You left the taste of your soul on my pillow.
Thrown onto the floor,
Clinging for a moment to bare floorboards.
My crimson lipstick still lingers
upon my favourite coffee mug.
A memoir to a yesterday lover,
who didn’t quite match up to expectations.
A thoughtful moment of contemplation,
A mistake,
Too many times makes this a mistake …
My cup runneth over,
Yet still I hunger for more of what I’m unaware I need.
My hands held in prayer,
For I beg to understand my flaws.
I beg for the memoirs to be sweeter.
I move slowly around this day,
Letting the scent of you to hold me hostage.
Until the next time I guess…
And I place the pillow back,
puffing up it’s body,
as my frailty is replaced with action,
My coffee cup once again sparkles with the perfection of the moment that hangs before me.
A moment of possibilities,
A future laid with unspoken promises.
But if I hold my ear quietly to my pillow,
I’m sure I heard your soul  whispering,
Something beautiful.
Maybe,
Just maybe,
Next time
You’ll stay.
But,
Reality
never matches up
To the illusion …

Teacup

Exquisitely designed
Herringbone China
Crushed bones designed and fashioned
Into the delicate vessel you hold within the palms of your hands
Warming your fingers on cold winters days,
Relieving the chill of winters breathe.

Hold me close now
For if I drop and fall from your clasp
I will break into a thousand small shards
Splintering against the pavement
Fragmented beyond design
Willow patten weaves its leaves about my handle and birds dance around my rim
Oh how I scream of summer on your lips as morning tea sipped on the dawn wakens your spirits to a new day.
Oh how you sip wine from me when you think no one is watching
An act of rebellion or maybe I am the last clean vessel within the draw .
The set to which I belonged has long since past into oblivion ,
my sister saucers and brother cups no more stand with me
and so I stand alone ,
a victim of circumstance and a hopeful survivor all entwined  within.
I wonder if life had been different
would I of still had your beautiful lips grace my rim .
Oh how I love the curve in your smile and your idle chatter .
My life has been complete because I have loved being and belonging to you .
A simple but exquisitely fashioned tea cup you chose for your own

Nothing touches us so deeply
Than the tears of our children
When darkness engulfs them
Smothering all the beauty of youth
When adulthood is just too hard
And they need to crawl back to the womb
But are too stubborn
Too addicted
Too afraid
What does your heart do when stretched
Beyond recognition
Fragments of a childhood laid ****** and bare for all to see
And there’s nothing you can do there’s nowhere to run from this
The mistakes you made
You loved too hard
You scolded too little
You were too hard when softness was needed
Too soft when you needed to be harder
And all you can do is be there
Be solid and be present
Even when the child is running at the speed of light in the opposite direction
Be present
Be available
Swallow this bitter pill
And pray upon your knees

Christmas,
A time where we remember,
But who remembers us, is what mends or cuts deeper the wounds of the past,
And so maybe we should be remembering to honour all that is sacred within ourselves,
Those selves that have let others in to touch and cut and heal our hearts.
Those selves that have fought beyond boundaries and temptations to keep safe even when we place our minds and bodies on frontlines so raw and destroying .
Bless the self that has risen as Phoenix’s rise through smoke and fire to once more stand within its own majesty and sovereignty so that they can walk tall in a world that at times has misunderstood their intentions and motives .
Remember today to love and honour all that you have been and become,
Fly high the sky is endless and so are we .

I walked into the dentist today
He was sat there
Just quietly waiting
Not for me
And he nodded and I gave a slight awkward nod
The father of my children
Grandfather to my new grandson and my granddaughters
My abuser
It’s been awhile since I even laid eyes upon him
And I shuffled in my seat and then sat still
Thinking how strange
I didn’t want to talk and make idle chat
With this person who years a go I spent intimate moments
And nights of hell with
Flashes of his manic moods swiftly moved past me in remembrance
And I felt nothing
Not fear
Not numbness
Just a nothingness
He walked passed me when called
No nod
No nothing
Just as I wanted

I wish the darkness would smother me in sleep for this restless night has taken me prisoner for it’s own.

