I find the stillness of 3 am to be one of peace, and of unsettling.
Nothing moves
Nothing breathes
Everything is alive
But everything is still

My favorite part of the day is in the foggy parts of 6 am.
The time you wake up to get ready for work,
Put your jeans on, your socks, and your sweatshirt.
Then, you climb back into bed and wake me up a little bit more.
You wrap me up and hold me tight.
Then the alarm goes off at 6:30 and you put your shoes on and leave.
I go back to sleep and wake up later to get ready for class.
I will always love those bits of time between 6 and 6:30 am,
Because that is the time we share our unspoken love.

You are my best friend.
We laugh at our inside jokes,
Dance in the car,
Freak out about the classes we are taking together,
And are always here for eachother when things get hard.
We met not too long ago
But you are like my sister.
I feel so blessed to have friend like you.

Are you serious!?!
You have got to be joking...
You like me but you don't want to date because of a girl who has no regard for you?!?
You just broke my heart now you tell me you like me!??!
This is never going to end is it?

Tonight you left for work
And said
"I love you dear"
And in that moment,
I knew,
This was all I ever wanted

Because of what you did
Now I am a statistic.
Just another number.
I am now a survivor...
But this doesn't feel like I'm surviving.
This feels like I am drowning.

All that hard work.
Blocking out every
Memory....
All just went to waste.

I will not lose.
Not many women in my family have.
But you have always been there.
You almost took my grandmother's life.
Then, you tried to take my mother's.
You have touched every woman in my family.
I will not bow down to you.
I am a fighter.
You will not take my life.
I will come after you with a vengeance.
You
Will
Never
Win.

So can we now?
Can we cuddle up on the couch?
And just watch hours of BBC on Nexflix?
(Because we do that all the time anyway)
Can we lay in bed, yours or mine, for a whole day?
And talk about anything that comes to mind?
Can we hold hands?
And go ice skating in the park downtown?
I know I don't usually like that romantic stuff,
But I feel like it would be amazing.
Can I show you how happy you make me?
The fact that you can make me smile over things I used to cry about?
I can.
Well, I can now.
Too bad I am afraid to show you all this just yet.
One day I will.
And I think I will tell you that I love you on that day.
That day is so far away,
But,
I'm okay with that.

Today's cold is the kind of
Cold
That settles into your bones.
It's not so cold that it hurts,
But it sits in you
Like sadness
And the grey of the sky.

I am confused.
I want us.
Then again,
I don't.

I don't quite know
How to explain how I feel.
It is like a
Content Happiness.
I feel so alive yet so warm and sleepy in your arms.
I like this feeling.
And I don't intend on letting it go.

Love,

You make me want to make you beg.
For kisses
For air
For me

You make me want to lose myself, to lose

Control

But not yet love.

Falling tears have stained my cheeks. Makeup covers it up.
Bruises covered my body. Clothes covered those up.
Rumors have destroyed my image. A smile covers it up.
Hatred has grown where you were. Nothing covers that up

It's days like today that I enjoy the bitter taste of coffee.
It's raining and melancholy and I can't quite figure out how I feel...
Everything just seems more real.

I feel so empty now. I thought maybe if we did this again, it could go back to when we were so close to being an us. I do so want your affections it hurts me to know I was just inches away from having you...but I let you slip away like sand through my fingers. I thought if I gave you everything, you would just maybe want me too. That isn't the case though. You are just you, and I am just me.

I hide how I feel to everyone, even you. or at least i try to hide it from you. But you always know. Yet we still play this little game of cat and mouse where you ask and I try not to tell. See I can't really show how I  feel...I'm too busy being strong for everyone else.

I am just so frustrated!
How can you tell me how I feel!?
You have NO idea at all!!
Wanna know how I know?
Because I don't even know!

I can't help but
Smile.
Your icy blue eyes are all mine.
This is a realness
I have yet to feel.
I can be in your
arms
and no longer feel your guilt.
Because now,
you have no guilt to give.

Her is loud, demanding, and driven.
Her is logic and cold.
Her is what she needs to be to survive.
Because her is nothing but survival.

But she,
She is soft, kind, and quiet.
She is of dreams and desires.
Soft kisses on rainy days
And quiet contemplation winter nights.

Unlike her, she moves with the season and the ebb and flow of enegery.
Her only allows she out in the times of midnights without expectations.

So here we are yet again.
She is gone and I couldn't be happier.
Not because I want you,
But for the simple fact that you are done being
lied to
dragged alone
and used.
And being first in your book,
isn't bad either.

You gave me a little slice of hope.
I told you how I feel about you and you said the same.
Then you said you wanted to think about it.
That was three  days ago.
I understand you want time.
But this is one of those things that you cannot make the heart wait for.
I want to be with you,
Show you I am not like those other girls.
I know I have made mistakes.
I know I am not perfect.
But I want to show you.
This is killing me.
I have been going back and forth between being optimistic and just throwing everything I feel away.
I want to be with you like I have never wanted to be with anyone before.
I want that chance.
But right now,
I don't think you will give it to me.
But I still hold onto that little shred of hope I have left.

I just want to keep living my life the way I am.
I'm happy.
It may not be the best way to live.
I may not live the way some think I should,
But I feel so free.
I don't want to lose this feeling.

I can't wait until you get back.
I am brimming with joy.
I will never tell you though,
That I miss you.
Or that I hated waiting.
I will never tell you how truly hurt I was,
Or how much I wanted to take your pain away.
I will just smile when you get back,
Give you a hug and then we can move on with our day.

