Silence trickles gently
down hillsides and cheekbones
In a hue of emotions
Cascading in torrents
How blind are those
That only skim the surface
Never delving into depths
Letting go
Sinking sweetly into oblivion
But trusting in the divine
To hold them above it all

When social distancing becomes the norm
Will you still hold me in your arms
And soothe me with your breath upon my skin
Or will you retreat
A forgetful moment of reconditioning

It’s going to be a long dark night

I miss you
I miss us
I miss myself
The me that is me when I’m with you
I miss those moments
And the moments between moments
Shared moments
Quiet moments
Even the loud angry moments
Because they were still moments with you
I just miss
The moments

And so came the time
She had feared the most
Quite rooms
Empty spaces
Change comes and goes with ease
But bites at the loneliness
And the void becomes so vast
All your nightmares
All your insecurities come rushing
And fall from your face
Cascading in the most beautiful of hues
Upon cheekbones so exquisitely defined by life itself
Children’s heartbeats which kept you away from this place
Hidden from mind
Now monsters of love , regret and the past come hungrily feasting upon your vulnerability
And all you can do
Is allow it
Let it flow
And prey that you will win the battle laid bare before you

I don’t know this place anymore
The faces aren’t  here
The souls don’t linger just a moment
Conversations are void from the blank frameless canvas on my screen

JP caught the last train out
I was told he waved a silent goodbye
To the nobodies standing on the station

Eileen and Chris with their beautiful words
Fell apart and drifted away from us all
The winds of change taking them to the most remote places.
Eileen is dancing with the pixies and making wishes on stars
Chris not so

Gabrielle beautiful girl
Head so strong and wiser than her years
Has her head in a book or a family to raise or a degree in wisdom for all of her days

Paddy
Now paddy can be found down by the stream
Anyone who knew him
Will know what I mean
The fishes are high and the summer is long
But from this place your spirit has gone

Bathsheda
She ran
(And I mean ran real fast)
To the hills
where she runs free
Screaming obscenities
At anyone who might pass
A doff of the hat
A piece of that cake
A moment of connection
Make no mistake
A women of word
Who won’t take your fooling
But for that chocolate cake she would be drooling

Lily oh lily
Oh lily my love
I think you were sent from heaven above
You warm my heart still
But your not of this place
And it’s never here I glimpse your face

Gonzo
My friend
With a smile that hides the reality of a man
Your darkness I love
Your sorrow I weep
But away from here
The burden was too steep

Richard
Now what can I say
You just got up
Left the front door open with no poetic note to say good bye
We yearned
We missed
We adapted
Then we all left
The glue had gone

Helen
Let’s open a bottle and drown all our tears
Well we could
But your not even here

That numb place
Where your comfortably happy
Single equals freedom after all
Free from restraints put on you by another
Free from being judged not good enough
Free to be just who you want to be
But this god dam free place
Gets lonely at times
How do you shout that out to the world
How do you fill voids
The ones you used to fill with crumbs of affection
But affection it was
Even if
Unreal and un-lasting
And the wheel of fortune says bid your time
And your horoscope this month looks promising
But hell  girl your just run back to your safe place
The one where freedom abides and heartbreak has never mended
Your heart is scared from all the daggers that have been plunged within
This numb place is becoming less numb
The drug called freedom you realise can never be as intoxicating as that first look
That first kiss
Yet you look around
And there’s no one
No one you want to connect with on a deeper level
So you look deeper into self
You reflect
You tear yourself apart
Bit by bit by bit by bit
And then some more
Bit by bit by bit by bit

It’s long past midnight
The wind howls around the feet of trees
that stand tall, but bend awkwardly
Into positions they were never fashioned  to reach
the rain starts slowly but increasingly patters like small footprints upon my window pane.
Smoothing and unnerving all rolled into one strange moment of sleeplessness
Insomnia beckons for company
I gave in what can I say I’ll sleep through breakfast now so no harm done
And anyhow I am my own master
So do as I please
And now I wandered here
If your listening I’ll never know
I don’t care for strange relationships across blank screens anymore
I don’t slow my breathing down to accommodate yours
I don’t talk for hours
Delving deep yet dusted with a surface shallowness I could never recognise before
Eyes open
Heart closed
That’s the way to survive I guess

