I was walking down Gaffey Street
2 am
Drunk with only
The moon
To watch over me
Up ahead I saw
This black guy
Leaning against a newspaper stand
He was drunk too
He was staring straight into my eyes
I thought about looking down
But that would be submission
I stared at him and put my chin out
Blew my chest up
He saw this
And stood up straight
Hocked a big loogie
I balled up my fist and
Stepped closer
Feeling more alive than ever
Thinking about death
How it wouldn't be so bad
When we finally got an
arms reach away from each other
We did the up and down look
I knew he could take me
I finally said "You alright man?"
He spit again
I walked past then turned around
Walked backwards
He was still staring
Nothing happened
I turned around and heard
"****** ******!"
I stopped
Then thought
That's not so bad
And kept walking
The hardest part of being a man
Is that we all have to be
******
tough guys

The scariest part of
This loneliness
Is how much
I don't seem
To mind it

I was thinking of a poem
About a girl I saw
With a starved face
Eyes bulging
Teeth protruding
A screaming skeleton of despair
I saw her and thought
I could love you...
But that was interrupted
By a poem about a new fondness
For sleeping pills
Numbness
I once tried to cry at night
But couldn't
And I felt like a real
******* for even trying...
I walked into the bathroom
And threw a few jabs
And right hooks
Into the mirror
I thought
I'm 5'7
145 lbs
Just like Barrera, Morales, Chavez
All the great Mexican fighters
I walked out and thought of quotes
By Fante, Sartre, something Hemingway said
I looked at all the people around me
And thought
They couldn't quote anybody
Jesus Christ!
What the hell do THEY think about?
It must be terrifying!
They don't read
They don't scream
They don't fight
They don't go on drinking binges
Where's the scars?
Where's the passion?
Where's the life?
But then I noticed
They were all smiling
Talking
Laughing
Walking
Together
I suddenly felt a massive
Heaviness
Upon me
I noticed it had been there
All along
Maybe
I've been doing it all wrong

I was thinking of old love
Dying love
Love-Hate
That space between the two
That seems to last the longest
In any relationship
That
Fighting for bed space
Saying all the wrong things
On purpose
Waking in disgust
Hating every word
Drunken night arguments
Being able to breathe
When she's away
Love
I would take that kind of love
Right now
Stopped at a crosswalk
On a cold November afternoon
It seemed like all the drivers
Had passengers
I looked over to my right
There was a white haired old guy
In ***** clothes
Eating a gas station hot dog
He reeked of mustard
He glared at me
I looked back at the traffic
And thought
Everybody's going nowhere
But nowhere is somewhere
I hope...

Hanging horizontal
Eyes rolling wildly in darkness
The AM radio whispers
A Texas mother is arrested after leaving her 3 children home unattended, police say they arrived and found her 18 month old burned to death in an oven"
I think about my *** of coffee
Black
I roll out of bed
Walk to the sink
The mirror disappoints again
I think of Sartre
Advising to stay away from the sight
Of yourself
Then I think of
Lepers, burn victims,
old amatuer boxers
And I feel a little better
I sit down and have coffee
With some of the greatest humans
Humanity has ever produced
Then I think about the ones
I will encounter today
Not so great...
"And there it is...the nausea."
-Sartre
I walk into the bathroom
And the cold burns
I step into the shower
And the water burns
I brush my hair in the mirror
And yes
That burns too
I step into my work uniform
And brown boots
I ask myself
"Are you ready to go?"
Keys, phone, wallet...
"I guess so..."
I walk past the mirror
then stop
I think
This is all so
Silly
The whole thing is so *******
Silly
I smirk at myself
I think
"I have had woman, I have fought men, I could never turn back...and all that lead me to where? This very moment"
-Sartre
I close the door
Then step out into
The cold dark
Morning

