I feel like I am drowning.
I am on land and I am drowning.

Thinking about you with another girl makes me physically sick

I can see it so vividly

I imagine your lips on her, and wonder if they kissed her collar bones the way they kissed mine

I imagine your hands on the small of her back, and wonder if they would trace up and down her spine the same way they would to me

I imagine you whispering in her ears pierced the way you would to me, telling me how beautiful I am

Thinking about you with another girl makes me so physically sick that I forget what to do with my hands, with my legs, with my soul, I lose myself.

I lose myself in how simply wonderful you are.
In the way your skin tastes like sea salt and your eyes resemble forests
In the way your smile makes my knees weak
I lose myself thinking about you with anyone else because every bit of me hates that image.

I hate that my memory of you is getting tarnished knowing the reality.

I love myself.

I love myself and it is because I have hated myself.

I love myself and it because I used to look in the mirror and I would not be able to recognize my own reflection.

I would lie in bed at night and romanticize a world that did not include me in it.

I would go to school everyday and feel like a stranger in my own body.
An outsider looking in.

I love myself because I am so sick and tired of hating myself.
I am so sick and tired of not nurturing the beauty that is my existence.

The beauty that is your existence does not deserve to be hated.  

Repeat that over and over again until your first love becomes yourself.
Your greatest love needs to be yourself.
You need to be yours and yours alone before you allow anyone to enter the light that is you.

They tell you that he loves you in his own way,

But what about your way?

You deserve to be loved your way.

Bubblegum flavored tequila and bubblegum flavored kisses.
Drink up. Drink more.
My friend and I sat giggling on the bed across from two wolves, their fangs hidden behind blue lipped smiles.
Have another sip, the bottle is nearly empty.

My friend leaves me, and the wolf makes a gesture to his friend to follow.

I am left alone.

Blue lips kissing blue lips,
blue on my neck,
blue on my stomach,

Take these off he says,
it will be more comfortable he says.

The room is spinning and all I can see is an empty bottle of blue bubblegum flavored tequila on the floor,
And blue bite marks down my legs,
And I'm struggling to fight off his hands as my ******* are torn off,
And I am wearing a blue bra that's wires are piercing into my chest,
And inside my chest I can feel my heart pounding,
And my ribs are not protecting the pain in my heart,

I can hear my friend outside the door,
she's on the phone to a boy,
I am calling out to her but she cant hear because his paw is muffling my scream.

Just a little bit he says,
I force a blue lipped bubblegum smile and shake my head.
Do not ******* this wolf.

I manage to kick him off but I cant find my clothes.

The next morning I wake up with a bubblegum flavored tequila hang over, and blue bruises.

"Its okay though, it could have been worse."

It's okay that you miss them.

Bullet holes through your heart might have become so easy to live with,

But its not okay that you stand still while they fire their pistol.

Hey you,  
Yes, you.
Don't do that to yourself.
Don't allow someone to treat you like that.
This is your life.
Don't let other people burn you to the ground.

Hey you,
Yes, you.
You put the ******* stars in the sky.
Your are gold.
You are art.
Stop letting people make you feel small.

You are fascinating, don't surround yourself with people who are not curious about you.

I believe that you are a miracle and its about time you started to believe it too.