Today's cold is the kind of
Cold
That settles into your bones.
It's not so cold that it hurts,
But it sits in you
Like sadness
And the grey of the sky.

They say you have found
L O V E
When you find someone to
C O M P L E T E
you

When that someone
F I L L S
in the
C R A C K S
left by those before them

This person is your
O T H E R
half, as if you aren't
W H O L E

But what happens when two whole people fall in love?

I have this
Feeling
It isn't
Bad
It isn't
Good
It just is
This place doesn't feel like home
This is not my space
My space has become
Within you
I have taken up
Residency
In your heart
And I don't plan on leaving

There are things you don't think to do for yourself
Like pick up your towels
Or close the bottle of pain killers
Like take time away
Or reset after a lot of stress
But I want to be the one to do those things for you
But I almost feel like I don't know how.

I have been told
I have a devious
Smirk

That it gives away
My ill intentions

My smirk is nothing more
Than the
Thoughts
I have

When you have no idea what I'm thinking

Tonight you spoke of our future.
How it would be you with dice and me reading.
Two fat Tabby cats and some chickens.
And my heart was so full....
You joked about us being old spinsters
But honestly,
I couldn't think of anything I have ever wanted more.
I almost burst

Sitting eyes closed, and you put makeup on the marks you left on my skin. Slightly funny how we have to cover up our affections.

Tonight you left for work
And said
"I love you dear"
And in that moment,
I knew,
This was all I ever wanted

I tried to lie and say I didn't want you
How you'd never be interested in someone like me
That girls like me never get girls like you

Oh love I tried so hard to lie
To me
To you
To anyone who asked....

But my lies failed me
And they failed hard

Because you are the key to the cage
The whisper on the breeze
The whiskey on my lips

Everyone sees
And everyone knows
That I tried to lie my way out of loving you

And you tore my lie apart.

Her is loud, demanding, and driven.
Her is logic and cold.
Her is what she needs to be to survive.
Because her is nothing but survival.

But she,
She is soft, kind, and quiet.
She is of dreams and desires.
Soft kisses on rainy days
And quiet contemplation winter nights.

Unlike her, she moves with the season and the ebb and flow of enegery.
Her only allows she out in the times of midnights without expectations.

I could tell you how your smile stops me dead in my tracks.

Or how you laugh makes my heart sing.

How your eyes remind me of blue pools of light, shining in to the darkness.

But I won't.

Because these feelings I have are not for you yet.

I don't think you'll know what to do with them.

You hardly know how to be loved....

But

If you let me

I'll show you that you light up rooms, and buildings, and back alleys where we shouldn't be.
How you standing by me makes me feel like I have everything I'd ever need in this life.
That the feelings in my chest are begging to come out and explode into more than "I love you"

Because this is more than I love you

And I don't know how to tell you that yet.

My kisses probably have only ever tasted like
***,
whiskey,
or *****

Love,

You make me want to make you beg.
For kisses
For air
For me

You make me want to lose myself, to lose

Control

But not yet love.

I sometimes forget
that I am human.

I make mistakes
that can be undone.

I forget I am human
because I was raised
to be a robot.

Mistakes were mere
miscalculations, that
resulted in punishment.

I forget I am human
because being human
in my parent's eyes,
is nothing more
than a
miscalculation.

I find the stillness of 3 am to be one of peace, and of unsettling.
Nothing moves
Nothing breathes
Everything is alive
But everything is still

We all wear masks to cover up our
Scars
The cracks we have
The scene we try to forget
But
Someone can see though our masks
And we can't control that

I am in love with music remixes
The beats are like my heart beat
Moving faster and fast until I think I am going to die
Then
At the last second
They drop
And I am sent into the deep whirlpool
Filled with all of my emotions

And just how you can pick out beats in a song
I can pick out heartbeats in my life

My major is business.
Human resources management.
If we are being technical.

But

I'm not fit for it.
I don't like the sterilized world I'm going to enter

I block it out.
Just attend classes.
Trying to reason with my soul.
That what I'm doing.

