As dark a place as I had always thought
That loneliness would be I find its not
As empty as the smiles of those I’ve caught
Just pitying my scars with gazes hot
I rush to cover what they shouldn’t see
The raised and reddened lines across my back
Where surgeons tried and failed to cut me free
Instead they left rods glinting in the black
They tried to slice out Pain, but they found hope
And by mistake they cut that out instead
I woke up, found it gone, and I could cope
For by the time they found it, hope was dead
But while I ought to miss this thing I’ve lost
In truth I’m just so glad to shed the cost

In truth I’m just so glad to shed the cost
Of trying to convince them I’m okay
That I can barely feel this endless frost
The hardest part of every single day
Was making them believe the lies I told
That Pain was fading, life was kind once more
When all I wanted was to simply fold
Into myself and lock every last door
I painted red my cheeks to hide the pale
And flashed a cheerful smile to cover dread
But once in a long while my lies would fail
And everyone saw storms rage in my head
But sometimes I can drop the lies I wind
On days when Pain fades gently from my mind

On days when Pain fades gently from my mind
It’s almost like my thoughts are once more mine
Like loosened are the ties that often bind
And sheathed once more the claws that tear my spine
Black tendrils weave no longer through my thoughts
And heavy fog lifts slowly from my eyes
My shoulders finally relax their knots
At last I do not hide behind my guise
My steps are light, my smile no longer false
The sunshine feels like heaven on my face
My back may finally forget its faults
And everything at last will find its place.
But then the Pain floods back and rain does come
To save itself my mind must be made numb

To save itself my mind must be made numb
The sleepless nights and endless tear filled days
Would rip and shred my strength if not for some
Last way to hide myself above the craze
Of burning, tearing, blaring, broken nerves
That screamed their Pain so loud and long that they
No longer know the purpose silence serves
One day they’ll learn of whispers, this I pray
But ‘till they do I lock away my mind
I shudder at a world where it runs free
My only solace from a world unkind,
For surely as I live, it’d run from me
So here in this dark place I hide away,
Until the Pain does cease, here will I stay

Until the Pain does cease, here will I stay.
The dewy greens and sunny beams are not
Within my too short reach, so far away.
One day I’d find my way or so I thought
To all the places that my life forgot,
But heavy fears and unshed tears do weigh
So heavy on the dreams I’d once been taught.
The fervor of my wanderlust does gray
When pressed against the far too precious cost
Of moving through the world like others do.
They all seem so surefooted. I am lost.
The days when I stand tall are oh so few.
I look and laugh at days before I knew
Although I’m but a girl my dreams are dew

Although I’m but a girl my dreams are dew
That fizzle, fade when morning heats the ground
That know their fate before they see the blue
Though barely out of infancy they’re drowned
In sunshine that wreaks havoc all around
In shadows I can dream without the fear
Of sunshine showing places where I’m bound
I wish upon the stars and smile here
And for the briefest moment I am free
To dream as others, of a daring deed
Of fame and fortune, what my life could be
If only Pain could slake its boundless greed.
But sunshine burns away my shaded home
As always I’m reminded not to roam

As always I’m reminded not to roam
When every morning I awake to flame
To flickering hot tongues that char my bone
It’s difficult to walk shrouded in Pain
The agony is bearable until
One movement kindles flames to rise again
The ever wary watchfulness within
Is wearing ever thinner on my brain
The final fading of hope held so close
Is comfort unlike any I had known
The fears that Pain will never cease now doze
And sureness carries safety hope just won’t
And so I’m finding hopelessness is not
As dark a place as I had always thought

I need you.

As much as I hate to admit it,

As much as I hate this feeling,

This weakness,

I can’t keep this lonely march

Up for much longer



I’ve been scrambling,

Barefoot and broken

Over this rocky ground.

The path I once was on

Is far behind me now.

I don’t know how to get back,

And I’m not even sure that I want to get back,

Because I’m different now.



The smooth, gently winding road

I’ve left behind

Isn’t the place for me anymore,

But this, this desert desolation,

Wandering, alone and bleeding

With no direction, no strength

Isn’t where I want to be.



I can’t keep doing this,

But I don’t know where else to go,

Because to stop is to die

And as much as I’m hurting,

I’m still clinging to this life,

Clinging to that oh so fleeting hope

That there’s something better over the next horizon,

But I just don’t know how much longer I can hold on.



So I’m begging,

Before my feet can’t go on anymore,

Come along side of me.

I know that I’ve pushed you away before,

But I don’t have any strength left to push with

And I’m desperate for you



I know I should have come sooner,

But I was stubborn,

And I was wrong

But you said you’d always be there for me,

You said you’d carry me,

That you’d hold me,

So please,

Hold me now

One.

When I was 14 my back started hurting.

And it didn’t stop.

It’s been 5 years

It still hasn’t stopped.

I remember the first night it got really bad.

It had been building all day

Like a hunger that I didn’t yet know

Was waiting to swallow me whole

It clawed its way into my mind,

Lacing tendrils through every thought

Until they were no longer my own

I remember pacing the living room

My hands shaking

My eyes watering

I had never known pain like this and

I didn’t know how to make it stop

So I did what any little girl does

I looked to my mother

And she…

She looked as scared as I was

I didn’t realize it until years later,

But in that moment

In the back of my mind

I decided that I would never let anyone

See what the pain did to me again.

Because I had to hurt,

But nobody else did.

So I locked it away in my chest

And fashioned a mask out of smiles and lies

And it fits so perfectly on my face

That I don’t know how to take it off anymore.



Two.

I was 16 when I had my first discogram.

They pushed needles into my discs

And pumped them full of dye

So that they could watch

While it seeped out of the broken places

I laid there face down on a table

In a cold room that over the years I would come to hate

I gritted my teeth,

Clenched my fists,

And tried desperately to keep from crying

The nurse told me that she was surprised

That I didn’t scream

Most people scream



Three.

