Note: I wrote this sometime in the middle of June.

Silver, grey, slate, metallic, pink, tan, yellow,
Lime green; they were all the same..
As a door opened, a church bell rang
Another color flashed
Stop it? Stop it. Blue. Sky blue...
The full moon seen out a square
Open window with no pane..
No nothing.. naked, just naked..
Dark blue..
Beauty in it's obscenity

Days numbered, staring into the sun
Silence, blinding, flickering, silence..
Raindrops falling into the deepest of valleys
Never ending, disappearing, hazy, silence..
Forgetting eternity, drenched in fret, into hiding
Drowning cries, blending into backgrounds
Glistening, blurry, ever so present but invisible
Near, but lonely, a shout, flickering, silence..
A drop of salt and water hit the ground..
Eyes stinging, numb, struggled breathing, screaming
Blurred, tears cascading, "Where am I," thoughts conflicting
"Where's my escape," cold shoulders
Heat rising, "how did I get here"
Fear brewing, lips purse, teeth clattering
Eyes bulge then blink rapidly, deep breaths
Words unspoken, holding tongues, fists clench
And eyes get red, skin hot, delirious
Streams trickle down mounds
Glssy reflections appear then eyes shut
Utter blackness and falling
Falling down into a black pit
A pit that has no bottom


Last stanza (a different take)(optional)
A piercing alarm sounds as she greets me
A smile instead of offering an explanation
As I realize that it was never real

waves, full of life
running alongside you
back and forth, restless
tides acting like fingers
wiping away the salt
from the corners of your eyes
telling you that life never stops
doesn't stand still, even for you

8-27-11
Note: (Not meant to confuse but--) I realized that I had been questioning, but what I did not know was that it was only the beginning. I think this is rather prose.


It was so windy outside
I stood there
Taking in all the sights around me
I couldn't absorb anything
I continued to stand there
I could not memorize the scene it seemed
This is all I knew
For most of my life, I became bored with everyday scenes
Tonight, I couldn't get enough
It had been forever since it felt so good
It was not hot nor cold
It was perfect to think about things
I hated how I was always thinking
However, in atmospheres like this weren't the same
It was like my problems went away
I had found comfort and clarity
I saw the streetlamps and the shadows
The trees were swaying
Everything seems to be alive
Everything was moving in a rythmic movement
I stood there, paralyzed , the only one that remained unchanged
Something seemed completely different
It felt almost foreign
The atmosphere had changed
I don't know what it was
I knew there was something
What was I doing alone?
I saw the deep blue, almost indigo spacious eternity
The stars glimmered brightly
And all I saw was your face

11/15/12

Disillusioned
My eyes want to bleed tears
Tears that haven't been able to form
Until this moment or at least soon..
When the flower is dried,
All she wants is to be alive once more
But, once, the rain pours and pours for days,
Cries can be heard all around
No longer about life but death
No longer thankful but reluctant
And the unimaginable..
The rejection of nature..Like me being rejected
Beautiful, but rejected
Laughing but it's different
It's like when you're in the middle of laughing
But all of a sudden, you feel like you've been slapped
Drowning..stop

9/26/12
Note: I don't title a lot of my poems.
I think it takes away the effect..
  

They saw me before I saw them

There were many of them

Thousands and thousands of butterflies

They watched me as I lay in the grass

They seemed so free

So light, so beautiful

I wanted to be like them

But I was in the grass

Bound to the earth

They, loose, in the air

I couldn't get up, I know, because I kept dreaming

Staring at the vivid colors blending together like a painting

I dreamed that I was in that painting

But it didn't change anything

It just made me realize something

That I wasn't amongst them

I wasn't free

5/31/12

Enclosed, separated from the outside world
Watching scenes from behind a window pane
Defeated, trapped in a different world
Becoming unconscious of existence but still sane
Motionless, lifeless until another inhale is felt
Nothing to keep its company except a black curtain
No freedom nor independence, reaching for an escape
Swallowing every bit of criticism, negativity and disapproval
Lenses begin to blur as black clay runs down cliffs
Sudden bursts of red appear, exhaling as energy is absorbed
For once, it feels like everything will be okay

11/5/12

Staying silent
Barely breathing the crisp air
In the night
Not a soul in sight.. No one to see my pain
Streetlamps flicker
Looking at them then away
To take everything in
While outside, in the fresh air
Outside the confinements of conservative opinions
Out in the world
On the porch
It's as real as it gets
My thoughts and myself
Someone could be watching but no one was
Wondering what is time
Staring past the lights, into the black
Turning my eyes away to try not to cry
To not let the lights smile brightly as my lips quiver
To not be exposed
To not let the world steal my soul
To not let anyone hear what troubles turn someone into
To stop the world from laughing

11/6/12


I look left and see a pale pink sky

Right, no longer a gray sky but a blue

If we had to pick which one we were

Everyone would rush to say pink

I'd pick the other..

