It is indeed a **** or be killed world.
and i for one.
am tired of being slaughtered.

I fear i do not see the point of going on.
The once cheerful meadow i had named my outlook on life.
With blue clear skies and golden beams of sunlight.
Have become nothing more than a graveyard of hopes.
With the ghost of my dreams rotting in their caskets.
I do not feel that i belong in this time and in this place.
In fact i feel i don't belong at all.
Anywhere.
I long for things well outside my grasp.
I mourn my happiness every night.
How i wish to fly.
I would fly away from this horrid place.
I would find a place where I'd belong.
If only.

I am trapped.
Inside a body that is 2 sizes too small for my soul.
It constricts me in such a way that breathing is nearly impossible.
I wish my skin could tear.
I wish it were made of something as delicate as rose petals.
For when i look in the mirror.
I find the person staring back at me a complete stranger.
I believe god has made a mistake.
I believe he bottles my soul up in the wrong vessel.
Because this body.
Although i admire its pretty face and nice shape.
Does indeed.
Belong to someone else entirely.

Not even reality can hold me
Gravity cannot stop my thoughts from floating elsewhere
Laws of physics do not apply to my dreams
Order is transformed into chaos
And the line between sanity and insanity
Blur

Depression is not a personality trait
Not being able to get out of bed is not quirky
Cutting off all your friends because you think they hate you is not fun
Wanting to. Succeed but not having the motivation is not #lazylife
Drug addicitons and cutting do not make you a beautiful disaster
And faking depression because you think it's romantic or edgy is disgusting
Thanks for coming to my ted-talk

I long for soft breezes and golden sunlight
Eating lunch perched on a tree branch
Running barefoot through meadows of fragrant wildflowers
Instead
I am sitting in a classroom
Listening to the sound of the ancient a\c hum
Under the fluorescent lights that cause headache behind my eyes
Watching the people around me go on about their lives
Because their content
I am not

I fell in love with life
And it broke my heart

I sleep on white fluffy blankets
And order starbucks without much worry
I wear nike shoes
And expensive jewlery
Yet everytime I look in the mirror I see little me
The one that slept on hardwood floors
And ate canned corn almost everyday
The one who didnt know how to wash her clothes and so instead wore them to school ***** and smelly
The one that stared at expensive jewelry from afar wishing it were mine
And so I feel like an imposter
A liar
At my university
of silver spooned baby's

I hate college
I hate my classmates
I hate my classes
I hate my extracurriculars
I hate my teachers
Why am I still here?
Because society tells me as a black female from a poor family im lucky to be here
The thing is though
I don't feel lucky
I feel trapped

I wish you could truly love me
I dont want to be your play thing forever
I want what I cant have
I want to be your equal
But instead im just your toy
Undeserving of any love except what you decide to give me
Waiting patiently for when you decide to pick me up and play with me again
I don't know what I'll do
When the day you outgrow dolls finally comes

I dont think we poets try to be deep
We don't try to make nothing out of something
We dont try to be dramatic for no reason
We just want to explore the beauty and heartbreak of life
I guess
In a world that forgot its ok to be human
We try to remember

Id rather never loved
Than loved and lost
Not because I hate love
But because ignorance is truly bliss
And you cant suffer from a broken heart
If you never had a heart to begin with

Nothing's sadder than scrolling down your friend list
Looking through your contacts
And sitting around your friends
And realizing
These people dont care about you
These people dont love you
Your bond is as artificial
As splenda

After a storm comes a rainbow they say
But the storm ripped the roof off my house
The storm drowned my entire family
The storm left me with nothing
And so now
The rainbow dosent mean that much

If I were to be completely honest
I dont tell the people in my life about my poetry
I guess it's much easier to take criticism from strangers

I dream of pricking my thumb upon a star
Of dancing with faeries in forest
Of flying among the birds and clouds
However
only when I tell people I want to live happy and free forever
That I want a truly deep and wonderful love that will last forever
Do they tell me that now
I am truly dreaming

I like to think pretty girls are the luckiest
Because everyone notices them
But perhaps its me who is lucky
For not a soul notices me
And what's luckier then having the power
Of invisibility

I look back at my poetry
The ones about sunshine
Strawberrys
And fresh breezes
To remind myself
That at some point
I was truly happy

My voice seems
Perpetually
Forever
Lost
Among the chorus
Because no one can hear just one voice
My voice
When everyone is screaming too

I used to long independence and responsibly
I wanted to be an adult and go to college and do what I wanted
Now I long freedom
I long the carefree idiocy
The childhood that was like one long daydream
I guess I just never realized
The two were mutually exclusive