One of the side effects

Of being a pastor’s daughter

Is that an entire church knows

About all of your problems

Every Sunday I walk into

The building that is supposed to be a place of rest

And well-meaning people ask me how I’m feeling.

I hate lying to them.



Four.

I started collecting notebooks

In high school

There’s a shelf in my room stacked with dozens

Of journals waiting to be filled with beautiful things.

Sometimes I feel like I am sitting on a shelf

Waiting to be filled with beautiful things.





Five.

Once a woman told me

That God gives his hardest battles

To his strongest soldiers.

I know she meant well,

But I just wanted to tell her

That I was tired of being

So.

****.

Strong.



Six.

I was eighteen when I realized

That I didn’t want to be alive anymore.





Seven.

I was nineteen when my doctor said she was out of ideas.

For five years every time I went to her office

There was another test she could run

Or another injection that might work

Or another doctor to refer me to

And then another

And another

And another

And then there just wasn’t

It was like I was watching

While somebody else’s future

Collapsed

Like learning that someone else’s pain

Was never going to stop.

It couldn’t be me

She said she was sorry

And I walked out

And cried in my car



Eight.

I’ve been trying to write this poem for years

I have half a dozen versions

But the words never quite felt like mine

As they tumbled off my tongue.

I wrote and this girl that emerged from the letters

Was so broken but so strong.

It took me a long time to be able to recognize her.



Nine.

For years I have been chasing

The version of me

That might have been

If the pain had never come

I didn’t know who she was

And I felt that I owed it to her to find out

It took me years to realize

That I was chasing a girl

Who could never exist.

Because the pain

Shaped me.

It sanded away rough edges

And built up walls

That I’m not sure I’ll ever be able

To tear down.

For better or worse

The pain made me who I am

And I’m finally starting to like

Who I am

I'm tired.
Tired of this life,
Tired of this living,
But never really living.
Tired of walking around in a foggy haze
With a blindfold over my eyes
And cotton in my ears
I'm tired of people who look,
But never see,
Who listen,
But never hear.
I'm tired of being one of them
I'm tired of picking myself up off the ground
Only to be thrown back down.
I'm tired of pain,
Tired of tears,
Tired of all-consuming fears
But mostly,
I'm just tired of being
So.
****.
Tired.
And I just want to go to sleep.

Because of you
I understand what a broken heart feels like.  
Mine
Shattered
The moment you walked out of my door,
My life,
My arms,
But not my heart.  

I still love you.
I love your smile,
The way your eyes used to light up
When I walked into a room,
And how you held me
When I cried.

And I miss you.
I miss the feeling
Of your hand in mine,
Those perfect goodnight kisses,
And the sound of your voice
When you said my name.

But you,
You love her.

And so I try
To hold together
The pieces of my broken heart,
And I try to stop the flow
Of a million tears down my cheeks,
But I can't keep it together anymore.  
I can't keep this plastic smile on my face
While my world crashes down around me.

I love you
With the kind of crazy love
That I used to believe
Only existed in fairy tales,
But you left me here,
Wasting away in a tower room
Without even the hope
That a prince will ride by
And rescue me,
Because the only one
With the key
That unlocks these walls around my heart
Is you.

So I lie on the floor,
Wishing
That I was enough for you,
But I guess I'm not.
Not anymore.  

There was a time
When you swore
That you would never leave me,
But that day is long gone.  

The final notes of our spinning,
Ballroom dance
Have played out,
And I'm standing here,
In an empty room,
Alone.

You were the perfect boy
We had the perfect romance
Everything was beautiful
Through this young love’s eyes
And it was much too late
When I finally found,
That my prince charming had a heart of stone

You broke me down
You left me bleeding
I gave you my everything,
And it wasn’t enough
And I’ll never want you back
I just wanted you to know
That after everything I’ve been through…
I don’t miss you anymore

I don’t want to do this anymore.
This faking the smile,
Hiding the tears,
Only letting you see
This masquerade version of me.

We deserve more
Than this,
This empty-hearted
Empty-minded
Plastic perfect,
Me and you.

I want you to know,
I want you to see
The costume free version of me,
With my rock-hard shell tossed aside
And my innocent face laid bare.

But I’m afraid.
Afraid of trusting you to see
The true, imperfect me.

So I hide here,
Wishing
For the strength to let you in,
Just this once
Just for a moment
To be free of this heavy mask,
This jeweled costume
That sparkles and shines,
Hides and distracts
From the every day,
Plain Jane,
Nothing special,
Me

But then you look at me,
And your face says it all.

Oh, sweet, sweet girl
You don’t have to hide anymore.
Your costume never fooled me,
And your reality doesn’t scare me.
I want to see the real you…
Please?

And with trembling hands,
And downcast eyes,
I lift the mask
From blush-red cheeks,
Petal-pink lips,
And soft brown eyes.
I let loose the ties that bind my hair
And I look up.

You’re smiling.

You reach out,
Touch my cheek,
And whisper
“You’re beautiful.”

I want to change things.
I want to make today
Better than yesterday,
And tomorrow
Better than today.
I want to touch people’s lives
And give them a hope
In the knowing
That this doesn’t have to be all there is,
That their dreams aren’t out of their reach
That everything they’ve ever wanted
Is just over the horizon,
If only they’ll pull their heads up out of the sand
And chase after it.

But I can’t do it in this cookie-cutter plan
For what my future is supposed to hold.
I don’t want a business degree,
A corner office,
2.5 kids,
And a golden retriever.

I want to take this crazy passion
That everyone but me thinks is just a waste of time
And run with it.
I don’t know where it’ll take me
And I don’t care…
I just have to go.