Everytime I pick up my phone
My eyes blur
Because just a click away
I can go back to those messages

It's happening all over again
How you cut me deeper
Than any cut I did to myself
To try to forget the pain

The pain you caused me
Before you even said those things
But now,
It's like you cut me off life support

And at the end of the day
The hospital is where I'll end

11/6/12


I look left and see a pale pink sky

Right, no longer a gray sky but a blue

If we had to pick which one we were

Everyone would rush to say pink

I'd pick the other..

Not because that's me, but because it's..

The one that stays the same

The one that gives me hope

The one that gives me strength to live

For me to be able to move on breathing steadily

Walking in a sense

But literally, crawling..

You left.
You're gone.
I'm here.
With not a soul by my side.
I'm sad.
I'm alone.
I'm scared.
You're asleep.
I'm barely breathing.
Please come back.
I need you.

Note: I wrote this sometime in the middle of June.

Silver, grey, slate, metallic, pink, tan, yellow,
Lime green; they were all the same..
As a door opened, a church bell rang
Another color flashed
Stop it? Stop it. Blue. Sky blue...
The full moon seen out a square
Open window with no pane..
No nothing.. naked, just naked..
Dark blue..
Beauty in it's obscenity

Away, in a dream
Close, in reality
When you wake
You come to find
That you were close
All along

waves, full of life
running alongside you
back and forth, restless
tides acting like fingers
wiping away the salt
from the corners of your eyes
telling you that life never stops
doesn't stand still, even for you

9/26/12
Note: I don't title a lot of my poems.
I think it takes away the effect..
  

They saw me before I saw them

There were many of them

Thousands and thousands of butterflies

They watched me as I lay in the grass

They seemed so free

So light, so beautiful

I wanted to be like them

But I was in the grass

Bound to the earth

They, loose, in the air

I couldn't get up, I know, because I kept dreaming

Staring at the vivid colors blending together like a painting

I dreamed that I was in that painting

But it didn't change anything

It just made me realize something

That I wasn't amongst them

I wasn't free

8/31/12

What makes thoughts scatter
Exhiliration normal
Hearts tender
& eyes sparkle?

What makes pain invisible
Tears incapable
The soul warm
And lips into crescents

What makes voices inaudible
Everyday scenes art
Nature a fantasy
And life made for us?

A term widely used but
rarely understood
More rare than the largest-cut diamonds
Or most unique-colored pearl
Something thought to be seen, but unseen
Like fine grains of sand being blown into the wind
On a constant journey but never disappearing
Existing quite profoundly but hidden
Beauty in simplicity, a flower in the rain
Greater than looking into the night sky
It's breathless like looking into the ocean of stars
If only swimming in the lights were possible
Like they light up the night with their splendor
Stars transforming the dark into day
Love is very real, stealing death and transforming it
Into beautiful magic
That being life..hope

Days numbered, staring into the sun
Silence, blinding, flickering, silence..
Raindrops falling into the deepest of valleys
Never ending, disappearing, hazy, silence..
Forgetting eternity, drenched in fret, into hiding
Drowning cries, blending into backgrounds
Glistening, blurry, ever so present but invisible
Near, but lonely, a shout, flickering, silence..
A drop of salt and water hit the ground..
Eyes stinging, numb, struggled breathing, screaming
Blurred, tears cascading, "Where am I," thoughts conflicting
"Where's my escape," cold shoulders
Heat rising, "how did I get here"
Fear brewing, lips purse, teeth clattering
Eyes bulge then blink rapidly, deep breaths
Words unspoken, holding tongues, fists clench
And eyes get red, skin hot, delirious
Streams trickle down mounds
Glssy reflections appear then eyes shut
Utter blackness and falling
Falling down into a black pit
A pit that has no bottom


Last stanza (a different take)(optional)
A piercing alarm sounds as she greets me
A smile instead of offering an explanation
As I realize that it was never real

5/31/12

Enclosed, separated from the outside world
Watching scenes from behind a window pane
Defeated, trapped in a different world
Becoming unconscious of existence but still sane
Motionless, lifeless until another inhale is felt
Nothing to keep its company except a black curtain
No freedom nor independence, reaching for an escape
Swallowing every bit of criticism, negativity and disapproval
Lenses begin to blur as black clay runs down cliffs
Sudden bursts of red appear, exhaling as energy is absorbed
For once, it feels like everything will be okay

9/26/12


Blots of crimson cloud

Waterfalls,splashing the surface

One by one

All of them fell

Dripping unto the stone cold floors

One intertwining with the other,making swirls

Making its lazy journey across the once-spotless squares

Streams of faint red following the way the grain went

Guilt chased innocence until it hid from sight

Red rained on guilt and then,a quietness formed

A quietness that even made innocence sick

I'm on the porch
Watching the rain
Dance on the sidewalks
Wishing I could get soaked
And saturated in love expressed by heaven's tears
She's tired of letting the sun outrule her
She's tired of pretending to be okay
And I get it
Because I'm at that moment too

It's about time to head home

Maybe the sky is sobbing because I can't hear you yell my name
I can't hear you telling me that it's getting late

As if I'm going to be exposed to some deadly disease
As if nature was bad for me
As if nature wasn't kind

But then, again, I wish your voice had been louder
I never got to hear it really

I wish the clouds weren't throwing tantrums
Demanding to be heard
Begging to be wanted
I silently almost pleaded with the skies to stop

I wanted to hear your melancholic call
I wanted to hear you say my name again and again
I wanted to be wanted just like the atmosphere wanted to let it all out