Never work at McDonald's
Or you'll come home every night smelling of grease
Never work at McDonald's
Or you'll fall in love with your manager
The one with 3 kids and a wife
Never work at McDonald's
Or you'll get yelled at for things out of your control
Never work at McDonald's
Unless you are ready to put you job above your education
Never work at McDonald's
Just dont

There's are things
Things not even the smartest man can explain
Things that you'd have to see to believe
Things that go against every law of nature is humans have laid down
These things are indeed
Magical

There's fairy's in my blood
In the way I feel things
Like the sunlight dancing on my skin
Or the smell of morning dew on fresh grass
The way a bee lands on a flower just right
And the stream water passing through my fingers
Like time

There's humans in my brain
As the shadows creep into the darkest corners of my mind at night
As the hopeless state of the world surrounds me
As the thought of becoming a adult with a dead spirit frightens me
The thought that one day I'll give up poetry and art and dancing in the shower and take up something more reasonable
Like stocks and bonds

My fairy spirit cannot survive in this human world
But I cannot hear this world without my spirit
Whatever shall I do

Remember they say
As they puff on their cigarettes
Sending black smoke from their lips
Into the blue sky
Remember they say
Smoking kills

it's the last 10 minutes
of my last year
in high school
my heart feels like it's about to explode
I am not the same
the starry-eyed hopeless romantic
14 year old
that explored these halls for the first time
the smell of coffee and perfume
became my home
the teachers and students
my family
I will always wear the color purple with pride
I feel as if I'm on the last page
of a book I really liked
sad, that the memories passed
oh so fast
but excited
to start a new book
with new characters
new settings
and a whole new plot

so many words
I've written in my journal
so many
typed on this site
so many
spoken to my peers
so many
sung to my cat
so ******* many
screamed at my mirror
and yet
there are so many
left unspoken

when I was younger
I would run down
the grassy hill behind the school
I would close my eyes
and pretend
to be someone else
somewhere else
my troubles
would float away
and tangle with the leaves
my fears
would evaporate
in the warm sunlight
so imagine my disappointment
when I opened my eyes
and found myself at the bottom of the hill

the problem with growing up reading books
is that you seem to absorb the characters
and having so much different people inside you
makes you unsure of who you are
sometimes I am Bella Swan
or massie block
or Cathy Dollenganger
or Juliet Capulet
or huckleberry fin
somedays I fall in love with everything
then some I don't have time for it
sometimes I want to be feminine
others I rather just wear all black
is that ok
to be more than one person
is it ok
to always be unsure of who you are

I cried in the school bathroom today
it was during 2nd period which I happen to love
I've never done that before
that's another first you've given me
heartbreaker
I've had many first these past few days
first, time getting cheated on
first time feeling my heart ache for someone
who didn't think twice about hurting me
first time I've had to look at your hands
and know that they've been touching someone else
yes I do believe this is my first heartbreak
thank you
heartbreaker

I wonder if you really know
what you've done
I gave you my heart
my trust
my time
and like a spoiled child
it wasn't enough
I wonder if
that one night
was worth our 2years
I try to say
it's not as bad as it is
that you never understood me anyway
that I needed something new anyway
but It doesn't help
all I can do
is move on

I was listening
to clair de lune
walking to class
there you were under the tree
with the little white petals
that forever seems to be falling to the ground
you were leaning on the tree
and looking around
that moment
that one breathe taking a moment
makes me want you even more
you looked so
radiant
otherworldly
ethereal
*sigh

i cant relate
to the people around me
who dont care about anything
unless it's about them
I often find myself
angry over things
that happen halfway across the country
I want to shake my friends
and scream
why don't you care?
don't you care about other people
I want to scream to the adults
how can you let this happen
and not give it a second thought
don't you realize
thoughts and prayers
do nothing
the very people
who are supposed to protect us
do not care enough
to do anything

I crave life
I crave life like a child craves their mother
I want so much
I want to experience everything
I want to feel every feeling
I want to walk in golden sunlight
and drink from fresh springs
I want to dance naked in the forest
I want to fall in love
I want to have my heart broken
I want to stay awake for 3 days straight
I want to walk the edge of a cliff
and fall
my heart longs
to be free and wild
but grounded and in control
it swells in my chest
until i cant think
of nothing else
but escape

I think I'm in love
but there's a problem
shes a girl
and so am i
I would be the last person
you'd expect
but I wish to kiss her lips
I wish to trail my finger along her jaw
and more
so much more
I wish to run my hands through her hair
and to press her body against a locker
I wish for soft whispers
warm hands
i wish

I wish someone would read my words
not just read them
but feel them
I wish my words would lift
their soul in ways that
they cannot understand
I wish my words
sent others to different worlds
I wish my words
could transform you
into different people
I wish my words
would give you my experiences
my heartbreak
mistakes
happiness

