Ah!
She's latina thigh
Ice cream
With shining blank
Teeth, skin, and soul
She gazes fiercely
Though terrified
At this sluggish life
Her quiet cotton voice
Stabs me in the chest
Baby, take my blood
Take my eyes
And whatever morsel of soul
You can **** from my body
I'm on fire
Forever burning lust
Like gasoline
For you
I clench my fists
And want to scream
You are inspiring
Honey, you look
So good

First
She walked out
And I had to learn
That I was a coward
An orphaned lover
An old house cat
Abandoned
In a grocery store parking lot
I had to face it again
The emptiness
I smoked all of those nights
Away
I was numb
I was nothing
I lost 30 lbs in 2 months
Then it all caught up with me
One night my heart started beating
Rapidly
I couldn't breath
Started to shake
I sat in a corner and watched
The room grow ten times it's size
I heard a static crack in the ears
I was lost and unhuman
I was a rabid dog trapped in a corner
I felt sick for weeks after
So
I gave up the ***
Switched to drinking
Whole bottles of whiskey
128 lbs, shirtless, screaming
The fellas laughed at the beginning
Until I started throwing ****
Trying to fight everybody, anybody
I had 3 new catch phrases
"I'll ****** **** you man"
"I'll smash all your ******* teeth in"
"I've seen it all man."
After a while it became
Too much for the fellas
And soon they were all gone
So
I found better company
Dostoevsky, Fante,Bukowski,Hemingway,
Hamsun,Lorca,Sartre, etc.
I found a ****** apartment
in San Pedro
Drank beer and read every night
Until the loneliness felt comfortable
And then I
Accidentally
Became alcoholic
Then i took my wild act
To the streets
A few weeks ago I was at a concert
And this guy kept elbowing me
In the ribs
I said "If you keep sticking that elbow
To me, I'll ****** **** you man."
I said it cool and soft
And the guy looked real scared
And I was too
So
I had to quit drinking...
I keep thinking about
Zarathustra
Rising from his cave
After years of solitude...
A guy at work said
"November's almost gone
Man, this year just blew right by"
And I thought
'Good.'

Hemingway was real
Good at it.
And
Bukowski,London,Faulkner,Joyce,
McCullers
Fitzgerald,Thom­pson, Kerouac etc.
I've heard 20 year old
Girls
And
40 year old
Women
Speak ill
Of drunks.
I always want to ask
"What did you ever
Accomplish
Sober
That was so
Great?"
Fante always seemed real
Pure to me
The innocence
The young
Burning
Passion
Of his lines.
I read
A biography today
And even
Fante was a *******
Drunk.
I smiled
Exposing the missing tooth
In the back
Cracked the cap
And felt
Even more hopeful.
The blood of
Christ.

I couldn't take it.
Watching people shoveling
****
Into their mouths
While staring at
TV commercials.
Some just sat and
Stared
For a whole 45 minutes
Slouched in a chair
Mouth opened slightly
One hand clutching the opposite arm
Looking down at
the phone occasionally
Like there was something happening.
I couldn't do it
So I started bringing my books
To work.
I wasn't trying to be
Some intellectual
****, I definitely don't look
Or talk like one.
Then it began.
First with the short Mexican girl
"Whatchu reading?"
"Nausea"
"Oh...I wish I could read, buuut...I don't know.. , I get bored, even if its inchressing, ya know?"
"You just have to find the right author."
"Oh...I don't know...my eyes juss get all blurred after I read a long time..."
"Hmm..."
Then the old lady
"Hey! I always see you reading, you must be a bookworm like me! What are ya reading!?"
"Journey To The End Of The Night"
Oh, never heard of it, who's the author?!"
"This french guy. Celine."
"Oh? Ever read Game Of Thrones? I'm reading the series now!"
"No."
The college graduate girl:
"Are you reading Bukowski??"
"Yeah, you a fan?"
"NO!!! He makes me wanna curl up in bed and DIE!"
"Oh..."
And some dude asked about
Anne Rice
" I don't read that ****."
"What about Poe?"
"He's ok, I guess..."
Somebody asked about
Catcher in the Rye
To **** a mockingbird
And I wanted to slap her.
A manager walked in
The **** one
"Ray your always reading. It's cool.
You seem so ...cultured."
I thought about being
Drunk
Shirtless
Screaming
And throwing chairs
The night before
I laughed
"Cultured? I don't know about that..."
When you see
Somebody
Transfixed
By the power of the word
The page
The line
You
Just leave them
The hell alone.

Vomiting in vulture circles
Waiting for a separate self,
A true you,
That you don't know you're
Ignoring
To jam dumb grunts and howls
Into your false face
So that you can be acknowledged
By the others
Picking the meat off rotting carcasses


I can't be like you.
Dance drunk smile
Screaming words
About things outside yourself
That are described by
Tombstone languages
Meaning nothing to what truly is
Ignoring the guillotine gleam
Of past pain and present agony
That make up the true coward within


I can't be like you.
Wandering mindlessly
Unpurposeful purpose
Pretending there is a plan
And a meaning
Thinking about
Kids
Cars
Work
Vacations
Upset by trivial inconvenience
Never pondering the finite mirror fool
That you will have to abandon
Or the immortality of Infinite
Thought bursts
That might actually be thought of
By a blue skinned 4 armed Lord
Living vicariously through the
Useless you

I can't be like you.
You aren't even real...

