I see them laughing at me,
the kids at school.
they ask a lot of weird questions,
like why do I look the way I look,
or walk the way I walk.
Sometimes I go home and enter a dark lonely place,
I create friends in my head.
they don't laugh at me,
or question every movement made,
or breath breathed.
I'm human,
just like all other beings,
I wish they would stop being so nasty,
and look beyond my disability.

I cheated on you today,
with an old friend of mine,
I guess you could blame it on the alchohol,
or the fact that I was lacking the need of love,
physical touch,
you once filled in and out of me.
I enjoyed it you see,
it filled me with so much hate and jealousy,
that my own friend could please me,
in a way you never could do,
I hated you then,
at that moment when he kissed me,
our kiss reminded me of our first kiss,
the one at the rugby field,
you've probably forgotten that day,
but it really meant something to me,
it gave me hope that we would never end up like this,
you ignoring me,
refusing to look at me when we were in deep intimacy with each other,
love making,
so thats why I guess I cheated love,
my vindictive way of showing you,
that your not the only **** around,
nor the only man who longs to be with a woman like myself.

in the quietness of nights,
where peacefulness and tranquility lies,
I see a little girl,
next to her
her cousin laid,
it was alright then to share a bed with a boy.
but,
no,
he was a man in the form of a boy,
with adult thoughts,
adult hands,
for boy of 16,
he could do so much with his adult thinking..
what did I know for I was only a kid.
as my mind was slowly seeping into a world of childish dreams,
something from behind,
awakened me,
pulse raising,
heart palpitating,
he was choking me,
he was telling me I deserved this,
for misbehaving early,
when I refused to let him touch me,
even though he would still touch me aways.
his breathing was growing heavy now..
I could feel him forcing himself inside,
he was ******,
and I was screaming,
but no one could hear me,
why did no one hear my screams?
why could they not see what he was doing to me
why?
why do these nightmares still haunt me?
I fear to go back to sleep,
these nightmares;
they make me feel so weak,
for every dream takes me to the little girl,
the one  I used to be.

I saw my ex today.
we're friends now you see,
but the attraction still lingers between us
like a magnetic field,
Even though we've both moved on.
Sometimes I regret leaving him,
because when I was with him,
like a bird soaring the sky,
I felt free.
maybe it's because deep down inside,
I want to go back to him,
but for the first time in his life,
I feel happy to see him with someone else.
His finally decided to settle down.

our hearts still beating in the midst of nights
lying next to each other,
that could mean anything,
doesn't mean we're lovers.
you might see what I don't see,
you see love and intimacy,
and I see physical touch,
yet thats what keeps us going,
asleast for my part.

I regret holding you,
when you cried in my arms.
I regret kissing you,
and telling you how much
I loved you.
I regret thinking about you,
everytime you left my sight,
after we'd spend some time together,
sharing moments of laughters.
I regret calling you my blue eyed princess,
because the moment your eyes gazed into mine,
they opened up a part of myself,
I'd never let anyone in except for your heart,
you were the type of person that could read and understand me
inside and out.
I regret touching you,
because every touch that I gave to you still lingers in my mind,
it still triggers a part of me that only you knew so welll.
I regret us making love for the first time,
that experience and many more with you in our special bedroom,
you'd always call our "love nest",
always left me wanting more of you emotionally and physically.
worst of all,
I regret meeting you for the first time and falling inlove with you,
otherwise I wouldnt be standing here crying these endless ocean of tears at your funeral.

this morning,
I hurt myself,
not by mistake but on purpose,
I wanted to feel how it felt to live again,
to breath,
to escape the pain,
that was building up inside of me..
it scares me,
to hurt mysef,
it makes me reminisce on the varies times and occasions,
I wanted to commit suicide,
end my,
God given life,
back then I wanted to give up,
to hurt myself again today,
took a lot of courage,
I was scared,
even though I've experienced the pain before,
it showed me that I've grown up,
I've become a stronger person,
within in myself.
I threw away the blade,
and smiled,
telling myself,
I'm beautiful and brave,
and life has a purpose for me.
and that giving up is the last thing on mind,
when I have so many things to achieve in life.