Why?
Why do I want you?
Why do I put myself through all of this?
Why do I like the quirky things you do?
Like the face you make when you are thinking.
Or when you make that heart-melting smile.
Or when you look at me with those fierce, ice blue eyes.
Why do I **** myself wanting you?
Why do I want you?
Why?

I love standing in the rain.
Because when you are in the rain,
No one can tell if they are
Raindrops
or
Tears.

All that hard work.
Blocking out every
Memory....
All just went to waste.

I am confused.
I want us.
Then again,
I don't.

I can't wait until you get back.
I am brimming with joy.
I will never tell you though,
That I miss you.
Or that I hated waiting.
I will never tell you how truly hurt I was,
Or how much I wanted to take your pain away.
I will just smile when you get back,
Give you a hug and then we can move on with our day.

You are cute.
Not the, "wow look at his abs" cute,
but the sweet cute.
You said I have a pretty face.
I just had to laugh.
You called me pretty lady too.
I smiled like a small child.
It was sweet.
Pure sweetness.
And,
Well,
We all know,
Sweetness is my weakness.

I have a long list of dreams.
I want to be a wife,
A mother,
I want to work my dream job.
I want to open up a bakery.
I want to have my big house with the white fence and the children running in the yard on a summer day.
I want that fairytail wedding.
I want to cuddle up with you and laugh around a bonfire with our friends.
I dream about the future and how happy I know I will be.
I dream of traveling around the world, and going to France.
I dream of you.
I just don't know who you are yet.

I am just so frustrated!
How can you tell me how I feel!?
You have NO idea at all!!
Wanna know how I know?
Because I don't even know!

I have always loved the sound of storms.
The pounding rain and theatrical booms of thunder always put me to sleep.
The violence of the storms somehow puts me at ease.
It is as though I am in the eye of a storm,
But nothing can touch me.

My best friend,
Well other than you,
Brought something to light to me the other day.
I have the story book relationship.
Well,
Kinda.
I am dating my best friend.
We have been though some things.
Things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
But now,
I have you.
And God am I lucky.
I am just having a hard time understanding.
I guess..
It is just weird to think about....

You gave me a little slice of hope.
I told you how I feel about you and you said the same.
Then you said you wanted to think about it.
That was three  days ago.
I understand you want time.
But this is one of those things that you cannot make the heart wait for.
I want to be with you,
Show you I am not like those other girls.
I know I have made mistakes.
I know I am not perfect.
But I want to show you.
This is killing me.
I have been going back and forth between being optimistic and just throwing everything I feel away.
I want to be with you like I have never wanted to be with anyone before.
I want that chance.
But right now,
I don't think you will give it to me.
But I still hold onto that little shred of hope I have left.

So can we now?
Can we cuddle up on the couch?
And just watch hours of BBC on Nexflix?
(Because we do that all the time anyway)
Can we lay in bed, yours or mine, for a whole day?
And talk about anything that comes to mind?
Can we hold hands?
And go ice skating in the park downtown?
I know I don't usually like that romantic stuff,
But I feel like it would be amazing.
Can I show you how happy you make me?
The fact that you can make me smile over things I used to cry about?
I can.
Well, I can now.
Too bad I am afraid to show you all this just yet.
One day I will.
And I think I will tell you that I love you on that day.
That day is so far away,
But,
I'm okay with that.

On the outside
I look happy
As can be.
But you know
What is sad?
No one knows
How deeply you
Have hurt me.
I would have
Loved you.....without
Reservation

You say you hate
Liers.
You say you hate
Two-faced people.
You say you want
Truth.
But to get
Truth,
You have to stop
Lying first.

I am a sucker for:
The sweet boy
The loyal boy
The boy in uniform
The boy who can talk to me
The boy who treats me well
The boy who is ready to be a man
But really,
I'm just a sucker for you.

I will not lose.
Not many women in my family have.
But you have always been there.
You almost took my grandmother's life.
Then, you tried to take my mother's.
You have touched every woman in my family.
I will not bow down to you.
I am a fighter.
You will not take my life.
I will come after you with a vengeance.
You
Will
Never
Win.

I don't feel empty anymore.
Nothing has changed between us.
But there someone new.
He is sweet
nice
and sees past the fact that I look like I rolled out of bed just 10 minutes before.
I should have never started anything.
But now,
I may have someone to love.

