As I watch the people scurry around me
Like ants in a maze
Living the lives they believe are their own,
I wonder if they can even fathom
All the lies and secrets that surround them?

Our world has turned into a place
That feeds on lies
And treats honesty like a crime,
A crime deserving of immense punishment.

Lies end in reward.
Honesty in scorn.
I loathe the liars,
For they are cowards.

While honesty may hurt now,
A lie will grow and spread like a wildfire,
Like a disease,
Lethal to all those who come in contact with it.

I am not immune to this disease.
On the contrary,
I am a carrier of it.

I’ve always been told
My honesty and abruptness get me into trouble,
But I would rather be openly criticized
To my face for my honesty
Then have people feed and thrive on my lies.

They say “revenge is a dish best served cold.”
Lucky for me, my emotions can never just go into hiding.
They are always front and center
Just waiting to be poked and prodded,
A fire ready to ignite and consume.

Afraid
Of the unknown
Of what lies ahead
Of the things I can't control
Of the things I can control
Of the things that might change my life
Of my life never changing
Of failure
Of success
Of something terrible happening
Of something wonderful happening
Of nothing happening
Of my life being meaningless
Of my life having purpose
Of never finding happiness
Of never finding myself
Of life.
I am afraid of everything and nothing.

You doubt yourself because others doubt you.
You doubt that you are good enough, smart enough.
You doubt that you can get through college.
You doubt that you could be the first in your family to graduate.

It hurts me to see you doubt yourself.
You who have so much to offer the world.
It hurts me to see your own friends doubt you.
Do they not realize how their thoughts and actions affect you?

Creating goals for oneself does not mean you are setting yourself up for failure.
However without people around you who believe in you,
It is understandable why you can't believe in yourself.
But I believe in you.

I believe if you set your mind to it you can do great things.
I believe you can graduate from college.
I believe you are better than what others think of you.
I believe you are better than what you think of yourself.

If only I could tell you all of these things.
If only you would believe me.
If only you could see what I see.
If only you could see all that you could be.

I want to drown
Drown in the sound of your voice
Voice I hear resounding in my head
Head that is filled with a million thoughts
Thoughts that stem from unanswered questions
Questions that fear responses
Responses that that will never fulfill me
Me who sits constantly talking to myself
Myself who is my greatest enemy
Enemy of my heart
Heart which is pulled deeper
Deeper into pain
Pain which is caused by refusing to let go
Go where I know I shouldn’t
Shouldn’t lead myself on
On to what ifs
What ifs that I know are impossible
Impossible yet seem so real in my dreams
Dreams that refuse to let me see reality
Reality that I don’t want to believe
Believe that the past is behind us
Us which will never be
Be what I imagine it in my head
Head that holds the secrets of my heart
Heart which won’t go of you
You which let go of me
Me who can only rely on I

I long to be with others
To feel the comfort of a warm body
Sitting next to me
Lying next to me

When I am alone
I feel left out
Unwanted
Foresaken
Forgotten

Sitting in my tiny room
For hours on end
With nothing
But the light from the screen
The warmth of the monitor
To keep me company

But then when I am invited
To a movie
Or a game of basketball
My heart pulls me back
To the quietness of my room
The serenity that it bears

I long for kinship
To be included
But I also long for solidarity
For the warmth of my bed
A moment alone with my thoughts

For one who is so desperate
To find a place in this world
In this school and this life
Why do I resort to loneliness
And find comfort in it

Maybe I only favor loneliness
When it is a choice
Instead of a chasm
I have been thrown into
And can not escape

What am I?
Loner or Alone

You fall hard,
Not for the person,
But for the idea.
The chase is more fun.
Flirting, teasing, suspense.
Of not knowing what they’re thinking
And hoping they like you
More than you like them.
But once they like you more,
You feel whatever.
It’s cool, moving on.
But then they do move on,
And then you wonder
If you missed out on something great.
You overthink everything you said or did.
Because maybe just maybe they are the person for you,
And you messed everything up by playing the game
You thought you were supposed to play.
Because that’s how life works.
You only want someone until they want you back
And once they don’t want you
You want them more than you ever wanted them before.
You fall in love with an idea.
The idea of being happy,
The idea of love.
But in reality you only crave the attention,
The attention you probably don’t deserve.
Which makes you crave it more
Because now that other person probably found someone they like better.
Better than you.
Prettier than you.
More charming than you.
Someone who actually likes them for who they are.
So you put them down to make yourself feel better
Because there is no way she is better than you.
Prettier than you.
More charming than you.
If she even exists.
I wonder if she exists.
God, what is wrong with me?
Overthinking is a dangerous road.
Don’t fall into the trap.

Shock and awe
I begin to thaw
The harsh reality
Of a year of insanity

Change is the name
Happiness is the game
I was stuck in the past
Moving too fast

Love was not lost
But it came at a cost
True love does not fade
It ebbs and it wades

Do not become rotten
What's done is forgotten
Forgiveness isn't earned
It is something that is learned

It is not deserved
But He still served
Live and let go
Smile let it show

A minute
A minute is all I have to write this poem
To write this rhyme
To live this life.

Tears fall like diamonds
Flowers float away
The sun is brightly shining
The world slowly decays

Life is but a secret
A story your regret
I only had a minute
But I haven't finished yet.

I'm in love with the idea of you.
So let me know if that idea is true.
What's behind those eyes of baby blue?

For the image you keep is quiet pristine,
Handsome, strong, and squeaky clean.

So while you have all the check marks on my list,
I need to know the true you if I may persist.

I don't want these feelings to be merely a crush.
But boy, that smile of yours turns me to mush.

With your golden locks and casual air,
Try though I may, I can't help but stare.

I just want to hug you and run my fingers through your hair.
And if you don't mind, call you my big teddy bear.

Crushes are stupid. They make me feel lame.
Because getting your attention just seems like a game.

A smile's worth a hundred points, a wave plus two or three,
But minus ten for when you look away without even noticing me.

Acquaintances barely friends, that's all I am to you,
But I still hope that one day, I'll find out what's behind those baby blues.

I hate all nighters
Stress and anxiety ****
I give up, good night.