She had built a wall so well around the fortress of her heart
But there were cracks forming

In her iron armour
There was rust forming at sharp edges

There was a feeling that
Maybe a connection
Wouldn’t be so bad after all

To live and not live
Surely that is a crime
To breath but not let love close
A mortal sin maybe

But she couldn’t see the faces on the souls that beckoned
She knew no one in which she would desire to connect

So what then?

When your young you fall into the arms of strangers without a thought

Wisdom brings many things

Solitude and often silence can
Sooth and yet taunt in unison.

A memory like a flash back
Like prisms dancing on pavements
Like clouds floating freely
Like that moment when you felt lost and this was the only place to come to rid yourself of the lonesomeness you felt within you
A feeling of belonging
But also of shattering glass and sand flowing through your fingers
Time is often not your friend
The words said on the wrong moment
The feelings you never understood
And I thank life that I have moved past the emptiness and have learnt to be happy in this existence.
I thank life for the moments when memories come knocking
Reminding you that you are enough
You are
And so that is enough for now.

To land briefly upon the moment we call forever
To hover timelessly
Waiting in anticipation for more and yet knowing it is not to come
To sleep with shadows hovering
This much and more we will injure before we are able to escape our own sweet madness.

She stepped beyond herself
Exhausted by childhood and the need to conform to the will of others,
How ever loving they may be
Her clipped wings were free to fly in the majesty of life’s roller coaster ride.
Little did she know that wild spirits lurked in the forests glades
Waiting to devour such a sweet innocent girl child soul.
No lesson learnt at desks or at her mother breast had equipped her for this fall.
But to her mother’s arms she fell.
Backwards falling
Tumbling
Needing the womb like safety that only a child in arms knows.
Mother without judgement holds her love in palms journey
Not letting go until tears subside
And reminds young heart
That hearts were not only made for loving,
But also for healing
And so it goes.

The pavements reflect the colours of your soul my friend.
Rainbow hues lay in puddles of yesterday’s oil spill .
There is no where to roam on such a dark heartless night .
And I’m held motionless within this moment
No one will save me.
I breathe and realise,
I no longer need saving.
This enlightened magical world in which I find myself lends no love to strangers on dark corners .
It holds no memory of the man who stood before the mirror .
Counting the lines within the crevices that line his mature but ageless face.
A handsome man to some .
An ego driven fool to others.
To me he is but a reflection of what might of been .
A memory, a moment of madness in this cold fragile world.
And so I step upon the hue of a fallen rainbow and look for a new story to tell.
One which you no longer have the leading role.

It’s a sad truth but
Just
Sometimes
Facebook is all I have

Searching the crevices of my soul.
Midnight rondevou’s  help me see
the  multifaceted nature of my existence
A moment of realigning my energies
Falling into strange moonlite dreamscapes that make no sense and yet
I find my mind free and open
Embracing my darkness
I hold on tight for this  ride
Never before has it been so important
To just let go
Let go and claw my way forward along
the bramble led path before me.
This is my path
My existence
My life
And I will live it the way my destiny calls me to
And then and only then will I understand the weaving of my soul.

I just miss talking  to you
That’s the bottom line of it
I miss you
Is all

The dark is comforting as it curls around my body.
Shadows linger longer than usual and trying to sleep is given up for writing on walls of this obscure place where no one is seen but many are hiding within sentences.
Giving all their heartbreak and misunderstandings to strangers
Making connections
Like the lost and found
I found something here
But also lost more than I bought
Like fine sand slipping through spindly fingers.
The world looks different since I visited last
So I just want to send love to those who are struggling with demons closed tight in the boxes called home.
If clawing at walls brings no satisfaction
Remember connection
Reach out to the shadows
The corners
The moments
Reach out to your  madness
Make the darkness your friend

Nature pounds her chest
Full pelt
Angry
Frustrated
Vengeful

Beware mighty warriors
We were once not of this earth
And so the earth will rid herself
Of the parasitic infestation that we have become

Such a shame as she rocks us to sleep each night
Our mother screams
She weeps for our redemption
And yet it falls mainly on deaf ears
She still holds us
Scorned children with so much to learn

Her blood will run to stock our fires
And the air will become putrid to her lungs
Trees will bend and forests break
Like  her heart
You can hear it scattering upon the breeze
If you so bother to quieten your mind for a moment to just listen

