Buzz
Buzz
Buzz
My chest feels like it's buzzing
Like a joke
I'm not any more awake but I'm definitely not asleep, just a whole lot more anxiety.
Buzz
Buzz
It's like getting a notification
On a phone
Walking feels like a daze.

I want to stop hearing my voice
In everything I write.
I used to not hate it so much,
But every time I talk,
It's too high,
It's too girly,
It's too something or other,
I just want
To hear the voice
Of a boy

I want to stop writing about him
But I see him everywhere.
In the eyes of every teen boy
With a bad haircut and
A V-shaped smile,
And big eyes,
And a scruffy chin.
I get the memory of it on my neck,
And his hands on my chest,
And then wandering,
I couldn't write this a month ago,
I'm trying to be okay with it,
I'm trying to not be afraid of it,
I'm trying not to be afraid of him
I avoid him at all costs but
I get to class late and
I can't stop thinking
About the day he looked at me
And he smiled
And I felt special.
And I find myself wishing,
I found myself thinking,
I could have left it all then.

I'm going to be better
Than what I was before.
I don't want to make false promises
I don't want to make false threats
I want to mean what I say
And say what I mean
I want to be better
Than I was before.
I'm sorry I didn't stop before
He got to me, before
I left you behind in the heat, before
I lost everything in my blood, before
I forgot who I really was.
I'm sorry.

My ears underwater
I open my eyes, and stare
At the water dripping
And flowing into the tub.
I can't  hear anything
Except for my thoughts down here
And the sound of water
As it beats on the surface
It brings my mind quiet
But sounds quite loud from down here
I consider leaving
The water on a while more
I close my eyes and breathe
I just want to listen now

My whole life is made of acts,
Different roles to play in peoples lives,
Different things I feel I should be.
And I'm sorry,
I don't want want to play anymore