I stretch my arms up
to the sky
And let the light of the sun
consume all that it desires
Taking and renewing
All that is me

Letting myself truely live
Was the greatist gift I ever gave to myself

NOISEY

life is feeling rather

WHY CAN'T U JUST SHUT UP*

What a mouth on it*

SCREAMING

always ****** screaming

I CAN'T DO THIS

Why did i come here

HELP ME

Why do you need help please just be quiet

I NEED HELP BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM

maybe if you stayed quiet for a moment you would know who you are

SO EASY FOR YOU TO SAY

Whats that meant to mean

I'M  A TEENAGER NOT A *****

Dinners ready - who are you talking to up there

NO ONE  MUM , WAS JUST TALKIN TO ME SELF

Silently
Silently she wonders through your life
She smiles
Its rai
Our own little piece of sunshine
She spreads the sun where ever she goes
Looking for corners of darkness
that need her warming glow
here comes little rai
She always makes them smile
but deep inside rai's soul
where no one goes
and no one see's
there are nightmares
and demon's
that want to crucify her
They want to quench her light
So she will have to give up the fight
Little rai battles on
knowing
she will never let them win
As the moon hides the sun
so will rai hide the night
smile
it's little rai
and if it happens to rain
Little rai will shine through
and a rainbow will appear
to brighten up your day

My tears flow back to the sea
Whilst my soul aches
and my hands shake
across keys which make words
into more than just a moments thought
Keep me safe here
Hold me tight
Because I thought I was safe
My heart hurts and I want someone to hold me close
Just for a moment
disguises  are falling apart
I will no longer lie to myself
I stretch my love across time and distance
I held on too tight
To something I had already turned to dust
The horizon is screaming me forward
Please release me
Please let me go now
For what more am I doing
Being untrue to myself
I loved you
But I never gave my all
Because I wanted to hold on to my senses
I held you
But in the back of my mind
I didn't let go long enough
To trust you
We never saved each other
We never shared our tears
Our fears
You never really knew me
Denial is such a suffocating condition
In this moment I realize
There's no one who needs to let go here
But myself* ....

This evening there are no words
Or explanations for how I feel .
I have become accustomed to feeling a little numb .
Only when diving head first into nature and quenching my thirst for life can I feel .
I will not write a masterpiece this evening ,
I will not fasten  the seat belt
ready for the roller coaster that follows,
I will dive head first
Then regret later
I will allow,
Beckon even
I will scream from the roof tops until my lungs are sore
I will not be silent
I will not be kind
Or caring
I will not be needy or wanting
I will quench this thirst that lays in my soul
My soul
Dare me to feel and I will need to back away and hide in darkened places.
Licking old wounds and not allowing you any closer.
Be careful how you approach me,
I seem like I am standing here with an armour to protect.
But I am weak when love lies before me.
I will not write a masterpiece this evening ,
I will be the masterpiece
Standing tall and feeling weak,
Looking brave and yet falling,
Falling apart at the seams that make me
Me …

It took a broken body to make me realise
I love myself unconditionally
I love all the broken corners
The dark edges where no body else is allowed to tread
I love the way it rebuilds itself
Bridging together fragments
And I love the way I am
Able to have the strength through the pain to heal

I didn't need reminding
But you told me all the same
Great friends
What a laugh
I laugh
Then fall screaming
I never stopped hoping
I went through those old letters you sent
Summer nights
Sweet perfume filling the midnight air
Toes playing with the surf
As the breeze sweeps my hair
Back from my face
Captured in a photograph
I look so young
So free
So in love
Yet
So vunerable
Lines of love bleed onto the paper
Time never heals
It just sends us divertions
To cover the truth
It's hard to believe that young girl is me
I see myself differently
Through eyes that lost the tinted glass
Remembering
To replace the past where it lays
I move on to tomorrow
Then beyond
Life is sweeter
Life is worth living
Sleep now comes

She hangs the memories of what could of been back on the crooked shelf
Once a silence reigned where now the roaring of lions frequents her moments
To have to hold to free to let go to live to die to just be one self in a chaotic stage play
Hold her hand a while
Trace the veins which feed her soul , mind and body
She is not perfect
But somehow close for all her faults
You should of took it further
She would of held you for a life time
Fear is placed where humans dare not tread
Your  eyes swim with confusion
She can smooth the waters if only you could slow down
She has the music of mermaids and the power of the shaman
You let that go at the dark hour when you stopped and forgot to breathe
She held you there
Then you turned and walked away
Head held low as you fell in love with others who only brought you to your knees
Years passing
lovers come and go
She holds a small corner
Not in wanting but in yearning for
Not in yearning but in a knowingness
Once she loves she never forgets the taste upon her tongue
Pass by
Walk on
Head low
No more tears fall from these eyes
Love is gone
Now all there is a selfless understanding of belonging to one self
Connections blocked