Walking down a mournful street
In a heartbroken neighborhood
Wasted cement
The birds whispered nervously
The sun shined because
It has to
At the base of a sagging wood fence
I saw the paws of a pitbull
Digging frantically
Blood seeping into the mud
She paused to poke her snout
Through to the other side
I stopped and thought
You poor beast
The people and the wind
Are just as cruel
On this side
But I felt real foolish when
That dog broke free
Ripped a child from a mothers arms
Devoured it
In a bed of flowers
Then crawled back under its fence
While the sun kept shining
Because
It has to

Alone can't be right...
It sounds like too harsh of a word
For this
How about
Dreaming?
Or waiting?
Karma?
Or an act of god?
The women are out there
Walking circles in grocery stores
Staring into bar bathroom mirrors
Wearing white dresses with
Blue roses
Smiling
Smelling of lavender
High heel steps combusting like
Matches
As they scrape against the filthy
Streets
Bodies shining like moonlight reflecting
off the blade of a butcher
The women are out there
Tonight there's two right outside
Smoking from a pipe in the alley
Talking louder than my radio
"He was like 'Please baby, we can make it work', I was like 'Nah fool! You been creepin!'"
"Ah my gah, that fools drama... COUGH COUGH"
"**** girl, imma fine me a new manCOUGH tonight!
**** that fool!"
"Aye! YOU gotta do YOU girl!"
The women are out there
They're right outside my window
Waiting
And tonight
That's close enough
For me

First
She walked out
And I had to learn
That I was a coward
An orphaned lover
An old house cat
Abandoned
In a grocery store parking lot
I had to face it again
The emptiness
I smoked all of those nights
Away
I was numb
I was nothing
I lost 30 lbs in 2 months
Then it all caught up with me
One night my heart started beating
Rapidly
I couldn't breath
Started to shake
I sat in a corner and watched
The room grow ten times it's size
I heard a static crack in the ears
I was lost and unhuman
I was a rabid dog trapped in a corner
I felt sick for weeks after
So
I gave up the ***
Switched to drinking
Whole bottles of whiskey
128 lbs, shirtless, screaming
The fellas laughed at the beginning
Until I started throwing ****
Trying to fight everybody, anybody
I had 3 new catch phrases
"I'll ****** **** you man"
"I'll smash all your ******* teeth in"
"I've seen it all man."
After a while it became
Too much for the fellas
And soon they were all gone
So
I found better company
Dostoevsky, Fante,Bukowski,Hemingway,
Hamsun,Lorca,Sartre, etc.
I found a ****** apartment
in San Pedro
Drank beer and read every night
Until the loneliness felt comfortable
And then I
Accidentally
Became alcoholic
Then i took my wild act
To the streets
A few weeks ago I was at a concert
And this guy kept elbowing me
In the ribs
I said "If you keep sticking that elbow
To me, I'll ****** **** you man."
I said it cool and soft
And the guy looked real scared
And I was too
So
I had to quit drinking...
I keep thinking about
Zarathustra
Rising from his cave
After years of solitude...
A guy at work said
"November's almost gone
Man, this year just blew right by"
And I thought
'Good.'

We stood face to face
Two alive
Both human
Occupying the same
Time
I felt her words like
Deafening disease
And she stared at my face
Like it was
Dogshit
While somewhere else
A flower bloomed
A lion tore at the neck of a gazelle
A child was born
A star died in the sky
A woman stared at her *******
In the mirror
A tribe ate rats for supper
A man masturbated in the dark
The universe was in perfect
Harmony

A beautifully coated
Fat raccoon
That didn't make it
Across the long lonely stretch
Of Gaffey Street
Behind the petroleum refinery
The tongue hanging in eternal horror
Eyes dangling from the skull
It made me sick
When we were kids we found a
Rotten opossum on the
other side of town
The upper class,clean,quiet part
We poked at it with sticks
Flipped it over
The other side soggy with death
There were maggots crawling out of
It's eye
It made me sick
All the guys said
"****! She's fine!" When she
Passed by
Yes, she had quite an ***
A body that tempted Christ
And left the devils in agony
You could see it in her walk
The guys said "She has beautiful
eyes
Hazel/green/grey
They change colors in the light"
I hadn't noticed
So I took a look
Her gaze was abandoned
Floating meaninglessly
In a forever unknown
Space
And then she opened her mouth...
It made me sick

