up empty air?

Is it true
Life is a grand game
Only won with the cost of pain?

Is it true
That you are I
And I are you?

Is it true
That the truth
Is never true?