It’s long past midnight
The wind howls around the feet of trees
that stand tall, but bend awkwardly
Into positions they were never fashioned  to reach
the rain starts slowly but increasingly patters like small footprints upon my window pane.
Smoothing and unnerving all rolled into one strange moment of sleeplessness
Insomnia beckons for company
I gave in what can I say I’ll sleep through breakfast now so no harm done
And anyhow I am my own master
So do as I please
And now I wandered here
If your listening I’ll never know
I don’t care for strange relationships across blank screens anymore
I don’t slow my breathing down to accommodate yours
I don’t talk for hours
Delving deep yet dusted with a surface shallowness I could never recognise before
Eyes open
Heart closed
That’s the way to survive I guess

I  am your Mighty dragon from within

boundlessly

hopingly

knowingly

I sour above this

maddening crowd

Trying to protect my lady

Guyums soldiers come

he wants to steel her beauty for his own

her soul is made from gems so pure

Diamond pools surround her palace

Great dragon of spirits protects and  

surveys all she  has created

Woodships wait to sail

fairy maidens their wings do polish

Hobbits and men come forth

ready for the battle to come

avatar

man of my own breathe

Be beside me

love will quench the fire and

storm that rages on the other side  

The salt celler is full

go sprinkle around your havens

protect we must from the dark priest

White stallons take thye knights and

warn the great lord of our arrival

I need the help of the bright side

The walls will come come down

before the night turns to dawn

But

beware false prophersy

for it is sure to blind thee

and trust no one until you return to the fold

Be gone now from me great warriers

A missing piece
That's how I'm feeling
Like I'm missing you
And the tears just fall uncontrollably
I find it hard to breathe
Silent in my own darkness
And you on the other side of knowing
If I you walked passed me you probably wouldn't give me a second glance and I cant say id recognise you with the lines of years gone by
But know this
You told  me of how they all loved you and I stayed silent
We laughed and joked and you never knew
And you held my heart and I stayed silent
Your friendship ment more
Your betrayal
Your ****** words in rhythm
And still I loved you
That was the moment I knew
I would love you
But to expect more was just a figment of illusion
All is well
But in these dusty corridors I still here you whistling your tune
And I miss you more
I just miss you more than I should

We were never anything more
You took my trust
And stampled it to the ground
We were nothing more
Than a wanting
An unsatisfied plea for help
You touch upon
That place within
I never told you
How I really felt
You were too busy falling for fools
You were too busy pulling me down
The time you threw me in the gutter
The tears mingling with puddles of remorse
The stab of failed friendship
I loved you
For all the cruelty you dealt me
Broken hearted
Now I never fall so hard
Tears never fall
Mirrors only reflect scars left from warfare
That way
I managed to keep my head above water
I am my own life jacket
So swim or drown
I know I made my choise
It's good
When you know your armour will keep you safe

A memory like a flash back
Like prisms dancing on pavements
Like clouds floating freely
Like that moment when you felt lost and this was the only place to come to rid yourself of the lonesomeness you felt within you
A feeling of belonging
But also of shattering glass and sand flowing through your fingers
Time is often not your friend
The words said on the wrong moment
The feelings you never understood
And I thank life that I have moved past the emptiness and have learnt to be happy in this existence.
I thank life for the moments when memories come knocking
Reminding you that you are enough
You are
And so that is enough for now.

As the morning of my life ends
And childhood seems so far away
The afternoon splendour greets my senses
Beckon me forward
Else I will willingly stay within my embryonic state of childhood dreams
The poets who have written across my sky are lying down to rest
The darkness has engulfed them for one last fight
Warriors of the night
Lost in the darkness of the days realities
Will they still be dreaming
Of worlds within
The ones they could never quite touch
Bathsheba left first in a puff of smoke
She was a time lord
A mystery
But she sold her dreams to the darkness
And reality  hit hard
Sweet Paddy to meadows of golden corn you fled
A soul to true
A poet so wise
Writing of you brings tears glory to mine eyes
I see you
I sense you
Sitting by side the flowing brook
Richard he left
Contemplating what his life was all about
Hello poetry
Was sinking and he needed to find an escape hatch
Funny how our poetry lives mirror us so well
But then I guess his bleeding heart
Was swelling and needed to exploded
I still see the ghost of a man I used to call friend
But reality must be sweet
For never an ear do we lend
Jp caught a train
Probably he is stuck in some obscure hotel room
Up to his ole tricks
Or just travelling the journey of his life
Whilst holding onto his sanity
Who knows I hope maybe to see him sometime
I do like a good train journey
You never know who your find along the way
Bill with his dog name bear
I sent him emails but he doesn't reply anymore
Last time I heard he was happy in love
Im hoping this soft soul has found all he needs and is happy

As the reality ***** the life out
And the darkness lets go
They find the light
Or they loose the fight

When I hear that your leaving it makes me emotional at a root level
A soul level
A god dam
Here goes another one level

But its ok
I leave for months
I leave for years
You know I'm still here
You know we breath the same air
We look at the same moon
Smile at the same stars
This is what a soul connection is all about
We are here to be connected
And that connection
Will not waver
Distance
Sight
Nothing

The emptiness is full of the words of poets
Spoken
Dreamt
Thought
In our lives we create something so dark so  beautiful
Only the poet would understand
Though the mortal man of reality
May touch upon and live our words for a while

Muse
Mine Muse
You have been gone such a long while
What beckons you forth this night
Of all nights?

