Flicking through pages of a long forgotten memory
And there you are
Waiting
Waiting to be remembered
Brought back to life
If only for a moment
Those days of summer
Linger upon a dreamscape so real
Almost touchable
Fragrances of heaven linger for a while
Even when I can no longer see your face
Your soul sings me sweet lullaby’s
Such a love
Such a love
Is life …..

When you disappear from the page
And no one even notices your absence.
When your return is but a passing glance into a world you’d left waiting.
To walk alone holding your head in your hands unable to hold the weight of the world news within your understanding.
To just be
No expectations
No loss
Just breathing between the lines.

Some nights are so dark
That I can not see myself
I can not feel
I know I’m loved
But don’t know why the void inside my chest is expanding like a black hole
Life gets ****** in and through but nothing stays
There is no light
No stars to hang above my bed
In dream time I feel as though I’m falling
Another man would give in,
but I am not that man and the darkness laughs at my inability to see through this moment.
This moment and the next
This day drags and now I get no solace in sleep
For my mind is reeling
My synapses charging
My thoughts are racing
Yet I cry my tears then shrug it off again
My darkness matters to no one
No one sees me
No one hears me
I am and I feel so small
A mere particle of dust
An atom amongst atoms
I must come to realise that this silence is of my own creating
I must want this
I must need this
For the healing happens when we are stretched
When we are torn
I am opening my heart
And that’s painful
And lonely at times.

Do not slay your dragons on my doorstep then make love to them just above the gaze of heavens gates.
Do not surrender your fears and then shackle them to yourself as if your life depended upon it.
I am no fool to any man.
I laid down my heart
You cut me with your sword and my shield will protect me from your hastening attentions.
Maybe I am not broken enough to see through your gaze.
But the silence that hangs on the breeze speaks truths.
And it is only truths my ears will dwell upon.
Sweet words mean nothing if in secret you cast them to the dirt below your feet .
The darkness just merged my mind and heart together spitting violent words into a fierce furnace of powerful rage.
Love those you love.
Standing tall in your need for reflection for reflection has purpose.
Speak kindly in secret as in company it is there that you will gain the greatest rewards.

I’m grateful for this time to rest when my body , mind and spirit don’t want to work together.
Maybe they are taking a break
My body has broken from my mind , my mind from my spirit and in turn my spirit from my body .
All there is to be done is to lay down the day and submit defeat.
Hopefully tomorrow they will be rejoicing , grateful for each other once more.

Raindrops fall free from the sky like the tears of gods and giants that have long past.
Grieving for a world they would no longer recognise.
May we muster up some emotion or lie deep in gutters created from our own misdeeds.
Bring no man down around your feet,
Your pain is of your own creation and so it shall be.
Tell me ten things today that your grateful for instead of your woes of the world that bore you and took care of you.
No man should be your fool to play like a puppeteer pulling strings.
You think of every next move,
Control is lacking,
So you tighten the strings.
Consequences are the turn side.
You will fall from the skies,
Thrown out of heaven by the very gods that weep for your world.
Your actions speak so loudly that I am deafened.
I will not be,
I can not be,
Your puppet,
Your saviour .
I lye looking into a blue sky
One I created of my own desires.
Gods and giants smile
They know I know.
They leave their home to come sit in meadows.
Together we will have the power to cut the strings.
Puppeteer you will loose your power and your puppets will be left to heal.
Raindrops my friend
Are a message that you must heed.

The trees were stretched tall reaching for a sky that they could never touch .
Holding onto memories
Footsteps along pathways through deep forests
What lurks within your darkened mind I wonder ?
May I hid within your brokenness
Until the Phoenix in me surrenders to the fire that lies at the base of my being?
May I curl myself around you in the darkness of the night whilst my soul sleeps , my heart yearns and my body unwinds ?
It feels so warm here
I love that you just accept all my flaws and only see the beauty within.
I love the darkness and the night that holds us together
Two lost souls floating in a sea of wonders waiting to be found.

I wrote a letter
To the wayward girl
The one that used to be me.
I apologised
For letting the wrong people in.
For walking away from opportunities which would have been good for her and just generally not being the best version of who we could have been and become.
I quite like being me most of the time.
It’s the rest of the time
When I don’t quite feel like I belong.
When the world just feels overwhelming.
When I take the smallest rejection as something more.
So I’ll say sorry that she needed to learn how to build walls to protect us.
I’m sorry the foundations weren’t more stable on the rickitty ole life we’ve shared.
But we got here
Wherever here is
And there’s many days left to let the sun shine on our faces and for the breeze to caress all that needs healing within us.
I wrote the letter , then made a paper aeroplane
How far I wonder
Just how far …

A billion stars lay twinkling above me in the dark void of the night.