It took a broken body to make me realise
I love myself unconditionally
I love all the broken corners
The dark edges where no body else is allowed to tread
I love the way it rebuilds itself
Bridging together fragments
And I love the way I am
Able to have the strength through the pain to heal

The pain is so real that even a frayed heart couldn’t break this *******
Clasped tight
My chest squeezes out the remaining air that settles beneath
A somewhat elusive reminder that there’s nothing more left to say
No room to breath again
No space to stretch my wings
And yet in silent moments my yearning
Can be heard
Rumbling to the surface like a volcanic eruption
Angry and docile
Waiting and ready
Unexpected and yet
In these moments I feel closer to you than I ever did
To look past the mirrored reflection
Erected to protect me
Not from you but from my expectations of me being with you
Though it wasn’t hard to see we could never climb the same mountain and still be on the same page
We weren’t sculptured from the same beginnings so understanding was seldom real
Empathy is only sweet when real
Sympathy only lives a short life for those who are tarnished with regret and heart strings no longer are strummed by the gentle hand of the lover who has lost their love
In moments like this I dive into the dark ocean that is my soul
It’s quiet and soothing
If not a little lonely at times
And yet
When I curl into self
I almost feel non existent
The smoothing lull of nothingness

When your positivity runs low
But your the person
Everyone else runs too
So no one ever expects you to break

That .....

When tears don’t stop falling
And  you’ve told yourself your not sure you can go on doing what is expected of you
But you feel as though your failing and so can’t give in

That ......

When you just need to talk it out
But they say if you have a problem
Do something about it
Go see a doctor
But your so scared of giving in
Don’t they realise how hard it was to speak out in the first place

That.....

When life feels so raw
you just want to hide Somwhere quiet
When your bones are broken
But so is your mind
When the pain just doesn’t stop
And your work load is crushing

That ......

This is the least bit positive I’ve ever felt
In my life
This is raw
This is hell
This is nasty

The only positive ......
Everything is temporary .....
And so too shall this pass .....

This ............

Shadows bless the night
As we huddle tighter
Sharing a sacred journey
Adversity piles upon us at times
But our human nature screams
Survival at all costs
If I reached out my hand
Would you accept
If I humbled myself at your feet
Would you stay
Or would you run
Afraid and confused of your own reflection
Cotton candy
As sweet as spice
Exquisitely the spider weaves her
Majestic web
As we weave our stories with the threads of time illuminated in the heavens for those who have gone before us
Be it a simple question of time
Of misunderstandings
Or lost promises
We will return
In circles we spiral upwards
Holding onto the very thread that bore our bodies from dust and turned them into the stars I see within your eyes
You are my muse
You are all and everything
Without means words don’t flow
Feelings stay intombed
And my body will return to dust before it betrays you

My words don’t always come out graceful and tamed
That’s when I usually get myself into trouble
Maybe a little rebellion is needed
Just now and again

Autumn leaves have laid their blanket
Upon the quiet ground
Winter beckons for sleep to come
Under the surface life is frozen in
Contemplation of a new cycle of life
As you surrender your past
Like the trees surrender last years growth
As you lay bare all your woes
As the leaves lye silently crisp waiting for someone to come and kick them high or crunch them beneath their feet
The workings of your soul are forgiving
The cold of winter holds you tight as
Your heart strings sleep and heal
For soon after the ideas in your mind eye and the stirrings in your heart
Like life waiting to spring through the ground in spring
So will you be reborn of yourself
Ever knowing
Ever remembering
Ever loving the earth you step on with silent steps
You are
I am
We are all
And we are everything that is beautiful
We are the cycle of nature imbodied within time and space
And once more in the full of summer
We shall shine

