my perfectionist hands
will never be able to craft my world
into the utopia i pretended to have
when i also pretended i had you

i could have said no
when you asked
i didn’t want you to feel bad
but i was drunk
too drunk to say yes
too drunk for yes to mean yes
and you knew that
you should have known that
i don’t know if you knew that
and now
i don’t know what to call that night
to call you
that night is still fuzzy
my memory is blurred
but all i remember
is wanting it to stop
so badly
and not saying anything
i could have said something
why couldn’t i say anything

grandma,
i have a really hard time with change
sometimes i cannot get out of bed
sometimes i cannot stop moving
sometimes my heart feels like a stopwatch
sometimes i beg my heart to stop
i cry a lot
most times i do not know why
sometimes my brain forgets it needs sleep
i stay up all night to ponder the productive things i could be doing
sometimes i sleep for days on end
my body has stopped feeling hungry
there are days where i completely forget to eat
there are days when food is my only comfort
i am very sad
i am very nervous
i am going to be okay
please do not worry, grandma
i am sorry i cannot feel normal
i am sorry sometimes it is too hard to fake happy

i want to be done
begging you for an answer
i want to be done
caring about your reaction
i want to be done
waiting for you
i've done it long enough
i've tried so hard
i've spent too many nights crying
waiting for something to change
but maybe it is you
maybe you changed
maybe you are not the person
i remember you to be
maybe you forgot how to care
about me
maybe you didn't forget
maybe this hurts you too
but if you can't talk to me
i will never know
but i cannot continue to wait
i want to be done

thank you
for always being "here"
for me
but sometimes
i need you to be here
present
tangible
and i know that is not possible
but sometimes
a phone call
is not enough
sometimes
i need more
a hug
somewhere to put my head
and i'm sorry
that i am falling apart
i don't know what else to do

today
i am remembering
that self care
is not all
bubble baths &
face masks &
movie nights &
spa days &
essential oils
self care is
reaching out
when i know
i need help
and i am terrified
of the response
i may face

i told the story differently
i made it that
a story
i was not ready
but you were
and i liked you
so i said yes
you are the only person
to ever be inside of me
and i have been waiting
a long few weeks
for my body
to shed this experience
to cleanse me
to help me feel new
i do not think
i have ever been
more grateful
to wake up with
a red stain
on my bedsheets

i don't know how to feel
am i allowed to be sad
am i allowed to cry
i did this
i picked this
i hurt you
so i know i don't get to cry
but
here i am
pages wet
ink and mascara running

but this time
it was me
doing the hurting
i cannot apologize enough
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i never wanted to hurt you
i know that does not mean anything
because i did
i did hurt you
so i will give you every
i'm sorry
i have and hope
you can use them to heal

you told me you wrote about me
that terrifies me
no one has ever wanted to do that
to write about me
not like that
i am scared
i am not ready to do it again
i am not ready to hurt
to get hurt
to hurt you
i know you want more
i'm sorry
i can't give you what you want
thank you
for wanting me anyway

you came with a list
questions you needed to ask
and i sat there
and i did my best
to give you what you were looking for
i know that is what i wanted too
someone to listen
and i am amazed
that you cared enough
to write them down
and i thought
maybe that is your own kind of poetry

i think i get it
what it's like to be
on the other side
and all i want to say
to you now is
i'm sorry

i, too
have poems titled after songs
i can no longer listen to

i can’t even write it down
how i’m feeling
sad
scared
hurt
broken
are not quite right
maybe lost
definitely lost
but that’s not it either
one day
i hope to find the words
or to stop the feeling
whatever comes first

the boy who grabbed me at a party
and ran his hand up my inner thigh
while i stood tense and
pushed his hand away
lives on the 13th floor of my building
i get to ride the elevator with him
while he takes out his trash
and somehow i feel ashamed
the air in the elevator seems to disappear
i have to remind myself how to breathe
i think about how i should not have worn
THAT costume
because somehow my clothes act as
an invitation to my body
and when my friend sees him get in the elevator
she can no longer speak
and when the doors to my floor finally open
i cannot stop myself from crying
the tears feel hot running down my cheeks
and i have to remind myself
that the air is safe to breathe
that my body belongs to me
that i did not invite this

and now that you have seen all of me
not all of me exactly
but more of me than anyone else
i am terrified
because i still feel vulnerable
in your arms

i thought that writing had become
a part of me
but when i start to feel better
i stop writing
and maybe i am not me
when i am feeling better
what a terrible thought to have
is it possible to be me
and happy at the same time

i wake up in a panic
body sweating , palms dripping
teeth clenching
heart somehow both tight and racing
you are back
an unwelcome ghost
in a home that is my body
and what i am to do now
when all that is left
is a broken sidewalk
cracked
and repaved with my mistakes

i have an obsession with language
particularly the failures of language
because there will never be
enough words to explain
the heartache i feel
upon coming home
and the confusion i feel
about not being happy