Waking up
Covered by the dark
Rolling over
Watching the sky
Through the only window
In a ****** apartment
The sun started to rise
Right at 6 AM
Cold blue cracking black
As if it were on a schedule
Following somebody's rules
Like all the sad
Sad people
I thought
"That's not right,
That's real ****** up!"
I wished the sun would
Change it's mind
Lie back down
And not be seen
Or heard from
For 3 days
Then I crawled out of bed
And started to get ready for
Work

A foaming
Fanged black dog
Hums high toned
Delicate bird ballads
Over cold comfortless
Empty tomb growls
It sits at my bedside
Waiting for me to wake
And lulls me to sleep
It watches me twitch and roll
With relentless glowing eyes
While panting heavily
It's not all that bad
It often makes me
Feel good
It reminds me that I am alive
But I can see it's intentions are
To devour me
Loveliness, liveliness, loneliness...
I think I'll call it Love

I'd wake around 5 am
And watch my breath
Explode into the cold air
On a purple Saturday morning
I noticed her warmth most on
Days like Those
I'd roll over and press myself against
Her
Then watch shadows of branches
Dance across her
Warm pink face
I'd rise from bed carefully
being considerate
Of her sleep
I'd tiptoe to the washroom
Quietly put on the coffee
And start typing
Looking over to see her
Moan and roll
To the 'clacks' of the keys
Then around noon I'd crawl back
Into bed
While she began to wake up
We'd kiss goodmorning
Then have *** in the shower
She'd start breakfast in her towel
While I sat on the stool
Beside the stove
And we'd laugh and kiss
And the rest of the
People
And the world
We're very far away
The nights were different
There was too much gin
And drunken honesty
And she'd rip at my clothes
Howl like a desperate wolf
And swing for my face
While I kept my arms straight
up high
Reaching for the next
Quiet dark
Warm purple morning

We sat close on a slanted
stone wall
Slanting down
Toward the tide
Toward the rock
We watched them crash and scream
Still engaged in the everlasting war
Or maybe it was an everlasting kiss
Or maybe there is no difference
She laughed softly at my words
She was a few years younger in age
But centuries away in the lashings
Of life
I chose my words
Carefully
Cleverly
I imagined her waking beside me
My bed hardly large enough
To hold us both
To hold that smile
Then my daydream was disturbed
By the scoffing breeze
The palms erupted in laughter
It would never be
My bones weren't structured
To her idea of beauty
And her lack of imagination for life
Was the ugliest beast
I had ever seen
We sat on the stone wall
And there was a long silence
Both realizing love was still
Very far away
The moon sighed
As the tide cracked loudly
Onto the rocks
And I decided
That they were kissing

He was a guy afraid of not fitting in
His hair was perfect
Smooth skin on his face
Had the current style down
Eyes bright. Still living.
One day he asked me
"Man Ray, how do you do it? You make it look so easy."
"Make what look easy?"
"Everything."
I looked down at my filthy
Brown leather shoes
And there was a hole in my pants
And I needed a haircut a month ago
And my face was battered
Like an airstrike on the moon's soil
I felt my chest still inflating, deflating
But couldn't decide whether it meant
Living or dying
I realized then that I hadn't really
Been afraid of anything
Since I defeated loneliness
Years ago
I smirked at that thought
Then said to him
"**** man, I don't know. I guess I just don't care about much."
He shook his head
And I walked away
With my shoulders high
And my chest out
I felt 10 times my size
They can keep the politics, wars, television, fashion,skin products,shiny cars,cell phones,restaurants,new shoes,false love, dead music
I went home
Opened a beer
Picked up Voltaire
And got away
From all that
Mess