Mirrored within my fragile grasp is
a reflection of a time that stood still
Memories faded
Lines on brows
That can never be smoothed away
Worry and anxiety
Keep us safe but also keep us
hollow and fearful of life
If I could crack through the surface
Would I see what I thought I knew

The palm of your hand tells truths you are yet to discover
You can't fight it
This is your life
Your misunderstanding
Your mistake
Your chance to redeem your soul

Chances don't come often
Will I jump with a leap of faith
Knowing I could fall flat on my face
Soul low
Hands *****
Heart sore

Faith in myself
Says fly
Fly higher
Higher than you've ever flown before
Cracked mirrors projecting self will not stop me
Passed hurts  buried under the soil are long gone
There is no reason on earth or in hell
For me not to shine my light
Fear
Fear is just an excuse
An excuse I am no longer willing to go by
Maybe my grasp is not as fragile as I first believed

Fly high
Always shining your glorious light
Like a safe haven
A lighthouse
Upon the rocks of life

Time whirls past at a significant speed
Atoms dancing within the miracle we call our lives
Lines on faces appear from all the laughter we share
Tears no longer etch our pain but release and surrender to something so pure you can almost mould it within your palms
To truly love all that is part of this world
The duality framed within understanding
Feeling blessed
Every soul that has breathed upon my moments and shared in my sunrises
I bless you and the unique moments you have brought  
Hold fast and I send love to all who live with sorrow in their hearts
Yesterday I lived many lives
I had many faces
And now I help the universe to mould the future
For what are we here for
If not to remember
If not to surrender
If not to release and burn down those barricades
That keep us so trapped to a moment that no longer bares credence on our time
Live full
Live so full
The tears I catch from the sky are tainted by your love  
Live so full that the survivor within you can no longer sit in shadows believing he is a fool
For you are a king , a queen
You are
As I am I

When we feel safe so walk unprotected
When the spears of unnecessary anger  
and raised voices
hit you hard and grip you tight

A memory of a feeling
you vowed to your soul that you would hold up your hands
and protect its very essence
you feel you  failed and now you feel the anger, the tears and frustration  
which in reality no long belong here

A message from my soul ...

Mirror mirror on the  wall
deflect this anger from my door
uncuff your psychic chains from me
take back what my heart did feel
in reality this is not mine
but some others to chew up and grind
I free myself from the binds of others  
I spit them out
but not in anger

Do not hold back the fire that bore your soul my child
Or the darkness which tore you apart
It is the making of the man
The remembering of the soul’s call

The smell of gasoline is heavenly to my senses
Pavements rainbows
In metallic hues of loneliness laid bare
This god dam awful place
Full of virgins and nuns
Thy neighbour is holier than thou
Get down on your knees son
It’s time to pray

Where will be your salvation
But in the cries of a mocking bird
Shot dead at dawn
To relive on the horizons crest
Cry not
for sorrow has a new bed fellow
Anger leads me into temptation
My tears are my only release
Bring me back now
Please let me be forgiven

As in truth I am the same
The same as you and her and him
We are all interconnected

My sorrow is found in your lies
As your smile is found on my lips
Your guilt is nowhere to be seen
Because I have hidden it well
Between the seams of my soul

Exquisite is the moment before remembering who I really am
All my naked emotions are running riot
And yet
Here I am at the dawn of a new day

New vices and old habits have become routine
the rain just keeps pouring.
Leaving its traces down the window washed clean is this charred view from within.

Tracing the raindrops as they free fall
Spiralling out of my control down a crystal walkway that leads no-where.
Emotions like daggers are drowned into a numbness that I manage to grasp
but not let go of.
Where to next my friend who am I in this moment?

Nothing can compare to the storm within the mind.
To many faces etched in stone and the dreams only exist in a nightmares sense.
Today won’t haunt tomorrow as the past thrives within the pain.

Waves break just before the shore.
And that that was
simply reminds us of what shall never be.

