is it normal to feel this way,
always contemplating if this just about,
the *******,
doing everything that pleases him,
just being there when it suites him,
or just my company,
because something feels like its missing,
the feeling you once filled inside of me,
is slowly disappearing,
as if its going with the wind,
being replaced with something hollow and empty,
please tell me why do,
I feel used?
tell me why do I not feel the way I used to feel,
when I kissed you,
touched you,
made love to you,
because this, us,
feels nothing meaningful to you,
im scared,
afraid,
and the worse part of all,
is that I'm on the verge of leaving,
us,
and you.

so light brown
yet so beautiful,

as i watch her talking oblivious to my concentration,
admiring the beauty of her small pink lips,
naked long neck,
freckled oval shaped face,
small,
brown,
riveting eyes,
drawing me to want to know more of her,
to want to play a bigger part in her life,
fill a part of myself in heart beautiful beating heart,
how did i know that such a person could have this effect on me,
so compelling is her voice that like a cliché she "brings me to my knees"
legs,
shaking like strawberry jelly,
hands trembling,
she's mind boggling,
leaving me with more inquisition,
to read between the mysteries that lie behind her beautiful mind,

so light brown,
yet so beautiful.

she has stolen my heart,
a part of me has become so lost i her,
i have become so engrossed in her,
yet she doesn't even know it,
it's painful,
it really is,
how such a beauty,
will never be mine.

I love it when you love me.
not just through word of mouth, telephoning,
writing, emailing,
I love it when you love me,
with your presence.

your proximity,
compels me to you,
its as if once near to you,
I'm possessed,
lost in a world,
I never knew could exist.

How my body aches,
for your warm loving touch,
you take me higher,
like a machine being driven to places,
you take me to places.

I'm so deeply lost in you,
for you have ways of making me feel needed,
I can't explain it,
but you amaze me..
your love for me makes me happy.

I used to tell myself,
I'd never become like her,
as I stare  at the oblivious mirror,
a reflection of mother,
stares back at me.
I can see her mocking at me,
saying,
"you look just like me"
she's deliriously laughing now,
the drugs are finally working,
their dancing around in head,
again, and again and again,
she needs it you see,
its her addiction,
its what makes her live,
takes away all the pain and misery.
I find myself talking just like her
saying the exact words she once uttered,
this is your life now baby,
its so beautiful how you can become so consumed,
in it that once it takes full ******* over you,
it makes it hard to turn away,
the mistake I made.

from the time,
that i was born,
i was a walking doll,
the younger version of barbie ofcourse,
thats what mama thought.
she would dress me up,
with her best pearl collection,
and silky dresses she had bought for me,
at expensive clothing stores,
she wanted me to be the most perfect of them all.
to make sure in the eyes of many,
i was adored...
i look at my daughter,
whose four years old,
now,
she lives in her own world,
shes her own being,
my bundle of joy,
i love the fact that she is so free in around her surroundings,
my hope for me as her mother,
is to never,
make my daughter
feel that she has to live up to the expectations
of being perfect,
or better,
than anyone,
in order to be loved,
and not to make the mistake mama made,
when she wanted me to be the most perfect girl,
in her world.

I like him tall,
slim and,
built,
a man who can walk the walk,
more like talk the talk,
a man whose not afraid to sweep
me off my feet,
make love like a real man,
a man who knows how to please,
I want to wake up to breakfast in bed,
he has to always hold my hand,
when I'm feeling scared,
talk to me with respect,
and always be be prepared,
to face my unexpected moodswings,
everyday.
I need him to love me,
like his afraid to lose me,
kiss me like a hunger,
needed to be fulfilled,
treat me like his
Queen,
I want to be his first priority,
cause if he doesnt fulfill my standards,
that would make the worst thing that every happened,
in my life.

I see you,
yet
I dont really see you,
I dont see the person that loved my company,
I no longer see the smile,
that made sure everything was at ease
between us,
I keep on contemplating of playing the same game,
that your playing...
you know,
the one called hide and seek,
except with a twist,
you hide and I keep on seeking,
I'm tired of it,
I want to find you,
I need to find us,
I need to find what caused this growing distance.