I put all your physical words in a box-
"you are ADORABLE" scribbled on a receipt
          the book with the pictures of
          New York City and the one with
          the history of Christmas
the map from the pumpkin patch
          your band's cds
a 9 volt battery
          a button from the trails west
          festival
a ticket to the show your band played at your dream venue
          my ticket stub from This Is the
          End
directions to Kim's house
          the journal you gave me for  
          Christmas with a letter from you
          on the first two pages
a napkin I kept hidden in my wallet with "you are very cute" written in your smallest print
          a Virgil's Rootbeer bottle cap
          from our second first date
(god did you know I had kept all those things)-
but I can't figure out how to package all the sentences you left swimming around in my head

If I am still what I eat
then today I want to
have hot air balloons
for breakfast and silly
string for lunch, star-
shaped tissue paper
and the center of
Ryan's heart. I only
want to be something
that is worthwhile.

I leaned my bike up against the gate and
Sighed.
Leaning against the window was the girl
thee girl
The girl with her usual
Frappe in hand
And book in the other.
Her flowing red hair
And glasses
With bright pearls brimming and
Shining against her pink lips.
Her face
Fair and clean
Rosy cheeks and
A smile.
Her clothes
Grey beanie
Flowy top
Jeans and
Combat boots.
Rings and
Jewelry galore
And
Even some tattoos.
shes perfect
I think to myself as I
Picked my bike back up and
Started riding away.

The problem with being invisible
Is that none of you ever see me
You see Friend, Person, Sister, Classmate, Girl
Never Me.
The problem with being invisible
Is that you do not hear me
You hear words, sentences, chatter
Not the inbetween, not what I'm saying
The problem with being invisible
Is that you do not think of me
You do not lie awake
And wonder where
Or who I am.
I come only occasionally,
Casually,
In the slums of your minds

**unedited and full version redirected

When you look at her,
You crack a smile.
When you look at me,
You look right through.
I'm sure you know,
How I feel.
But when she comes by,
I mustn't be real.
Do I mean a single thing?
In your heart do I have a place?

I wish I knew.

How does one know when they are in love?
To find that one special person
And to complete the other
Fully one,
together.

But when you look at her,
I disappear.
I wasn't ever real
Am I at all?

I wish I knew.

I think maybe
I loved you a
little bit. I knew
it then but never
told you. That's
okay, though,
because I think
you loved me a
little bit, too, and
never told me,
either.

You've told me times and time again,
"Lets stay friends."

But yet,
I still get the feeling
Like we're
More
Than meets the eye.
Aren't we
One?
Whole?
together...?

To be honest,
I thought we'd last longer than this.

I used to want to lose a ton of weight,
And not healthily either.
I wanted to just shed off the pounds
From my stomach,
My legs.
I hated myself.

I finally got over it though.
I lost a bit of weight healthily,
Changed for the good of myself.
But then I read what was going in in my mind back then,
Everything changed again.

I want to throw up so much,
The thoughts are back.
I want to numb the pain,
Drown some pills.
To the point of no return.
I'm turning to dust,
I want to lose the weight I've gained,
Not only on my body
But in my mind.
I'm suffering from
Death.
It pulls me back and forth
It wants me there
But first it wants to me to lose
The excess weight.

I guess I should, huh?

It wouldn't be fair to
God
Or
The devil
Right?
No, not at all.
Who could love
Or even hate
Someone
So
Fat.