i told myself
i would write
once a day
and now
i am too sad
to even write
how many times
will i have to
apologize to myself

i'm sorry that when you say
i love you
i have to pause
before i can say it back
i need you to know
i am not hesitating
i am not unsure
i am not confused
when you say
i love you
my heart beats
outside of my chest
and i have to pull it in
before i can say
i love you back

maybe you're just really busy
maybe you can't be on your phone
maybe this isn't about me
but if you don't talk to me
if you don't tell me
if you don't acknowledge me
how am i supposed to be okay
you leave me here
waiting for you to call
and you never do
you never do

i keep writing
and rewriting
this long message
to you
maybe not a message
but a question
i need to know
is this something
you still want
and by this
i mean mean me
am i something
that you still want

heart break is a great
writing prompt
and yet
i so badly wish
i had nothing
to write about

and i remember the poem
you wrote about
yellow nail polish
and today
when i needed you
your light
your smile
your hug
your comfort
your friendship
i bought myself
a bottle of
yellow nail polish
because if i can
not be with you
at least i can
carry you in
my yellow nails

how do you know
the right thing to say
when i do not even know
what i want to hear
when i am panicked
you know how to help
when i am sad
you know how to be there
when i am on top of the world
you are there with me
i keep asking myself
how do you know what i need
and i think it is because
you know me

you make me feel like poetry
i too often find myself
turning my relationships
into poems
i write them into
the sea
the flowers
the stars
the song
but this time
you
you make me feel like poetry

you never promised me forever
and i would not have wanted you to
because we both knew
we had an expiration date
i thought it would take longer
for sweetness to turn sour
but you can not ignore
a souring fruit

you told me you wrote about me
that terrifies me
no one has ever wanted to do that
to write about me
not like that
i am scared
i am not ready to do it again
i am not ready to hurt
to get hurt
to hurt you
i know you want more
i'm sorry
i can't give you what you want
thank you
for wanting me anyway