fragile as a snail shell
i am
paper-thin layer
my body-shell
your words
break me
raw inside
fragile outside
step
with
care

psychosis
psychotic
words i once was frightened by
now i'm touched by
physically felt by
wondering when i'll be brushed by them again
a child with a mind turned completely backwards
it must be your fault, he says
you must be one pretty messed up mother to have a child like me, he says
maybe
just, maybe
he
is
right

you sit there
small, but so large
quiet, but with a novel of words written all over your face
folded in, but crying out
a man, but still a little boy
my little boy
rebelling against this curse on your mind
alone in your misery
i'm here, i'm trying so hard to understand
i feel your pain
your pain is my own sickness
your misery is my misery
there is light at the end
there is lightness to the weight you're feeling right now
let me lift the weight for a while
let me carry it until we find the answer
i'm searching so hard for the answer
until then, please let me carry some of it
i'll make it my weight and my burden
my own curse
until it's solved

day-lily at night
just before the crack of dawn
neo-soft petals
curled up
hesitantly
unraveling
undulating
as i unfold
in the muted sunstream
gently awakening
to the world
with soft sighs
and quiet hopes for the day

baffled
bruised
wasted
burning inside
vascillating between
hiding
or running
with full armor on
straight into the storm
afraid of
what is to come
but
wanting it just over already
praying for
mercy
when the storm
hits
show
no
fear

lie to me
like you do
so beautifully
I'll believe
because I want to believe
draw the lacy-love-shades
over my knowing eyes
for a little while longer
it's easier to go on believing
than to face the piercing
awful
truth

they're in here
all inside
butterflies
crows
sparrows
flutter against my ribcage
like it's a prison wall or something
but it's just my humanity
not a jail cell
but they flutter, flit, spiral, fly
like they're trapped
it's not a true prison
they could escape
float and spread outside
somewhere beyond me
but I trap them
keep them trapped
deep in my center
afraid to let them out
fully free them
afraid of what others will think
they'll judge
I know they will
so, fearfully I keep them
"protect" them
I say
protection is another word for
oppression
but, protection sounds better
so, they're protected
deep inside the core and center
of me
amy thinks she knows me
jill thinks I'm a straight and narrow chick
kathy's sure I'm that certain type
but
the wild, flying beasts
deep, deep inside
are olive, scarlet, black, pear
earthy, volatile, scattered, rare
ever so rare
and hidden
hide, I feel I must
until
one
breaks
through
the wall I've worked so hard to build
inevitable
inevitably
one will
escape
free

warm, floaty, light-yet-heavy
you make me feel
normal
high
above-it-all
chemistry
to the
nth
degree
short
reprise from
life's reality
me joined with
you

poetry isn't love
true poetry isn't false love-words
poetry is the ugly, folded in with the beauty, entwined with the sordid, enveloped by the twisted, laced with light and dewy pontifications on what life and love want to be, sometimes are and more often, will never be.
enough with your over-the-top, Shakespearean dronings-on...tell me how you really feel.

a turn of the head
an accidental brush of lip
on lip
of breast on chest
and breath on breath
eyes lock
retina lock
hand on thigh
hand on waist
breathe
yes?
no...
please?
go...go...before I think, just go
and do
heat, hot, breath on breath
hard and soft
don't think
just do
feel
be
two
one

breakable
fragile
you
are
breakable
fallible
you
are
i
want
to
not
want
but
i
do

Militant, cursing, ruling, ordering
telling me what to do
how to do
when and where to do
I do
What I want
You tell me what to want
but, I do what I want
and will
not
listen
to
you

running, raging, store to store
buying, selling, getting more
more and more to give and get
deeper, deeper into debt
false smile here, fake laugh there
****-santa in a chair
"merry christmas, tom and sue!"
what i really mean is, "*******!"
frenzied music fills the air
blinking lights, garrish stars
liquor, beer to soothe the scars
soon it will be over
this mad rush
happy holidays, from this jaded lush!

Always on the surface
just on the edge
ready to spill
over
emotions always boiling
bubbling
churning
strong ocean waves
spinning
coiling
curling
waiting
must hold them in
deep in
hide
protect
so noone sees
always hiding them
so noone sees
my secret

You weave cobwebs
With your smooth words
With your touch and kiss
You hope to wipe away
The memory of how
You chose it over me
And still choose over me
Pursue like a lover
You can't seem to get enough of
And I'm jealous as hell
And sick to my stomach
Disbelieving that
A high means more to you
Than me

your face
in my face
all the ******* time
your breath
in my nose
your hands
on me
your smell
too near
always in my space
go!

You sew a nest of thorned branches
Wrap me tight within
You think I'll stay tied down
Tied to you
You think if you wrap tightly enough
I'll stay
You pick and pull at my fragile down
The tender under-side
You know exactly where to pick
You know if you pry and ***** there
I'll break
You're wrong, though
I look frail, I look weak, I look broken
I'm not
And you're wrong
Underneath those thorned branches
Underneath the prison-nest you wove
My wings are strong
And my wings are ready for flight
And when I'm ready
I'll fly
Far
Away

Metal wire wrapped 'round; barbs and ******
Compressed, depressed breathing
And, and panic
And I tell myself, it will be all right, and I tell myself to just breathe
Breathe deep
I console and cajole
I convince and soothe
I am an iron rod
On my own
By myself
Me

blue-green hiding under a veil of vellum
pulsating and fragile
razor-sharp, sliver of silver
turns blue-green to red
paper white skin
blue-green to bing-red
cascading over white
peace is fleeting
darkness
light

It's fine
It's all just ******* fine
I'm fine
I'm really ******* fine
My heart is a trampled, stomped on mess
I sprint and weave to get away from the rest
I pray and curse and wish and sigh
I dream and come and sleep and cry
I sip and gulp to steep the highs
And image a simpler, healthier life

You poke and **** and spear and rant
You stab and smear and spike and blaze
You glare and burn and ***** and peel
And I 'm done with your acrid, scouring gaze
I'm done with your lies and cheating way
I'm done with your lifting, lofty speech
And your hubris, cheap and tinny speak
I give and gave and bled and wept
I toiled and tapped and printed and prepped
And now there is nothing
There's nothing left

You drift and pull me, drift and pull me back, like the tide
I drift, pull back, drift, pull, drift then pull
I try to stay steady, calm and impassive
But you pull, and your pull is stronger than I
And your pull is so strong, and so convincing, and it's so persuading
And you're so persuasive
I'm so convinced
I'm so