ordinary things feel super extraordinary when you're looking into his eyes and he's smiling at you and reaching for your hands

not everyone who holds a pen is a writer.
not everyone who rides a horse is a jockey.
not everyone who clips their toenails is a podiatrist.
not everyone who smokes knows the feeling.
not everyone who chokes is a sadist.
not everyone who lies is an actor.
not everyone who wears a moustache is a communist.
not everyone who smiles is the sunlight.
not everyone who tries is a failure.
not everyone who shouts knows the silence.
not everyone who cries knows depression.
not everyone who laughs gets the joke.
not everyone who speaks is a teacher.
not everyone who hears truly listens.
not everyone who died really lived.

I can't do this anymore.

I wish I felt nothing.

there's this necklace I wear layered under countless other pendants that hold memory and feeling
it's supposed to be the symbol "the hand of God"
it's supposed to protect me from evil and give me strength
it used to give women strength and power to be healthy and have fertility
why doesn't it help me find the strength to get out of bed in the morning?
what evil eye has it protected me from?
the history says that the sun and moon are eyes of God, that God is everywhere with us
we can never leave the consciousness of God
it's been traced back to early Mesopotamia but maybe I'm just too ****** up to actually receive some sort of help
why do I even bother?

I keep praying to what seems to be a nonexistent God. I ask for some sort of strength to get me through these hard times but all I can find are reasons why I should give up