I am not afraid of darkness
Why should I be?
The brightest of all lights
Is shining within me.

Suffocated.
That's what I am.
I am suffocated.

So many people
and my hands and legs
won't stop shaking.
I can't breathe
but I can't run.

Is this what it feels like?
To be so scared and afraid?
All you want to do is stay at home
forever and ever and ever...

No friends, no one.
Only me, only me...

I think I like it,
the suffocation and darkness
and this loneliness.
What's gonna happen to me?

I think I'm going crazy,
and that's absolutely fine with me.

*(n.d.)

Dear momma
All things I've ever wanted to say
I never did
And I'm sorry
Countless times I've wished
You were here
Once again
In the artist's apron
A paintbrush in your hand
"I'm going to paint a portrait of myself."
It was never completed
Unfinished
Like my words
I never did complete them
"I love you"
So hard to say
An unnatural force turned into a barrier
Choked me
Even till
When all oxygen left you
When it became past tense
Your lovely eyes turning soulless
Lips that couldn't utter anymore
The word mother
Was suddenly unrelatable
So many nights
I curled up and sobbed
Wishing I had said something
Anything
In everything
I'm waiting for that day again
Mom
For the day I'll be able to say
"I love you so much and I'm sorry."
x

boxed in with no place to go
stuck with the chaos that was spun out of nothing
my life has become a shadow of what once was
my being split into two
the light
trying to see the good in the world
feeling the love that was once abundant in me
showing mercy to others and
keeping hope alive
the shadow
a force of negativity
embracing the anger that was shelved away from everyone
punishing people for no reason
other than a sadistic joy
neither feels complete
both requiring an equal balance
just so they can feel fulfilled
both wanting the same thing
humanity
light wants to see what lies withing the darkness
but only illuminates
dispersing all shadows from its sight
shadow only wants to feel the warm embrace of the light
never wanting more than to warm its frozen heart
both want what can't be obtained
both want equilibrium
but cannot grasp it without the feeling of humanity
light
shadow
my subconscious mind cannot grasp their pain for long
attempting to block out their cries
trying to remain whole
but always feeling fractured
broken because of the life that has been lived
my mind tries to hold light and shadow together
waiting for someone who can fix what has been disconnected for a long time