Not because that's me, but because it's..

The one that stays the same

The one that gives me hope

The one that gives me strength to live

For me to be able to move on breathing steadily

Walking in a sense

But literally, crawling..

Away, in a dream
Close, in reality
When you wake
You come to find
That you were close
All along

10/31/12

Love, a distant idea
Some think it's happiness
Some, pain
Some, a nusiance
But love is a sacrifice
Not all magical
But a beautiful painting of compassion

8/31/12

What makes thoughts scatter
Exhiliration normal
Hearts tender
& eyes sparkle?

What makes pain invisible
Tears incapable
The soul warm
And lips into crescents

What makes voices inaudible
Everyday scenes art
Nature a fantasy
And life made for us?

A term widely used but
rarely understood
More rare than the largest-cut diamonds
Or most unique-colored pearl
Something thought to be seen, but unseen
Like fine grains of sand being blown into the wind
On a constant journey but never disappearing
Existing quite profoundly but hidden
Beauty in simplicity, a flower in the rain
Greater than looking into the night sky
It's breathless like looking into the ocean of stars
If only swimming in the lights were possible
Like they light up the night with their splendor
Stars transforming the dark into day
Love is very real, stealing death and transforming it
Into beautiful magic
That being life..hope

Sitting out amongst the black sky
Gray smoke swirling like vipers
Their tongues like veins and roots of trees
Every one reaching the dangerous ocean his own way
Hitting the roof and disappearing
Disappearing in the black eternity
The black hole of hope
As well as the drain of dreams
Some of them fly past the roof
Trying to reach farther into the darkness
Into something that doesn't make sense
My ashes just hit the floor
That was my escape
When did it stop being slow motion?

8-30-13

I raise my hand
I'm begging for help
My veins are like wind chimes
Dangling in the wind
Begging to be let out
To be visible
To make music
Music of the weak
To be vibrant sparklers
To run down steep banks
It's their fantasy to be free

The light hits my lids
Telling me to be happy
Almost tricking me into thinking that I could be
If I just wanted to
If only it was that easy

Not even the real sun
My house is dark  
My kitchen light is on
And it's barely 1 am

My emotions match the atmosphere outside
My head is laying on the counter
My hands and arms are covering my eyes
Someone please turn off the light

My eyes try to open
But the sun is too bright

I don't want to cry
So I close my eyes

I try to keep it in
To show that I'm strong

It's so hard sometimes
So I squeeze them shut

I open them again
When I hear laughter

I wish I could go outside

But is is too dificult for me

If I could just smile..

But I feel pain
I feel remorse

I feel weak and little

I don't want to time-travel
So I block the images out

I close my eyes

I force them to **shut

The agony is killing me
Does he ever talk about me?
Does he ever think about me?
Does he ever dream about me?
Or has he forgotten about me already?
Does he cringe every-time he remembers me?
And what exactly does he remember?
Has he really forgotten me?
Or does he refuse to remember the time we spent together
In rehab?
And how we made all those promises?

They felt cold against the warm
Water droplets that bled
Down the curves of her body
And into the deep creases
She had marked into herself
Like tattoos acting as record logs
The number of times
She felt she was worthless
The times she had wanted to disappear
Into those ****** trenches
Each tear hurt her more
Than the one before

It is August 22th.
Nothing special happened today.
Like usual.
Just disappointments and expectations destroyed.
Sirens.
Will you still love me when I'm no longer young?
And beautiful?
Will you still care?
Will you still wait?
If I got locked away,
Would you still love me the same?

I don't like what I see
I hate seeing it
The sadness
And the dirt
That covers the beauty
Or so they say

I'm one of those clowns
With the teardrops painted on
I was so close to getting them tattooed
I feel *****, I feel used
Like the grime can never wash off

What can I do?
What can I say?
To be a normal teenager once again

What should I say?
How should I act?
For people to never ask me "what's wrong?" again?

Here I am once again
Staring into the bathroom mirror
With tears on my cheeks
And on my lips

Daring them to slide off my chin
And down my arms
Daring them to turn red
Before I do it myself

Please just turn red on your own
Or I will be forced to hurt that ugly girl in the mirror again
That used, rotten little girl
Who put herself in such a situation
She deserves it, doesn't she?

She's trying to make me feel sorry by crying again
As my blade slides across my wrist,
I recall what a selfish rotten girl I was
For turning in a good Christian boy in

2-19-12

Bright glares hitting your skin
Smooth and caramel
Made me think of the beach
And how easy it was to give in