Isn't going to **** me.

I sometimes think of the flow

That seems to be everywhere

How the energy I feel

Comes from people

Who have no idea

How powerful they are

My favorite part of the day is in the foggy parts of 6 am.
The time you wake up to get ready for work,
Put your jeans on, your socks, and your sweatshirt.
Then, you climb back into bed and wake me up a little bit more.
You wrap me up and hold me tight.
Then the alarm goes off at 6:30 and you put your shoes on and leave.
I go back to sleep and wake up later to get ready for class.
I will always love those bits of time between 6 and 6:30 am,
Because that is the time we share our unspoken love.

It's days like today that I enjoy the bitter taste of coffee.
It's raining and melancholy and I can't quite figure out how I feel...
Everything just seems more real.

I don't know where to start,
Where to begin.
I am kind of lost,
But I have a map.
But,
I can't read it.
I have a light in the dark,
But I still can't see where I am going.
All I know is I am already in too deep to back out.
So there is nothing left for me to do.
Other than push on and find my way to an end.

This is it.
I'm done.
I refuse to live my life in fear of anything or anyone.
I will not cower in the dark corners of life and watch everything go by me.
So I challenge you Life,
Give my your worst.

Falling tears have stained my cheeks. Makeup covers it up.
Bruises covered my body. Clothes covered those up.
Rumors have destroyed my image. A smile covers it up.
Hatred has grown where you were. Nothing covers that up

So can we now?
Can we cuddle up on the couch?
And just watch hours of BBC on Nexflix?
(Because we do that all the time anyway)
Can we lay in bed, yours or mine, for a whole day?
And talk about anything that comes to mind?
Can we hold hands?
And go ice skating in the park downtown?
I know I don't usually like that romantic stuff,
But I feel like it would be amazing.
Can I show you how happy you make me?
The fact that you can make me smile over things I used to cry about?
I can.
Well, I can now.
Too bad I am afraid to show you all this just yet.
One day I will.
And I think I will tell you that I love you on that day.
That day is so far away,
But,
I'm okay with that.

My best friend,
Well other than you,
Brought something to light to me the other day.
I have the story book relationship.
Well,
Kinda.
I am dating my best friend.
We have been though some things.
Things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
But now,
I have you.
And God am I lucky.
I am just having a hard time understanding.
I guess..
It is just weird to think about....

I like looking back on pictures.
They tell of things that happened.
But the one thing I like the most,
Pictures don't lie.
You can't hid you emotions in a picture.
And you can't like to the camera.

Let me take away your pain,
Your hate,
Your confusion.
Let me take away your tears,
Your rage,
Your hurt.
Let me help you find you,
Your love,
Your compassion.
Will you let me help you find you?

Love is like standing in the rain without and umbrella and wondering why you are getting wet.
Love is like playing in the snow and wondering why you are so cold.
Love is like that puddle you just stepped in, why did it have to be there?
Love is like finding money in your pocket.
Love is like a lot of things,
Yet,
Nothing is quite like love.

I can't wait until you get back.
I am brimming with joy.
I will never tell you though,
That I miss you.
Or that I hated waiting.
I will never tell you how truly hurt I was,
Or how much I wanted to take your pain away.
I will just smile when you get back,
Give you a hug and then we can move on with our day.

I can't help but
Smile.
Your icy blue eyes are all mine.
This is a realness
I have yet to feel.
I can be in your
arms
and no longer feel your guilt.
Because now,
you have no guilt to give.

So here we are yet again.
She is gone and I couldn't be happier.
Not because I want you,
But for the simple fact that you are done being
lied to
dragged alone
and used.
And being first in your book,
isn't bad either.

Love is a weird thing to think about.
You can be in it,
You can be it,
It can be given to you,
You can give it.
But sometimes,
We don't know where we stand in it.