when i am away
i would do anything to be here
and when i am here
i do not feel at home
somehow this room is mine
and not mine at the same time

is there a word for
a home that is no longer a home
is there a word for a home that is
a home but it is not mine anymore
is there a word for so badly missing a place
that no longer exists
is there a word for all of this
there should be

so why is it
when language seems to fail me
i feel a sudden urge to write
the irony hits me in the stomach
like the mistakes i cannot stop making

i know that language will always fail me
and yet
i will never stop searching for the words

is it bad
that i don't want
to write about you?
this should be new
and exciting
it should be
jumping in without
fears of falling
it should be
sunflower smiles
but i cannot do that yet
i cannot give you the sun
if i have not found it again
so please
be patient
and i hope my pen
will pick you up too

i can't decide
if i am scared
of your answer
or your silence
i wonder if this time
it will hurt less
now that i am used to
being ignored by you
i am hoping that if i
can send the message
i will be able to move on
because i don't think
i can date someone else
until we are sitting at a
comfortable resolution

i write them in my notes
keep them like postcards
i cannot bring myself to send
i want to tell you i'm sorry
because i am
i'm really sorry
i'm sorry
that was the best we could do
i'm sorry
that i asked too much of you
i'm sorry
i acted so selfish
i'm sorry
it has taken me so long
i'm sorry
i cannot bring myself to send
the **** postcard

i am both
happy
and
terrified
to be back here

i like it when
you text me first
i like it when you
play with my hair
i like it when you
hold my hand
i like it when you
kiss my forehead
i like it when you
hold me by my waist
i like it when you
laugh really hard
i like it when you
hold me really tight
and i think maybe
it is because
i like you

i don't understand how
my pen always lands
on her
i want to cut the strings
that tie my hand
and my heart to her
but i can't
and so i tell my new crush
i am not ready
it is not because i am still
in love with her
i am not
it is not because i am
waiting for her to try again
i am not
it is because when i think
about moving on
i think about hurting her
and i am terrified
to hurt her the way
she hurt me

i get excited
when her name
pops up on my phone
when she texts me first
when she asks me to hangout
how lovely it is
to feel wanted
and to want back

when i told her
i wasn't ready
all i could say
was i'm sorry
when will i stop
having to apologize
for how i'm feeling
the worst part is
i am sorry
i feel guilty
i wish i was ready
for something new
but i'm not
and it is not because
i don't like you
i really do
but i have been hurt
and i am not willing
to do the same to you

i don't know what i want
but i do know
i am going to need
somebody who is
willing to be
patient
my heart has been broken
my voice has been stollen
i am no longer naive
to heartbreak
and i am afraid to
tell you what i need
because i am not asking
you to wait
but i hope that you
will stay

i am not ready
to jump into
something new
it is not because
i am scared
of getting hurt
again, no
it is because
i am terrified

my life is about me
this has always been
a foreign concept
but now
my life is about me
i have decided to be
intentional
to do the things
that i enjoy
to make myself happy
my happiness should never again
come from another person
and so today
when i sat down
the first thing i wrote down is
my life is about me

today when i sat down
with a pen in my hand
the only thing i didn't
want to write about
was you
how freeing it is
to write about
a new kiss
and a new crush
to write about
my yellow shoes
my best friend
the rainstorm i made it through
how freeing it is
to not write about you

the word
"ex"
has started
to roll off my tongue
it no longer feels
unnatural in my mouth
and i cannot tell
if i like that feeling

when i receive
a message
from your mom
i feel helpless
i know you can't
tell her
but i feel like
i can't escape
so i sit here
with a pit
in my stomach
terrified to open
her message
and terrified
to ask you
to tell her
to stop

a list of things to do "when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis"

1.  put on your diffuser, put in lavender essential oil, remember that this is what waiting for her smells like
2. go for a walk, but not where the two of you used to walk together, try not to think of how you two used to match your pace with every step
3. do not call her, call your best friend, do not think of how you would rather be calling her and ignoring the very people who are trying to support you
4. play music, but do not put it on shuffle, and do not think about how you would so much rather be listening to the playlist she made and then updated the day you started dating
5. write a poem, but ignore how every poem you write in the collection that has become your every day life still leads back to her
6. do not cry, you have already shed enough tears over someone who can ignore you
7. if you do start to cry, say it is because of your dad, or your work load, or because it is raining and you just have never really been able to enjoy the rain, do not admit that she has the strings to your heart and somehow you are still a puppet
8. make yourself a cup of tea, sit down, and let yourself feel, remember that even if it feels like the hands on the clock have arthritis, slow progress is still progress, you are whole and time will pass

after her i thought
maybe i am
a “real” lesbian
because when i was searching
for someone new
i kept finding myself
wanting to be
in a girls arms
but that is not because
i am a lesbian
it is because
through all of my searching
i still think
i was looking for her
so when i ended up
with a boys hand
tangled in mine
his lips pressed gently
and then not so gently
against mine
i knew that
i had been looking
for her
but now
i am just looking
for me