A real big mean *******
6'5 280 lbs
With a 6th grade education
He had a tattoo on
On the back of his shaved head
A big stab wound on his gut
He was shot 5 times
In the ***
He was brilliant
At credit card fraud
Only felt pride
For his gang
In and out of prison his whole life
Said life was more comfortable inside
I watched him put his feet on the kitchen counter
Hands on the floor
And do 100 pushups
I watched him with dying red eyes
High on speed
Peeking through filthy blinds
Every 3 minutes
While explaining how the
Man in the telephone company truck
Was really the CIA
He was arrested for ******
But the courts let him go
Due to a lack of evidence
He had 12 kids with 5 women
He was willing to fight anybody
Even women
Especially women
Made me drink a beer and
Showed me **** when I was 8
Showed me how to steal a car
With a flathead screwdriver
I hated big outlaw
He was a real mean *******
It's a real shame
That I have to see his face
Every time
I look at a mirror

Reading Kafka tonight
Turning the page then being
Startled
By a dead flower falling
from the middle of the book
I remembered her face
And her soft high voice
I felt it crawl up my backbone again
"Read Kafka, please? Just read it for me, he's really great."
"I might try..."
We were so bad for each other
Brought together
By the pain of our pasts
But she taught me how beautiful the
World could be
Flowers, animals,scents,escaping
She taught me that the whole thing
Is trivial,useless,a bad joke
You could pick up and leave
Whenever you want
And in the end she did
I was real hurt, but now
I am proud of her
I found an anarchist, unemployed, ***** haired beauty
And turned her into a bitter, screaming, money obsessed nurse
It wasn't right
I brushed the dead flower from
The bed
Hoped she had made it
To the cacti and the cold sand
Took a warm sip of whiskey
And got back to Kafka
She was right again
He is great

I woke this morning
With no hangover
After the 10 beers last night
I made a *** of hot black coffee
Slugged it down
Listened to the local jazz AM
While enjoying the absence of the sun
The cold grey clouds
are better company
I read a few shorts by Hem
And a couple pages of Dos
I got off the mattress
And threw a few jab and hook
Combinations toward the window
I got dressed
Walked past the picture of Fante
On my wall
Then I ****
In the community bathroom
Of my roominghouse
I thought about
What a man is
Should be
Probably not this
But definitely not
My father
And I was far from that
I tried my best to be
Far from all of that

I was 15 when I found
My mom's self help book
It was lying on a pile of
Clothes and trash
That's what seemed to cover
The entire floor
Of our 1 1/2 bedroom apartment
The 1/2 wasn't much more than
A glorified closet
And there was 6 of us stuffed in there
And 7 cats
I thumbed through
moms self help book
And laughed at the inspirational
*******
But then I found a survey in the back
"Do you feel your life is worth living?"
"Are you happy with your current position in life?"
"Do you feel loved and appreciated
By your family?"
"Does your family provide a sense of comfort and fulfillment?"
Etc.
The boxes were all checked no
Straight down
I felt a little more
Empty
After reading each question
Then I started to cry
I realized there really was
No happiness here
There was no one to turn to
I had hid a few beers
Down in the garage
I paid some *** to buy for me
I was always so afraid of my mom
Finding out
But after seeing the book
I brought them upstairs
And I sat on the couch drunk
When she walked in
She looked at me then down
At the empties
Then into my soggy eyes
she walked into
the 1/2 bedroom
She didn't say anything
And I felt I had said
Enough

Up until last night
I would have dreams where
I'd throw a punch at someone
But it hung heavy in the air
As if I was swinging underwater
Pushing slowly through time
And it would connect softly
Only nudging the victim
I never understood what that meant
But last night was different...
First off
I fell asleep sober for a change
My air mattress has a hole in it
So every two hours I'd wake on the floor in the dark
I had a few dreams
One of which I was approached
By some stranger
And I was real cool with him
The way I am with people
But this guy was creepy
Something about his smile
His walk
His eyes
He walked toward me real slow
With this smile...
I could feel the slow punches coming
But instead I outstretched my arms
And strangled the ******* with my bare hands
I could feel the fingers
Really dig into the throat
It felt good
Better than the slow punches
I strangled him
until blood dripped
Out of his mouth
Until the breath was gone
Until he was dead
I wasn't scared the whole time
I drug him back to a house
And leaned the corpse against a wall
Two woman walked out of a room
And screamed
I jumped in my truck
And hit the gas hard
I wasn't even scared...
I woke up on the hard tile again
In the dark
I got up and
threw a few punches
In the mirror
They cracked in the air
like a bull whip
I felt good

