beads
of sweat
roll down her face
she wipes her forehead with the back of her hand

the heat
makes her heart flutter
not with delight
but with apprehension
with fear
more importantly
hostility

the anger
she possesses within herself
stays contained for so long
but is known to erupt
fury and vengeance
spite and wrath

directed at those
who have caused these feelings
endured by those
unfortunate bystanders in her path

the remorse
of hurting those
innocent beings which played no part in the dismay
in the desecration of her soul

the lack of regret
engulfs her
as she remembers that she too was just an inculpable bystander
but was soiled by the ignorance of others

and now
she drips
every pore in her body
her tears hot with turbulence
even her saliva tastes ferocious

alas
she dries the violence
she once again
suppresses the animosity

this however
wont be the last time

provokation is inevitable

So many small things occupy my mind

There are major revelations,
some minor hesitations and
some absolute truths
that just seem to get my back up
but only one truth.
It seems to circle around
and round
inside my tiny little brain
to come about to smack me
up the back of my head
trying to insinuate a sensibility
that I will always lack.

I heard the other day that you died.

It wasn't because fate intervened,

it wasn't the wrong place or wrong time...

You called the end to yourself...

The sadness I felt was not my pain at your demise
It was your pain, your ultimate decision
to decide that you were no longer worthy
to live, with a smile on your face, but with death
in your eyes.
You decided you could no longer live
beneath your disguise.

And we all thought it was ok that you went that way...

It was appropriate that you went out
in a blaze... be it of glory or opportunity
no matter how hard we tried to be disgusted
you, my friend, went your way.

So alright!

I know you didn't feel any pain
because you got what you wanted,
an end to the insurmountable mountains
less steps to climb, less breaths to take,
less mistakes to make, less truths to find

But tell me...

As you stand there in front of me, at the end of my bath
and watch me take the blade and make the cut,
do you laugh?
Do you mock me for my efforts to leave this world
of pain, do you pity me for my pretense or could you
sit for a moment and let me explain?

Could you sit for a moment and explain it to me?*

Because I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be there.
I don't think you are there,
to greet me
I don't think there would be anyone on the other side,
to meet me.
There would be no one to say
"Hey... welcome?"

There would be no looking beyond the scars,
there would be no hanging around the stars
shining brightly upon all that was left.
There would just be anger and unjustified angst
and a small amount of amusement, just enough
to leave the bereaved that little less bereft.

I think about you everyday, and the way you died
I think about it everyday and even though I tried
I've never been able to to be happy for you
because you were able to escape
I've always been angry with you
that you regretted all you gave
your wounds where so raw and your actions
never, ever seemed to take shape

I share your same helplessness but I can't cut
any deeper because I see your eyes in your
Son and Daughter

and in them I see you
in them I see Love
in them I see me
and what I can give

and I know that I can survive the pain
if I look into their eyes,
which beg me to live!

Sitting in bath water gone cold
like a body that has expelled a child
There is no life left in the womb
but the outer shell will live for a while

So, thank you for your visit
I'll be ok, *I'm alright
I'm stronger than emotions
that want to strangle me in the night

I know you died a painful death,
in the end you made it all wrong
please don't dance upon my empty grave
I think, just this one time
where you were weak
I'll be strong

I am thinking of the words I spoke, two simple words, "I would"
And how they changed the nature of our relationship
I never planned to tell you that I would, if you let me
In some parallel universe we are together

Under God we are not, you and I are aggregates
Of a whole compartment, known as the heart
There are moments, on rare occasions in the winter
When I regret the conversations we have had

I compose inside my head a simple thought or idea
That I 'think' is rooted from who you have shown me how to be
But the lover I hold now is quite the opposite of you
Sometimes I wonder if that is why I chose him

I want to escape you, go in the opposite direction of everything you are
Because I clung to you during the darkest time of my life
These words I type do not rhyme, do not hold a special pattern
But they hold the honest truth of what I would call my essence

I thought it was beautiful that you never showed your anger
Even when your parents threw you out on the street
So I learned to live at peace with myself in a world full of hatred
It seems no one else can understand this concept but us

There it goes again, that word, 'us'
We are not a pair, we are separate parts
But I am afraid I will never let go of those words, 'I would'
Does that perhaps translate my apprehension of the truth?

I am with someone else, and you occasionally make love to your ex-lover
Whom I would not be surprised if you ended up together with again
But I often jar the contemplation of that lateral cosmos
Where I wake up to you dawn after dawn

When on my bed the moonlight falls,
I know that in thy place of rest
By that broad water of the west,
There comes a glory on the walls:

Thy marble bright in dark appears,
As slowly steals a silver flame
Along the letters of thy name,
And o'er the number of thy years.

The mystic glory swims away;
From off my bed the moonlight dies;
And closing eaves of wearied eyes
I sleep till dusk is dipt in gray:

And then I know the mist is drawn
A lucid veil from coast to coast,
And in the dark church like a ghost
Thy tablet glimmers to the dawn.

i probably fell in love with you
the moment you asked if you could have
one of my menthol Marlboros
it's too bad
the closest i'll ever get to you was
the moment you lit your cigarette
off of mine, inches away
from my face
it's too bad
i wouldn't let you get closer
even if you tried
it's too bad
she gets to call you hers
it's too bad
i'll probably never see you again anyway.