i will always admire you
you feel this deep sense of empathy
i have never seen before
you care so much about everything
you feel so deeply and strongly
you always make sure to show me
not only do you care about everything
you care about me
thank you

and i remember the poem
you wrote about
yellow nail polish
and today
when i needed you
your light
your smile
your hug
your comfort
your friendship
i bought myself
a bottle of
yellow nail polish
because if i can
not be with you
at least i can
carry you in
my yellow nails

i hate myself
for needing closure
that you are not willing
to give me
i hate myself
for having to ask
i hate myself
for still caring about you
i hate myself
for still loving you
i hate myself
for not seeing
the way you treated me
was never what i deserved
i think part of the damage
is that when i was with you
i lost part of myself
i began to hate parts of me
that i used to love
and now
i don't know how
to love all of myself
to love the parts
you helped me hate

and when she told me
"it can only get better from here"
i wanted to call her a liar
i wanted to scream
because no,
it won't always get better
and there will be days
when it feels like
the first day all over again
and days where i do not
even think of her
healing is not linear
progress is not a straight line
and when she told me
"things can only get better"
i understood
that she had never felt heartbreak
she has never has the solid floor
crumble underneath her without a warning
and i wonder
if you ever really heal from heartbreak
or if you just turn it into other things
because how can i ever heal from you
i will never forget about us
that is not to say
i don't think it will get easier
but i wonder if i will ever feel
whole again
without the piece of me
i have given to you

and i have to wonder
if things were ever
really good
or did i wear
rose-colored glasses
whenever you were near
love
can make my vision
so cloudy
my love
made my vision
so cloudy
and now
i am having a hard time
remembering
when
if it was ever
really good

i only asked
for you to be honest
you broke me
not in a way
that i won't be able
to put myself back together
i will
but right now
the stitches are breaking
and i am crumbling
and you cannot be honest
i asked you to talk
and you ignored me
just say no
tell me you don't want to
or you can't
tell me something
do not leave me here
sitting
waiting
hurting
reminding me
of our broken promise

i've been looking for any excuse
to talk to you
to text you
to hear from you
but yesterday
i didn't
it was not conscious
it was not purposeful
but it was progress

now that you are gone
i feel this sudden urge
to let you read my poetry
i want you to know
how much i loved you
how much i cared about you
how i wrote your eyes
into constellations
hoping that if i
was able to write it down
i would be able to hold onto it
and i want you to know
that you hurt me
but more than that
i want you to know
that i forgive you
that i am not angry
or bitter
that we do not have to be
a souring fruit
and i want you to have
the moments i have penciled
into my memory
because, darling,
there are poems
that only you
will ever be able to understand

thinking about you
as my ex
feels wrong
***** even
because you are not
something i can
just leave in the past
you are tangled in
my past
my present
and my future
you have seen parts of me
known parts of me
touched parts of me
and learned parts of me
that no one has before
and i don’t know how you feel
but those moments
will forever be tangled
in past, present, and future

i think seeing you happy
makes it easier
because i saw it
how miserable you were
towards the end
and if this is what you need
to be happy
to not be with me
then i will have to learn
to be happy too
because i still
care so deeply about you
that seeing you smile
will always
make me smile

is it wrong
that i want
to kiss
someone else
i don't know
how much longer
i can stand
having you be
the last person
i kissed
because
i will wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
to be able
to kiss you again

i am still trying
to separate
the things i love
from the memories
of us doing them together
when that song comes on
i am still learning to
sing along
because i deserve to
enjoy the things i love
without having to
think about
enjoying them with you

for so long
i gave all of my love
to you
if you
would have asked
for my heart
or my hand
or my head
i would have
happily given it
to you
but now
i think maybe
it is time
to give myself
all of my love

and i have to ask myself
how could you
have ever loved me
if you never gave us
a chance
and i keep wondering
what did i do
to make you stop loving me
but maybe
you never loved me
or you were never in love with me
maybe you loved feeling loved
or having someone to hold you

heart break is a great
writing prompt
and yet
i so badly wish
i had nothing
to write about

i cannot stop
replaying the
memory
of us
sitting on
my bed
and you
telling me
that you are
in love with me
for the first time
i cannot help
but wonder
if it all
was a lie

i have this polaroid of you
and i don't know what
to do with it
i took it off of my wall
but it doesn't feel right
sitting in the drawer
and i feel like
maybe i should
send it back to you
because maybe it
was never mine
in the first place
maybe the smile
the moment
the trip
maybe your heart
maybe your dimple
maybe our memories
were never meant
for me

i should have taken it as sign
when you told me
you hated poetry
not because
i need you to like
everything i like
or i need you to appreciate
everything i appreciate
but because
when i told you
what it felt like for me
to write poetry
and to read poetry
the feeling of being
grounded and understood
all at once
the feeling of
having somewhere to escape to
and finding a home
you still told me
you hated poetry

and yes
i hate myself
for needing to
hear you say
i did nothing wrong
i wish i didn't
need to feel validated
but i needed to know
that this was real for you
that you don't regret it
and you don't hate me

and the hardest part is
all i want to do
is call my mom
i want to tell her everything
i want to tell her about you
the loving
the longing
the leaving
but the last person i can call
is my mom

when we were together
i only listened to music
i knew you would like
i only wore clothes
that you would like
i only did things
i knew would
would make you happy
and now that there is no we
and i have given you my ribs
to hold you up
i am exposed
but there is nothing left
of me
how long will it take
to find myself
not find myself exactly
but to rebuild myself
into something
that does not revolve around
you