The lights were still on
As I lifted myself from
The air mattress
To check my back
For bedbug bites
I noticed a young roach
In the sink
He scattered quickly
Then stopped
Staring
As if to dare me
To try and **** him
He was the prideful matador
And I the swollen eyed
Stumbling bull
It was life and death
I tried to smack him
With a water bottle
But he ran and hid behind a pipe
So I took a bottle of aftershave
Tried to drown the *******
In a refreshing burning winterfresh
But he was untouched by the splash
Then he scattered across the wall
I ran and grabbed the worst book
In my collection
The premier book of major poets,
1970
They printed Simon and Garfunkel
In there
I tried to smash the
cunning cockroach
But my fingers touched the
Smashed corpse
Of a previous conquest
I quickly threw the book in disgust
And wished it was the roaches
Wife or mother
Lying dead
Smashed by an awful publication
He ran quickly
Laughing at my frustration
Proud
Then he settled in a hole
Under the edge of the counter
He was the victor
He raised his sword
Toward the sun
And stabbed me in the heart
I fell onto the air mattress
Drooling
The young roach returned to his nest
Proud
He found the fattest female
Flipped her over
With his filthy fluttering legs
He tore open her thorax
Then inserted his roach genitalia
Into the wound
Inseminating her
And assuring his legacy
While I slept
Alone

I can always hear them in there laughing,talking,living.
There must be
3 of them living in that
Small studio apartment.
Their room always smells of
Incense, pizza,marijuana.
I've seen them in the halls
19 year old latinas.
And where should my love belong now?
It is much too dangerous
For a man of 24 to have read
Sartre,Celine,Hamsun.
Ya know,
I often fantasize
About 35 year old women.
Although I have met a lot of
35 year old women
That don't know
****.
Where should my love belong?
Probably exactly where it is now.
But I hope
Not.

She sat across from me diagonally
The husky latina wearing clothes too
Tight
"Now you see here, 0=0 therefore the
Answer is undefined."
I couldn't focus on infinities
She sat staring with her head on folded arms
I couldn't stop watching her legs
They opened and closed slowly in a
Sensual rhythm
"Once you find X you can plug it into the original equation to find Y"
Why?
Her rhythm sped up and I watched
Her push her pelvis down into the
Hard blue metal desk chair
She was really working for it
Was anybody else seeing this?
The sun came in from the window
And laid on top of her
It's shine fell just outside of my reach
I could stretch my arms and touch it
If I wanted to
She stopped the smashing of her
Upper thighs
And began to rub herself back and forth into the uncomfortable chair
"And can anybody tell me WHY we are dividing both sides by 12X?"
I couldn't. I couldn't focus on parallels or horizons
She was going for infinity
She worked it harder and faster
Infinite. Infinite.INFINITE
she began to slow down
Stopped grinding and started the
Thigh smashing again
Slow.
Then she stopped and looked around the room
I looked away
She stood up and placed her purse
In front of her crotch
"The solution is somewhere between
Negative infinity and positive
Infinity."

Reading Kafka tonight
Turning the page then being
Startled
By a dead flower falling
from the middle of the book
I remembered her face
And her soft high voice
I felt it crawl up my backbone again
"Read Kafka, please? Just read it for me, he's really great."
"I might try..."
We were so bad for each other
Brought together
By the pain of our pasts
But she taught me how beautiful the
World could be
Flowers, animals,scents,escaping
She taught me that the whole thing
Is trivial,useless,a bad joke
You could pick up and leave
Whenever you want
And in the end she did
I was real hurt, but now
I am proud of her
I found an anarchist, unemployed, ***** haired beauty
And turned her into a bitter, screaming, money obsessed nurse
It wasn't right
I brushed the dead flower from
The bed
Hoped she had made it
To the cacti and the cold sand
Took a warm sip of whiskey
And got back to Kafka
She was right again
He is great

Like some rusted nail
Pounded
Into rotted wood
In sleep you dream of
Holographic pastels
Of wings riding breeze
Of love flowing
Soothing lava
Then suddenly you are ripped
From lightning lit castles
Awoken by the hammer
And it is brutal and heavy
Pounding pounding pounding
You are pushed deeper into
Rotten foundation
Stuck
Assaulted
Forced
In sleep you dream
Of sour pasts
Reconciled
Blue green seas
The floors of oceans
The solitude of whales
And the hammer comes down again
Pounding pounding pounding
Until you are secured like christ
And some ordinary
Housewife
Hangs some ugly painting
Upon you
She adjusts it a few centimeters left
Then a few to the right
Takes 3 steps back
"Perfect"
And you are buried
Done