do you hate me?
that is all i want to ask
well, do you?
i need to know the answer
how can you hate me?
your voice still echoes through my ears
even though it has been weeks
since i've heard it
what did i do wrong?
please i am begging you
just tell me
when did you stop loving me?
i am not sure you ever loved me
the way i loved you
with no safety net and a
huge fear of falling
how can you expect us to be friends?
you continuously treat me like ****
and i do not know if i can
do that anymore

i'm sorry
i've been selfish
sometimes
when i am drowning
in my own thoughts
and sadness and anxiety
i cannot think outside of myself
here is my formal apology
to everyone i have hurt
while i was trying to fix myself
self care is important but
not at the expense of those i love
i am learning how to separate
self care and selfishness
so i am sorry
i know i ****** up
and i know i will **** up again
here is my formal apology
to the people
i love and i hurt

and now
i am sending my truth
out into the world
and doing my best
to expect nothing in return
because my truth
may not be the same as yours
but that does not make it
less valid
and i am doing my best
to not expect anything back
because i am not sharing
for your reaction
i am sharing because i
should not have to hold
these secrets inside of me
any longer

it felt good
to feel wanted
and feel beautiful
and feel good enough
and feel confident
it feels good
for you
to not be
the last person i kissed

you never promised me forever
and i would not have wanted you to
because we both knew
we had an expiration date
i thought it would take longer
for sweetness to turn sour
but you can not ignore
a souring fruit

when my best friend told me
“when i love someone,
i am going to to love them
with everything inside of me”
i finally felt understood
because i did love her
with everything inside of me
i don’t know how to not
and that’s the thing about me
i am an all or nothing
kind of girl
if i love you
i will love every part of you
with my whole being
i will become blind by love
that is not to say
i am not scared
i am terrified
because i know
that if this love ends
it will break me
because if i have given you
every part of me
will you ever be able to
give it all back when
you are done using it
and that is why i never
let myself love before you
i thought you would be more careful
because i explained this all to you
but love is not careful
love is fragile and breakable
and if i had to have my heart broken
i am still glad
it was by you

i never thought
i would be willing
to change myself
to be with another person
but i would have
changed anything
to stay with you
and maybe
that is the problem
when i loved you
i forgot how to love myself
and i can preach self love
without feeling it
but now
i am going to take the time
and yes, i know
it will take time
to love myself
because everyone
deserves a place in this world
and that place
does not belong
inside of another person

all i want
is to be your friend
because
i need a friend right now
and i so badly wish
you were willing to be
what i need
or at least willing to try

"what do i have to do to make you care"
is the last text i sent to you
you never answered
what the ****
am i worth to you
i feel hopeless
because maybe there is
nothing
i can do to
make you care anymore

i keep asking myself
how could i have ever
dated someone
and loved someone
who treats me so poorly
and i do not have an answer
maybe it is because
you cannot train the heart
or maybe things have not
always been like this
but all i know
is that i
can never love you
the same way again

i said it out loud
for the first time
if you asked me
to get back together
i would say no
i no longer want to be with you
because
i have never been treated worse
you must know
how badly
you are hurting me
you must know
that i am not okay
you must know
that what you are doing is cruel
because
you still know me
so do not pretend
you do not know what you’re doing  
we both know
you are making me feel horrible
so please don’t pretend
what you’re doing is okay

homesick can’t be the right word
what is the word
for missing a place
that no longer exists
sure,
the buildings are still there
but the place i miss
with the people i miss
is no longer there
so why do i miss it so badly
homesick isn’t the right word
for missing somewhere
that you can never have back

i hate that you still have
so much power over me
and i know
i am the one
giving you this power
the way you can hurt me
like no one else
and how i still dream
about you
like some part of my mind
still needs you
and i don't understand
how you can ignore me
the way you do
because if you ever
loved me the way you
told me you did
you could not do this
erase us
erase me
and i wonder
if we can ever be friends
because what you are doing
is cruel
and i can forgive you
for breaking my heart
but i do not know
if i can forgive you
for hurting me
over
and over
and over
and over
again

when i say "i'm tired"
i do not mean
i'm sleepy
i mean
i am completely and utterly exhausted
i mean
that when i think i have nothing left to give the world finds something else to take
i mean
i want to give up, not want exactly but giving up seems almost inevitable at this point
i mean
how do i feel more drained everyday when i thought there was no water left
i mean
i am not okay and i do not want to lie so when you ask me
"how are you doing?"
instead of saying
i'm okay or i'm fine
i say
"i'm tired"

i am trying
to be happy
it might not look like it
but please, trust me
i am trying
it has not been easy
every breath i take
i try not to fall apart
every time i blink
i try not to see the black hole
i can't help but fall into
so when you tell me
i complain a lot
i have to stop myself
from screaming
you cannot see what it is like for me
you cannot see what i fight against
every day
so when you tell to be happy
trust me
i am trying