I searched for eternity
There are no answers here

When the numbness subsides
What then?

When the breath
Feels stale in my lungs
And my heart is heavy
Will you …

’We broke  the bones of each others words and savoured on its marrow’
(Joel M Frye - talking of the old hp)
These are not my words but those of a man in passing.
I just wandered along the corridors of his soul scribbled on walls that no longer feel his presence but will forever hold the man, a poet , a friend , a blessing.
Your words can never die
They are written in stars so bright
And oceans as deep as the darkness you were left to fight .  
May you find beauty in death
May you find peace
God dam it
May you find heaven.

Oh but for those melancholy days
Where within our poetic playground we found connections like none other .
It was beautiful
It was more
It was so much more
So thank you for your part
In a time that was a blessing to us all .
May you rest
May you journey onwards discovering all that is to come

To sweetness you go
I can feel this.

An outstretched hand
And all I felt was cold inside…

Too many yesterdays
Leaves all my tomorrows just a day away …

Sunshine warms my skin
But my heart is so cold
It doesn’t trust
The padlock is too large
And the key is lost …

Love that is blind causes unspoken pain
Love that is soft
Becomes like rain
Love that is broken
Thats it!
It’s broken
just broken
There’s no more here to say …

That alone feeling
When you feel that no one in this whole dam world understands you
That’s kind of the flavour of today
And I’ve talked to myself all night and even though I talk back and that’s usually enough
Tonight it’s not enough
*Tonight the shadows are darker
The silence is deafening and I just feel like screaming to be seen

Please forgive me
As the world beckons
I fall into silence
Into the safety of my cocoon
I lay sleeping
Reinventing myself
DNA is mutating
Into
Something more beautiful
Or so my soul tells me
Colours will be my armour
Hues will befriend the darkness in me
And then
And only then
Will I be ready for my soul to fly
Fly like it has never before

Oh how in my slumber
I yearn for the colour
Of tomorrow

Piece by piece
By piece
By piece

Yesterdays hollow moments got filled
One thought
One action
One breathe
At a time
Yesterday I wasn’t sure
I could make another day

Piece by piece
By piece
By piece

I saw a new day
A day just a little easier
A day where the sun shone a little longer
A day where maybe
Just maybe
The pieces might fit together

*And the whirling  sound in my brain might stop

I see  You
I see you

Please don't stand too close
The devil has broken free from the shackles of his cage and is threatening
To take from me anyone that comes near

Stepping back quietly with grace would be your best option
But even then I can't promise your get out of this in one whole piece

Fragmented pieces falling
You crumble at my feet

If only you'd listened

The devil within
The Angel within
He fell
In darkness as in the light
As in day
As in night

Shh place your finger to your lips
Silence breeds contempt you say
But I say it just serves to keep you safe

In shadows we find ourselves
As sunrise appears
We thank god we have survived

I feel I need to breathe in the waves of the sea,
To feel him gripping me tightly
A breath of warm breeze through the trees,
He entices my soul to fly
I breathe in your love
It is tender yet a little tinged with fear

I will surrender and flow
I will be cleansed and renewed
Or so I believe
And choose to do so

It takes but a moment to move freely through the abbess

Yet I am able to at ease

Follow
Follow
The waves  sing in rhythmic motions
Like some French composer in time with my breath.
The trees sway as I fall freely on the breeze.
Trust in the moment
And you
You must trust also for this magic to be real

How beautiful
How beautiful is it all when we take a moment to breathe  it all in

How exquisitely I take myself  to pieces
Only to ravel up the yarn of my own misgivings so that I am able to try to understand the puzzle put before me.

When you look in the mirror
What is it you see?

Please forgive me
If I step off the edge of reason
There seems so much to say
And such little time.

The grandfather clock strikes 12
Tom’s midnight garden takes  us back to the moment just before we first met.

I may just turn and walk away this time.

I learnt that if I step side ways
I can observe without having to participate in this crazy game.

I will follow the fallen leaves into autumn.

Where was it I hid my conscience again ?
I seem to be unraveling
Mind wanders as I drift upon the frozen memories of some obscure happening.
Please let me ride on the hushed whispers of spring.
And when Tom awakens from his dreams I will bask in the summers rays and warm you with my ever ending love.

The garden of my soul is singing
For was it not a beautiful sight
When I was able to unravel the meaning that sat  just passed the  horizon in your deep hazel eyes.