It was a pleasure to see you again
Bulldog jawed with that wide fat ***
I wanted to tell you that I used to
Fantasize about you
Your dark flowers covering
My chest
As I feasted like a black bee
Like a disgusting butterfly
On you hair
I feasted again at the party
Last night
There is something about you
Some kind of dumb innocence
Shining from unraped eyes
That I wish I could return
To my heart
And we talked again and I really tried
To pretend to care
And I saw you frown at me when
They said "Better take it easy on the
Beers Ray..."
"****, I'm fine, this us only the 7th...
Or 8th..."
"Wait til he gets 2 more in him,
******* crazy!!!"
"Really?" You asked
You looked down at the empty green
Glass and
I looked as well
I saw all the light in the room cram
Itself into those bottles
Then I scoughed
And decided the party was getting
Dull
I had to hijack it
Somebody said
"Ray, tell the story about when you
And your ex were at the hotel for your anniversary"
"Well...****. She said 'ooooh baby, your **** is so big!' and I said 'yeah, biggest you ever had baby?' And she said 'well...no....the biggest I ever had was like 12 inches.'
And I was sore as hell about it
So we started arguing and she started crying and I just sat there drinking a jug of Carlo Rossi all night."
And everybody at the party laughed
And you couldn't believe I would say
Something like that
Then you asked "Ray, what size shoe
Are you?"
"11"
"False advertisement" you said.
Then I started screaming
"Hey! It's A DECENT SIZE, ILL PULL MY **** OUT RIGHT NOW, I DONT GIVE A ****"
And I stood up and unbuttoned my jeans
And some laughed
and the party hosts looked concerned
And I saw a scared fascinated and
Disgusted look in your eyes
"LETS GO TO THE BATHROOM, ILL SHOW YOU, NOBODYS EVER COMPLAINED ABOUT IT"
And I rambled on and on
And cleared the whole room again
Anyways,
It was a pleasure to see you again.

Wildflowers
Of sun soaked orange
And blood soil red
Pale sobbing violet
Dancing gently in cold breeze
Dancing gently in hell fire
They are no doubt alive
Statued in dirt
Reaching toward rain cloud
There is just nowhere else to go
There is nothing else to do
But dance during dog **** showers
But dance during petal wilting
But dance until root rot
Wildflowers
Screaming at the fire
Trembling in moonlight
They are no doubt alive
Forcing themselves to continue
While feeling as insane as
I

Just knock that
Screaming
Hunk of ****
Off the wall
With a broom.
Rip out the battery.
Hope the landlord doesn't
Knock on your door.
Open another beer.
It's the
Least
Of your troubles
Anyways.

They shoot the blackbirds
In locked cages
For singing of living freely.
They say
"No! No! No!
Those birds are insane
Bums
Losers
Dead to society.
Now,
Go to work
Go to school
Stop at stop signs
Marry
Have children
And pay taxes."
But I heard the lunatic chirping
Riding on the echo
Of a shotgun blast
It said
"Nothing really matters
And the people aren't as important
As they think.
The boundaries they set
Never really existed.
Now quit your job
Throw your wallet in the garbage
And run naked in the streets"
It sounded beautiful
And I can't seem
To get its ringing
Out of
My skull.
How long should I
Pluck
These black feathers
Of mine?

They often ask
"Did you see _ last night?"
"Do you watch _?"
"No."
I don't have a ******* television.
There are enough
Actors acting
At work
On the street
At mom's house
At the grocery store
At parties
At the bar
I don't want to watch more when
I'm alone.
The dancing spider on the wall
The paralyzed lines of the book
The breathing notes of the music
The slow pour of cold beer
I sit here and stare
At nothing
Just like you

I screamed out
"**** the rent!"
Then pulled out another
20
I stared at all the
Sad
Woman at the bar
All waiting
To be ******
But they had never read Fante
And that bothered me
So I went home
Alone
Opened another beer
And wrote another poem
That nobody
Cared about

When Sartre put us in hell
One of the
Two torments
(other people being the greatest agony)
Was that all of our
Words and movements
Were already
Predetermined.
Yesterday I heard a women
Weeping
"I can't believe he left me. It hurts so bad...but...I know...god has a plan for everyone..."
I was horrified.

Walking down a mournful street
In a heartbroken neighborhood
Wasted cement
The birds whispered nervously
The sun shined because
It has to
At the base of a sagging wood fence
I saw the paws of a pitbull
Digging frantically
Blood seeping into the mud
She paused to poke her snout
Through to the other side
I stopped and thought
You poor beast
The people and the wind
Are just as cruel
On this side
But I felt real foolish when
That dog broke free
Ripped a child from a mothers arms
Devoured it
In a bed of flowers
Then crawled back under its fence
While the sun kept shining
Because
It has to

I was suppose to be in Vegas right now...
Sitting at the nickle slots enjoying a
Fat cigar and free drinks
Losing more
Money,life,sanity
A flashing light, Bell ringing suicide
I even had a coke deal lined up
So I wouldn't have to sleep for
The weekend.
But life got in the way
It always does
Broken down truck,having to move
To a different **** shack
I can't afford Vegas or coke or cigars
Or life
So here I am
On "vacation"
4 days off of work
Locked in the room
Staring into the mirror and assaulting the typewriter
Sanity crawls away like a fat maggot
With a belly full of rot
I gotta get out of here...
I leash myself to Thurber's hounds
And begin to walk to the library
I pass the farmers market
Where the stench of the smiles and
Burnt pork pollutes the smog filled
Air
I look into the crowd to find a face that looks as human as
I feel
It is not there
I shoot down 9th past the 99¢ store
And there is a homeless black guy
Standing next to his bedding
And a stack of books
I look down and on top there is
Homer's Illiad and Thoreau's Walden
(For real! No ****!)
I nod and hope this man believes
His journey is not over yet
I walk into the filthy old library
Return Thurber
He reminded me how insane women
Can be
Maybe loneliness isn't that bad
I walk over to the fiction section
And pick up Dostoevsky's shorts
I was thinking about "White Nights"
In bed last night
And couldn't remember the final line
It really spoke to me
I sit at a cold wooden table
And turn to the last page of the story
"Only a moment of bliss? But isn't that sufficient for the whole of a
Man's life?"
Oh yeah....that's good.
I thumb back a few pages then
Continue reading
Christ... They even broke Dos's heart?
How cruel was she?
I put it back on the shelf and walk back home
I get caught behind an old woman
She is wearing poisoness perfume
Tight sweat pants and I can see her
Diaper
She walks with a walker
Picking through bushes of flowers
For cigarette butts. It made me sad.
I walk back into my room and lock the door
I think about all the madness that
Went on within this
Paid for prison
I am going to miss it.
This is where I decided I wanted to
Write
I stare into the mirror again
This is going to be
A long vacation...

