I am destroying you.

I love you so much and I was right,

I destroyed you.

I love you.

I could say it over and over again.

Your name is like music to my ears,

A song that I will never get sick of,

I need you.

I was about five years old when you came into my life.
I still remember the night you drove home with us and I was too scared to fall asleep in the car because I didn't want you to hear me snoring.

My mom was a statue fanatic, all over our house were statues she bought from the different countries she would visit - I was terrified of them. I remember the way you would carry me to bed at night and you would take me around the whole house to say goodnight to each statue in our house, they didn't seem that scary when I was in your arms.

I still remember the way you would walk me to preschool, you didn't mind that the 15 minute walk would take us over an hour, you didn't mind that I would want to stop and look at every single flower, every single bird, that I would want to know about every single type of tree. You held my hand and patiently told me all you knew.

I still remember the way it felt to finally have something constant in my life. Having a mother who is always travelling is difficult, not living with my dad was difficult, out of everything that was going on in my life, out of everyone who was always leaving me you continued to stay.

I still remember you being there for my first date, my mom was travelling but you were there. I was so nervous. I have super curly hair and I wanted to make it straight like the pretty girls in the magazine, I thought I knew what I was doing but I tangled my hair and a huge brush got caught in it. The only option was to cut it out - oh how I cried, it was my first date and I would arrive bald. But you held my hand, cut my hair and made me feel pretty regardless of my now uneven curls.

I still remember when my first boyfriend broke up with me, naturally my mother wasn't there and so the person who watched me cry was you.
And then my second boyfriend broke up with me, and you were the one who came running into my room and gave me advice. You were the one who I cried to.

I loved you so much that I would choose my mother over you.
I loved you so much that I wanted you on my one hand, and my dad on the other hand, walking me down the isle at my wedding.
I loved you so much and then you broke me.

I won't go into the details for both your sake and mine - but it kills me to know that you do not see this.
It kills me to know that you don't even know who I am anymore.
It kills me to know that whatever I say or do you cannot see the damage that has been caused.
It kills me to know that you probably do not even care.
It kills me to know that you blame me for my mothers absence.
You blame me for the love that you two no longer share.
You blame me for the way in which my mother was forced to work like a dog in order to support our entire family.
It kills me.

At the end of the day I can't shed anymore tears over this.
I can't tell you how much I hurt.
I can't describe the pain it feels to have a parent no longer want to be a part of your life for no particular reason other than ego.

And this time around things feel different,

I always wanted a partner who would look at me as though I had flowers growing out my roots, intertwined with my wild hair,

I always wanted a partner who would hold me like I was their glue, as though I was the only thing holding them together,

I always wanted a partner who wanted to explore me, who would never feel as  though they had reached the end of me, who always felt as though I was more - because I've always wanted to be so much more,

And I always wanted a partner who would be besotted with me, who would adore me, who would stare at my naked body every time I got undressed and wonder how the hell the universe came up with me,

I always wanted a partner who would love me, I want to be loved.

I always wanted a partner like you.
But then I do what I always do.
I shut my lover out.
I force them to hate me.
I've been yearning for you for so long that I just continue to yearn, to want, to need...
Something more perhaps?

But how can I have more when I have a lover who looks at me like I am the ******* earth, who looks at me as I though I am the reason for summer.

I always wanted a partner like you.
But then I do what I always do.
I shut my lover out.
I force them to hate me.
And lover, don't you see?
Don't you see that this is not me?
That I am pushing you away because I love you.
I am pushing you away because this is me.

Multiple Sclerosis is the name that the doctors told me.
I was seventeen years old.
"Unfortunately you have Multiple Sclerosis"
As if it didn't need explaining. As if I was just supposed to know what it meant.
"It's not really life threatening"
But I will have it for the rest of my life?
"We should start medication immediately. Injections are three times a week and oral medication is twice a day everyday"
For the rest of my life?
"The sooner we start the better. We don't want your condition to worsen"

My condition? Can you hear me? What's happening? What's going on?

I felt invisible. Burdened by a disease that cannot be seen.
Because my body sees itself as the enemy.
I am the enemy.
They tell you that you are you are in this world alone and that all you should lean on is yourself tell me what happens when it is yourself fighting the self. When my battle is coming from within.
When it is my body that is failing me.

And I am faced with doctors who call my sclerosis a condition, who tell me it's not serious, who rush me out the door to welcome their next patient and they tell me to be patient when I am asking questions as if I am not patiently waiting for my body to implode against itself because my self is fighting a war everyday and I am tired.

Mommy, you told me I was made from stardust, you told me that inside of me their are little soldiers who ensure that my body is working
but mommy you forgot to tell me that they are fighting me
You forgot to tell me that when I stand up for too long pins and needles will claim my body and force me to sit
You forgot to tell me that sometimes I will wake up and I will feel normal, life will give me a taste of what it feels like to be free.

And mommy I forgot to tell you that today I didn't even feel like getting out of bed.
I forgot to tell you that it wasn't my shoe that slipped on the stairs that made me fall, it was my legs going numb

I haven't cried myself to sleep in a long time.
But tonight I am and all the memories of the nights I used to cry myself to sleep are coming back.
I've become so good at suppressing all my pain that I've forgotten that I'm wearing a mask.

You should have dated a pretty girl.

You should have dated a passive girl.

A girl whose element is calmness.

A girl with hair like the sun and eyes like the ocean.

I'm a girl who is a free-falling mess.

I'm overly sensitive and then I'm icy cold.

I'm a free girl, a pose naked when I want girl, a do whatever I want girl, a I don't really give a **** girl.

I have hair the color of dirt and eyes the color of moist soil.

I'm a bad girl, a crazy girl, a breaking the rules kind of a girl.

I hate being sad.

I hate that everything I do it wrong.

I hate that there are times where I'm not good enough.

I hate that I'm not a butterfly right now.

I hate that we are destroying each other.

I hate that these words will get me in trouble.

I hate that you will be mad at me.

I hate, I hate, I hate.

I hate apologizing.

I am so angry.

I am so in love.

I am so not me.

But you're the only person that I'm me with.

How can I be me with you but no one when I'm alone.

How can something you love so much drive you this insane.