When I understood the answers to the questions.
When I stopped and thought for just one moment
I realised
That the reflection in the  mirror was nothing but an illusion.

You left the taste of your soul on my pillow.
Thrown onto the floor,
Clinging for a moment to bare floorboards.
My crimson lipstick still lingers
upon my favourite coffee mug.
A memoir to a yesterday lover,
who didn’t quite match up to expectations.
A thoughtful moment of contemplation,
A mistake,
Too many times makes this a mistake …
My cup runneth over,
Yet still I hunger for more of what I’m unaware I need.
My hands held in prayer,
For I beg to understand my flaws.
I beg for the memoirs to be sweeter.
I move slowly around this day,
Letting the scent of you to hold me hostage.
Until the next time I guess…
And I place the pillow back,
puffing up it’s body,
as my frailty is replaced with action,
My coffee cup once again sparkles with the perfection of the moment that hangs before me.
A moment of possibilities,
A future laid with unspoken promises.
But if I hold my ear quietly to my pillow,
I’m sure I heard your soul  whispering,
Something beautiful.
Maybe,
Just maybe,
Next time
You’ll stay.
But,
Reality
never matches up
To the illusion …

Teacup

Exquisitely designed
Herringbone China
Crushed bones designed and fashioned
Into the delicate vessel you hold within the palms of your hands
Warming your fingers on cold winters days,
Relieving the chill of winters breathe.

Hold me close now
For if I drop and fall from your clasp
I will break into a thousand small shards
Splintering against the pavement
Fragmented beyond design
Willow patten weaves its leaves about my handle and birds dance around my rim
Oh how I scream of summer on your lips as morning tea sipped on the dawn wakens your spirits to a new day.
Oh how you sip wine from me when you think no one is watching
An act of rebellion or maybe I am the last clean vessel within the draw .
The set to which I belonged has long since past into oblivion ,
my sister saucers and brother cups no more stand with me
and so I stand alone ,
a victim of circumstance and a hopeful survivor all entwined  within.
I wonder if life had been different
would I of still had your beautiful lips grace my rim .
Oh how I love the curve in your smile and your idle chatter .
My life has been complete because I have loved being and belonging to you .
A simple but exquisitely fashioned tea cup you chose for your own

Nothing touches us so deeply
Than the tears of our children
When darkness engulfs them
Smothering all the beauty of youth
When adulthood is just too hard
And they need to crawl back to the womb
But are too stubborn
Too addicted
Too afraid
What does your heart do when stretched
Beyond recognition
Fragments of a childhood laid ****** and bare for all to see
And there’s nothing you can do there’s nowhere to run from this
The mistakes you made
You loved too hard
You scolded too little
You were too hard when softness was needed
Too soft when you needed to be harder
And all you can do is be there
Be solid and be present
Even when the child is running at the speed of light in the opposite direction
Be present
Be available
Swallow this bitter pill
And pray upon your knees

Christmas,
A time where we remember,
But who remembers us, is what mends or cuts deeper the wounds of the past,
And so maybe we should be remembering to honour all that is sacred within ourselves,
Those selves that have let others in to touch and cut and heal our hearts.
Those selves that have fought beyond boundaries and temptations to keep safe even when we place our minds and bodies on frontlines so raw and destroying .
Bless the self that has risen as Phoenix’s rise through smoke and fire to once more stand within its own majesty and sovereignty so that they can walk tall in a world that at times has misunderstood their intentions and motives .
Remember today to love and honour all that you have been and become,
Fly high the sky is endless and so are we .

I walked into the dentist today
He was sat there
Just quietly waiting
Not for me
And he nodded and I gave a slight awkward nod
The father of my children
Grandfather to my new grandson and my granddaughters
My abuser
It’s been awhile since I even laid eyes upon him
And I shuffled in my seat and then sat still
Thinking how strange
I didn’t want to talk and make idle chat
With this person who years a go I spent intimate moments
And nights of hell with
Flashes of his manic moods swiftly moved past me in remembrance
And I felt nothing
Not fear
Not numbness
Just a nothingness
He walked passed me when called
No nod
No nothing
Just as I wanted

I wish the darkness would smother me in sleep for this restless night has taken me prisoner for it’s own.

She had built a wall so well around the fortress of her heart
But there were cracks forming

In her iron armour
There was rust forming at sharp edges

There was a feeling that
Maybe a connection
Wouldn’t be so bad after all

To live and not live
Surely that is a crime
To breath but not let love close
A mortal sin maybe

But she couldn’t see the faces on the souls that beckoned
She knew no one in which she would desire to connect

So what then?