Drink a beer
The 6th one
Square up
And stare in the mirror
Watch your chest
Rise and fall
Remember
The blood
The pain
Scars
And all those times
You weren't afraid
It still stands
Look into its eyes
Don't forget that stare
When your sobered up
In the morning
Remember
That you are one tough
*******

It happened while listening to a song
An old song i used to hear when
She was around
It happened while somewhere far
Away
The purple blossoms began to die and fall from the tree
And somewhere further she lied next
To another man
Feeling that same howling loneliness
She felt with me
That old song put me right back into
That dim room
Lying next to her
Feeling full
Full of love fear joy and
That underlying loneliness
I am always running  from
I listened to the song and began to
Tear up
I haven't cried in two years
I haven't cried because I haven't
Loved since then
I tried to shake it off and
Focus on the boxing match I was
Watching
But that ******* song kept
******* me back into that dim room
We used to lay around lifeless,jobless,
Starving
Eating a box of Bisquick and each other's souls all day and night
I thought I was missing her
But no, it wasn't that
It was never really love
We were just two wounded spiders
Trying to devour one another
I missed feeling full.
I missed the days without this
Immense burning
I missed the days without death die
Destroy
I missed living *******
The song ended
The  tears never fell
But I came pretty ****** close
Then I felt that ugly humongous
Mountain
Crawl off my chest
I felt the drowning rats climb out of my gut
I walked outside
And watched the purple blossoms
Die from the tree
And the air tasted sweet
And my body felt light
The war is over. The war is over.
My god. I hope my war is over.

I was thinking of a poem
About a girl I saw
With a starved face
Eyes bulging
Teeth protruding
A screaming skeleton of despair
I saw her and thought
I could love you...
But that was interrupted
By a poem about a new fondness
For sleeping pills
Numbness
I once tried to cry at night
But couldn't
And I felt like a real
******* for even trying...
I walked into the bathroom
And threw a few jabs
And right hooks
Into the mirror
I thought
I'm 5'7
145 lbs
Just like Barrera, Morales, Chavez
All the great Mexican fighters
I walked out and thought of quotes
By Fante, Sartre, something Hemingway said
I looked at all the people around me
And thought
They couldn't quote anybody
Jesus Christ!
What the hell do THEY think about?
It must be terrifying!
They don't read
They don't scream
They don't fight
They don't go on drinking binges
Where's the scars?
Where's the passion?
Where's the life?
But then I noticed
They were all smiling
Talking
Laughing
Walking
Together
I suddenly felt a massive
Heaviness
Upon me
I noticed it had been there
All along
Maybe
I've been doing it all wrong

They sell **** to poor people.
But its OK.
They are poor too.
I love that fiction book section.
I feel like I'm getting one over on them.
Hemingway,$1. Saroyan, $1,The Bronte girls,$1,D.H., $1, Sartre,$3, Camus...25¢...
I walk to the counter
"Your total is...$10."
They feel like they're getting one over on me.
Anyways...
(****...I've been drinking. It makes everything seem
poetic.)
I'm standing in the fiction section.
It's next to the women's bathroom
And it reeks like demon's ****.
I stand staring
Lobotomized.
So many titles
So much ****.
But... you never know...
(****... I was just thinking about the time I made a *** tape at 15...)
I found some more
Hem, Voltaire, Joyce .
I was having an
Ok
Day.
Then I smelled it.
Lavender on fire
In a torched
Green-black forest.
I looked over.
A beautiful blonde
Knelt down
Searching the very bottom row
Of the fiction section.
Christ...
May I combust
Now
And never see another
Sight.
She stood up
And stepped closer to me
Our shoulders touched.
"Sorry" she smiled
Green eyes.
I never notice eyes.
Green eyes.
"That's alright."
...*****...
She stood right next to me
Maybe, 10 minutes.
Say something
You lonely miserable *******...
All that reading you've done
She is browsing at fiction...
Say something, ******!...
Then her friends walked over
"Hey,(sunburntlavendardrippinginnapalm) you ready to go?"
"Hold up..." She exhaled
Say something
You drunkard lonely *******.
She stood up.
Looked at me.
Then left.
Green eyes.
I exhaled
Looked at the bottom shelf.
SHE, was there again...
Carson McCullers.
The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter
With her
"You'll never finish me, Ray." Smirk.
I smirked back.
Took her up to the counter...
$3.