First
Try being alone
Until
Lost in the dark
Seems comfortable
Until Jupiter and the moon
Sound reasonable
Until cats look like willow trees
And the people like wilted flowers
Until you understand
That they are all out of their
Minds
And you're in worse shape
Until you see
Marriage as slavery
Boyfriends as leashes
And girlfriends as tombs
Until afternoon
And midnight
Are the same woman
In different heels
Until your mirror
Runs for congress
Until you can smile
At hurricanes and suicide
Yeah
Try understanding that first
Then when the next one comes along
You'll understand love
A little more
Oh, no...
You still won't be ready
But you'll be
Stronger

I was in the sixth grade
And I had a best friend
We walked beneath a stalking
Grey sky
To the local pet store
We found goldfish
Under a sign that read
"5 FOR $1.00"
There were about 100 of them
Frenzied in a small tank
Eating each other's ****
And screaming underwater
I said "Lets buy 5 and set them free
In the puddles of the rain"
We bought the fish
Found a jack in the box
Bought some breakfast biscuits
Then went out back
We emptied the fish
Into a rainbow tinted oil puddle
I started to feel the hands of Christ
Twisting at my intestines
Then James started smashing the fish
With his busted up sneakers
He was smiling
And eating his breakfast biscuit
I wanted to stop him
But his mom had died of an overdose
And his father ended up
with her sister
It all seemed
Justifiable
And that's when I realized
How rotten the world really was
And the rain just kept pouring down

My middle school history teacher
Made me stay after school one day
"Look, your essay is alright, but I know you ******* it. Your a good writer, so your gonna stay and rewrite the whole thing."
I didn't care about school or writing
But I thought, ****, maybe I'm good
At this
Then I got into high school
And the entire freshman class
Had to enter an essay contest
"How the Civil Rights movement still influences us today"
I remember the teacher was a
Real stuck up *****
I wasn't interested in her class
I hardly showed up
And she wasn't interested in me
But I showed up for the announcement of the winner
All the kids were excited
"And the winner is...Raymond Suarez" she read it like a
guilty verdict
"Who's that?" A pale blond asked
"Him" the teacher pointed at me
The excitement in the room hit the pavement hard
I wasn't smiling
but I was
"There will be a banquet with the other state winners to see if you won the state finals. I'll give you the information in a few days"
"OK"
She never did...
Then I ran into that middle school history teacher again
We exchanged phone numbers and he called me that night
"Ray...I gotta tell you something... I'm gay"
"ok..."
Then he called me a few nights later
I was drunk and he wanted me to come over alone
"Nah, I'm gonna stay drinkin with Andy"
"Come on, just come over, I got beer and food, I'll pay for the taxi to drop Andy off and bring you here, what are ya, chickenshit? Your ****** chickenshit man" he said in his sloppy Texan drawl
"Nah"
I opened another beer
And wondered if he ever really thought my writing
Was any good
Then I guzzled that cold crisp beer
Down
And that took care of that thought
And all the rest

