cotton batting fills my frontal lobes
i'm too dry to weep
you charge at me
your head a mallet
your fists restrained hammers at your sides
"you getting ready to go out?"
you say
my eyes are soul-less, flat and gray
as I turn to you
my jaw opens, then closes
opens and closes
words weave in and out of the cotton batting
and stick there
"you getting ready to go somewhere?"
you say
flames fill my chest and the words are pushed and spill out
in monotone, with mercury dripping down my face
i say
"i'm going to visit my son in the mental hospital."
pause
my face, a classic flat-effect,
"you know this and why are you making me say this out loud?"
the sharp angles of the letters slice my throat
and more mercury drips
and acid fills the back of my throat
my eyes are soul-less, flat and gray
and you glare sharp blades at me
wrapped in a silicone shell of your narcissim
"you look like you're getting ready to go out somewhere."
you say
chrome glazing over  your eyes, over your heart
with that, the cotton batting fills more space
my soul-self doubles over in pain
and with that
the side of me that lived for you
died

flaming
lightening and thunder
storming
sickeningly twisting and turning
hailstorm, hurricane in my heart
in my gut
burning
cooling down with the rain, dripping
slowly calming the flames
tears and rain, rain and tears
smoke then steam
sulfur, metal, steam
red, sulfur, flames
fire
in my soul, in my mind
red-hot, heat
purple, black, blue
ache
rain and tears, tears and rain
slowly calming the flames
waves
crashing, then receding
crashing, receding
slowly receding, drifting
away
drifting away

fragile as a snail shell
i am
paper-thin layer
my body-shell
your words
break me
raw inside
fragile outside
step
with
care

psychosis
psychotic
words i once was frightened by
now i'm touched by
physically felt by
wondering when i'll be brushed by them again
a child with a mind turned completely backwards
it must be your fault, he says
you must be one pretty messed up mother to have a child like me, he says
maybe
just, maybe
he
is
right

you sit there
small, but so large
quiet, but with a novel of words written all over your face
folded in, but crying out
a man, but still a little boy
my little boy
rebelling against this curse on your mind
alone in your misery
i'm here, i'm trying so hard to understand
i feel your pain
your pain is my own sickness
your misery is my misery
there is light at the end
there is lightness to the weight you're feeling right now
let me lift the weight for a while
let me carry it until we find the answer
i'm searching so hard for the answer
until then, please let me carry some of it
i'll make it my weight and my burden
my own curse
until it's solved

day-lily at night
just before the crack of dawn
neo-soft petals
curled up
hesitantly
unraveling
undulating
as i unfold
in the muted sunstream
gently awakening
to the world
with soft sighs
and quiet hopes for the day

baffled
bruised
wasted
burning inside
vascillating between
hiding
or running
with full armor on
straight into the storm
afraid of
what is to come
but
wanting it just over already
praying for
mercy
when the storm
hits
show
no
fear