With hair strung down like
Arachnid spit
Sleeping lakes ripple in terror
At your feet
Jigsaws torn by frustrated agonized
Hands
Pieces that will never fit
Never did
I want to polish it like a trophy for the sun
But instead watch it spoil
Dry tangerine in a humid attic
It's just never good enough
Make like the chimera
Like the souls of iguanas
It's just never good enough
But you don't have to be
That
No, not at all

I woke this morning
With no hangover
After the 10 beers last night
I made a *** of hot black coffee
Slugged it down
Listened to the local jazz AM
While enjoying the absence of the sun
The cold grey clouds
are better company
I read a few shorts by Hem
And a couple pages of Dos
I got off the mattress
And threw a few jab and hook
Combinations toward the window
I got dressed
Walked past the picture of Fante
On my wall
Then I ****
In the community bathroom
Of my roominghouse
I thought about
What a man is
Should be
Probably not this
But definitely not
My father
And I was far from that
I tried my best to be
Far from all of that

Inhaling unsure
Heart screaming existence
Pounded like fightorflight
Loveorlone
Wake like the anxiety of
Dandelion fields finished
With their morning prayers
My love stands massive
Though trembling

As you drip smooth
Jagged wet blackrock
Choke index pointer with falling
Black curls
Belly empty and flattened against
Peach Egyptian cotton
$62.85
Ignoring life like
Pink flavored lip gloss
Like 60 text messages per day
(Oh how awful to have to use text message in a poem)
Throwing my head back now
****** wild eyed fanged cub of
A beast
Her twirling midnight nothing
Kicking smooth oak legs like
Drowning
On clean soft sheets
At 4 pm.....

I swept the cockroach carcass's
From behind the fridge.
Bought a beautiful cactus
With pink blossoms and
Long strands of hair.
I picked up the empty beer bottles
And *** rags from around the bed.
I am dying.
I bought a bookcase
Saved the immortal stacks from
The cancerous dusts.
I washed the sheets,pillowcases, blankets,and my two good shirts.
I am dying.
I noticed it breathing down my bare
Back
As I sat at the smith-corona 220
Drinking
Green tea...
I remember August,2014
I stood in the mirror
Drunk on a whole bottle of whiskey
Finally alone
I told IT
"I'm gonna run you right into the ground *******."
And it was
Hard
But I did it.
I lied down on the clean bedding
Last night
In the dark.
I am dying.
I noticed it lying beside me
With its cold blond hair
Waiting on my chest.
Then I felt
A warm soothing calm
Pour through my bloodstream
I thought "its done now"
I closed my eyes and saw
A door made of shadows in a dark
Room
With a static white light
Seeping through the cracks.
I heard something knock twice
No, not some glowing god.
Not some bright saving faith.
I opened the door, it was something like self forgiveness,
Like bad karma quitting.
A funeral for a
2 ton depression.
I am dying
I can smell it.
What is one supposed to do about
It?
Live.

I am going to buy
A ******* cowboy hat
And lick the heels of suicide
For my 25th
I invited all the guys at work
Then followed with a disclaimer
" i am not responsible for any distasteful or aggressive acts i may, and am planning to, commit at this dysfunctional function"
And the kid at work said
"Ill try to make it, i gotta see this, but i made plans with my girlfriend. Im gonna try to get out of it."
"Just bring her along" i suggested
"Im not takin her anywhere near you man, your disgusting" says the kid
And i didnt mind too much
Because i have skin like a vulture
And am currently reading the
Complete works of De Sade
But i have also read Dostoyevsky's
"White Nights"
And i almost cried
But the kid doesn't need to know that
Let him know me only as the wild
Drunk
That he has heard so much about
Those stories are far more interesting
Than love and loneliness anyways.
I laughed.
"Well...let me know if you can ditch the broad man"
I walked to the break room and read
De Sade's list of different ways to eat
Human ****
He sure got creative in prison
It all made me laugh
Then the girl with the dark tangled
Burning forests hair walked in
And she smelled of the
Death of winter
Pulsating green and the sludge of
Forgotten Decembers
And i could  taste
What Justine was trying so hard
To protect
Well....anyways....
Heres to 25 down
And 25 more to go.
I am the fool
Like Ironheart.

25 pale blue julys
My moon floats soggy and
Dimming
Breaking apart and
Sinking
Amongst this
Acid sunshine
I am a peacock in eels skin
And i want to remember to forget
All those awful Septembers
Hack them off of my skin
But they regenerate quickly
Like stubborn tumors
I am just the dust on a napping cat
I hold the bottle up to my lips
Like a samurai sword to the throat
Except with much less honor
I pull the chain on the overhead
Light
It flickers a bit
Then decides to sleep
And the stars follow me like
Night gnats
And i put my body down
Forever or just tonight
It is not up to me
25 pale blue julys
The worm crawls up
Past the rain
Tastes the sun
And laughs

Wipe my pollen dust
From your lavender scented
Christ ****** fingers
Milk knuckles shredding
My wings
Like sunburned bible pages
Sighing much like an owl
At 2PM
Or the honey badger
Chewing frozen mice
Behind plexiglass
My heart is a massive
Black bull
Pacing the ring
Always waiting for the sword
Ah! Not anymore!
I am bored of the crawling clocks
I am bored of your necessary
Torture
Today i will call in sick
Burn my wallet
And dance naked
Until moon drown
Im taking my bright orange
Black striped
Silk dotted
Heart back

My god
It CLACKS like a
*******.
Every key
Combusts like a homicide bullet
Hacks like a machete in 100 degree
Heat
Every word brings
Guilt,pleasure
The neighbors will surely
Pound on the walls
Going insane
From the power of
The typewriter.
I'm 24 in 2015
I've never touched one of these
Things.
When I brought it up to the counter
Of the 2nd hand store
The clerk was a few years younger
Than me
He looked at me like I was catshit
Crazy.
I also bought 2 1940s editions of
The Bronte sisters
That did not help my
Questionable  sanity...
I like this old thing
Every key is ******
And you must live with all your
Mistakes.

