The taste of tobacco lingering on my tongue
My tongue is split and covered in snow
White smoke is escaping my lips
It reminds me of him and his clothes
As well as his chapped soft pink lips
That were caused by waiting in the icy wind

She has to clap
To hide her shaking

She has to clench her jaw
To keep her voice from trembling

She has to close her eyes
To keep the room from spinning

She has to grip the wall
To keep herself from moving

She has to bite her tongue
To keep herself from stumbling

She has to blink
To keep from tearing

But most of all
And day by day,
She has to crawl
To keep herself from falling

It started out fun
no strings
just you and me
ruling the world
or so it seemed
now I'm just staring into space

Don't remember what it was like before you
but all I know is that what we had was real
what we had was love

You fell into a depression
you turned me into a ******
a madman

I casually lock eyes with a stranger
I keep staring
Like one who has no hope at all
Wondering if my pain can be felt

I haven't touched my coffee
I forgot it was there

As I'm staring into space
I got you on my mind

11/6/12


I look left and see a pale pink sky

Right, no longer a gray sky but a blue

If we had to pick which one we were

Everyone would rush to say pink

I'd pick the other..

Not because that's me, but because it's..

The one that stays the same

The one that gives me hope

The one that gives me strength to live

For me to be able to move on breathing steadily

Walking in a sense

But literally, crawling..

Chilly, dark nights and falling leaves
Pouring rain and humid, hot nights
Pitch black nights, busy streets and vivid lights
Salt-scented air, roaring waves and sandy beaches
Cloudy, quiet days and gray skies
Windy atmospheres, fresh air, and swaying tees
Cold mornings start early, at dawn
White, snowy paths with only your pair of footprints in a hidden, white-covered world
Those times where you seem invisible in an overly-crowded place, but instead you're the one everyone sees
Staring past people's stares and unintentionally into others' eyes
Waiting, exhausted, trying to stay awake, anything but yawn
Seeing two, screaming inside that it's not fair
Covering my face with my hands, refusing to look, saying they're so lucky
Always on my mind, and seeing 2, feeling mocked
Everywhere I go, I want to scream louder
Heart aches, I only want to see one 2
Wondering, but not far enough
Obliged to seem happy, but inside, it's killing
They say the ones that care most about you is your family
I don't want that to be true
No one knows that I'm always fighting
The absense is destroying
No one can take another's place
Laying down in my cold room, cars pass by, illuminating, and then, creating shadows
Writing, just letters on a page, trying to find recognition

8-27-11
Note: (Not meant to confuse but--) I realized that I had been questioning, but what I did not know was that it was only the beginning. I think this is rather prose.


It was so windy outside
I stood there
Taking in all the sights around me
I couldn't absorb anything
I continued to stand there
I could not memorize the scene it seemed
This is all I knew
For most of my life, I became bored with everyday scenes
Tonight, I couldn't get enough
It had been forever since it felt so good
It was not hot nor cold
It was perfect to think about things
I hated how I was always thinking
However, in atmospheres like this weren't the same
It was like my problems went away
I had found comfort and clarity
I saw the streetlamps and the shadows
The trees were swaying
Everything seems to be alive
Everything was moving in a rythmic movement
I stood there, paralyzed , the only one that remained unchanged
Something seemed completely different
It felt almost foreign
The atmosphere had changed
I don't know what it was
I knew there was something
What was I doing alone?
I saw the deep blue, almost indigo spacious eternity
The stars glimmered brightly
And all I saw was your face

Days numbered, staring into the sun
Silence, blinding, flickering, silence..
Raindrops falling into the deepest of valleys
Never ending, disappearing, hazy, silence..
Forgetting eternity, drenched in fret, into hiding
Drowning cries, blending into backgrounds
Glistening, blurry, ever so present but invisible
Near, but lonely, a shout, flickering, silence..
A drop of salt and water hit the ground..
Eyes stinging, numb, struggled breathing, screaming
Blurred, tears cascading, "Where am I," thoughts conflicting
"Where's my escape," cold shoulders
Heat rising, "how did I get here"
Fear brewing, lips purse, teeth clattering
Eyes bulge then blink rapidly, deep breaths
Words unspoken, holding tongues, fists clench
And eyes get red, skin hot, delirious
Streams trickle down mounds
Glssy reflections appear then eyes shut
Utter blackness and falling
Falling down into a black pit
A pit that has no bottom


Last stanza (a different take)(optional)
A piercing alarm sounds as she greets me
A smile instead of offering an explanation
As I realize that it was never real

11/4/12

Almond-shaped foilage cover the earth
Fortresses of breath-taking branches and limbs
Bark richly-colored by silver and white
All around, pigments of gold and burgandy surround
And up above, a blanket of white
Like a canopy
A pause present in order to reflect
And all I can say is nothing, nothing at all

I have no idea
What's going to happen
In the future
Will I have a job?
Or will I have a career?
Will I ever go to college?
Or will I ever be homeless?
Would I buy liqour?
Probably not.
But let's face it.
I'm going to be lonely.
So.. Yeah, I might
Just so I can stop
Thinking so much
And drown my sorrows
In alcohol

1-2-13

You acting like you got it all
But you know, I saw you the other day
Your eyes all searching for something invisible
Looking like you about to lose your grip on life

You walking with you head high
Your smile bigger than the moon
And your eyes brighter than the sun
But you know what, I saw you as if you were broken glass that day

And of course, I was scared to walk up to you
With all those pieces of you on the ground
Those shards of glass everywhere

But I couldn't believe it was you
I couldn't believe that the same person I saw that day was you

Last time I checked your name was pride
But you were now on the steps
All shattered, with the label Chaos

Same body but different person
Different character but same thoughts
Were you dropped or did you fall?
Did you deteriorate or were you knocked over?