I SAID LISTEN

I hold her in my heart
As it beats
I feel her as she bleeds
I bleed with her
She is my mother
My Gaia
As the universe is my creator
So too shall he take me from this place

For we do not deserve her

Some will leave in battle
Others in pain
I shall leave her
With sadness
And yet in joy
For now she may have a new beginning

But I would pray
that we could heal her
Hold her
As she has held us
Shield her from harm
As she has
Fed us and watered us
Feed the soul of her
May we rise
Like the sun of a new day
A tribe of warriors
Searching for a new way
A new life
With the safety of Mother at its core
May we rise
May we also have a new beginning
May we rise together
Like the sun
On a new morning

Maybe

Silence trickles gently
down hillsides and cheekbones
In a hue of emotions
Cascading in torrents
How blind are those
That only skim the surface
Never delving into depths
Letting go
Sinking sweetly into oblivion
But trusting in the divine
To hold them above it all

When social distancing becomes the norm
Will you still hold me in your arms
And soothe me with your breath upon my skin
Or will you retreat
A forgetful moment of reconditioning

It’s going to be a long dark night

I miss you
I miss us
I miss myself
The me that is me when I’m with you
I miss those moments
And the moments between moments
Shared moments
Quiet moments
Even the loud angry moments
Because they were still moments with you
I just miss
The moments

And so came the time
She had feared the most
Quite rooms
Empty spaces
Change comes and goes with ease
But bites at the loneliness
And the void becomes so vast
All your nightmares
All your insecurities come rushing
And fall from your face
Cascading in the most beautiful of hues
Upon cheekbones so exquisitely defined by life itself
Children’s heartbeats which kept you away from this place
Hidden from mind
Now monsters of love , regret and the past come hungrily feasting upon your vulnerability
And all you can do
Is allow it
Let it flow
And prey that you will win the battle laid bare before you

I don’t know this place anymore
The faces aren’t  here
The souls don’t linger just a moment
Conversations are void from the blank frameless canvas on my screen

JP caught the last train out
I was told he waved a silent goodbye
To the nobodies standing on the station

Eileen and Chris with their beautiful words
Fell apart and drifted away from us all
The winds of change taking them to the most remote places.
Eileen is dancing with the pixies and making wishes on stars
Chris not so

Gabrielle beautiful girl
Head so strong and wiser than her years
Has her head in a book or a family to raise or a degree in wisdom for all of her days

Paddy
Now paddy can be found down by the stream
Anyone who knew him
Will know what I mean
The fishes are high and the summer is long
But from this place your spirit has gone

Bathsheda
She ran
(And I mean ran real fast)
To the hills
where she runs free
Screaming obscenities
At anyone who might pass
A doff of the hat
A piece of that cake
A moment of connection
Make no mistake
A women of word
Who won’t take your fooling
But for that chocolate cake she would be drooling

Lily oh lily
Oh lily my love
I think you were sent from heaven above
You warm my heart still
But your not of this place
And it’s never here I glimpse your face

Gonzo
My friend
With a smile that hides the reality of a man
Your darkness I love
Your sorrow I weep
But away from here
The burden was too steep

Richard
Now what can I say
You just got up
Left the front door open with no poetic note to say good bye
We yearned
We missed
We adapted
Then we all left
The glue had gone

Helen
Let’s open a bottle and drown all our tears
Well we could
But your not even here

That numb place
Where your comfortably happy
Single equals freedom after all
Free from restraints put on you by another
Free from being judged not good enough
Free to be just who you want to be
But this god dam free place
Gets lonely at times
How do you shout that out to the world
How do you fill voids
The ones you used to fill with crumbs of affection
But affection it was
Even if
Unreal and un-lasting
And the wheel of fortune says bid your time
And your horoscope this month looks promising
But hell  girl your just run back to your safe place
The one where freedom abides and heartbreak has never mended
Your heart is scared from all the daggers that have been plunged within
This numb place is becoming less numb
The drug called freedom you realise can never be as intoxicating as that first look
That first kiss
Yet you look around
And there’s no one
No one you want to connect with on a deeper level
So you look deeper into self
You reflect
You tear yourself apart
Bit by bit by bit by bit
And then some more
Bit by bit by bit by bit