When your young you fall into the arms of strangers without a thought

Wisdom brings many things

Solitude and often silence can
Sooth and yet taunt in unison.

A memory like a flash back
Like prisms dancing on pavements
Like clouds floating freely
Like that moment when you felt lost and this was the only place to come to rid yourself of the lonesomeness you felt within you
A feeling of belonging
But also of shattering glass and sand flowing through your fingers
Time is often not your friend
The words said on the wrong moment
The feelings you never understood
And I thank life that I have moved past the emptiness and have learnt to be happy in this existence.
I thank life for the moments when memories come knocking
Reminding you that you are enough
You are
And so that is enough for now.

To land briefly upon the moment we call forever
To hover timelessly
Waiting in anticipation for more and yet knowing it is not to come
To sleep with shadows hovering
This much and more we will injure before we are able to escape our own sweet madness.

She stepped beyond herself
Exhausted by childhood and the need to conform to the will of others,
How ever loving they may be
Her clipped wings were free to fly in the majesty of life’s roller coaster ride.
Little did she know that wild spirits lurked in the forests glades
Waiting to devour such a sweet innocent girl child soul.
No lesson learnt at desks or at her mother breast had equipped her for this fall.
But to her mother’s arms she fell.
Backwards falling
Tumbling
Needing the womb like safety that only a child in arms knows.
Mother without judgement holds her love in palms journey
Not letting go until tears subside
And reminds young heart
That hearts were not only made for loving,
But also for healing
And so it goes.

The pavements reflect the colours of your soul my friend.
Rainbow hues lay in puddles of yesterday’s oil spill .
There is no where to roam on such a dark heartless night .
And I’m held motionless within this moment
No one will save me.
I breathe and realise,
I no longer need saving.
This enlightened magical world in which I find myself lends no love to strangers on dark corners .
It holds no memory of the man who stood before the mirror .
Counting the lines within the crevices that line his mature but ageless face.
A handsome man to some .
An ego driven fool to others.
To me he is but a reflection of what might of been .
A memory, a moment of madness in this cold fragile world.
And so I step upon the hue of a fallen rainbow and look for a new story to tell.
One which you no longer have the leading role.

It’s a sad truth but
Just
Sometimes
Facebook is all I have

Searching the crevices of my soul.
Midnight rondevou’s  help me see
the  multifaceted nature of my existence
A moment of realigning my energies
Falling into strange moonlite dreamscapes that make no sense and yet
I find my mind free and open
Embracing my darkness
I hold on tight for this  ride
Never before has it been so important
To just let go
Let go and claw my way forward along
the bramble led path before me.
This is my path
My existence
My life
And I will live it the way my destiny calls me to
And then and only then will I understand the weaving of my soul.

I just miss talking  to you
That’s the bottom line of it
I miss you
Is all

The dark is comforting as it curls around my body.
Shadows linger longer than usual and trying to sleep is given up for writing on walls of this obscure place where no one is seen but many are hiding within sentences.
Giving all their heartbreak and misunderstandings to strangers
Making connections
Like the lost and found
I found something here
But also lost more than I bought
Like fine sand slipping through spindly fingers.
The world looks different since I visited last
So I just want to send love to those who are struggling with demons closed tight in the boxes called home.
If clawing at walls brings no satisfaction
Remember connection
Reach out to the shadows
The corners
The moments
Reach out to your  madness
Make the darkness your friend

Nature pounds her chest
Full pelt
Angry
Frustrated
Vengeful

Beware mighty warriors
We were once not of this earth
And so the earth will rid herself
Of the parasitic infestation that we have become

Such a shame as she rocks us to sleep each night
Our mother screams
She weeps for our redemption
And yet it falls mainly on deaf ears
She still holds us
Scorned children with so much to learn

Her blood will run to stock our fires
And the air will become putrid to her lungs
Trees will bend and forests break
Like  her heart
You can hear it scattering upon the breeze
If you so bother to quieten your mind for a moment to just listen

I SAID LISTEN

I hold her in my heart
As it beats
I feel her as she bleeds
I bleed with her
She is my mother
My Gaia
As the universe is my creator
So too shall he take me from this place

For we do not deserve her

Some will leave in battle
Others in pain
I shall leave her
With sadness
And yet in joy
For now she may have a new beginning

But I would pray
that we could heal her
Hold her
As she has held us
Shield her from harm
As she has
Fed us and watered us
Feed the soul of her
May we rise
Like the sun of a new day
A tribe of warriors
Searching for a new way
A new life
With the safety of Mother at its core
May we rise
May we also have a new beginning
May we rise together
Like the sun
On a new morning

Maybe