I want to feel loved again.
I want that tight embrace,
The joyous looks,
The feeling that everything will be okay when you cuddle up with them.
But I guess I am broken.
I was broken, I didn't even get a say.
I want that feeling of pure love, no strings attached.
But hey, we all want something don't we?

All that hard work.
Blocking out every
Memory....
All just went to waste.

You wrote things on social media.
Okay, like that is anything new.
But you wrote them about me.
Again, nothing new.
But I saw them.
And you know what they did?
They just made me remember things I tried so hard to block out.
Yeah, so thanks.
Because I just relapsed,
Right back into be afraid again.
Some protector you turned out to be.

I don't quite know
How to explain how I feel.
It is like a
Content Happiness.
I feel so alive yet so warm and sleepy in your arms.
I like this feeling.
And I don't intend on letting it go.

Because of what you did
Now I am a statistic.
Just another number.
I am now a survivor...
But this doesn't feel like I'm surviving.
This feels like I am drowning.

I miss you so much it hurts and I want to cry, and you know I don't cry, ever. I miss our friendship, how we used to laugh and goof around. How we smiled when we started dating. I loved knowing I was the reason for the smile on your face, it made me feel amazing. When we broke up, it was hard, on both of us. Then you told me that you wanted to marry me, you were so close to getting a ring. You said you knew the second we started dating, you wanted me all to yourself forever, you want to be my one and only. Then you hurt me, you took everything away from me. You forced yourself on me and you broke everything that I was. I don't miss you I now realize, I miss what we had, what we represented, true friendship, true love, true trust.....too bad you did what you did....I was going to say yes....

I have a long list of dreams.
I want to be a wife,
A mother,
I want to work my dream job.
I want to open up a bakery.
I want to have my big house with the white fence and the children running in the yard on a summer day.
I want that fairytail wedding.
I want to cuddle up with you and laugh around a bonfire with our friends.
I dream about the future and how happy I know I will be.
I dream of traveling around the world, and going to France.
I dream of you.
I just don't know who you are yet.

I love standing in the rain.
Because when you are in the rain,
No one can tell if they are
Raindrops
or
Tears.

I have always loved the sound of storms.
The pounding rain and theatrical booms of thunder always put me to sleep.
The violence of the storms somehow puts me at ease.
It is as though I am in the eye of a storm,
But nothing can touch me.

Are you serious!?!
You have got to be joking...
You like me but you don't want to date because of a girl who has no regard for you?!?
You just broke my heart now you tell me you like me!??!
This is never going to end is it?

Please just make this pain go away.
I have no idea what it is from
or why it is here.
But I hate it.
I hate you.
But I don't at the same time.
What is this emotion....
Whatever it is, I don't like it.

I knew I shouldn't have let myself be optimistic.
And now you told me.
You don't feel the same.
I say it doesn't hurt,
But deep down,
You have just killed me.
I want to cry.
I want to be held.
I want you to leave so I can heal....
But we both know that will never happen...
I have the luxury of time as you say,
but now all this time,
is just more time for me to mourn.

I think I am just done.
I can't be her.
I will never be her.
I never want to be her.
I want to be something.
But,
I don't that will ever happen.

My words come pouring out of my mouth so fast I cannot stop them.
I want them to stop though....
because...
They are telling you the things that I don't wish for you to know.
Then, after my mouth has let these words slip by,
there is silence.
And now my heart hurts.
It literally hurts for my heart to keep me living.
I wish my mouth could have kept the words my heart wanted to say silent.

I cannot keep spilling my heart out to you like this.
It hurts.
And you just laugh.
You already know I want to be with you.
Stop playing with me and give me an answer.
Do you want to be with me too?

I have a tattoo.
I am going to get another one.
I don't do drugs.
I don't drink.
I have never been in trouble with the law.
Just because I have pictures on my skin doesn't mean I am a bad person.
I want to be a wife one day.
And maybe a mother.
Just because I have tattoos,
Does not mean I am going to hurt you.
I am just like you.
I just remember things differently.