"I just don't feel right
I think we should just buy a test..."
I thought she was a fool
She was always so worried
About people,time,missing out
On life
Not me
At the time I was only worried about
My hangover and the cable man
I said " Baby, your crazy. The cable guy is suppose to be here
Between 10 and 1.
Your gonna have to wait."
She clenched her jaw
Glared at me
Rethinking her definition of hate
She had just come back
After walking out on me 3 weeks ago
But that was ok with me
She was a fine girl
Her face beamed beautifully
Screaming like the tortured moon
Her body dipped and climbed
Like new mountains
Like burning rivers
Like rainfall on dying trees
"I can't believe your making me wait!
I might be pregnant! Your ******* ridiculous!"
I said "Well if you are, it isn't going anywhere..."
She ran out and slammed the door
I chased her down the street
She stopped suddenly
vomited her mcdonald's breakfast
On the sidewalk
I held her hair
Maybe she was right
We got the test
I was standing with the cable man
Flipping through 900 channels
Then I felt it
My apocalypse
My judgment day
Death and life grinning
They always had it out for me
"It's positive." She said
Her eyes suffocating
Bulging with tears, hate, agony
They were dulled by deceit
By the nights of me not knowing
Where she was
But I loved her
So I didn't bring that up
Then she said "...how soon can you take me to the clinic? I can't ask my mom for money, but you just got
Your Christmas bonus right?"
She said it like she decided
weeks ago
She wanted no discussion of a life
With me
I said "yeah."
And soon it was done
And then we were too

It started earlier that day
With Dostoevsky
It was brilliant but it really
Drug the soul through the mud
Spit on it
Cried tears of the world
Over my lifeless body
I slept for 12 hours that night
Sober
I hit the leaking air mattress at 6pm
And didn't get up til 7 something
I had the most beautiful nightmare during that time
I was with an old girlfriend
The one that left me alone
For a year now
"What do you want for dinner?"
She asked with a remorseful
Obligatory smile
Soaked in sadness
"Uhh....macaroni and cheese?" I said
I never knew what to eat
I never cared about food
"Really...that's what you want?"
I ignored her putdown and said
"Ya know. I'm really happy your back
Honey. This really beats the year of
Microwaved dinners I went through"
She smiled. It was filled with guilt
I never want to see her or that smile
Again, dreams...
                                  2
We sat in a warm room
Watching a storm
through the window
There was thunder and rain
Cracking in the darkness
Behind an old church
Dramatically lighting the sky
Like fireworks
"I've never seen anything like it!" I screamed, I was excited. I was happy
She frowned and said nothing
I never touched her in the dream...
                                   3
I woke up alone
Rolled over and looked at the clock
1:30 am
I rolled again
Sighed heavily
And looked down upon my
Naked body
I thought about the dream
The madness of this last year
I thought "Nobody should have to
Live like this"
Alone...crazy and alone
But I had
And others had too
and the ones
That felt it
But didn't soak the drywall
With their blood
Were the strongest
I missed the feeling
Of acceptance, of love
But not the coldness
It brings with it
To love beautiful women like you
Is just suicide...

Ah!
She's latina thigh
Ice cream
With shining blank
Teeth, skin, and soul
She gazes fiercely
Though terrified
At this sluggish life
Her quiet cotton voice
Stabs me in the chest
Baby, take my blood
Take my eyes
And whatever morsel of soul
You can **** from my body
I'm on fire
Forever burning lust
Like gasoline
For you
I clench my fists
And want to scream
You are inspiring
Honey, you look
So good

I heard it in the dark
Waking alone on the floor
In the middle of the room
After dreaming of nothing
It sounded like it came from
A language unknown to man
Sung by the mockingbird
It was probably a term for
Something like
"The last swaying purple
Velvet flower left alive
After the extinction
Of humanity"
It sounded soothing
I felt a surrounding presence
Of warmth and elegance
It felt like you were lying
Beside me
Wanting to be held
By my arms
It felt like
I was never alone

The lights were still on
As I lifted myself from
The air mattress
To check my back
For bedbug bites
I noticed a young roach
In the sink
He scattered quickly
Then stopped
Staring
As if to dare me
To try and **** him
He was the prideful matador
And I the swollen eyed
Stumbling bull
It was life and death
I tried to smack him
With a water bottle
But he ran and hid behind a pipe
So I took a bottle of aftershave
Tried to drown the *******
In a refreshing burning winterfresh
But he was untouched by the splash
Then he scattered across the wall
I ran and grabbed the worst book
In my collection
The premier book of major poets,
1970
They printed Simon and Garfunkel
In there
I tried to smash the
cunning cockroach
But my fingers touched the
Smashed corpse
Of a previous conquest
I quickly threw the book in disgust
And wished it was the roaches
Wife or mother
Lying dead
Smashed by an awful publication
He ran quickly
Laughing at my frustration
Proud
Then he settled in a hole
Under the edge of the counter
He was the victor
He raised his sword
Toward the sun
And stabbed me in the heart
I fell onto the air mattress
Drooling
The young roach returned to his nest
Proud
He found the fattest female
Flipped her over
With his filthy fluttering legs
He tore open her thorax
Then inserted his roach genitalia
Into the wound
Inseminating her
And assuring his legacy
While I slept
Alone

