Nothing touches us so deeply
Than the tears of our children
When darkness engulfs them
Smothering all the beauty of youth
When adulthood is just too hard
And they need to crawl back to the womb
But are too stubborn
Too addicted
Too afraid
What does your heart do when stretched
Beyond recognition
Fragments of a childhood laid ****** and bare for all to see
And there’s nothing you can do there’s nowhere to run from this
The mistakes you made
You loved too hard
You scolded too little
You were too hard when softness was needed
Too soft when you needed to be harder
And all you can do is be there
Be solid and be present
Even when the child is running at the speed of light in the opposite direction
Be present
Be available
Swallow this bitter pill
And pray upon your knees

Christmas,
A time where we remember,
But who remembers us, is what mends or cuts deeper the wounds of the past,
And so maybe we should be remembering to honour all that is sacred within ourselves,
Those selves that have let others in to touch and cut and heal our hearts.
Those selves that have fought beyond boundaries and temptations to keep safe even when we place our minds and bodies on frontlines so raw and destroying .
Bless the self that has risen as Phoenix’s rise through smoke and fire to once more stand within its own majesty and sovereignty so that they can walk tall in a world that at times has misunderstood their intentions and motives .
Remember today to love and honour all that you have been and become,
Fly high the sky is endless and so are we .

I walked into the dentist today
He was sat there
Just quietly waiting
Not for me
And he nodded and I gave a slight awkward nod
The father of my children
Grandfather to my new grandson and my granddaughters
My abuser
It’s been awhile since I even laid eyes upon him
And I shuffled in my seat and then sat still
Thinking how strange
I didn’t want to talk and make idle chat
With this person who years a go I spent intimate moments
And nights of hell with
Flashes of his manic moods swiftly moved past me in remembrance
And I felt nothing
Not fear
Not numbness
Just a nothingness
He walked passed me when called
No nod
No nothing
Just as I wanted

I wish the darkness would smother me in sleep for this restless night has taken me prisoner for it’s own.

She had built a wall so well around the fortress of her heart
But there were cracks forming

In her iron armour
There was rust forming at sharp edges

There was a feeling that
Maybe a connection
Wouldn’t be so bad after all

To live and not live
Surely that is a crime
To breath but not let love close
A mortal sin maybe

But she couldn’t see the faces on the souls that beckoned
She knew no one in which she would desire to connect

So what then?

When your young you fall into the arms of strangers without a thought

Wisdom brings many things

Solitude and often silence can
Sooth and yet taunt in unison.

A memory like a flash back
Like prisms dancing on pavements
Like clouds floating freely
Like that moment when you felt lost and this was the only place to come to rid yourself of the lonesomeness you felt within you
A feeling of belonging
But also of shattering glass and sand flowing through your fingers
Time is often not your friend
The words said on the wrong moment
The feelings you never understood
And I thank life that I have moved past the emptiness and have learnt to be happy in this existence.
I thank life for the moments when memories come knocking
Reminding you that you are enough
You are
And so that is enough for now.

To land briefly upon the moment we call forever
To hover timelessly
Waiting in anticipation for more and yet knowing it is not to come
To sleep with shadows hovering
This much and more we will injure before we are able to escape our own sweet madness.