I could tell you how your smile stops me dead in my tracks.

Or how you laugh makes my heart sing.

How your eyes remind me of blue pools of light, shining in to the darkness.

But I won't.

Because these feelings I have are not for you yet.

I don't think you'll know what to do with them.

You hardly know how to be loved....

But

If you let me

I'll show you that you light up rooms, and buildings, and back alleys where we shouldn't be.
How you standing by me makes me feel like I have everything I'd ever need in this life.
That the feelings in my chest are begging to come out and explode into more than "I love you"

Because this is more than I love you

And I don't know how to tell you that yet.

I sometimes forget
that I am human.

I make mistakes
that can be undone.

I forget I am human
because I was raised
to be a robot.

Mistakes were mere
miscalculations, that
resulted in punishment.

I forget I am human
because being human
in my parent's eyes,
is nothing more
than a
miscalculation.

I think I am just done.
I can't be her.
I will never be her.
I never want to be her.
I want to be something.
But,
I don't that will ever happen.

I want to feel loved again.
I want that tight embrace,
The joyous looks,
The feeling that everything will be okay when you cuddle up with them.
But I guess I am broken.
I was broken, I didn't even get a say.
I want that feeling of pure love, no strings attached.
But hey, we all want something don't we?

My kisses probably have only ever tasted like
***,
whiskey,
or *****

Let me take away your pain,
Your hate,
Your confusion.
Let me take away your tears,
Your rage,
Your hurt.
Let me help you find you,
Your love,
Your compassion.
Will you let me help you find you?

Just let me show you that through all of the lying and rumors, I can break down these walls that will not let me love, and love you.

I tried to lie and say I didn't want you
How you'd never be interested in someone like me
That girls like me never get girls like you

Oh love I tried so hard to lie
To me
To you
To anyone who asked....

But my lies failed me
And they failed hard

Because you are the key to the cage
The whisper on the breeze
The whiskey on my lips

Everyone sees
And everyone knows
That I tried to lie my way out of loving you

And you tore my lie apart.

I don't know where to start,
Where to begin.
I am kind of lost,
But I have a map.
But,
I can't read it.
I have a light in the dark,
But I still can't see where I am going.
All I know is I am already in too deep to back out.
So there is nothing left for me to do.
Other than push on and find my way to an end.

Love is a weird thing to think about.
You can be in it,
You can be it,
It can be given to you,
You can give it.
But sometimes,
We don't know where we stand in it.

Love is like standing in the rain without and umbrella and wondering why you are getting wet.
Love is like playing in the snow and wondering why you are so cold.
Love is like that puddle you just stepped in, why did it have to be there?
Love is like finding money in your pocket.
Love is like a lot of things,
Yet,
Nothing is quite like love.

Sitting eyes closed, and you put makeup on the marks you left on my skin. Slightly funny how we have to cover up our affections.

We all wear masks to cover up our
Scars
The cracks we have
The scene we try to forget
But
Someone can see though our masks
And we can't control that

I am a mother bear.
You do not mess with the people I care deeply about.
               Because there are not many of them.
Do not step over the line.
I will tell you that you have gone too far.
Do not try and destroy the people I put up high.
Because if you do,
This mother bear will destroy you.

I am in love with music remixes
The beats are like my heart beat
Moving faster and fast until I think I am going to die
Then
At the last second
They drop
And I am sent into the deep whirlpool
Filled with all of my emotions

And just how you can pick out beats in a song
I can pick out heartbeats in my life

I have a long list of dreams.
I want to be a wife,
A mother,
I want to work my dream job.
I want to open up a bakery.
I want to have my big house with the white fence and the children running in the yard on a summer day.
I want that fairytail wedding.
I want to cuddle up with you and laugh around a bonfire with our friends.
I dream about the future and how happy I know I will be.
I dream of traveling around the world, and going to France.
I dream of you.
I just don't know who you are yet.

We slept together the other night.
Not in a ***** way, but slept like sleep.
You told me I could cuddle up with you.
I pounced on the opportunity.
I knew the second you wrapped me up in your arms, there was no hope for my poor soul.
I melted.
We cuddled all night, in one way or another.
I wanted nothing more than to stay that way with you forever.
Now that time has come to pass.
And I want more.
My heart has become hungry for it.

My major is business.
Human resources management.
If we are being technical.

But

I'm not fit for it.
I don't like the sterilized world I'm going to enter

I block it out.
Just attend classes.
Trying to reason with my soul.
That what I'm doing.

Isn't going to **** me.

Tonight you spoke of our future.
How it would be you with dice and me reading.
Two fat Tabby cats and some chickens.
And my heart was so full....
You joked about us being old spinsters
But honestly,
I couldn't think of anything I have ever wanted more.
I almost burst

Please just make this pain go away.
I have no idea what it is from
or why it is here.
But I hate it.
I hate you.
But I don't at the same time.
What is this emotion....
Whatever it is, I don't like it.

I like looking back on pictures.
They tell of things that happened.
But the one thing I like the most,
Pictures don't lie.
You can't hid you emotions in a picture.
And you can't like to the camera.

I look at everything put in front of me as a challenge to be overcome and destroyed.

I love standing in the rain.
Because when you are in the rain,
No one can tell if they are
Raindrops
or
Tears.

I have this
Feeling
It isn't
Bad
It isn't
Good
It just is
This place doesn't feel like home
This is not my space
My space has become
Within you
I have taken up
Residency
In your heart
And I don't plan on leaving