I will go to college this fall
I will be the first one to ever do it
and by first I really do mean
first
I'm nervous and excited
to have a dorm
and make friends
fall in and out of love
study
I still haven't found myself
I'm hoping
that by the end of my 4 years
I'll have figured out

poems
do not have to rhyme
in fact
the best ones
often do not

you dont like poetry
especially mine
why cant you understand
that every word is not exaggerated
but it is exactly what I think
just covered in silk robes
and crowned with flower petals
why can't you understand
that I dream of
green forest
and crystal clear oceans
that I am not trying to be edgy
I'm just trying to understand
myself

dont you want to be beautiful
unnaturally beautiful
so beautiful
you seem to float
an angel
I wish I was beautiful
the kind where I'm unaware
unaware that everyone has fallen in love with me
but I know
that I am not
because I watched you
as you watched her
and
you
never
even
notices

I don't love you
but
I don't have the heart
to tell you that
I never do
so instead I wait
and hope
that every argument
every kiss
every hug
will be the last

why do
my shorter poems
get more attention
then my long ones
I think
you
are
all
just
a
bit
l a z y
(it's ok though because so am i)

you have talons attached to your hands
has anyone ever told you?
you tear the flesh from my dreams
leaving behind nothing but a dead carcass
you have knives for words
Do you know?
every word is a searing slice
your aura is a black hole
cant you tell?
the way it ***** in the light that is my happiness
and diminishes it into nothing within seconds

to be young
and free
what I would give
I am already young
I've heard 18
is a such a tender age
I've heard
that it's ok
to fall in love
with everything
to stay out at night
to watch the sunrise
what a beautiful philosophy
if only I was free
but I am not
the chains that hold me
are too strong

I want
to wear white flowing dresses
and crowns of flowers
as I float through a beautiful
meadow
I want you to see me
and sigh to yourself
how ethereal
I want
to wear a black leather jacket
and ripped jeans
I want to ride around
on a roaring motorcycle
through the streets
of a busy city
I want
to wear big glasses
and Dutch braids
sitting in a cofee shop
reading a book of poetry
or a classic novel
I want you to glance
at me through the dusty window
and fall in love
I want
to wear messy buns
and bright clothing
and blue overalls
forver stained with
acylic paint
I want my smile
and chirpy voice
to brighten someone's day
but I am
wearing blue flannel
gazing out my classroom window
messy hair
chewed sleeves
writing about the lives
that could only belong
to characters
in a story

we are liars
we are lovers
we are adventures
we are books
with millions of stories inside
we are fighters
we are criers
we are mistakes
things that weren't
suppose to happen
we are watchers
we are waiters
we are hunters
in a great jungle
we are murders
we are witnesses
we are martyrs
standing up
for what we believe in
we are smart
we are young
we are human
that, we are

you're almost as hollow
as the water bottle beside you
so hollow in fact
that when someone whispers something in your ear
it bounces off your insides
and back outside your mouth
your rumors
are never true
rumors aren't supposed to have
a fiction section you know
I know things about you
things no one else does
but I won't tell
because if I did
me and you
wouldn't be any different

as I am sitting in class
ignoring my teacher
pretending to do my work
I notice
80 percent of my class is white
90 percent is male
no wonder
when my teacher asks us
to choose sides
during certain topics
I am often alone
in my opinions

all I wanted
was to try on dresses
for prom
but the old man
whose eyes were constantly on my breast
made me pack my things
and leave hours early

all I wanted
was to study for my test
but the senior in my class
couldn't take no for an answer
even after I said it
50 times

all I wanted
was to wear a tank top
in the 90 degrees weather
but my mother handed me a shawl
because to her
i looked like a *****

all I wanted
was to find my favorite candy
grab a soda
and go
I didn't want to feel the hand brush
my ****
as a man squeezed by
in the spacious
empty
aisle

all I wanted
was for you to love me
or at least like me
but after fnding out
I wasn't going to hang out with you
alone
you decided
to talk to serena
instead

all I wanted
was to wear shorts
but I won't
I don't want anyone to think
im asking for it
I don't want the stares
so I put on jeans
and sweat it out

!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!!

I think it's stupid
to say suicide is selfish
I know there are much more fancy words
i could've said
but in reality
its
stupid
to tell a person
who hated themselves
a person
who felt the world would be better
if they were a gone
a person
who looked in the mirror
and decided maybe
things would be better
for everyone
if they were dead
how can you look at
such a broken person
and call them selfish?
how can you tell them
their ultimate sacrifice
is selfish
their way of thinking
their actions
maybe
misguided
untrue
wrong
but never
was their choice to try and take their own life
selfish