She stormed into the break room
The hottest piece of *** at the job
She was crying into her phone
"Why you gotta be like this?!...
Your so ****** up!...
But I love you!...
Oh my gawd, why?!"
She buried her wet swollen eyes
Into her hands
Then sobbed uncontrollably
I could here the guy on the phone
He was crying harder than she was
He could hardly speak
I pretended not to notice
Took a bite out of my granny smith
Put my feet up on a chair
And thought
This is the best kind of apple
My favorite apple
And it was real sour
Just the way I like it
I was happy

Tires meeting rain
The only existing sound
The oaks bathed proudly
Feeding off of
A sobbing grey sky
I watched it all
Alone again
Out of a second story window
Only
This time
I didn't realize
That you weren't there
This time
I was finally thinking
About tomorrow

I bit the end off of
A seven dollar cigar
It was raining
The same way it did
24 years ago
The day I arrived
Puffing the heaviness
I felt like an old book
Left out in the rain
Then dried by the sun
Dirt stained, cover ripped off
Pages crumbling
By the softest touch
I thought about
All the hell it took
To get to this cigar
On the porch
I puffed the heaviness
It burned smoothly
And felt all too
Familiar

The fly spent
His final days
Desperately searching
For a way to escape
Through the window screen
When all he had to do
Was open the front
Door

I had 3 whiskeys
10 cheap domestics
Then saw her sitting there
She must've been in her fifties
Her ******* were big
Her legs long and smooth
Dark hair
Red lips
She sat at the bar
Gracefully
The way flowers dance
I thought
My god
So many men.
Loved,scarred
Left for dead
She had it all
She was woman
She was a beautiful painting
Of death
She looked over at me slowly
Staring straight into mine
Smiled
Then tossed her hair
Then looked away
My blood was burning
My god
So many men.

bloated from the alcohol
spinning
lips and lungs cracked
by cigarette smoke
lying, watching
death crawl across the tile
picking up speed
all you can do is wait
the poem is just
words
and yours
are all bad
but then
the sun rises
and you can see
its' minute and second
hands
its your time
the poem is just words
and yours are all bad
but they're wept
from your soul
you can hardly stand
but you do
because
you could never stand
for defeat

I didn't know her
never will
but her neck was long
and she smelled of flowers
i noticed while passing by
she didn't notice
anything
i walked away
and she stood there
neck long
smelling of flowers
drinking gin alone now
i wonder what it'd be like
to feel pure
like her

I screamed out
"**** the rent!"
Then pulled out another
20
I stared at all the
Sad
Woman at the bar
All waiting
To be ******
But they had never read Fante
And that bothered me
So I went home
Alone
Opened another beer
And wrote another poem
That nobody
Cared about

Drink a beer
The 6th one
Square up
And stare in the mirror
Watch your chest
Rise and fall
Remember
The blood
The pain
Scars
And all those times
You weren't afraid
It still stands
Look into its eyes
Don't forget that stare
When your sobered up
In the morning
Remember
That you are one tough
*******

back on the bourbon
the $8 bottle
sweating away another
wild lonely night
locked in my small rented room
stumbling over
passion
life
woman
pain
poetry
all dying
smiling numb
and laughing to nobody
waking up slow and naked
put on the coffee
wash your face
try to wash away
the defeat
study the words
that madman wrote
last night
he knows you better
than you ever will

she once told me
her and a friend invited
the local jehovah's witness boys over
to try and **** them
it made me laugh
then we ******
for years
what's your type?