I opened the mini fridge to
Keep the roaches away from my
Crunchy honey peanut butter and
Apple jam.
I pushed aside the southern comfort
And saw a hunk of shining tin foil
I opened it up
"Ohh yeah...****..."
It was all of my love
But the tears had evaporated.
It smelled a bit stale.
And the edges were starting to
Harden.
I took a bite.
"Still good."
I couldn't let it go to waste.
But what to do with it?
I couldnt eat it myself, that would be
Odd.
Like performing self *******.
So I called an old girlfriend
"Hey I still have a big hunk of this, it would be a shame to have it spoil."
"No... No. That stuff started to make
Me sick. Last time I had it I broke out
In hives."
"Alright,well...how've you been?"
"Great!"
"Great." Great.
I stuck the foil into my pocket and walked outside.
Somebody might want it.
I saw a homeless women
Sitting cross legged in a pile of filth.
"Spare change?"
"Can't. But I have this..."
She looked at it and frowned.
"The hell am I gonna do with THAT?"
I was starting to think this stuff was
Useless.
I took another bite.
If I could perform self ******* I
Probably would.
Then I threw a piece into a pile of
Manure.
And, I'll be ******. A flower sprouted.
It looked like a sunflower with
Cactus quills.
I threw a piece to a pigeon and it took it and it
Turned into some kind of
Raven-peacock and it
Screamed and flew towards the sun.
I took a piece and threw it to the ants
And their hill turned into a mountain
That shined like a diamond.
I'll be ******...
The stuff is still
Good.
I put the rest into my pocket
As I crossed the street
And I heard a car screech.
I looked up quickly
And shouted
"WHATS YOUR PROBLEM *******???!!!"
And banged on the hood.

I woke up.
I could feel
The world spin beneath me.
It was nauseating.
I put on the coffee
And read
"Nothing is true,everything is
Permitted."
-Sabbah
I took a gulp of black
And thought about
"Every existing thing is born without
reason,prolongs itself out of weakness,and dies by chance."
-Sartre.
I took a big gulp of black
Shaved the 2 month old beard
Then stood in the mirror.
A brand new animal.

Mutt-swine
Slobbering madness
Squealing agony
The people are sniffing out your fear
Fur rotted wolves
And the trembling
**** soaked trees
The people are hungry for neck vain
Bathing proudly
In the mud ****
Of each other's suffering
Bald vultures
Picking flesh
Beneath the cruel laughing sun
The people are rabies ridden
Rot bull
Pit weilers
How's a man supposed to stay alive?
Here's the trick:
Find the toughest one
Gut it
Roll in its stench
And walk among the rest
Stiff jawed
Wild tailed
With a hyena smirk
And the density of an elephant
Oh,
And don't forget
To stare them all
Directly in the eye.

I was thinking of old love
Dying love
Love-Hate
That space between the two
That seems to last the longest
In any relationship
That
Fighting for bed space
Saying all the wrong things
On purpose
Waking in disgust
Hating every word
Drunken night arguments
Being able to breathe
When she's away
Love
I would take that kind of love
Right now
Stopped at a crosswalk
On a cold November afternoon
It seemed like all the drivers
Had passengers
I looked over to my right
There was a white haired old guy
In ***** clothes
Eating a gas station hot dog
He reeked of mustard
He glared at me
I looked back at the traffic
And thought
Everybody's going nowhere
But nowhere is somewhere
I hope...

Minimum wage men
With
$200 dollar shoes
And minimum wage women
Expecting $300 bags
From them.
I remember telling my last girlfriend
"WELL...****!... YOU SAID WE WEREN'T GOING TO BUY EACH OTHER ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS! WHY'D YOU BUY ME THIS!!"
she cried
And on the
26th
I bought her a crystal
Necklace on twine
From a Mexican swapmeet
And ice cream
Sandwiches.
I mouth off so much at work
All day
Sometimes
I think I'm
Trying
To get canned.
The higher ups seem
Entertained by it.
I've seen the guys
That sweat
Panic
And dream of sales
Get fired.
While I stand in the bathroom
Writing poems.
I do feel bad about
Not putting effort
Into
IT.
But
I figure...
There are more
Humane traps
Out there.

Veil of suffering lifted
Too hastily
Blind man thriving in
Infant comfortable darkness
Ripped into burning reality
I watch cheap wood paneled walls
Pop and fizzle: they breathe and battle
With true void of nothingness
The once familiar dullness of
All things
Now burstingburningburying
Who's manifesting all this anyway?
I wait in terror
The empty bottles of Mercy
Abandoned me like
Crisp Bible pages torn from
Leather spines
The truth of the universe is just
Too much
The immortality of non living object
And the temporary existant that is
Me
I want to escape:I beg for blindness
I wait
To become non becoming
The clock ties my hands and
Drags me by the feet
Through the stench of reality in it's truest form:
Suffering