I have a tattoo.
I am going to get another one.
I don't do drugs.
I don't drink.
I have never been in trouble with the law.
Just because I have pictures on my skin doesn't mean I am a bad person.
I want to be a wife one day.
And maybe a mother.
Just because I have tattoos,
Does not mean I am going to hurt you.
I am just like you.
I just remember things differently.

I hide how I feel to everyone, even you. or at least i try to hide it from you. But you always know. Yet we still play this little game of cat and mouse where you ask and I try not to tell. See I can't really show how I  feel...I'm too busy being strong for everyone else.

I want to get on a boat and sail away.
Far, far from the shores that are binding me here.
Being at the winds mercy blowing where it may.
I want to leave because of what happened dear.
I do not hold a grudge against you though.
I could, and for myself, I probably should.
Alas I do not, and this you should know.
I almost loved you, you were my Robin Hood.
But now you are nothing but a person to me.
Just another ripple in my sea of dreams.
You lied, and used me, this you can agree.
Now thoughts of you just blend with the streams.
I want to get on a boat and sail away.
Being at the winds mercy, blowing where they may.

Because of what you did
Now I am a statistic.
Just another number.
I am now a survivor...
But this doesn't feel like I'm surviving.
This feels like I am drowning.

We slept together the other night.
Not in a ***** way, but slept like sleep.
You told me I could cuddle up with you.
I pounced on the opportunity.
I knew the second you wrapped me up in your arms, there was no hope for my poor soul.
I melted.
We cuddled all night, in one way or another.
I wanted nothing more than to stay that way with you forever.
Now that time has come to pass.
And I want more.
My heart has become hungry for it.

I can't help but
Smile.
Your icy blue eyes are all mine.
This is a realness
I have yet to feel.
I can be in your
arms
and no longer feel your guilt.
Because now,
you have no guilt to give.

I sometimes forget
that I am human.

I make mistakes
that can be undone.

I forget I am human
because I was raised
to be a robot.

Mistakes were mere
miscalculations, that
resulted in punishment.

I forget I am human
because being human
in my parent's eyes,
is nothing more
than a
miscalculation.

You are my best friend.
We laugh at our inside jokes,
Dance in the car,
Freak out about the classes we are taking together,
And are always here for eachother when things get hard.
We met not too long ago
But you are like my sister.
I feel so blessed to have friend like you.

I miss you so much it hurts and I want to cry, and you know I don't cry, ever. I miss our friendship, how we used to laugh and goof around. How we smiled when we started dating. I loved knowing I was the reason for the smile on your face, it made me feel amazing. When we broke up, it was hard, on both of us. Then you told me that you wanted to marry me, you were so close to getting a ring. You said you knew the second we started dating, you wanted me all to yourself forever, you want to be my one and only. Then you hurt me, you took everything away from me. You forced yourself on me and you broke everything that I was. I don't miss you I now realize, I miss what we had, what we represented, true friendship, true love, true trust.....too bad you did what you did....I was going to say yes....

You were my best friend. The first person I ever let get close to me.
You and I were closer than any boyfriend I ever had. Even the one I was going to marry.
But,
Today, you broke me.
You made me drive you away.
You were right. I cut off the people I get close to.
I wanted to badly to keep you around.
But you started manipulating me again. Started to push the buttons you know not to push.
I told you to stop. I was almost pleading with you.
I want my best friend back. But not anymore.
I can't do it.

I want to feel loved again.
I want that tight embrace,
The joyous looks,
The feeling that everything will be okay when you cuddle up with them.
But I guess I am broken.
I was broken, I didn't even get a say.
I want that feeling of pure love, no strings attached.
But hey, we all want something don't we?

Falling tears have stained my cheeks. Makeup covers it up.
Bruises covered my body. Clothes covered those up.
Rumors have destroyed my image. A smile covers it up.
Hatred has grown where you were. Nothing covers that up

Just let me show you that through all of the lying and rumors, I can break down these walls that will not let me love, and love you.

But, then there he is.
Someone new.
Someone that I think will treat me like a
Queen.
He is respectful in a simple way.
Never getting loud,
Never pressuring me into anything,
Wanting to legitimately be there for me.
So why am I having a hard time deciding what I want?