It's called the Hotel Cabrillo
Rent's $550 a month
The stairs are dead
And the brick is sobbing
In 100 years of blood and spit
The tenants are much the same
Except maybe a few years younger
I saw her at the door today
She was my age
Her eyes were bold
Dark
I was covered in sweat from work
She opened the building door for me
The way she looked up at me
Like I was it
Something to see
I haven't seen that look in years...
It murdered the last five years...
The bad ones...
For a moment...
I said "thanks"
She smiled, said "no problem"
But it was

she asked
"what do you write about?"
and I stared at her
and my scar itched
then my pupils grew twice their size
and then I vomited
all over the floor
she said
"OH!!!"

filthy brick
sitting in my rented room
drinking southern comfort
it's been a long time
I'll definitely be ******* in the sink
tonight
I hear the women outside
women,women,woman
clapping hooves on cement
stilletos of the apocalypse
smash my eyes and
break my teeth
tick,tick,tick.tick
tick,tick, tick.tick
give me the agony
it's in your skin
woman

Call it
Instinct
Animal instinct
I need
Something from you
Then you can have
Whatever's left of me
Then rip my head off
Then try to keep it down
It was always burning
Anyways

The wind picked up
blowin' like a
*******
pulling up
dirt, soot, debris
waste
from behind, now, and all to come
i woke up slow
it was caked all over my chest
it formed a small mountain
it was hard to sit up
and it keeps getting
heavier

my neighor died last night
kid my age
fell off the high cliffs of San Pedro
shattered onto rock
the ones that battle the sea...
came from a decent family
hard laboring mexicans
that never smiled
in fact the only time i ever saw the kid smiling
was when he would drive
reckless
taking the corners at 45
screeching 50 in a school zone
making the streets look like
a *******
when i first heard about it
i wondered if he'd jumped?
does that make me an *******?
didn't you think that too?
would you have jumped?
...**** man...
suddenly my face isn't looking
that bad

The neighbor jumped off the San Pedro cliffs
suppossed suicide
he went down in the 3rd
i know a  mother who smokes
speed,****,cigarettes,
drinks daily,shoots up
lost her children and teeth
she'll go down in the 8th
she'll go down harder than she fought
most will take a dive in the 12th
don't even bother putting up the hands
moving the feet
don't even know there's a fight on
they call that a win
staring out my second floor window
slack jawed, both eyes swollen
teeth loose, blood clogging nose
i keep getting a few good shots in
but life has a great counter hook
my legs are starting to go
and i want to take the 10 count
but
i just can't

poet
you sit down
smashing the keys
it's all very important,right?
yes, it's all very important
all voices must be heard
all thoughts must be captured
what's another word for...?
i wonder what it'd be like to...?
what was her name...
brushing your hair in the mirror
falling past a thousand thoughts
not seeing that you are completly
gone
to where?
take me to the desert
and set me on fire

see i'm a man from California
i'm not proud of it
...snow...
Waterloo, Iowa
mother with cancer
father a bad drunk
a whole city dying
what a place to try to
save our love
...snow...
it made life seem so
blank
i had to talk behind your back
to the one woman
i shouldn't have
...thousands of miles away...
and you always were a vicious little thing
it was ****
I didn't even see that right hand coming
that open palm fit just right
the first time you ever swung
baby you made my head spin
we were both impressed
i put the car in park
got out, tripping over all that
...******* snow...
how many days does it take
to walk from Iowa to California?
...i hate the snow...

leave the paintings
leave the photos
leave the vinyl albums
...that was a pointless hobby...
leave the love
leave the tooth
leave the journals
...you can read whatever you'd like now...
leave the cats
leave the ***
leave the blood stains
...on the bathroom floor...
grab only the good books
whatevers left of the gin
grab the coffee maker
put your shoes on
i'm ******' outta here

the beauty
the life
the pleasure
the style
the birth
the experience
the flower
the poem
is in the pain
she said "you never have any fun,
you hate everything
your always so pessimistic."
i don't wanna be
honey
i'm just tryin'
to stay alive