I was in my room
Opening the 2nd beer
Watching a light rain
While listening to the AM news
When I got a phone call
From an old friend
"Hey man, whatcha doin?"
"Just at home, havin some beers."
"**** man... Well we're going to the bar tonight man, You wanna ride along?"
I thought, not really.
But the radio was only screaming
"TERROR!"
And it was hard to dance to that
"Alright, I'm down man"
I was gonna see the fellas again
They had taken a long break
From me
They had seen me
Covered in blood
Naked and screaming
Wasting away in a small room
They deserved a break...
We were sitting around the bar
Talkin
"Whatcha been up to man?"
One had blacked out and fell
Down some stairs
He was sporting a broken arm
A missing tooth
He said "I been getting ***** like crazy cause of this! They say it gives me character."
I said "****, sounds like
a good gimmick."
Another had been unemployed for
4 years
He said "*******, I just dropped
$200 on a purse for my girl. Then this ***** asked for a matching $100 wallet!"
I said "Sounds about right, that's exactly why I've been alone for a year."
We laughed
I turned to the door
And saw another walking in
He saw me and dropped
his shoulders
Rolled his eyes
Clenched his jaw tight
I don't think he knew I would be there
He hadnt talked to me all year
After I'd insulted his girlfriend
He sat down at the stool
Farthest from me
We kept drinking
Then I got a text from a girl
Who had read my poems
She said I must be sad
Cause the poems were all stagnant
I thought about a mouthful of
Brown saliva
Where mosquitoes bred
Then chugged the rest of my beer
We decided to leave the bar
Bought a 24 and drove to
my buddies house
The one that hated me
Buddies?
I sat drinking at the house I was
Banned from
While lighting a cigarette
He cracked me in the jaw while I
Wasn't looking
I thought I probably deserved it
I decided not to swing back
Then chugged the rest of my beer
He said "YOUR A REAL ******* MAN! SHES NOT TALKING TO ME CUASE SHE KNOWS YOUR HERE! YOUR A MISERABLE ******* MAN!"
I sat and stared at him
Then he apologized
And put his arm around me
"Look man, I love you man, and I miss hanging out with you. I'm sorry I hit you, but I've been wanting to all year. I love that girl. I'm gonna marry her. You can't say **** like that to her! You've been out of control man."
I said "Well... I had a bad year..."
Then another buddy started crying
And the beer was gone
I felt it was time to leave
I got home
Stripped down and
turned on the radio
I knew I wouldn't see the fellas
For a long time again
But
It was a pretty good
Night

Blistered bronze popped howling
Dragging egg shell through
The china of the parietal lobe
There will always be somewhere
To run to
As for now?
I smash my face in grey rain
Teeth broken by inhale
Softseagreenbreeze exhale
IsmileismileI
Slug knees bloodied inching
Toward eternity finish tape
I smile at that too.

Here she comes now
See the rattlesnakes slither into
Hiding
Among the dying flowers?
Here she comes now.
Like warm blankets for the Indians
Like an infants crib turned casket
Like warm memories devoured by
Alzheimer's.
Remember all the nights you spent
Crying for her?
Here she comes now.
The assassin cuddles up closely
Running soft fingers over your bare chest.
Over your heart.
Here she is.
Remember the nights you thought
Suicide might be more tolerable
Than loneliness?
Here she is.
Staring deep into your tired,sorry eyes.
Into your needy soul.
You wanted her so badly.
Remember?
She does.
She pulls down her pants
And climbs into your bed
And you climb into her
There she is.
Your next death.
You feel so big
And so ******
Small again.

Most days I peek out through the
Kissing black curtains
And death is there
She's always there
Definite and gleaming
Lying in wait
A calm river
Glassy and sparkling
Burning beneath moonlight
What should I do?
What can I do?
To wait seems too foolish
Can't you escape it?
I suppose you can
Immortality
Painting lines on the pages
Of forever.

It's crawling somewhere
Unseen
Amongst tall wild flowers
Breathing slowly
Its lungs expanding with cold crisp
Air.
It's dangling somewhere from old
Willow branches
Photosynthesizing beneath
That tortured immortal sun.
It cannot be confined by money
Or walls
Women
Or half filled liquor bottles
Polluting stale air
It's floating somewhere in a screaming river
No course. No destination.
Destined for never.
I was thinking about it today
As I walked in hungover circles
In the department store warehouse
The manager saw my bloodshot eyes
And asked "WHATS TAKING SO LONG RAY? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE DONE!?"
I think I am done now.
It's burrowing somewhere in burning desert sands.
It's smiling. Smirking.
It's laughing at me.
The moth and the 40 watt bulb.
I think I am done now.
Burning my wings again and again
And again.

I was a sad man
the world was sad
my grandmother gave me a $20 weekly allowance
from some sort of government disability fund
I would walk to the corner of 10th and Walnut and purchase
4 - 40 oz Mickeys, a pack of condoms, and a pack of reds
and met her at the bus stop
some black girls mugged her for some christmas gifts there once...
although it makes me smirk now
being 17 was hard

Tuned to the local classical station
I dont know what has become of me
All the other mid twenties at work
Listen to new **** and love to dance
I like lou reed and tom waits myself
And now im stuck on this classical
Binge
I suppose i will always try to escape
The crowds
Whether it be beneficial or not
This string quartet #8 "Razumovsky"
Finishes up and i drink my 7th beer
And say
In my best classical DJ voice
"That was Frou Frouflau" with his "Twa de La La in B minor"
And i laugh alone
In a dim lit room
Staring at paintings of a dim lit man
Me
And I start to feel
This is the right place
But the wrong time.

It's just sitting there.
Everyones watching the steam
Fade from it
Dancing rapidly
Against the backdrop of a dulling cracked blue
Wall.
It's just sitting there.
Sacred and sickening
A communion wafer tainted with
E coli
Most will accept it
Bow their heads
Hide it beneath their
Tongues.
It's just sitting there.
I want all of it.
All of it's
Agonies
Murderous love
Poisonous loneliness.
I want to spit in its face.
I want to rob this ******
From behind
With my thumb and forefinger
Pushing through my sweater pocket
Pressed against its head.
It's just sitting there.
I'm gonna take the whole
******* thing
Before it takes
Me.

