My world is crashing down
here it is my home is torn from my grasp
my summer life is far away
without an opportunity to get her back  
im heartbroken
utterly shattered
in everyway I havve no idea what to do
all with one email and alone

and here it is my world is ripped in one piece of paper
1.94 is the number to define me now
my dreams of the future slipping away
pulled away by a digit
my art school hopes are dashed

and here it is empty again
left alone and finally i am so hurt there is nothing
i can do but sit and die

and above all i ffeel like im losing him
my best friend and I miss him
i cant believe how hurt i feel
i wish he was with me
and i wish i wasnt hurt

Have you ever peeled a lemon like an orange
and dissected it piece by piece
and let the sour juice spread on your tongue
making your lips pucker

Have you ever licked the blunt edge of a knife
and thought what if it cuts my lips in lavish streaks
lending a hand in
tearing up my insides  

Have you ever snorted a line of pepper
just for the hell of it
to let it rip up my nose and sneeze until I cough up blood
I haven't...

I haven't sneezed since 1943

Like a wilted plant I was caught in a ceramic *** painted like a spider web
You were my love and the band of my existence
Saying that isn't enough when I mean to say you were a ballet dancer
and a poppy seed bagel and a brand new bottle of nail polish
a champion of industry and and unsharpened pencil

I have a picture we took together
its your blurry childhood hand snatching at the camera
I clicked the button and flash there it was
a stuck moment in time
a time of playful zoo days and class field trips

Together we were a couple of culture shock cuties and sadgirl themes
making a red wine grin

You were a love and You were my artist but your friend caught my eye

broken broken
no talk
slice speech
words done
end

chilly coldy cold
**** the slush on roadside drives
taste the dust of icey eyes
lips of frost and glacial heart
snowy life  
cold colder coldest
what the ****

every word
limited to complements and criticisms
but overwhelmingly i still love you
hand to god i cant help but live in your echo
i cant decide whether i like it
im hurt and consumed with you
--

--
hail mary bluebird
kissing your cross
and spitting on my grave
snorting coke off a jesus idol
a virginal harlett objectified by every onlooker  
twirling from beach to beach
an idle drifter living in someone elses moment
--

--
the girl i love is painting for me
when oh
when can you come back for me
and respond to my teary hello

and everyone i love gets a piece of me stretching me smaller and smaller until my love is wisps and dont have enough to knit myself a sock let alone a sweater but everyone in my life is warm and cozy swaddled in a mess of my knitted love

To see myself through anothers eyes
anothers diary entries about me
to hear that someone loves me deeply
but to feel so ******* alone
in every sense of the ******* word
all i want is to be wanted
to look in the mirror and see a lump of clay
fat thick and moldable but never quite fitting the way you want it
when i want to see a marble slab perfect and smooth rolled under
a perfectionists chisel
all i want is to be a first choice

i want to eat my arms
devour my legs
my heart
every bit of my body
so that i can be a morsel of my soul
so that i can be tiny
tiny
tiny tiny

it is the ides of march
and i might not be caesar but
i want to be stabbed

******* **** me
and bury me in a cerulean lake
alone and cold and kissed
saddened by the puckers of a watercolored paper
and emptied by a lovers hollow email
telling me goodbye