But most of all, I wanted you to have run after me as I walked away
Pretending I didn't notice you beckoning me

You almost broke
That was the closest I had seen your walls be shattered
You didn't notice me looking at you but I saw it in your eyes

We were all crying
Not only could I tell by your heaving figure in the corner of my eye
Not only could we tell by the banks of water pitter-pattering
But I started crying after I turned the corner
And that's because you didn't chase me
You didn't follow me

I knew it before I started heading in the opposite direction
Because you knew I'd be gone for awhile

But I'd always come back

I always had hoped you'd open up to me

If I disappeared
It might have started an argument

At least I would know if you cared

It'd be after midnight
When I'd start to walk back home
Long before the rain stopped

And you'd be there
Waiting for me

As if I had never left
As if I deserved nothing
Nothing new
But silence
And a *cold shoulder

11/15/12

Disillusioned
My eyes want to bleed tears
Tears that haven't been able to form
Until this moment or at least soon..
When the flower is dried,
All she wants is to be alive once more
But, once, the rain pours and pours for days,
Cries can be heard all around
No longer about life but death
No longer thankful but reluctant
And the unimaginable..
The rejection of nature..Like me being rejected
Beautiful, but rejected
Laughing but it's different
It's like when you're in the middle of laughing
But all of a sudden, you feel like you've been slapped
Drowning..stop

I wrote this on 10-27-12 and I wrote 2 versions of the poem.. I didn't know which one was better..Tell me what you think guys .. Also on the first version I was wondering if I should add a last line which would be "Last night's chaos" however I think it might take away the effect? or maybe it sounds more like a song sort of thing if I add it? But it's a great style..I mean repetition, you know? Feel free to comment ..It would be greatly appreciated

#1 (Original verson)


Clearly irregular
Jagged triangles
Piercing pain
Needles pinching flesh
Drowning the shards
Flowing red
Transcending across them to the door
It was from last night
Last night's chaos
The door, the only escape from this mess
And all this will be forgotten
As I shove the door ajar,
My eyes blur as I see your hand
And we're back to last night


Version #2

All of them forming an icy floor
Clearly irregular jagged traiangles
Piercing pain as needles pinch flesh
Flowing red curtains drown the shards
Transcending across them to the door
It was from last night's chaos
The door, the only escape from this mess
And all this will be forgotten
Every step an act of strength
Forcing my eyes to stare down the door
To force it open and As I meet my new life
As I shove the door ajar
My heart stops and I hear the glass shattering again
My eyes blur in a split-second as I see your hand
And we're back to that night
We're back to last night

The agony is killing me
Does he ever talk about me?
Does he ever think about me?
Does he ever dream about me?
Or has he forgotten about me already?
Does he cringe every-time he remembers me?
And what exactly does he remember?
Has he really forgotten me?
Or does he refuse to remember the time we spent together
In rehab?
And how we made all those promises?

3-6-13

Here, alone
Outside, danger lurking
Inside, safe but uncomfortable
There, not understood
And alone.

Tension on both ends
Pressure the outcome of both decisions
Like a seesaw
Never steady
Only shaking
Like a tealight
Flickering amongst the darkness
One more huff
and I'm nonexistent
Blending into the darkness

3-6-13

Prose..?
------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------------------------

As I stared past a man who walked by,
I wondered if anything is ever meant to be;
Why people are always leaving.

I shifted in the chair as I looked
At the clock
On the far back wall.

I thumbed through the pages of the book
I carried in my hands
I had no intention of ever reading.

I wondered why my life had no meaning
As I peeled off the skin
That was around my chipped nails.

I let out a small sigh
As I straightened
My hurting back.

I crossed my legs
And pushed aside my mangled thoughts
And closed my eyes
And inhaled slowly.
"In another life"

I found one of my long lost poems!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------­----------------------

Like waking up
Like lying down
Like blanking out
Blink, blink, and all I see is darkness
Piercing, but distant
An unknowing, but growing
Yearning to be let out
Thump, thump; what do you want?
Dazed, thump again, steadying
Hitting the floor, shattering
Glass everywhere
Footsteps; when will they stop? hushed voices
Echoing, illusions; what just happened?
Thump, thump, thump
I can hear your heart
Burdens, regrets, mistakes
Everything runs together
I follow along, and then....no more

Nadamas quiero dejar de pensar en las cosas
Cosas que no deben de formar
Cosas que no quiero que sean realidad
Ay las tantas veces..
Que las e pensado
Cada noche cuando estoy sola
Las noches que lloraba
Por pensar en ti
Y todo lo que ha pasado
Como me siento
Que no puedo
Cambiar el pasado ni la situacion

The taste of tobacco lingering on my tongue
My tongue is split and covered in snow
White smoke is escaping my lips
It reminds me of him and his clothes
As well as his chapped soft pink lips
That were caused by waiting in the icy wind

11/5/12

Staying silent
Barely breathing the crisp air
In the night
Not a soul in sight.. No one to see my pain
Streetlamps flicker
Looking at them then away
To take everything in
While outside, in the fresh air
Outside the confinements of conservative opinions
Out in the world
On the porch
It's as real as it gets
My thoughts and myself
Someone could be watching but no one was
Wondering what is time
Staring past the lights, into the black
Turning my eyes away to try not to cry
To not let the lights smile brightly as my lips quiver
To not be exposed
To not let the world steal my soul
To not let anyone hear what troubles turn someone into
To stop the world from laughing