Dangling from old cobwebs
Mummified within lonely fast dying
Saturday evenings.
My heart is ****** dry.
Drained by red lipped, long legged
Arachnids
But not completely.
You see they almost finished me.
But quickly crawled away
Toward the stench of juicier conquests.
So I hang here.
Mummified within loneliness.
But wait...
I can feel this tomb of intricate fine silk
Loosen up a bit.
I scream and kick and crawl out from the dusty old trap
Surprised.
It seems this was no trap at all
But a cocoon.
I was cornered and bled as a fly
But look now,
8 long legs,drooling fangs,murderous hunger.
I crawl to a damp dark untouched
Corner
And learn to spin
My own web
Again.

She was a hideous
Animal
With a long snout
And sharp stained teeth
She crept quickly
In the darkness
Hissing at passerbys
Dragging her rat tail
Through filthy streets
She crossed right in front of me
Turned and hissed
I liked her
We had a lot in common

Still groggy from sleeping pills
I grab a towel and the 3 in 1
Then stumble down the hall
To the community shower of
The old boarding house.
I knock. No answer.
I put the key in the lock.
Push.
The door is locked from the inside.
I knock.
"HEY! SOMEBODY IN THERE??"
no answer.
Push.
"*******!..."
Someone probably sleeps in the tub.
I'll have to drive across town
To my ma's house.
Make an excuse to drop by.
"By the way...you think I can take a quick shower?..."
Still groggy from sleeping pills
I start up the Chevy
"Big Mama" I call her.
She is ***** and sometimes unreliable.
That's why we get along.
I knock on ma's door.
No answer.
I try my key.
Push.
It opens.
I strip down in the bathroom
I don't even need flip flops for this
Shower.
There are a dozen rubber ducks in the tub.
My kid sisters.
I decide that I should not cover them
With my filth.
I line them up along the ***** tub edges.
I turned the HOT up all the way
It burned the way I like.
I started thinking about
Love.
Where had it gone?
I used it like an old toothbrush before
Now, I would sell world peace for it.
What had I done wrong with the last one?
I heard something fall into the tub behind me.
3 rubber ducks.
2 dressed like chickens and 1 like a unicorn.
"Too chicken to be unique?"
I remembered never enjoying the time I spent with the last woman.
I always felt like I was fighting to keep her around.
I was hardly ever myself.
Then 3 more ducks fell into the tub.
A Lion, a Queen, and a cat.
The quiet life I craved.
The small family that I had failed to keep before.
Maybe the ex died and was sending me a message.
Maybe it was just those ******* Sleep pills.
Then another duck fell into the tub.
A pilgrim?
I guess it all meant
Nothing at all...
I stepped out of the shower
Stared into the mirror.
I smiled.
The face looked less ugly this time
And more like an interesting
Abstract painting
"Hmm..."
I opened the door
Prepared to conquer
A new world.

I was about 14
And she told my buddy
"I don't know what it is about Ray,
He's ugly, but I think I'm in love with him. Your much more handsome but I think I'm in love with Ray, I'm sorry, but I have to follow my heart. I'm sorry."
And he told me she left him
And I couldn't understand how she could be so young and feel so
Passionate
About me
About anything
I didn't know anything about
Love
About as much as I would
Ten years later
Well, she called me a few days later
"Hey, I just wanted to get something
Off my chest. I think I'm in love with
You,
Your the funniest guy I ever met."
"Oh...ok."
I was dating this girl with giant sagging ******* and a soggy *** like a 40 year old woman
and that seemed more important.
"I'm with T, I don't think I can leave her."
"Oh! So you want to be with the ***** with the ******* but not the ***** that really loves you!?"
"I think so."
She hung up.
Where did all that fire come from?
About a month later T left me
So I called the other one up
"Hey. Ive been thinking about it. I think I AM in love with you."
"Really?"
"I think so."
"Prove it then."
"Ok...how?"
"I want you to meet me at the Taco Bell on Broadway, climb on the roof, and scream 'I LOVE A.."
"Alright."
I put on my boots and walked to the Taco Bell
It was raining
I thought "This must be what love is.
Insanity"
She was standing there and I was ready to climb the roof and make an *** of myself
Then she said "Oh, didn't you get my text?"
"No."
"Oh...look...just go home and read it, OK?"
"What about the roof thing?"
"Just go home Ray."
"Ok."
I went home and she said something
About how she was in love with another guy, she said she was sorry
I thought "****, I wish I had that much love inside of me"
I figured I might have a little bit
Cause there was a small burn in
My throat and my gut.

Is nothing special really
I am in my blue checkered boxers
Wearing an unbottoned green flannel
Getting ready for my fourth beer
Listening to classical that I only
Listen to when I drink and/or read
And/or write
And I keep shutting off the typewriter and picking up
James Thurber and the Goethe
And I keep thinking
Wait until spring Suarez
It means something to me today
And then I drop it all
To pick up the beer
There are grapefruits and a cactus
In a broken planter on the tile floor
There is soil and coffee grounds
Down there too
And used shaving razors and Q-tips
And old beers and bad poems
And this one should be there with all
The other trash
But it's here instead
Oh well...
The life and
The sun and
The breeze and
The lungs
Oh well...
Last week I accidentally
Smashed my bookcase while I was
Drunk
And now there are three horrifying
Stacks
Beside my bed
And I hope their dusts
Infect me with their cancer
Forever
Oh well...