Whisper beauty
Speak the truth
Lies just hide
Your miss spent youth

Muse
Awhile
Walk by my side
So long you've hidden
From mine eyes

I feel you here
I almost can touch your breath
A coldness
A warmth
A renewal of faith

Muse
Just walk in silent reflection
Upon mine life
I have no direction

Have a little faith
I never left your side
From your soul
you were surely trying to hide

Winter wonderland
Barren
Forlorn
I lift my head
I feel your warmth

Take my words
And heed them well
Lest you fall under
Your own spell

Listen for me
In the midnight hour
In the silence of the night
Within your golden tower
Listen for me
As the crisp snow cracks
Or the water beckons
Or the sun plays on your back
Never to be gone
Just quiet for a while
Because life needed you to live
your reality
Before allowing you to smile

**I will always come back to you, as you will always come back to listen eventually

Searching the crevices of my soul.
Midnight rondevou’s  help me see
the  multifaceted nature of my existence
A moment of realigning my energies
Falling into strange moonlite dreamscapes that make no sense and yet
I find my mind free and open
Embracing my darkness
I hold on tight for this  ride
Never before has it been so important
To just let go
Let go and claw my way forward along
the bramble led path before me.
This is my path
My existence
My life
And I will live it the way my destiny calls me to
And then and only then will I understand the weaving of my soul.

You come creeping in
cut me down
You would rather call me lier
Than know the truth
Looking sidewards
When met by my truths you close your mind
Not wanting to know
I saw you
walking  dusty roads to forget the meaning
fragmented lines of meaningless segments
haunted like a child abandoned to the wind
I will not turn into the hollow frame
I once was
You filled my soul
Made me fly
And yet
Where are you now
Memories hold
Sunshine
Which flickers through shadows
I so yearn for more than I have now
Please
Just please is all I have to say  
Before tomorrow engolfs me once more

And so came the time
She had feared the most
Quite rooms
Empty spaces
Change comes and goes with ease
But bites at the loneliness
And the void becomes so vast
All your nightmares
All your insecurities come rushing
And fall from your face
Cascading in the most beautiful of hues
Upon cheekbones so exquisitely defined by life itself
Children’s heartbeats which kept you away from this place
Hidden from mind
Now monsters of love , regret and the past come hungrily feasting upon your vulnerability
And all you can do
Is allow it
Let it flow
And prey that you will win the battle laid bare before you

When we feel safe so walk unprotected
When the spears of unnecessary anger  
and raised voices
hit you hard and grip you tight

A memory of a feeling
you vowed to your soul that you would hold up your hands
and protect its very essence
you feel you  failed and now you feel the anger, the tears and frustration  
which in reality no long belong here

A message from my soul ...

Mirror mirror on the  wall
deflect this anger from my door
uncuff your psychic chains from me
take back what my heart did feel
in reality this is not mine
but some others to chew up and grind
I free myself from the binds of others  
I spit them out
but not in anger

My mind is quiet

need for grounding

poetess in slumber

No thoughts pass between us

I will let her sleep now

My emotions have exausted her

Sleep humble lady of mine own creation

and thankyou for rising above

and teaching me how to fly.

I walked into the dentist today
He was sat there
Just quietly waiting
Not for me
And he nodded and I gave a slight awkward nod
The father of my children
Grandfather to my new grandson and my granddaughters
My abuser
It’s been awhile since I even laid eyes upon him
And I shuffled in my seat and then sat still
Thinking how strange
I didn’t want to talk and make idle chat
With this person who years a go I spent intimate moments
And nights of hell with
Flashes of his manic moods swiftly moved past me in remembrance
And I felt nothing
Not fear
Not numbness
Just a nothingness
He walked passed me when called
No nod
No nothing
Just as I wanted

The world is different now
Is it wrong to wish for rose tinted glasses
And a quiet corner of some obscure English garden
In which to sit cross legged and meditate
Whilst bombs reign down
And faiths scream their alliance to God
God holds his head in shame for his children who have been scattered in the wind
Evil lies in the hearts of the broken
Who then in turn spread their anger out wards
Causing chaos and confusion
Love thy neighbour
Hate the sin and not the sinner
These rules you must admit become harder by the day
We have become to humanised
We have become to disconnected
And my spirit cries
For the peace of an English meadow
In which to lie my head