It’s long past midnight
The wind howls around the feet of trees
that stand tall, but bend awkwardly
Into positions they were never fashioned  to reach
the rain starts slowly but increasingly patters like small footprints upon my window pane.
Smoothing and unnerving all rolled into one strange moment of sleeplessness
Insomnia beckons for company
I gave in what can I say I’ll sleep through breakfast now so no harm done
And anyhow I am my own master
So do as I please
And now I wandered here
If your listening I’ll never know
I don’t care for strange relationships across blank screens anymore
I don’t slow my breathing down to accommodate yours
I don’t talk for hours
Delving deep yet dusted with a surface shallowness I could never recognise before
Eyes open
Heart closed
That’s the way to survive I guess

It took a broken body to make me realise
I love myself unconditionally
I love all the broken corners
The dark edges where no body else is allowed to tread
I love the way it rebuilds itself
Bridging together fragments
And I love the way I am
Able to have the strength through the pain to heal

The pain is so real that even a frayed heart couldn’t break this *******
Clasped tight
My chest squeezes out the remaining air that settles beneath
A somewhat elusive reminder that there’s nothing more left to say
No room to breath again
No space to stretch my wings
And yet in silent moments my yearning
Can be heard
Rumbling to the surface like a volcanic eruption
Angry and docile
Waiting and ready
Unexpected and yet
In these moments I feel closer to you than I ever did
To look past the mirrored reflection
Erected to protect me
Not from you but from my expectations of me being with you
Though it wasn’t hard to see we could never climb the same mountain and still be on the same page
We weren’t sculptured from the same beginnings so understanding was seldom real
Empathy is only sweet when real
Sympathy only lives a short life for those who are tarnished with regret and heart strings no longer are strummed by the gentle hand of the lover who has lost their love
In moments like this I dive into the dark ocean that is my soul
It’s quiet and soothing
If not a little lonely at times
And yet
When I curl into self
I almost feel non existent
The smoothing lull of nothingness

When your positivity runs low
But your the person
Everyone else runs too
So no one ever expects you to break

That .....

When tears don’t stop falling
And  you’ve told yourself your not sure you can go on doing what is expected of you
But you feel as though your failing and so can’t give in

That ......

When you just need to talk it out
But they say if you have a problem
Do something about it
Go see a doctor
But your so scared of giving in
Don’t they realise how hard it was to speak out in the first place

That.....

When life feels so raw
you just want to hide Somwhere quiet
When your bones are broken
But so is your mind
When the pain just doesn’t stop
And your work load is crushing

That ......

This is the least bit positive I’ve ever felt
In my life
This is raw
This is hell
This is nasty

The only positive ......
Everything is temporary .....
And so too shall this pass .....

This ............

Shadows bless the night
As we huddle tighter
Sharing a sacred journey
Adversity piles upon us at times
But our human nature screams
Survival at all costs
If I reached out my hand
Would you accept
If I humbled myself at your feet
Would you stay
Or would you run
Afraid and confused of your own reflection
Cotton candy
As sweet as spice
Exquisitely the spider weaves her
Majestic web
As we weave our stories with the threads of time illuminated in the heavens for those who have gone before us
Be it a simple question of time
Of misunderstandings
Or lost promises
We will return
In circles we spiral upwards
Holding onto the very thread that bore our bodies from dust and turned them into the stars I see within your eyes
You are my muse
You are all and everything
Without means words don’t flow
Feelings stay intombed
And my body will return to dust before it betrays you

My words don’t always come out graceful and tamed
That’s when I usually get myself into trouble
Maybe a little rebellion is needed
Just now and again

Autumn leaves have laid their blanket
Upon the quiet ground
Winter beckons for sleep to come
Under the surface life is frozen in
Contemplation of a new cycle of life
As you surrender your past
Like the trees surrender last years growth
As you lay bare all your woes
As the leaves lye silently crisp waiting for someone to come and kick them high or crunch them beneath their feet
The workings of your soul are forgiving
The cold of winter holds you tight as
Your heart strings sleep and heal
For soon after the ideas in your mind eye and the stirrings in your heart
Like life waiting to spring through the ground in spring
So will you be reborn of yourself
Ever knowing
Ever remembering
Ever loving the earth you step on with silent steps
You are
I am
We are all
And we are everything that is beautiful
We are the cycle of nature imbodied within time and space
And once more in the full of summer
We shall shine