It’s hard I cannot lie to you
The bottom of the bottle is looming
Just like the end of some romantic novel
We crashed and burnt
When in hell will this grieving turn to anger
At least in anger I will find once more my lost spirit
My salvation

The world is different now
Is it wrong to wish for rose tinted glasses
And a quiet corner of some obscure English garden
In which to sit cross legged and meditate
Whilst bombs reign down
And faiths scream their alliance to God
God holds his head in shame for his children who have been scattered in the wind
Evil lies in the hearts of the broken
Who then in turn spread their anger out wards
Causing chaos and confusion
Love thy neighbour
Hate the sin and not the sinner
These rules you must admit become harder by the day
We have become to humanised
We have become to disconnected
And my spirit cries
For the peace of an English meadow
In which to lie my head

It changed
The day you left
I know it was a gradual submission
But it felt so final
We searched under every pebble
Looked within ourselves
Delved into our scar torn hearts
For a reason why you would of left
Not here
Not this place
But us
ALl OF US
Because it wasn't just me
That you shared your worries with
It wasn't just me
That you took into your trust zone
We all became a circle
Inter linked
One and all
Until it crumbled
We still have so much love here
Across ponds and oceans
Desserts and highways
Interconnected
We would still welcome you back with open hearts and open minds
After all
Your tribe is your tribe
Whatever reason they ran
If only to hide from themselves
From thier truths
Or maybe in search of something to fill the void
I love the way that after so long we still remember
And in rememberence it shall be
You turnt our lives upside down
Sticking us together
One strand of friendship
One doff of the hat
One large slice of chocolate cake
And a friendly smile and conversation
At the end of the day

Did you lay me down on a bed of nails and expect me to surrender my all ?
I felt the waves wash over and they engulfed all that was good
Dragging me down lower than I have ever fallen freely
I wanted a lover
But you entwined your darkness into my light
No one heard the screams
The midnight hour so haunting
A chill lay in place of your heart
You looked straight through me just before you leapt
Head first into oblivion
I just stood motionless for what seemed like a million years
Then I turntable and left
The memory is hollow
But it is memory all the same

I beckon you here
But not so that I can surrender to your will
But so that I can show you the truth in all things good
You may shy away
Hide in those self created shadows of misery
But I will  lay waiting
Just past midnight
The chill and silence deafen my soul
My love I beg
I beg
I'm falling
I'm sitting within your oblivion
Surrounded by creatures not of this world
Demons reign and I fear the fall
I turn
I always turn
You may leap into the hollowness of oblivion
But I fear it's clutches
I fear the hand of love
So turn tail and return
To the moment before midnight
The moment just before
The memory lingers
And the strike of twelve is never heard

Today my head is tierd
My body is aching
But my heart is happy
And my soul at peace

If it will be the same
This time tomorrow
Depends on wether I can bounce
Other people's arrogance
And egos
Away from my skin
Words burn
Feelings echo
Long after
A situation has past

My heart beats.
In moments that I don't try to understand
There you are once more,
Breathing in your darkness
Clawing the walls
Screaming for recognition.
I always thought I could walk away from this place.
I turn from you
Not anticipating
Unable to analyse
You said goodbye so many times
Once when you took your poetic knife and sliced my heart apart,
Blood dripping like rain
A mess to be cleared
And so it was.
Then when you left
And you left
And you left a space.
You walked away
One message,
One word,
One X ,
At a time.
Nothing was left.
Except the faint and faded sound of your breathe upon the screen.
And the silent scream of your torn soul aching.
Connections made
Ripped,
Jaggered
Edges.
Raw yet forgotten in time
Forgive me,
If only unconsciously.
In a moment
I feel you
In between a space.
Between the beats of my heart
And the breath upon my screen