It feels quite numb
An incomplete moment
A recollection of a breath upon my skin
Makes me smile
As still the tears are rolling down my cheeks
Hold on fast to the dream that flows from desires
That stem from hearts
Misted only by ivory towers
Feeling numb
Has become
My new way of handling tomorrow
The only way in which
I've learnt to hold up my head
And smile at the sun
Which often times
Threatens to scorched my very existence

Obcessive
Obcessed
Incircling the lines on the wall
Where I see u carved my name
Don't hold back now
Rip for rip
Head to toe confusion

Pain pumps its self around my vains
Obcession
Depression lurking
Hurtful
Keep pushing
Explosion
Corrosion
A bitterness on lips so sweet
Total nightmare

Daily I think much too much
About you?
Never

freedom came only when I released and let go

Smiling
Letting go
Totallity of all things

I have problems

But at least i wont sleep outside tonight

The bills didnt get paid

But at least i have a house

It cold out side

How many shop doorways have heating ?

Theres snow on the ground

and ice in his hair

He didnt make the night

He died from the cold

Tell me you care ...

I held the glass
Lipstick stained
Thoughts running wild
fragmented moments
and faces in mirrors
We will never be the same now
Years have passed us by
Friends are no longer here
To warm our nights
When I wonder
Did reality take over?
We may never know
So tomorrow when you look into the mirror
Remember
And look beyond your shadow
We are still standing like ghosts
Holding the part of you
You couldnt hold onto ....

The pavements reflect the colours of your soul my friend.
Rainbow hues lay in puddles of yesterday’s oil spill .
There is no where to roam on such a dark heartless night .
And I’m held motionless within this moment
No one will save me.
I breathe and realise,
I no longer need saving.
This enlightened magical world in which I find myself lends no love to strangers on dark corners .
It holds no memory of the man who stood before the mirror .
Counting the lines within the crevices that line his mature but ageless face.
A handsome man to some .
An ego driven fool to others.
To me he is but a reflection of what might of been .
A memory, a moment of madness in this cold fragile world.
And so I step upon the hue of a fallen rainbow and look for a new story to tell.
One which you no longer have the leading role.

How exquisitely I take myself  to pieces
Only to ravel up the yarn of my own misgivings so that I am able to try to understand the puzzle put before me.

When you look in the mirror
What is it you see?

Please forgive me
If I step off the edge of reason
There seems so much to say
And such little time.

The grandfather clock strikes 12
Tom’s midnight garden takes  us back to the moment just before we first met.

I may just turn and walk away this time.

I learnt that if I step side ways
I can observe without having to participate in this crazy game.

I will follow the fallen leaves into autumn.

Where was it I hid my conscience again ?
I seem to be unraveling
Mind wanders as I drift upon the frozen memories of some obscure happening.
Please let me ride on the hushed whispers of spring.
And when Tom awakens from his dreams I will bask in the summers rays and warm you with my ever ending love.

The garden of my soul is singing
For was it not a beautiful sight
When I was able to unravel the meaning that sat  just passed the  horizon in your deep hazel eyes.

When I understood the answers to the questions.
When I stopped and thought for just one moment
I realised
That the reflection in the  mirror was nothing but an illusion.

Piece by piece
By piece
By piece

Yesterdays hollow moments got filled
One thought
One action
One breathe
At a time
Yesterday I wasn’t sure
I could make another day

Piece by piece
By piece
By piece

I saw a new day
A day just a little easier
A day where the sun shone a little longer
A day where maybe
Just maybe
The pieces might fit together

*And the whirling  sound in my brain might stop

I found broken pieces of you all over the place as I crawled my way through my day today
The smashed lamp on the living room floor
You were thinking of the women down the road
The one who reminded you of your mother
All Red silk blouse an large chest
All Cotten candy sweetness in daylight
Cruel sadistic witch when curtains were closed tight
The fragmented remains of a China cup
All birds and butterflies are now fluttering at the bottom of the trash can
Hell doth have no fury like a women scorned
And so be it
The mirror cracked
Your reflection too painful a desire to behold
The scar across your face another reminder
Of yet another painful year
But what hurt the most was my Guitar
No longer singing in my hands
Strings pulled tight
Like your lips as you were screaming your revenge
You said this time it was my fault
I'd looked at you the wrong way
I reminded you of someone who had deserted you
What am I ment to say now
Well hell thank you
For taking your pain and moulding it to fit me in too?
I couldn't find you in all the chaos
Silence
In silence I will now retire
If you want to play hide an seek its your turn to hunt
If you don't find me then I may have got lost
Between the birds,butterflies,smashed China and your mothers Red silk blouse.