Note: I wrote this sometime in the middle of June.

Silver, grey, slate, metallic, pink, tan, yellow,
Lime green; they were all the same..
As a door opened, a church bell rang
Another color flashed
Stop it? Stop it. Blue. Sky blue...
The full moon seen out a square
Open window with no pane..
No nothing.. naked, just naked..
Dark blue..
Beauty in it's obscenity

It is August 22th.
Nothing special happened today.
Like usual.
Just disappointments and expectations destroyed.
Sirens.
Will you still love me when I'm no longer young?
And beautiful?
Will you still care?
Will you still wait?
If I got locked away,
Would you still love me the same?

8-28-13

Cloudy night
Making my own clouds
I put it down
Making my own winds
Tornadoes turning into mushrooms
They remind me of Hiroshima
My hands go through the metal nets
Why am I here?
No breeze
Just the slight murmer of stories untold
I'm alone in my own thoughts
Remembering the pain I went through
Wanting to get up
Wanting to leave
But I'm surrounded by black lines
Lines made of steel
Too close together
So, here I wait
In my own little world
Half-listening to stories
That will never make it out of here
Stories that no one else will ever here

Rejected
from society
from family
from church
from the world
Tested
in public
in school
in the household
in life
by God
Viewed as
wierd
church girl
annoying
weak
stupid

I'm on the porch
Watching the rain
Dance on the sidewalks
Wishing I could get soaked
And saturated in love expressed by heaven's tears
She's tired of letting the sun outrule her
She's tired of pretending to be okay
And I get it
Because I'm at that moment too

It's about time to head home

Maybe the sky is sobbing because I can't hear you yell my name
I can't hear you telling me that it's getting late

As if I'm going to be exposed to some deadly disease
As if nature was bad for me
As if nature wasn't kind

But then, again, I wish your voice had been louder
I never got to hear it really

I wish the clouds weren't throwing tantrums
Demanding to be heard
Begging to be wanted
I silently almost pleaded with the skies to stop

I wanted to hear your melancholic call
I wanted to hear you say my name again and again
I wanted to be wanted just like the atmosphere wanted to let it all out

But most of all, I wanted you to have run after me as I walked away
Pretending I didn't notice you beckoning me

You almost broke
That was the closest I had seen your walls be shattered
You didn't notice me looking at you but I saw it in your eyes

We were all crying
Not only could I tell by your heaving figure in the corner of my eye
Not only could we tell by the banks of water pitter-pattering
But I started crying after I turned the corner
And that's because you didn't chase me
You didn't follow me

I knew it before I started heading in the opposite direction
Because you knew I'd be gone for awhile

But I'd always come back

I always had hoped you'd open up to me

If I disappeared
It might have started an argument

At least I would know if you cared

It'd be after midnight
When I'd start to walk back home
Long before the rain stopped

And you'd be there
Waiting for me

As if I had never left
As if I deserved nothing
Nothing new
But silence
And a *cold shoulder

Hated to see that teardrop
That slid down your face that cold day

Loved you from the first moment
My eyes caressed your face

Didn't understand how people
Could be so cruel

That was the day
I vowed I'd never hurt you
Or ever tell you that I loved you

10/31/12

Love, a distant idea
Some think it's happiness
Some, pain
Some, a nusiance
But love is a sacrifice
Not all magical
But a beautiful painting of compassion

The agony is killing me
Does he ever talk about me?
Does he ever think about me?
Does he ever dream about me?
Or has he forgotten about me already?
Does he cringe every-time he remembers me?
And what exactly does he remember?
Has he really forgotten me?
Or does he refuse to remember the time we spent together
In rehab?
And how we made all those promises?

I found this, a poem I wrote long ago.. I think I wrote it on 8-28-11
---------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------------
It is awkward, a fazed condition
A blind vision like the sun shining in your eyes
So luminiscent, forcing your eyes to close and stay shut
Sour like the glares from strangers
Stings like a wasp, hurts for a while
Numbness, lost, Don't know the way, blindfolded
Laying awake on many restless nights
Always questioning, mind getting more cloudy
No light shining in, pitch black
Alone in the darkness, silence
Paralyzed, unable to accomplish anything
Enclosed by all fears, no hope

11/15/12

Disillusioned
My eyes want to bleed tears
Tears that haven't been able to form
Until this moment or at least soon..
When the flower is dried,
All she wants is to be alive once more
But, once, the rain pours and pours for days,
Cries can be heard all around
No longer about life but death
No longer thankful but reluctant
And the unimaginable..
The rejection of nature..Like me being rejected
Beautiful, but rejected
Laughing but it's different
It's like when you're in the middle of laughing
But all of a sudden, you feel like you've been slapped
Drowning..stop

You left.
You're gone.
I'm here.
With not a soul by my side.
I'm sad.
I'm alone.
I'm scared.
You're asleep.
I'm barely breathing.
Please come back.
I need you.