The cracks in your story are illuminated within reason
And your truths are so transparent
Even I can see beyond the void
And past the screen you hold up to hide behind
Sunsets have no need to hide beauty
Nature basks in truth
It is only mere man that wanders aimlessly
Wanting a place where his truth is hidden
Come I beg
Drown me in your desire for a life less meaningless
Oh how I desire it more my friend
And how the sunsets beauty no longer sets me free from my suffering
Souls scream
Hearts are fragmented, crumbled and left to scatter on the breeze
Your scars are unique
And I my friend will trace with my finger tip along each one
Like a dot to dot
And you will show me your truths
You have tried to stay hidden
But I'm sorry you have failed
There are a few
We are special
We are unique
Maybe we are your scars made into reality
Maybe we are your madness running wild
Write a story of unburdened love
Create an art piece
Before it crumbles
What was it that you desired?
Who were you portraying before you lost self to the breeze?
You may like to believe my friend that transparency does not exist
That your not made of glass
That you will not break
But break we must at the end of every day
So that tomorrow in sunrise the sharp edges may morph and surrender
Once more hiding within
The man excapes into the sunrise too fearful
And yet does not realise
The truth before his own eyes

She thinks she knows that I'm falling
She tries to distroy all that I hold sacred
But come let me remove my shoes and pass them over
They fit her so well
Walk awhile
Get the feeling
The feeling that is my life
But she won't be feeling what I would be feeling would she
It's no good thinking if I was in her shoes I'd be

Going mad right now

If I was in her shoes
I couldn't hang on to my sanity

Because that would just be her
With her mental issues
Pretending that she knows what's going on
In my head

So
Please don't be worried about me
Please don't go see the boss

Oh **** you already have
How kind

She couldnt even work out how to put my shoes on

I have been through life times of heart ache
I have been dragged and drugged
And punished and loved

Yes loved

That hurts the most sometimes

*Give me back my shoes now
And go look at your own reflection in the mirror
Instead of projecting onto me

I see you

Please don't stand too close
The devil has broken free from the shackles of his cage and is threatening
To take from me anyone that comes near

Stepping back quietly with grace would be your best option
But even then I can't promise your get out of this in one whole piece

Fragmented pieces falling
You crumble at my feet

If only you'd listened

The devil within
The Angel within
He fell
In darkness as in the light
As in day
As in night

Shh place your finger to your lips
Silence breads contempt you say
But I say it just serves to keep you safe

In shadows we find ourselves
As sunrise appears
We thank god we have survived

The ever optimistic fool sits with sapphire teals rolling frantically from eyes which see too much
The heart that has been torn, tread upon and dragged in the dust can not bare the burden
So it rips apart,spilling it's ragged contents Into the gutter
There is nowhere left to run and your not really sure there's a need to leave
But a return back from this pessimism would be a delightful notion
As thoughts twist and turn
Like a never ending last spin on your noisy washer
Faster, more fragmented, frantic and free
The land has been freshly ploughed
The arguments are over
You have used your voice so as not to be seen as invisible
You may have spilled it all and god knows where we go from here
But it's certain that we will take not a step backwards in our endevour to be heard
Scratch an itch and it will get bigger
Keep picking at my scars and I will not be able to give you my free thinking happy mask that I manage to wear so well
So well indeed that I truly forgot this part of me ever existed
To stand upon the highest hill in the middle of a storm that could match my own
To meet my match in natures force
This alone will help me sleep
The dreams are so haunting
And I'm drowning in the neglectful thoughtlessness of  clowns

On the verge of contentment
And the towers are falling once more
Everyone around me is crazy
And I cling to myself for comfort
But how can I survive
When everything meaningful floats aimlessly
Whirling upwards
Then crashing heavily
Against walls of our own making
Your dreams will come to haunt as well as comfort
I gave up looking for love
Leaving it to fools on verges who love to dispair in the arms of strangers
Who will only tare them apart and devour their souls
But love lies in the blanket of your grandchilds smiles
Love lies restless on the breathes of siblings who need to connect
As you do also and its pulling and suffocating but all so comforting all at the same time
In the eyes of my mother who has fallen head first into oblivion pleaded to me
My mother now the child and the adult that am I
And the question is why do I care so ****** much
I feel as though she is my child that needs wrapping in swadling
Unable to fend or survive alone
This pain and the distance from here to there pulls me apart
Rendering me hopelessly out of control
Anxiety racks my nerves leaving my appetite gone and my fears ablaze
There may be no happy ending here
But there will be a silence
A silence so complete
A silence so serene