I knew I shouldn't have let myself be optimistic.
And now you told me.
You don't feel the same.
I say it doesn't hurt,
But deep down,
You have just killed me.
I want to cry.
I want to be held.
I want you to leave so I can heal....
But we both know that will never happen...
I have the luxury of time as you say,
but now all this time,
is just more time for me to mourn.

My favorite part of the day is in the foggy parts of 6 am.
The time you wake up to get ready for work,
Put your jeans on, your socks, and your sweatshirt.
Then, you climb back into bed and wake me up a little bit more.
You wrap me up and hold me tight.
Then the alarm goes off at 6:30 and you put your shoes on and leave.
I go back to sleep and wake up later to get ready for class.
I will always love those bits of time between 6 and 6:30 am,
Because that is the time we share our unspoken love.

My words come pouring out of my mouth so fast I cannot stop them.
I want them to stop though....
because...
They are telling you the things that I don't wish for you to know.
Then, after my mouth has let these words slip by,
there is silence.
And now my heart hurts.
It literally hurts for my heart to keep me living.
I wish my mouth could have kept the words my heart wanted to say silent.

You wrote things on social media.
Okay, like that is anything new.
But you wrote them about me.
Again, nothing new.
But I saw them.
And you know what they did?
They just made me remember things I tried so hard to block out.
Yeah, so thanks.
Because I just relapsed,
Right back into be afraid again.
Some protector you turned out to be.

I look at everything put in front of me as a challenge to be overcome and destroyed.

I don't quite know
How to explain how I feel.
It is like a
Content Happiness.
I feel so alive yet so warm and sleepy in your arms.
I like this feeling.
And I don't intend on letting it go.

I am a mother bear.
You do not mess with the people I care deeply about.
               Because there are not many of them.
Do not step over the line.
I will tell you that you have gone too far.
Do not try and destroy the people I put up high.
Because if you do,
This mother bear will destroy you.

Please, I'm begging you, just let me lay in your arms tonight. Act like you love me even though i know you never will. I feel like this void that is where my heart is supposed to be is getting bigger. So please, I'm begging you, please, just hold me tonight.

Love is like standing in the rain without and umbrella and wondering why you are getting wet.
Love is like playing in the snow and wondering why you are so cold.
Love is like that puddle you just stepped in, why did it have to be there?
Love is like finding money in your pocket.
Love is like a lot of things,
Yet,
Nothing is quite like love.

I don't care what you say.
I really don't.
I just want this.
I don't know why.
I can't give you a logical reason.
All I can give you is my heart.
And hope you don't break it.

I like looking back on pictures.
They tell of things that happened.
But the one thing I like the most,
Pictures don't lie.
You can't hid you emotions in a picture.
And you can't like to the camera.

Let me take away your pain,
Your hate,
Your confusion.
Let me take away your tears,
Your rage,
Your hurt.
Let me help you find you,
Your love,
Your compassion.
Will you let me help you find you?

I find the stillness of 3 am to be one of peace, and of unsettling.
Nothing moves
Nothing breathes
Everything is alive
But everything is still

Please just make this pain go away.
I have no idea what it is from
or why it is here.
But I hate it.
I hate you.
But I don't at the same time.
What is this emotion....
Whatever it is, I don't like it.

I cannot keep spilling my heart out to you like this.
It hurts.
And you just laugh.
You already know I want to be with you.
Stop playing with me and give me an answer.
Do you want to be with me too?

My major is business.
Human resources management.
If we are being technical.

But

I'm not fit for it.
I don't like the sterilized world I'm going to enter

I block it out.
Just attend classes.
Trying to reason with my soul.
That what I'm doing.

Isn't going to **** me.

I need to cut myself off from you..
But you,
You,
Have become an addiction.
And I don't know if I am strong enough to break it.

I am in love with music remixes
The beats are like my heart beat
Moving faster and fast until I think I am going to die
Then
At the last second
They drop
And I am sent into the deep whirlpool
Filled with all of my emotions

And just how you can pick out beats in a song
I can pick out heartbeats in my life

It's days like today that I enjoy the bitter taste of coffee.
It's raining and melancholy and I can't quite figure out how I feel...
Everything just seems more real.