It was the time of summer where every kid had silently realized that it was ending,
No longer halfway through, no longer half full
Leaking and spilling out,
like the gas in my twenty two year old car
We couldn’t stop it,
And the moments of high school summertime
The moments that supposedly turn into stories we tell forever
Hadn’t seemed to have happened.

Both of us on the swing lazily swung
Dizzily from side to side.
Climbing forward, falling in reverse
Our combined bodyweight shifting back and forth
Tanned legs kicking up in an attempt at unison on every backwards glide.
Gravity hung us there,
Pulling the swing toward the ground no matter the rotation.

I sat on top.
I wore bleached shorts and bleached hair.
I worried that gravity or more so my value to it
would crush him.


At the same time, I felt unbelievably small.


The air pressed in on me from all angles,
it touched my bare legs
it easily waffled my shirt.

“Mel, if you were squishing me, I would let you know”,
he assured with a cocky tone of his very own that somehow made me feel special.
I couldn’t help but think he was only trying to be tough
Attempting to let sheer willpower overweigh my well earned quads,
My six foot frame.
The awkward body I never quite grew into
Never knew how to masterfully control
Never knew how to fill.
Though I secretly (wanted to) truly believe him

On this humid night I felt like the ball was in my court,
Like I could do anything and everything.
That nothing could go wrong
That the boy that I was sitting on was genuine
And that I could simply drive off to wherever.

(I had a full tank of gas and enough money to get me to Alabama).

I felt small in this,
in this infinity of possibility all around me.
Like a weight was pushing into me
Putting on pressure that couldn’t be ignored
That shrunk me just enough.
I felt powerless to fate
Powerless to this planet
To this grand, glorified hunk of earth which was so much greater than me
(and surely my insignificant weight anxieties).

I felt like the gas was leaking out faster than I could use it.
I felt like my infinity was disappearing as I swung within it.


Just like that, I let the ball drop and the gas leak out.
We just kept swinging.
Laughing,
Wasting,
Talking,

Dying.

This is why I am here
instead of there.
It’s all because of you
and your twisted neck,
turning too far
just to smile once more in my direction.
It’s because of you
and your reasons,
your forward thoughts
and backwards compliments,
chasing some dream
that I know you’ll achieve
because that’s just how it works.
It would be unfair of me
to point out the possibility
of failure.
It’s because of you
that I look on the bright side.
“If not today,”
I think,
“then tomorrow.”
With you,
there is always tomorrow.

I crest the hill lined with young red delicious    
and pass the rows of rotten purple squash.
Barreling into the crooked entrance
my tires spit gravel and huff dust
into the yard.
The golden maple with palm-sized leaves
is my beacon
through unforeseen junctures and the stony pathway.
Lavender tulips genuflect with the wind
their reflections dancing on his polished granite.

The river's frozen over
two feet thick with ice
above a trickle so weak.
Fish, half frozen, trapped inside
unaware of the spring to come
thoughts slowed down to a single function
breathing weakly
struggling to pull the most from the remaining
pockets of oxygen in the ice
as I watch their struggle
I can't help but lose a bit of myself
I find my mind right down there with them
slowed down to a single function
trying to pull the most left from the little pockets
of oxygen left in my own life

One said: It changes your outlook of life.
Alters your lifestyle somewhat.

Other said: It’s your choice. You can either do it or don’t.
I choose to be trustworthy.

I am indeed happy right now with what we have,
and what we don’t have.
I choose to be simply happy.

I shun negativities. I neglect those who are unhappy for me.
Even if they say that they are, I can feel evil and jealousy.
That is not happiness.
I choose to stay away.

I have tons of people around me who share the smiles,
the blissful mood and they too share back their warm hearts.

I am enlightened now. Elucidated.

I am not scared of choosing the right actions and feelings.

Letting things be keeps me up; Keeps me not analysing more.
Retains my sanity.

I choose you.
I choose to enjoy love.
I have you in my life now and it becomes fuller.
Makes me grow.

I choose to grow happier.

You were glad to-night: and now you’ve gone away.
Flushed in the dark, you put your dreams to bed;
But as you fall asleep I hear you say
Those tired sweet drowsy words we left unsaid.

Sleep well: for I can follow you, to bless
And lull your distant beauty where you roam;
And with wild songs of hoarded loveliness
Recall you to these arms that were your home.

i've been thinking about
you and me,
love and life,
and i think i like
me and life better.