Mirrored within my fragile grasp is
a reflection of a time that stood still
Memories faded
Lines on brows
That can never be smoothed away
Worry and anxiety
Keep us safe but also keep us
hollow and fearful of life
If I could crack through the surface
Would I see what I thought I knew

The palm of your hand tells truths you are yet to discover
You can't fight it
This is your life
Your misunderstanding
Your mistake
Your chance to redeem your soul

Chances don't come often
Will I jump with a leap of faith
Knowing I could fall flat on my face
Soul low
Hands *****
Heart sore

Faith in myself
Says fly
Fly higher
Higher than you've ever flown before
Cracked mirrors projecting self will not stop me
Passed hurts  buried under the soil are long gone
There is no reason on earth or in hell
For me not to shine my light
Fear
Fear is just an excuse
An excuse I am no longer willing to go by
Maybe my grasp is not as fragile as I first believed

Fly high
Always shining your glorious light
Like a safe haven
A lighthouse
Upon the rocks of life

Time whirls past at a significant speed
Atoms dancing within the miracle we call our lives
Lines on faces appear from all the laughter we share
Tears no longer etch our pain but release and surrender to something so pure you can almost mould it within your palms
To truly love all that is part of this world
The duality framed within understanding
Feeling blessed
Every soul that has breathed upon my moments and shared in my sunrises
I bless you and the unique moments you have brought  
Hold fast and I send love to all who live with sorrow in their hearts
Yesterday I lived many lives
I had many faces
And now I help the universe to mould the future
For what are we here for
If not to remember
If not to surrender
If not to release and burn down those barricades
That keep us so trapped to a moment that no longer bares credence on our time
Live full
Live so full
The tears I catch from the sky are tainted by your love  
Live so full that the survivor within you can no longer sit in shadows believing he is a fool
For you are a king , a queen
You are
As I am I

When we feel safe so walk unprotected
When the spears of unnecessary anger  
and raised voices
hit you hard and grip you tight

A memory of a feeling
you vowed to your soul that you would hold up your hands
and protect its very essence
you feel you  failed and now you feel the anger, the tears and frustration  
which in reality no long belong here

A message from my soul ...

Mirror mirror on the  wall
deflect this anger from my door
uncuff your psychic chains from me
take back what my heart did feel
in reality this is not mine
but some others to chew up and grind
I free myself from the binds of others  
I spit them out
but not in anger

Do not hold back the fire that bore your soul my child
Or the darkness which tore you apart
It is the making of the man
The remembering of the soul’s call

The smell of gasoline is heavenly to my senses
Pavements rainbows
In metallic hues of loneliness laid bare
This god dam awful place
Full of virgins and nuns
Thy neighbour is holier than thou
Get down on your knees son
It’s time to pray

Where will be your salvation
But in the cries of a mocking bird
Shot dead at dawn
To relive on the horizons crest
Cry not
for sorrow has a new bed fellow
Anger leads me into temptation
My tears are my only release
Bring me back now
Please let me be forgiven

As in truth I am the same
The same as you and her and him
We are all interconnected

My sorrow is found in your lies
As your smile is found on my lips
Your guilt is nowhere to be seen
Because I have hidden it well
Between the seams of my soul

Exquisite is the moment before remembering who I really am
All my naked emotions are running riot
And yet
Here I am at the dawn of a new day

New vices and old habits have become routine
the rain just keeps pouring.
Leaving its traces down the window washed clean is this charred view from within.

Tracing the raindrops as they free fall
Spiralling out of my control down a crystal walkway that leads no-where.
Emotions like daggers are drowned into a numbness that I manage to grasp
but not let go of.
Where to next my friend who am I in this moment?

Nothing can compare to the storm within the mind.
To many faces etched in stone and the dreams only exist in a nightmares sense.
Today won’t haunt tomorrow as the past thrives within the pain.

Waves break just before the shore.
And that that was
simply reminds us of what shall never be.

It’s hard I cannot lie to you
The bottom of the bottle is looming
Just like the end of some romantic novel
We crashed and burnt
When in hell will this grieving turn to anger
At least in anger I will find once more my lost spirit
My salvation