you told me you
don't want to talk
about the breakup
and i realized
that you
can think about
things other than
the breakup
how nice it
would be
to be free enough
to talk about
other things

the scariest part
is that
if you called me
right now
and asked me
to try again
i would forget everything
i would forgive everything
i would try again

not talking to you
is weird
and the hardest part is
the only person
i want to talk to
about not talking to you
is you

i just realized
this is the first day
we haven’t talked
in over four months
i am not ready
to not talk to you
and i know you need space
but i don’t know what to do
with all of this space
because the only person
i want to fill it with
is you

she broke up with me
while i sat outside the building
where all but one of my classes are held
how long will it take
for me to see classrooms again
not heart break
not tears
not begging her to stay

what did i do
to make you stop loving me
i feel unlovable
i would do anything
change anything
become anything
to be with you
and maybe that's the problem

i gave you every chance
to tell me
i gave you every chance
to talk to me
i gave you every chance
to love me
but you shut me out
again
and again
and again
how do you think i feel

maybe you're just really busy
maybe you can't be on your phone
maybe this isn't about me
but if you don't talk to me
if you don't tell me
if you don't acknowledge me
how am i supposed to be okay
you leave me here
waiting for you to call
and you never do
you never do

i keep feeling like
i'm asking too much of you
that my expectations are too high
sometimes when i text you
i feel crazy
but maybe
i'm not asking too much of you
maybe i'm not expecting enough for myself

please don’t make me feel bad
for wanting to talk to you
if we don’t talk much
of course i’m going
to miss you
i think you forget
that i love you

there has only been
one day
since i’ve been here
that i haven’t cried
and i thought maybe
maybe i would
be able to stop
but today
i crawled into bed
and i felt the same way
but this time
when i started to cry
i felt like
i may never be able to stop

i can’t stop
checking our messages
i can’t stop
waiting for you
i can’t stop
thinking about you
i know
i should be able to
but it doesn’t matter
what i’m doing
i’m always thinking
about you
and the hardest part
is that i know
you’re not thinking
about me

i feel bad calling you
when things get bad
you have always been
the person i called
but now that things
are finally good for you
and you finally got
what you deserve
i don't know how to call

a lot of the time
recently
we don't feel
like an us
you shut me out
when things
get hard
you stop calling
you stop texting
you stop answering
you stop talking
you leave me
and i know
things are hard
but i can't
be the only one
who cares about
us

i even dream about you
except for yesterday
it wasn't a dream
it was a nightmare
and for the first time
maybe this
us
didn't feel like a dream

i keep writing
and rewriting
this long message
to you
maybe not a message
but a question
i need to know
is this something
you still want
and by this
i mean mean me
am i something
that you still want

i can't sleep
when i miss home
i toss and turn
all night
wishing to be in
my own bed
and when i come
to realize
the home i want
to go to
is no longer there
i cry
hoping i can
cry myself to sleep
but instead
i think about
missing home
and not sleeping

i always wait for her
during a storm
i wait for her to text
to call
to smile
to laugh
she is not afraid
of storms
she uses the
lightning flashes
as fuel and
the thunder cracks
as ammunition
how is something
that i am so afraid of
something she can
build from

last night
when i looked
at the moon
my heart
began to ache
but i couldn't
figure out why
maybe
i thought
i don't miss
looking at the moon
i miss you

i can't decide
if i will ever
let you
read my poetry
i don't know
if i can
let you in
without scaring
you away

how do you know
the right thing to say
when i do not even know
what i want to hear
when i am panicked
you know how to help
when i am sad
you know how to be there
when i am on top of the world
you are there with me
i keep asking myself
how do you know what i need
and i think it is because
you know me

she would not
say goodbye
instead
she said
see you soon
and for that
i will never be
more grateful

have you ever
loved so much
that you wait
by the phone
not because you
are nervous
just because
you can't wait
to hear from them
i do not get angry
when she doesn't
reply quickly
i get excited
because i still
get to hear from
her

i am going to miss
the car alarm
that is your
heartbeat
when i lay
my head
on your chest

when you left
i cried
but somehow
when i returned home
i smiled
i felt reassured
you know me
you get me
you understand me
thank you
for being the first person
to read my poetry
and the last person
to make me realize
i am worth something
you mean the world to me
you gave me a home
when i never thought
i would feel at home again
you gave me your hand
and helped me find mine
you were
the first person
to read my poetry
and the last person
i will ever really
say goodbye to

i am terrible
at saying goodbye
and i don't think
it is because
i am scared of leaving
no
i am scared of changing
i know we will never
be the same
this summer
changed us
and i don't know
what comes after
goodbye

i so fondly remember
laying down on the old baseball diamond
wrapped in you arms
cradled by the overgrown grass
rocked by the light breeze
sang to by the crickets
and your voice in my ear
i didn’t know i was failing in love
but i did know
the air felt kind when it brushed my shoulder

how do i say
i never want you to leave
when
i know we both need to go

i don't know what to say when
i love you doesn't feel like enough
how do i say
i love every part of you
even the parts you hate
especially the parts you hate
how do i say
i don't know if i will ever feel good enough for you
but god will i try
you make me want to be better
how do i say
every time you smile at me
i can feel my heartbeat pound through the speakers
how do i say i love you
when i love you doesn't feel like enough